So over the past few months, I have sort of 'withdrew' myself from the point of breathing, self investigation, writing, and generally just anything that was self directive as a whole for myself. I have gotten allot more connected with my health, which is cool, but even within that, there's allot of barriers and fears that very well could relate to myself.
So anyways, the point that I grew to the point of 'giving up', was due to not accepting and allowing myself to see a very simple and practical point, which is that, I either can take responsibility or not, I can either participate in energy or not, I can either apply what I've written, what I know, what I essentially understand, or not, regardless of what emotions, what feelings occur within myself.
For example. One of my biggest habits was to go on my fb account and rant, simply as a way to feed anger, to feed blame, to feed the point of self inflicting self judgement. I would deliberately want to cause controversy with others, and then when it would occur, then I would just allow myself to build more energy and anger. Instead of practically slowing down, investigating, finding out how a real supportive conversation functions, I would just accumulate and accumulate, to protect the feeling, to protect the position I placed myself in. Instead of just stopping, letting go, taking self responsibility of the point for what it practically is, and moving the fuck on to something supportive, something chill, or what ever I was supposed to be doing. Which from this, I can REALLY see now, how easily emotions and self definitions of myself can easily cause me to be a big asshole if I allow them to dictate who I am within and as each moment, which within this, taking each moment I'm being an asshole, as a initial building block to fixing the problem within myself, instead further accumulating the emotions by trying to protect this idea that "I'm a good person, I'm damned, oh no", when essentially, this is the perfect recipe for self sabotage, up to the point of overwhelming myself and being confronted with more extreme points.
Another realization I've had recently, is that when I was facing a 'demonic' point at the time, I had this preconception that I couldn't stop myself. That I was forever enslaved into the feelings, the emotions untill some magical switch in my brain happened, when really, I didn't consider the fact that I had built up all of this anger, rage, to where it lead me to that extreme point of potentially allowing myself to become possessed by my own thoughts and emotions. I let my own self inflicted insecurities, and self judgements dictate my ability to be able to control myself, and I allowed those emotions to be this long term self infliction, instead of practically facing them for what they were, and moving on to the next point, and remaining in breath, meaning, remaining in the point of breathing, but not holding on to the past point, or relating that breathing support to protect points, or to protect a position.
The most impacting point that I had came across, was with 2 experiences. One day, i was siting in my room, all depressed and stupid, and I asked myself "why am I really this depressed over this, like is it necessary for me to be so in-directive, lazy, and treat my body this way, just because of a fucking feeling I have?" Within this, I sort of got this sensation of "time to grow the fuck up" or basically, "time to start supporting myself, supporting my environment" which in itself is vague, but was something that I needed to tell myself, that I either can allow myself to be empowered, to be able to support life for exactly that purpose, and to stop playing this fucking game in my head, to stop the excuses, the voids, the envying, the polarity points, obviously none of this shit is working.
The 2nd experience, was in regards to my relationship with music, but in the end, seeing that this relates to everything. So I was watching a nice guitar player named pierre bensusan. I saw how freely he was with his instrument, and how expressive he was. Within this, I had seen that I have been limiting myself in each relationship, to participate in my music, in exercise, in conversations, simply to please others, to try to get some verification. Thus, this was another point that I knew practically needed to be worked on, and that, expressing myself was a point of self support with who I am as a physical body, and to as well open up the reality that it is an equal expression, and not a point or competition of the mind, because as any musician reading this knows, that when you try to think, and when you implement irrelevant concepts to your work, you inevitably become less effective, less expressive. So this opened up the point, of how I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my physical expression as life, in regards to trying to protect the game, the ego, and not letting go.
The final point that I have gathered from the last few months, is that I've never realized, that it am WAAAYYY more capable of controlling myself, of improving activities, of supporting myself and others, than I define myself as. It's this preconception, that because I apparently feel unconfident, or because I allowed myself to abuse that moment, or not have enough compassion or integrity, that apparently it'll take me till eternity to change that application, and that confidence. Now realistically, there's just points that we won't get through, until we walk through it enough times, and walk through each detail of the point, but what in really trying to say, is that, a portion of the inadequacy, can be changed and improved pretty quickly, just like facing an intense emotion, and then just simply stopping yourself, and then your perfectly fine and dandy, on to the next thing. Or when I would talk to someone, and have all of these self judgements that would just dawn on me for months on end, when really, I could just let go of a good portion of points right then and there, and function and be just fine.
So, throughout the next few days, I will be implementing the blogging regiment into my schedule to start posting my experiences through self support, for others to read as support, and in general, approach the point of writing as more of a tool to fix what needs to be fixed, not as a point of relief, or as to accumulate a position I'm trying to protect. Also, taking points on one step at a time, and not creating an obsession with a point to feed a related emotion or energy that I've related to my writing, which wouldn't be really writing or self applying anyways. And therefor, understanding that writing my journey to life, is no different than building a car, learning an instrument, because REAL learning, is applying what's here, what's practical, what's best, and not what's irrelevant, preconceived, or skewed by useless emotions and opinions.
