Day 17 - standing up this time (part 2)

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not practically apply what I've written within my journal, my blogs, or on my dip lite course. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to erector reflect the other destonians as me, where I will post the blog, and then I will create this higher simulation if myself simy as an excuse not t write any ore, and therefor creating this as a void from actually self applying the words. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to erector continue trying t make writing out to be this n convenient ing, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself t not self investigate this point more within myself as to why I constantly make excuses in myself not to write, therefor regardless of how many layer of accumulate, I m commited t write out why I've accepted and allowed myself to create writing as an n convience, and not making this point as a way of convenience to go out and fuck around and fuck with others: Therefor firstly, I forgive myself that I've accepte dead allowed myself to create the opening of justifying my abuse while I write, and therefor create this opening of rushing my writing to escape from the abuse, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to feeds to e patterns, through victimizing yield,n through categorizing myself as 'unworthy' to take self responsibility' I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create the reflections towards the comparisons I make towards the other destonians from a point of simply victimizing myself as if I will be judged from them, when essentially this is only a void to not in fact take self responsibility and direct myself, therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to verify convenience and mind patterns instead of fully applying myself to take responsibility for what is best for all. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to currently create an opening of cnvenience within my mind, where I will think out the future of how responsibile I will be, therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to open up more convenience to be able to justify and make excuses to not continue writing, and actually applying myself for what is best for all and myself, therefor I'm commited to not create this glorification towards myself, us I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to present myself godly to others, as a a way of escaping actual self responsibility, and therefor I am commited to not accumulate my mind into being lazy to not take full self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus catagorize what I'm taking participation is, instead of stoping breathing, and actually correcting myself within that moment, and not making excuses not to.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself t do is from the point of trying to verify my cnvenience and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not actually look in depth to why it is that I continue to keep driving back into these convenient things, therefor I will expose myself to this:

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create it as convenient to be self destructive, to find it convenient to look at others, and blame them for me buying into my own convenience, therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not actually understand what it means to let go of wanting convenience.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to distract,yield from the reality that I do not matter, that I am but a lie that creates others to suffer, and so therefor the lie is what feeds of the suffering to exist, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not actually understand that all patterns that occur within me, must be confronted and exposed, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this process does in fact take time, and therefor I'm commited t not hold back on points whether they be convenient if inconvenient, and thus I'm commited to understand that I must be patient within my process, but I also must push myself through the points of reactions that happen within that moment.

Therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself  to create confusion purposefully within myself when I find myself arriving at a convenient point as a way to self victimize myself from pushing myself through, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create myself to be deliberately impatient within my process and then creating the unpatients within me pushing myself, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to protect the convenience, as this way of fearing inconvenience, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not stand up for life, but to instead try to protect this character of mine, this ego in order to continue abusing myself, and then nice I realize I've accepted and allowed myself to protect this, I purposefully create this point of pushing as a way to show everyone how great im pushing, and then I create inpatients and then I manipulate the whole thing within my writing. Therefor I'm commited to breath, and finish this in my journal and in the meantime slow down and find the starting point.

Day 17 - giving into the cmvenience (part 1)

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to follow convenience, and be lead by convenience instead of following the points where I am able to stand and direct myself. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor only take in the knowledge of actually standing for what is best for myself, and simply just using it as this belief in the back of my mind that I am taking a stance, when in fact I'm simply deluding myself that I am taking a stance and therefor will go and buy into the conveniences which I will therefor place towards responsibilities, where I will say "oh no I cannot write today I must go and study and get my drivers license" or " no I must go and clean my house", and then when I realize this is all but a way of escaping myself and what I've accepted and allowed, I create the delusion that I'm actually writing myself out completely, and then will write out a bunch of words that kind of show my bullshit, but essentially it is all hidden because I create this superior point within my mind to try t run away from actually writing myself out, therefor I a, commited to keep writing myself out here untill I have ligitamtely written myself out, with no excuses that I have to do anything else, because clearly I've known that I've Ben fucking around self responsibility fr quite sometime, and instead have constantly taken the convenient route in order to escape my bullshit, and so I can go out and cause more destruction deliberately, therefor I will write out these points. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go and want to eat when I begin realizing points that I'm on the brink of opening up within myself. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to tell use of 'oh I have a job to get too, and therefor this will help me stabilize myself, not seeing and realizing that this is only but accumulating me fom escaping my actual fuck ups, where I actually need to take responsibility for, and so instead I go and I apply for the job to be able t escape my writing, and then when I realize I can't do his, I try to justify it in my mind while I'm writing, lol and this whole time I'm just trying to justify my ego, to justify my position. Then I will create this very statement as a point of relief like "phew, now I will be stable and now I can go get the job without having all of this bullshit in the back of my mind, therefor now is the point to actually stand and write myself out, erector I'm commited to write out until I in fact unlock all of the dimensions of defense, of fears, and not take the convenient fought that will only but cause me bullshit and turmoil. I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to firstly choose the majority of choices towards self interest instead of actually choosing what is best to direct myself, therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feed the charge within myself, of fear, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to depend on others to tell me my bullshit when I do come up towards it, and not in fact standing to what ever extent is necessary for me to unlock my bullshit from within myself, and making excuses not to take the required responsibility to unlock e bullshit within myself. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take the stand within the words that are best for all, therefor I'm commited to push through the words within myself and create words from the STAND point of what is best for myself and my physical, erector I'm commited to not g not my mind and stand as my mind and he conveniences that my mind tries to show me. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to deliberately make excuses not to write yield out, but to instead make excuses within myself to try and validate my mind, and try to validate my bullshit that my mind creates, through comparing it to responsibilities, and to comparing it to my items, to things that I must consume, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to go drive the truck, want to go workouts want to go play guitar, simply because. Have a starting point of lieing to myself why I am actually participating in these things. Therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself not to sacrifice myself for the greater good, whether it means becoming a complete fat ass, whether it means not being able Togo get the job just yet, whether it means not being able to spend as much time playing music, whether it means having to starve alittle bit, just to be able t sacrifice myself for what is best for all. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor want to create a schedule to try to fulfill conveniences instead of simply and practically looking at wht needs to be done to support myself, and then if I have time t wait for those Inge, I will wait, and if I have accepted and allowed myself to buy into the conveniences, I will write it out, starting with my drivers license: I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to instead not write myself out fully this morning to direct myself, I instead went and studied for my drivers test to go get my license, knowing the entire time that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my drivers test as a convience for myself, therefor I will write out my next convience. I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to create getting a job as a convenience, of course, because en I will have money, and then I can show everyone that I have money with the items that I have. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify these conveniences in my mind while writing, by always leaving some little bit of convenience to feed off of, which this convenience being me writting as if this will 'give me back' my access to the convenient items, not seeing and realizing or up even trying to understand that I am not giving up my convenience t things, that I am not actually living the words that I am applying, therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed yield to make excuses for the knowledge I've had in my life, where I new this whole time that I've been Busive, and others around me have been abusive, but instead accumulating this energy within myself from accepting and allowed others to decieve me, like e relationship with my mom and dad. Its like I new my dad bitching at me all the time was bullshit, but instead of actually being self honest with myself that he was bullshit with bitching at me all e time, I allowed myself to be sweet talked by my mom, and then I could make the excuse for applying that abuse towards myself and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself deliberately in order t gain convenience, thus I'm commited t really write myself out here untill I stop victimizing myself within my writing to have e excuse to go out and abuse and fuck everything p. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make excuses of not writing myself out completely, simply because 'its too hard and too dimensional' and therefor this being a reaction from when my dad would be super hard on me, and then I would take that situation and then make it as if it is hard, and hen victimize myself not to do it anymore, simply be ause my dad bullshited to me that it was hard, therefor I'm commited to not create writting out as if it is hard, and simply understand that writting is a way for me t in fact express myself and to in fact take self responsibility for myself, and therefor I'm commited to not create a starting point of making writing hard, and thus I'm commited to write out specifically why I think writing is hard: I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the idea that writing is hard from the starting point of trying t make the excuse to myself that I need convenience, and therefor this crosses the very tool that rids of cmvenience, and then instead of actually writing out my convenient experiences, thus my fears, I instead create the illusion that I am 'getting better' as a way of reacting to not wanting to get rid of the convenient experiences, and then once I realize that I will actually be writting out everything that I must stand for, I go into the emotions of 'this is too hard' and then creating excuses within myself that the other responsibilities hat I'm participating in makes it ok for me not to write, as when I was younger and I could make the excuse to go to the nurses office in school, because it was simply easier than school work, or where I could go use the bathroom, simply because it was more convenient than actually having to get the school work done. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor not stand for what can direct me, but instead stand for what is more convenient to my mind, and what sort of escape I can use than t actually live responsible, or to actually take part in what actually needs to be done, and so then I will push that on things thati simply find convenient, and therefor will find all sorts of things to be able to continue with that responsibility t fulfill e illusion if my ind, instead of actually going and taking actuall self responsibility, which is for my life, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize and understand that in order for me to actually take actuall self responsibility, I must face all inconveniences, because clearly I had chose to d what is most convenient, if only but an escape fom the reality that I'm bullshit, that i'i do not actually exist, and therefor 'I' will create all of these openings and points to be able to go and abuse others to clarify 'I', since of course'i' is a lie, but 'me' is where I actually see, because me is directive, it is me, the ohysical, the cycle that should in fact take consistent responsibility within all points, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to single out certain aspects of responsibilities, and create voids to prevent myself from actually cycling, seeing that I must change the old pattern of bullshit untill I practically stand as life, and therefor I'm commited to push through all points untill I practically see it within myself, and therefor apply it within that moment. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself t create a void from taking full responsibility by taking what I have taken self responsibility with, and the making that as an excuse to fuck up again and go the convenient direction again, and us I forgive myself for pushing inconvenience within myself as a way of pretending that I'm actually taking a stand, when In fact I am only deliberately still creating a void within myself to actually take self responsibility. I'm commited to not create voids any longer when I figure out at I've created a void, and I'm commited to not stop when I fundamentally know that there is still more to be written out and applied. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate applying self forgiveness within writing from applying self forgiveness within my ohysical activities, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate my writing from hysical activity, therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create writing as an inconvenience, and then ohysical activity as a convenience, us. Forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to I victimize myself deliberately when I know I've been dishonest, and misconstruing the notion of Inconvience to purposefully go and abuse, and t go and continue my bullshit, thus I'm commited to write out what this bullshit..

Day 16 - fear of exposing myself

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the illusion of being able to hide in myself, not seeing or realizing that this is my ego trying to hide itself as a way of me resisting taking self responsibility of this ego. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create that point of self forgiveness as a way of this point of convenience that "yay now I am exposing myself, so that must give my the excuse to be able to stop writing or go get something to at to "take a break" from my bullshit. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take my self forgiveness serious but instead make it as a point of convenience for my egos to stop and tnot fully expose myself for what ve accepted and allowed. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold back my vocabulary and therefor this being a reaction to holding back exposing myself and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create this sense that there's time involved within my writing, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the points where gian told me that I have all the time to do it as bad in reaction to my ego resisting, not seeing or realizing the practical explanation he was giving me that I must write myself out in order to expose myself completely, and not hold these polarities within my writing, if not but me continueing trying to prevent from exposing my ego, and preventing myself fom actually taking self responsibility for what I've accepted and allowed. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my body will also react to me exposing myself, for it is my ego creating the feelings in my body to prevent me frm fully writing myself out. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor make the excuse that I cannot write to such an extent, not seeing or realizing that I am only but trying t protect my self note rest and my position which is all driven by my fear, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take my self forgiveness seriously to change myself for what is best for all, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to create myself as me special than others, and therefor try to uphold that convenience, the illusion and then go back in my mind and try to self sabotage myself by firstly feeling inferior to women, and creating the point of being attacked by females, and then creating the excuse to go and hide, not realizing that this is simply the reaction that I'm experiencing as a void of preventing myself t understand that 'I' don't really exist, and therefor I must stand and take actual responsibility to rid myself of what ive accepted and allowed as myself which is other but an abuse, as an asshole who will go and blame others for my bullshit, and will try to create myself as godly to create slaves to follow me, and so I can show them that they owe me for my own self accumulated bullshit, and therefor I'm commited to not create slaves, t not create ohysical destruction to the extent of extreme bullshit, of destroying objects in my room, or posting absurd shot on Facebook of killing myself and killing others to but create more eyes on me and to feed the bullshit at I've accepted and allowed as myself. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor not take self responsibility for myself ever I my life, and only but make excuses for my position, and look at others positions who effected my bullshit which I accepted and allowed, and not practicAlly taking what I've accepted and allowed and lean frm it and how it effects others practically, and being alone and fixing it, all-one to therefor actually live as an example for what is best for all life, and not make excuses to not write. I'm commited to therefor understand that I must write in order to fully expose myself to take self responsibility for myself, and to get really specific with the bullshit that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist within myself that prevents me from living alone, and thus I'm commited to build a 'tolerance' through writing, and therefor not covering up any bullshit, and fully exposing myself for what I've accepted and allowed, to take practical responsibility, and no mater what, to it stop anywhere, and to push through the resistance untill I can live self honest, untill I can live for what is best for all life and myself, and regardless always push through, untill its done d-one. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor be held by convenience, and by drives of fea, and thus I'm commited to investigate myself within the fears that cause these patterns, firstly wi y writting: I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create thus purposefully misconstrue writing as this boring thing, which this beng a result from therefor the fear of exposing myself as an ego, and as a result of fully exposing the details within why I'm not fully exposing myself. Tus I'm commited to expose these points here: I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the point of writting, as this point of self righteousness, therefor creating my vocabulary as self righteous, and the very point of writing as self righteous, thus this bei one void frm fully writing myself out to self forgiveness, I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to create comparisons to the other destonians writing, and therefor create self righteousness within myself, as a void from the reality that I'm not accepting and allowing myself to fully expose myself for my bullshit as an ego, and create exposing myself as 'hard' simply due t me only intending on holding self note rest within my writing to continue the patterns of convenience, and to therefor react to that in a way of creating the n convience as self righteous, and then creating that as convenience. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself t therefor try to make my abuse out to be this fucking game, and this poi t where I don't have to take self responsibility within myself, simply because "its too hard to bring out the details" therefor I'm commited to I. Act expose myself to all points that come up within myself. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, understand what it actually means to take self responsibility, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not understand that I must get rid of all forms of my programmed convenience in order to have actual ntegrity, which requires my full will, which requires to not stop untill it is in fact done. I therefor forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not push through and out of the convenience which my mind creates, and taking that oppurtunity of 'hardship' to stop the mind bullshit, and to write it out, to take apart the shit and to really and actually take self responsibility for myself, because it is practically best for myself, and everything else is my mind trying t resist, and tell me otherwise. I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to therefor try to stop here within myself, when I do realize that its hard for my ego, and then I create points of convenience within what I've taken responsibility for, and stopping there in order to make it convenient for my ego to not write out anymore. I therefor am commited to not stop writting untill I reach a point of self honesty within my writing. And if I fall again, to write more. I'm commited to understand that this takes time, but also to understand that if there is a point to confront, to confront it then and there, and not create convenience frm that point by either pushing to gain sme form of fulfillment within myself that "oh cool look I'm pushing through check me out" Therefor I will break down these points: I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a point of a superior image within myself as a void from actually taking self responsibility for the bullshit within my mind. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to stop there, by looking at others minds, Nd then comparing and purposefully misconstruing it to fit myself to make the excuse of stoping there and not writing any firer and thus not fully taking self responsibility in this sense. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create physical hunger in myself t g and eat as an excuse to not continue writing, and as a way of preventing myself to write by creating ohysical sensations within myself to feed the addiction that the fear patterns within me are creating, instead of completely and honestly writting myself out to in fact push through my bullshit. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed us elf to relate my ask bullshit to now, and compare now to then and make the excuse that "well I made it this far and its farther an before" as a way of making the excuse not to write any further or continue exposing myself and my bullshit. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the point of how far other destonians have got, and then relating it to where I am now as if "oh well now I'm where they are" simply as a way of creating the void of actually being self honest that I'm not special, that my ego does not exist, I cannot make justifications or deceptive excuses within myself to generate fear and prevent me from fully exposing myself as an ego. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself try to keep escaping from myself, not being fully self honest that there is no escape, and that I'm here living, and therefor I require writing myself out fully to stop the abuse within myself, and actually living that statement by actually writting out my bullshit, therefor from this pont on I'm commited to now get to the bullshit within myself, and then correct myself when I try t create resistance within that. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself t create that push within my writting, not seeing and understanding that I'm now in reaction to not wanting to write, trying to create problems in myself to as of show off my writti g to no ever reads this as a way to not actually live up t the words that I've wrote towards my resistance to writing. I'm commited to go clean my house, and therefor slow down my breathing and focus more n this point to slow myself within writting, and look at it more practically.

Day 14 - not giving into the problem

So, in this blog I'm going to carefully write out and really look so I don't end up compounding the reaction. So the first point is who I am, and who I'm around. So who I'm around is what I've accepted and allowed to be who I am, in terms of the mind conciousness system. So I ill write out self forgiveness for this. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate others to me within the mind conciousness system. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor be defined by reactions, and thus compound these reactions through trying to survive within others reactions. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor focus on reactions win my process, and within a solution, thus actually focusing on the problem. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to at the moment focus on the outrage that I've caused within myself, and therefor just burst it out towards everyone else instead of standing for it. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to let this accumulate from the point of others fucking with me and allowing myself to think that actually effects me, and therefor I forgive myself hat I've accepted and allowed myself to justify my patterns because of others around me. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of ridding these reactions frm the illusion if security it gives me. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create the idea as if there is something wrong with me, or smething out to get me always, and therefor I have to seclude myself. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compound this energy in myself and not change it in fact as a way of standing. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear telling myself that I have to stand, and look at it as a threat to myself, or as me telling myself that I fucked up, and now I have to fix the fuck up and I'm a bad person for ever to have fucked up. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor dwell on everyone around me and think they think I'm fucked up and will tell me just that. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to dwell on the people I live with who constantly mention this to me, and buy int the energy as a way of saying 'fuck you' t them. I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed yield to therefor do this to myself, where I will tell myself 'well fuck you, you are a worthless peice of shit and you know it, and your body is worthless, and just your general existence is worthless. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give into is, not realizing that this pattern doesn't really exist. That his pattern is but someone that ive accumulated over time, and therefor I require to fix it and find myself as life, which requires not looking at the problem, or dwelling or worrying whether I'm going to be judged, since I would still be giving into the pattern. I forgive myself for therefor creating this realeving feeling after I write as if I'm 'saved' frm my shit now, not realizing that this is a defense mechanism to keep me telling myself 'you are a worthless peice of shit, now suck my dick and then go hide in the corner after I cum. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor feel humiliated by my body, where I have to actually torcher it in order to feel some sort of release, when actually it is only humilliating myself more, and is what keeps me in the patterns of feeling comfort, and pleasure for my bullshit, and compounding that reaction wi the excuse that its too hard, thus Im commited to actually stand within myself and not hide in bullshit and self sabotage. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want t hide from everyone, thus this only self sabotaging myself from thinking everyone is going t punish me or harass me, and therefori forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to focus on the past memories of being harassed and reacting, and then layering it with ways of helping my self feel superior from what I felt inferior to. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create self interest win my relationship to people, and where I will humiliate myself by doing smething outrageous and then they can tell me I'm a peice of shit and then I can go hide and then be in a select few relationships where I manipulate them and then receive abuse from them just as well. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect my writing to be convent as this way of saving myself frm these relationships, instead of actually getting rid of the pattern and helping myself move through the bullshit, and therefor focus on the solution to what is and has been fuckin with me, and finding myself as life away from this fear mongering ego that constantly shows up "oh you have a problem you have a problem and you can't fix it" I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor rush through me writing as this way of hurrying up to get it to who will see it, so I don't feel bad or as a way of feeling better from the punishment that I'm creating in my mind. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor escalate past reactions as who I am now, and then punishing myself for these reactions and then feeling better throu the writting, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not stand up and actually write down the reactions, and actually get rid of them through being actually self honest. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor be self righteous when I find myself standing, to only manipulate myself back into self punishment, and the whole not accepting my body and its expression because ive accepted and allowed myself to be driven by my ego and my fear within my self writing, and do very manipulative things in my mind to convince myself that its real and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to dwell on the past, on the characters that have built me, as if I must please these characters, and then when I cannot please them in my mind, I resent me, everything of me, and then ill start smashing things and becoming suicidal and allot of outbursts. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to continue be driven by fear within my existence, as if I am punished by everything that happens to me, and everyone that I do should be punished, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have to exploit my environment all at once to create positivity and praise within myself in co existence to it. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to by into the energy at the moment with the others who live here. I forgive myself that ve accepted and allowed myself to want to hide and go back into e self pleasure and just hiding and not doing anything. I'm commited to in fact focus on the solution and not the problem, and when I do face a problem I will self correct myself to not participate in the patterns. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify to myself that the patterns have some form of excuse to them, not understanding that I'm stil not being completely self honest within my writting, and instead using my writing to please others or to please myself from the self punishment. I'm commited to not keep buying into the fear, I'm commited to not judge myself for buying into the fear, but practically solving it as a point of standing up and fixing the problem and not as a point of dwelling on the problem and the past reactions. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor relate problems to self forgiveness, where I will create this idea that 'where's something wrong with me' and therefor I create the future scenario of failing in my ind. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor still try to protect my pattern. And not in fact stand and focus on what needs to be done at hand in the ment. I'm commited to stop patterns of expecting others to acknowledge what I'm doing, I'm commited to focus on my breathing and focus on what I'm doing right now, and then look at the physical and consider the physical without thing to create a position within myself. I forgive myself tha I've accepted and allowed myself to create this point within me hat 'well now I'm winning and I don't have a problem with me anymore, not understanding that this is the pattern of fearing myself win my own process, and sugar coating it with this idea of 'saved' and not understanding that I'm still creating the problem for myself in the first place to create that reaction, thus I'm commited to take my process one set at a time, like it requires one step at a time within anything else here physically, and not create this opening failure point for myself, and therefor not create wants of what I'm doing. I'm commited to focus on myself, and not mention my bullshit to anyone else, and not give int others who intend on harassing,e, and simply focus on myself within the solution for myself and what is best for myself. When I find myself resting self interest and accumulating the patterns, I will breath and self correct myself from the starting point of fixing the bullshit and not doing it froma. Point of hiding and creating fear In myself as if there is smething wrong with me, but only doing it for what is best for myself. I'm commited to not relate past experiences therefor to what I'm doi now and here, and understand that I am fixing myself right now, and dwelling on the problem is the exact thing my ego wants to survive, and is what will keep me mind fucking myself. I'm commited to self write as a point of meaning and understanding myself, and do it for me as a way of fixing me, and not to create sme point of having to gain acknowledgment from others. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor compare myself to other within my writing, and to continue the fear of losing within my writing, not realizing that it is the pattern of excuses of my own bullshit to create voids by blaming others or placing the, as my pattern. I am commited to not fuck with myself, and not keep telling myself that I'm a failure,NAND that I can't do it,NAND actually stand within myself and correct the problem from the point of looking at the solution. I'm commited to therefor not self write to please others, or to do it to gain some type of acknowledgment from who ever sees my writing, and actually correct myself when I find myself trying to gain gain acknowledgment from my relationships to others. I'm commited to correct myself when I enter a pattern, and t not try to make excuses for it to continue, but to understand that it is a non existent pattern, and I must stand for myself and correct myself within that moment that the pattern happens, and to not fear failing, or the usual thought that comes up, and understand that it is just a thought, and that it is not me, and I am here, and therefor I have the ability to stand up and correct myself, which does not consist of dwelling in myself with failing, or rushing. I'm commited to no longer rush myself when I'm writing from the point of telling myself that there is someone wrong with what I, writting, and I must write more because there's something wrong with me, not undergo standing that writing is simply correcting the current reactions, and should not be compounded even further through just purposefully creating more reactions. I'm commited to therefor not procrastinate the reactions that happen within me, and actually self correct myself within those reactions, and not make excuses which but only creates more openings of reactions under the foundation of 'there is something wrong with me' I'm commited to stand, and to correct myself when I 'fail'/fall, and correct myself to keep standing t do what is best for myself as life, and to rid my ego and free myself frm the completely false characters that I've accepted and allowed myself t build as my ego.

Day 14 - I feel sick to be existing

I fear being in my body. I can't even write out something without thinking I'm going to be humiliated for it and judged for it. Therefor I fear writing write now. I fear being self sufficient because I fear myself and my body. I looks at my body as disguising and resent it. I can't write without creating so,e form of having to be comforted by likes or approve ment.

Day 13 - masturbation from fear patterns

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in masturbation from acucumulated fear patterns. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not breath and apply self correction when I arrive at these patterns. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that masturbation is the greatest orgasm I can get as a supression from the fear patterns. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor allow fear to drive me. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to overwehlm my self with fear, and accumulate this to the point where I have to hide into suppression of some sort, and then accumulate that supression untill I finally decide to masturbate. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to herefor make excuses from writing by masturbating, in the sense of feeding off of my external environment and relating myself to it as a reflection of the higher simulation of myself that I've accepted and allowed to be created from the driving point of universal fear, and thus wherei try to place my self as an aspect of what ever is trivial. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify my position because everyone else participate, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to escalate the fundamental notion that 'something is wrong with me' and therefor I conform to what is trivial in society to survive within my inherent design which has been formed from my parents. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty at the moment for masturbating, not understand that this is exactly how the pattern in the mind conciousness system works - where I receive the fear, I supress the fear, and then I feel guilty for suppressing due to the entirety of polarity, which was is me justifying my position in itself by self sabotage. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be driven by mind dependency, instead of my physical expression as life, and therefor within all aspects of my life, I have always depended on the very system that I'm built and programmed from, which is the mind, so clearly everyone that reflects my mind, is what my mind must depend on to continue surviving. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor not realize that this includes all my relationships, wi I exceptions, and that all relationships require being investigated in order for me to support myself AS LIFE. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to continue layering these relationships and just going along with it, instead of stoping myself, correcting myself, and continue breathing, and not give into the fear patterns. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse that "well that's too hard" not understanding hat this very statement is fear of myself, which is my mind fearing itself non existing, and so I will create energy within my process, where I create these points of where 'I'm doing good', when this in itself is categorizing from polarity and from the fear of failure, or 'being brainwashed again', when I'm already setting myself up to be brainwashed by depending on ideas of accomplishments. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor tell myself 'there is something we with me, I keep going back into the patterns, damnit I just masturbated too so now I'm just fucked", which this being me protecting the patterns I depend on to run my self interest, and feed the fear and continue the fear. I'm commited to breath at the moment, find myself here, and write through self, and not depend on some form of imagery of how I will 'be cool' and 'saved' from writting, therefor I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to label myself within writing as this special sort of religion, and therefor trying to protect myself from the system. Thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself, breath, and realize that I require taking my process with dependency step by step, with writting out what I'm depending on, and not just categorizing certain parts that I self forgive with and say to myself 'well I no longer depend anymore, got that out of the way, phew*", I mean, it seems that I generalize more so than actually reach the details of why I'm dependent, and instead just make the excuse to myself that " well I got that point written, dwn, d now other points are just irrelavent, and therefor I must sit and fulfill myself with how well I'm living". Therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create this sense of relief when writing, and after I'm through from beating myself up, instead of accepting myself as what I've accepted and allowed, and simply writing it out and correcting myself. Thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself t procrastinate myself from ful self expression by categorizing myself within my process, from thinking that there's something wrong wi me, and not breathing, and stoping e reactions to the fears and simply writing it out here. I'm commited to not accumulate fears to the point where I'm suppressing the fears, and then eventually drive myself to masturbation. I'm commited to be self honest with myself when I'm experiencing 'good' feelings, and stopping there, and correcting myself, and writing if I need to. I'm commited to not accumulate the dependency of energy from self blame skin my writing, and not generalizing and categorizing points I bring forth in order to continue the delusion of my position within writing. I'm commited to not relate the other destonians to my writing, and not categorize or create the idea that they specifically are supporting me, just to continue the excuse to continue upholding my position. I'm commited to not relate myself to my environment for the sense of polarity, but stop, breath, and correct myself to an equal relationship with that environment. I'm commited to therefor confront myself in relation to my environment when I procrastinate from confronting, through breathing, and bringing myself back here through self forgiveness. Thus I am commited to not procrastinate points within my self forgiveness process in order to keep me putting self blame towards myself within my process. I'm commited to slow down and stop myself when I accumulate imagery that has to do with sex, or really all forms of mind sex. I'm commited to not tell myself "its too hard to write and self correct', thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have this thought from the justification of keeping mysp self interests, and therefori forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to depend on self interest in order to take self responsibility, to play music, to do anything, from the stand point of me telling myself 'there's something wrong with me' and so as a reaction I have to tell myself' I'm special' and then when that doesn't work out, I have to go back to the negative side, which this happening within my writin, within my relationships to people, and with my music, because I have to uphold the superior mind feeling by comparing myself to others, and the music I'm playing, and categorize it in order to keep that superior feeling alive, when I'm in fact destroying myself from the very fears that I've accepted and allowed to build me from what was presented to me from my parents, and so I had to protect myself through trying to gain superior ground over everything I co exist with. I'm commited to at the moment take this to another part from what caused me to get to this point, breath at the moment, and investigate myself within spoken words.

Day 12 - I depend on what's universal, and justify my position

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that my relationships were something that had to be made up by definitions of trivialities.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus depend on trivialities to understand myself, when in fact Im not even owning myself, but instead being enslaved to what is said by everyone else, which always represents some opening of abuse, and always branches off as an identity to survive within that abuse.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify my position in trivialities, and what's universal because the pattern of fear and dependency occurs, and then when I realize that fear is bullshit, I will go and try to find something else to show me otherwise than what is actually my relationship to myself, and my relationships.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that EVERYONE has participated in this system to some extent and aspect, and which all consists of everyone being dishonest with who they were, which is LIfE, and therefor there has been no system provided to support what is best for all life, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to value abuse over what is best for all, and be eatin up by consumption, and self interest in all forms, and always find ways to bullshit myself into thinking that somehow it can't be true " oh me, I'm of life, I do not participate as life, but I am in fact a slave to what's universal" and then when I give in, I masturbate. What do you fucking know, everyone in the world has been fucking eachother for thousands of years, and then when I make excuses, and reasons not to be self honest with who I a and what I've accepted and allowed, I wip my fuckin dick out and start fucking myself, to fuck others, and then I'm joining the fucking again.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to it realize or understand that self honesty is exactly that, SELF honesty, not 'you're doing this because others are' honesty, or pretty much where I have to constantly think up what I've heard from bernard, or what ive read frm blogs, instead of actually being self sufficient with myself within each breath, and discovering each dimension, and why I'm deceiving myself, and why I'm making excuses, and why I react to the system in general.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that my breath is who I am, and that I have always tried to convince myself otherwise that I'm a definition, that I'm this thought, and that thought.p, when in fact I'm just protecting reactions of fear, COMPLETELY, all experiences that occur through feelings of light and love are fear driven, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not understand that fear requires a source to latch onto, to depend on, and therefor me depending on fucking anything in the first places the very thing that causes me to go int self deception, and be manipulated by others, and create bullshit analogies and comparisons etc.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not slow down in these moments and keep practicing breathing, and what in fact breathing allows for me, which is LIVE, I mean fuck is it really any harder than that, is there really any thing else t fucking figure out - sounds like dishonesty to me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my process requires my full self, that it is about me, discovering myself, and therefor this requires accepting myself as me, in all aspects, no exceptions, and therefor these exceptions being eliminated require me being self sufficient as life, therefor not reacting in fear t my process, because I'm not depending, I am living.

I'm commited to self forgive in all costs, no matter how much bullshit I try to convince myself with, because in the end, all I have to master is myself, and no one but me will ever stop me living, and understanding who I am as life, because I'm already life, and that's my relationship to everything, therefor, that should be my relationship to mepy mind, but instead I'd repost her be driven by bullshit that doesn't even fucking exist.

I'm commited to be self sufficient, to support myself, to support my body, to support my needs, to support myself n expression, therefor support my environment, and not depend on my environment, therefor not search for depending on people, what bullshit they have to spread, or even what support they have to spread, but make myself as life co existent to life, to the physical, to the universe, and live as that practical example.

I'm commited to therefor accepted myself as myself, to not create bullshit accomplishments to my process, but simply live, discover myself, enjoy my process, investigate myself, and correct myself when I face resistance.

I'm committed to do what is best for myself, and thus instigate reactions, how I relate myself to my environment and others, and to my process itself.

I'm commited to ask for assistance as a last resort, and learn how to fully rely on myself, because after all, I am me, so, its that practical, and I should embrace myself, and breath day in and day out, no exceptions, because I've been doing it this whole time after all.

When I find myself participating in fear, and justifying fear, I will slow down, I will breath, I will investigate myself fully by myself, from self honesty, and strip myself from dependency, and self master through my own corrections, and my own physical practices.

I am life, that is who I've always been, a life form p, in a great big existence of chemistry, and equality, and this world doe snot represent that what so ever.p, and therefor im commited to take self responsibility for myself t ensure that the world changes for apwhats best for all, and thus all of the things that I enjoy that ive allowed to create as selfInterest, can be enjoyed by All, always, there is no limit in equal enjoyment,

Day 12 - fear triggered, panic, justification

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to generate fear and panic.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create this fear and panic from the starting point of playing guitar outside wi the amp, and worrying if others will hear me play.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create panic due to this time pushing myself through not playing n the hope that others will hear me play, which when I started to play I began enjoying myself, but then of course I triggered a thought when I heard a branch crack or hat ever it was, and immediately assumed it was a person, and then I started playing the songs with the imagery hoping that others would be listening to me while I was playing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accumulate this panic when playing guitar in front of other, due to me self confronting myself this time, not seeing and realizing that it is simply another dimension that I must correct.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create justifications of self interest to not correct myself, to protect myself from actually riding the pattern of fear in itself.

I forgive myself that I keep going back to the point of mediation. Is like such a fucking intense point that tries to impede me supporting myself. Like simply a thought, that has nothing to do with me breathing, or connecting with myself, knowing myself for who I really am, but instead I create this point of immediately assuming that meditation and not doing anything and just shutting off my thoughts is what will support myself, when I can't even support myself while I'm playing guitar. How am I really taking care of myself through having to DEPEND on a quite room with no distractions and just sit there and shut off my mind. What happens when the same reactions continue occurring over and over and over the exact same way..

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor depend on outside forces, on what philosophers and gurus talked about, not seeing realizing, that I already have myself. These thoughts that keep coming up in me is telling me that I need to depend on some form of energy and being to be stable, not seeing and understanding that I'm already living, why can't I be SELF HONEST with this, like this opposite of what this world has been. This world has been nothing but people deceiving and abusing eachother, all frm what, apdis honesty, lies which manifest from being dishonest with who we are, that we are living, that we are therefor equal with life, its that fucking simple, and all I want to convince myself with, is fucking meditation, I mean am I fucking serious. I haven't been able to have any integrity mp throughout my life, and I've only but allowed myself to be dogged on by people, to be fucking gulable to everyone, and never focus on myself, and never be self sufficient, just like the meditation, its alan watts in my head saying, oh no don't 'confront' yourself, because that's ego, when actually it is being self honest with myself with words, that's like saying to myself, I have no rights to my breath, to my words, and therefor I am not allowed to be self honest, to self direct myself, but instead, I must depend on meditation from the point of fear, to not self direct, but go sit and do nothing about what has been happening in this world, and therefor only allow myself to be apgulable to more bullshit stories.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take my self forgiveness breath by breath, but instead expect the reactions. I'm commited to as of now breath and stop worrying about whether meditation is valid or not, and discover what is practical..

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself for having depended on others to tell me what's valid, and get deceived from those who gave false presentations.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create confusion, like I did when I was a child, where I would be deceived, but I would get so confused because I knew that I should be participating in something which is best for all, but I just did what the others told me because. Didn't want to get punished, which punishment being founded by what's universally presented as the system, punish,ent and rewards, therefor Im creating all of the bullshit portions of what alan watts talked about, like accepting feelings, and opinions, and love and light, and therefor I'm recieving the exact same effect universally in comparison to him talking about meditating.

This requires me to investigate, I cannot depend anymore, and cannot rely on others anymore for what I do. If I'm going to ever support myself, I must self direct myself, but I've been a deceived otherwise that I'm accepting and allowing the intense fear of distrust in myself t take over me, and therefor when I am more stable and applying self forgiveness, I'm still doing it with a tent of having to depend in others to clarify what is wrong with me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not have trust in myself, and t fall helpless when I realize that it requires self directing myself in order to stabilize myself within my breath.

I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to create the dependency of feeling better after self directing myself and when I post my blog, not understanding that I'm not actually knowing what breathing means, but instead creating a barrier towards myself, its like there's a man on top of the barrier who keeps telling me to stop climbing or ill fall, and so of course I know I need to climb it to stop being improvised, but its relieving knowing I won't fall if I dare to climb it.

I forgives self that I've accepted and allowed myself to not understand that I'm my own master. I'm living, therefor I express as life, and me, this life form, can express words, and therefor I can express words to represent myself as life, because I'm already life, and I must therefor self master myself as life, and not keep making excuses to keep being enslaved to others, to keep being deceived.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest for me, but to be self honest for others. I, still depending, m still creating the stress for myself, the patterns, and therefor I inevitably going to create the excuse to just escape and meditate/ go into the universal spectrum which consists of love and light/ fear, which is the very thing that is enslaving me, and will by all means make excuses to tell me not to self direct myself, and not live as life, and express myself as life, but to manifest under the starting point of fear, bullshit manipulative deceptive fear thoughts gong through my head directing me to fuck myself up and others, just like those throughout my spchild hood.

I'm commited to gain ohysical confidence of myself, to not give into dependency, to not give into manipulative bullshit thoughts that only but keep me staring at the barrier, and never mastering myself and pushing myself to 'over'come, to get over myself, to fucking stop trapping myself, to shut the fuck up when I'm trying to define myself from fears, and just stop and breath.

I'm commited to therefor stop judging myself in situations of expression, to stop judgment from deceptive thoughts, and create helplessness in myself.

I'm commited to not depend on energy anymore, to not be driven by energy, and to not justify it with self interest and supression, and to not hide when I'm overwhelmed after accumulating a much of it.

I'm commited to self master myself for real, and to stop fucking justifying all of my relationships that I've accepted and allowed universally, and to take self responsibility when and as I participate in the mind, and just breath, com pe back here, and know who I am, I am, my own master, or I can depend in disaster.

I am commited to take self responsibility physically, to d it because it is me doing it, and not doing it to fulfill energy, not do it because it might get me an award, but to do it because it is me expressing myself as life for what is best for myself as life, and therefor what is best for all.

I'm commited to continue writing,  continue my process to discover myself, and to in fact self master myself.

Day 12 - fearing being made fun of, embarrassment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being made fun of, or getting into situations that I would percieve as embarrsing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed to express myself in the first place.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not realize that this embarrassment is simply something triggering from when I had been made fun of, or the jestures, or expression I was presenting was looked at as inferior by others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into patterns of wanting to hide or find some other form of superiority to supress what I feel embarrassed to do.

I forgive myself that I've had this sort of e areas,ent with writing, where I fear myself failing because my expression isn't good enough, or I fucked up and it somehow got noticed by something, when really it is just me building the characters that I have in my memory, and simply relating those jestures and attitudes towards my expression.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor fear others attacking my expression, or making fun of it, where I will be open to others, and not realizing that this is simply relating the memories of being attacked, or made fun of in the past, and then relating it to what ever situation I happen to get involved with.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify this fear pattern by telling myself' its ok if I procrastinate expression, and hide and find something to make me feel better' instead of expressing death and self correcting myself. In the moment, which does not consist of characters, but simply me expressing, and self guiding myself back to me as life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to then go into 'ok cool now I'm getting better at expressing' from the starting point of fearing being attacked somehow or made fun of towards my expression in the first place, which all happens through just me relating that scenario in my ind and becoming fearful.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take this embarrassment out on others in my mind, and then feel guilty for immediately doing it in that moment, or will become more touchy with my cat and excessively play with him.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have this fear within playing music, where I will become paranoid before playing in front of others, and the immediately I have to create myself as some superior image to protect myself from the intimidation.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel embaresed to play sports, which was when I was attacked and made fun ofthe most, where I was made fun of for how I ran, for not doing well in much sports.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have put myself down all of my life for the potential I had to take care of myself, due to starting everything with trying to please the people around me.

I'm commited to walk outside, or learn how t jog outside and excersise and listen to music when I find myself accumulating these fears, and gathering up my breath before I write, to assure myself that I'm experiencing now, here, and there is no punishment, or no attack to me, and never essentially was, but. Accepted and allowed myself to layer fears that others have participated in as well, and got so dogged on and manipulated that I tried to survive in it so much that I failed, and created confusion frm this, simply due to me trying to survive under the intense patterns that are within my mind.

I'm commited to not dog n myself when. Expressing myself, to know itching is wrong wi me, that I'm living, and its that simple, and to not dog on myself when I'm writing, and thus not try to decieve myself not to write when I experience this fear, and to understand that it is knowing myself as life, as an expression through speaking through self honesty towards myself, that it is honest that I'm self -true that I'm life.

Day 12 - what is self interest - self correction, and breathing

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to buy int self interest.

I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to accumulate self interest from patterns of fear, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself, and for not breathing and self directing myself HeRE when I find myself accumulating such fears.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accumulate self interest by justifying that others participate.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is merely me being in fear that I will be somehow affected by the fear that others present, and thus justifying confronting his internal fear through running to self interest.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be self sufficient, but instead dependent on others for a sort of confirmation of what's valid or invalid, not understanding or seeing that this is but a defense mechanism for self interest, to keep an extent of the pattern there, to feed the fear and enslavement.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create paranoia of others harming me, thus even when it gets intense enough, creating fear of others in desteni harming me, which is merely from the trolls and haters that I've been presented its, and knowing that its bullshit, but still just letting the fear stay, and not being self sufficient through self honesty that it is only but fear, it is not what is supportive for myself, and therefor not what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create optimism in my process from the dependency fear, thus creating my process as dependable in itself, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to find a purpose in my process, which this purpose merely being me trying to supress what I fear as what I've accepted and allowed myself to become, and therefor not  in fact accepting myself as myself within what I've accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create this thus towards all relationships. Where I have distrust in myself already, and therefor when I find such distrust in myself, I create this distrust towards others, and become paranoid, and only overwehlm myself even more.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to attempt t verify fear to begin with, and not in fact understand that fear is all bullshit, it is not me, it is programmed reactions from memories of others manifesting their programming onto me, and layering the fear they show to me with delusion which is exactly what they did when it was presented to them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not breath in such situations, but instead creating the pattern of fearing of being brainwashed, when in fact I accept and allow brainwashing, I accept and allow myself to be influenced by fear, I'm consciously capable of being self honest, and therefor I'm just as consciously capable of accepting fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that accepting fear and fearing of being influenced by fear is fear of losing my self, my definition of what I've accepted and allowed myself to become.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create resistance from self honesty through this fear of loss, and instead justifying my self interest, and therefor inevitably being influenced by fear situations.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor protect my position in self writing, and therefor I writing as this way of defending myself from what ever is dishonest, and therefor when and as I find myself being presented by universal fear, it all comes together and reacts to the fear of losing my position in my process, and a I'm really just completely fucking myself here haha.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the void of my own protected position through creating separation towards others, where I will react to people specifically who I'm usually around most of the time, and that will also react to me, which of course is the effect of a coexistence manipulative relationship.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to therefor protect my position of 'being good' of 'winning' and therefor compare myself to others, and therefor to my process as a definition.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not realize that these definitions will are all but ways of manipulating myself from understanding that I'm life, and that my actual relationship to everything is one and equal.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accumulate dependency when all of these fears accumulate, which when I start understanding myself and thus the world around me, I have to o around and tell everyone and try to prove them something, which this being the defense mechanism to protecting my position of self interest.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify dishonesty, by telling myself 'oh well the feelings too intense, so therefor its cool if I continue feeding it, which not realizing, and understanding, that continuation of feeding it, is but from the starting point of fearing losing my position within my process, and therefor I feed into, and then of course I beat myself afterwards,instead slowing myself down, and understanding that is completely irrational, its not me, and simply I must change myself from these patterns.

I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to therefor create the notion that I must experience these patterns in order to change, not seeing and realizing that this is still depending on my definitions of fear, and that it is only to keep my fundamental position surviving.

I'm commited to not accumulate mind energy from this fundamental notion, and begin becoming self reliant, and self sufficient, and not depend on mind energy to drive me, or really just drive me down hill from actual self responsibility.

I'm commited to not create drive in what I'm participating in, but to breath, slow down, not best myself up, and simply change myself through self correction.

I'm commited to not depend on my relationships universally anymore, therefor not make universal excuses, and instead know myself, embrace who I am, and therefor actually focusing on myself as myself, and accepting what I've allowed to accumulate, and en change it.

When I find myself participating in fear, and justifying fear for the sake of protecting fear, and universal fear, I will breath, I will embrace who I actually am, I will self correct myself under that circumstance, and not limited under dependency of energy, or of having to have this sort of starting point of winning, and losing, or valid or invalid, or separation, since these are all mechanisms used to defend my position.

I'm commited to take my process one step at a time, to not accumulate fear, but to accept it, understand it is only a reaction, and self correct myself.

Day 12 - what is self interest? Part 1 - investigating

S it seems that the second I wake up, I have this reaction after a few seconds of conciousness, which consists of my jaw tightening up, but with this good sort of energy. I will begin to create this energy with some form of accomplishment, as if I didn't fuck up the previous day. Its my mom. She would bitch at me, and avoid me, untill I did something that pleased her expectations, and then if I woke her up in the morning when I needed something, or if we were supossed to do something, she would give me this grin of like ' oh yay I don't have to deal with my sons bullshit today because he FINALLY did something right'. S this is a point to open in regards to the relationship I have with my mom.

The next point I experience is picking out something that sounds primarily confident to what I 'want to acc list' and immediately I start to drift into this delusion that I'm winning, and I'm not failing, and everything might actually work out this time. Tough it seems that every time I create this self interest, I quickly get discouraged, and everything around me is tense, and its like I'm trying to protect smething.

The next point is with my writing. So, I've realized that within writing, I have had to universally be driven to do it, therefor mind driven to write. At first it will all be chill and ill enjoy it, and then ill begin to create boredom towards it, simply because it doesn't fit my primary self interest. So my resistance in writing, is simply due to not wanting to write because I 'want' to do something else, and then also because Im trying to protect the patterns that I've accepted and allowed which in effect is self interest, and en I start trying to find all sorts of bullshit ways to make it true, through justification, throu purposefully creating confusion on myself, and generally just allowing the kind to accumulate to protect itself.

So, basically the feeling always emerges, which obviously will take a timely investigation. Now this is actually the next point, which is, that when I find myself accumulating this energy, I do not slow down, or breath at first, but instead tell myself "god damnit you fucked up" as a reaction of really just trying to protect self interest, since I already created the starting point of 'winning' in my process, due to fear of failing, which therefor fear of losing the self interest which layers this fear, and therefor is why I have resistance in the first place.

So, erector when all of these different aspects of self interest occurs, or what ever resistance or restriction hits me, I just go to straight beating myself up over it, instead of just slowing down, and breathing, and realizing 'well fuck I'm here breathing, lets continue this, and stop the thoughts and self correct", but of course there was a dimension that was preventing that common sense reality, which was fear of failing my process, and thus fear of losing my purpose and position within my process, which of course has its own dimensions in itself.

I will create a part 2 for self investigating the details through self correction and self forgiveness...

Day 11 - anxiety and paranoia when playing music around others - correction with ohysical practice

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create intense anxiety when playing around others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify e anxiety from currently experiencing it before.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create this justification to go hide back in the normal patterns, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate self responsibility of what I generate as fears, and instead trying to hide and supress the fear, which suppressing the fear is exactly what it sounds like, the fear does not go away, it is still there, just caked with painkillers in the mind, and then when I realize that these painkillers/supressions are bullshit, I become fearful and anxious that it is in fact bullshit.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is the cause of why I accepted and allow myself to resist writting, and create the notion that its boring, because I would rather go and hide and supress myself through the exact source of fear that I've accepted and allowed to accumulate.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to then go into making excuses from this layer, and telling myself 'oh well remember I'm confused whether meditation is the answer or not, and writting is but ego driven, when in fact it is my ego telling me ideas to hoodwink from self responsibility of deminishing the pattern.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to currently justify my fear and supress the fearful relationships that I've accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate the fears to how my body is currently feeling now on caffeine from the coffee I had drank earlier.

I'm commited to stop right now, breath, correct myself, go on a walk, and slow my mind down to observe what's happening practically, and not further accumulate bullshit in my mind, and also calm my body down from the caffeine I've consumed.

Day 11 - giving into manipulative relationships

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold my relationships from a source of fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to continue these experiences instead of breathing and focusing on myself in physical co existence to the relationships.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify these relationships through the old patterns, and telling myself 'well this fear I'm experiencing is just too much, so I have a reason to give into it and not slow myself down"

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor rush my expression within relationships to make sure I'm 'one step ahead' from getting manipulated, or failing the relationship.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify these relationships through the high fulfillment a of self interest that are caused from the fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience this currently from drinking too much coffee and having the high feeling intesified from the coffee.

Im commited to slow down, and breath currently, and find myself in co existance to my writing, and not my mind.

I'm commited to not create guilt through writing or breathing, nor acknowledge when I realizeim breathing, or create some kind of accomplishment or relief that I'm breathing.

I forgive myself that've accepted and allowed myself to therefor acknowledge when and as I'm actually experiencing my physical self, and then once this happens I begin to acknowledge the bullshit relationships, as if somehow I've always had to acknowledge myself to prote t what ever I create as a fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to follow the acknowledgment, and not slow down and realize that I'm already a experiencing what has always been, and that it is my ego influencing me by trying to feel good about breathing, instead of simply correcting myself when and as I am participating in the mind, and jut breath.

I'm commited to breath, and slow down when I'm participating in and as the mind, and do not accumulate relationships with the manipulative mind, and find myself where I currently stand as a physical expression.

I'm commited to live as equal, and not as this idea of equality,.

Therefor I'm commited to live as life, therefor what is practically best for all life, and not a relationship of self interest for my mind.

Day 10 - correcting habits

So it seems there are many habits that I seems to loop through on a daily basis, and lately I've noticed them more clearly once I've stopped participating so much. Its not exactly what I'm participating in, but its how I'm approaching these things, from a starting point of escapism, gain, or what ever fulfillment that I receive.

 I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to play video games from the starting point of consumerism, where if I have money, I will want to spend the money on a game when having the chance, even though 7/10 I won't enjoy the game. Thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to percieve games as an experience of gain, or to fill in the gap of shit, instead of enjoying the game I'm playing and buying the game because I actually sincerely intended on wanting to play that game.

 I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create games, or any of my items as possessions, and then will use ese possessions as in comparison to others who don't have it, really just when I'm particularly upset at the person, and when they use it I purposefully take it away from their access for ego fulfillment. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create video games, music, as a form of escapism.p, or to fill in the GAO again of accomplishing or just generally feeling superior. I will simply want to buy all of this shit for my music, that's in fact very benificial, but its shit because I turn it into this shopping spree of having all of this stuff and then making it at some higher value than what it really is. And thus I forgive yield that I've accepted and allowed myself to as well fill in the gap of missing something within playing music, where I depend on goals, and accomplishing something or playing a complicated song to show everybody how big my dick is with holding a guitar.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor compare myself t others within my items, and within my qualifications.

I forgive myself for creating escapism, like watching YouTube videos and justifying that I'm enjoying the video than to self correct or self write.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself t escape to masturbation, and justify its entirety of self interest after escaping enough and falling for it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that masturbation is the emotional realese through high simulation mind energy, like with guitar and video games etc.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not investigate myself further through self correction, or stopping masturbation for 21 days and then experimenting with it again.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create sex with food, and thus create my body to crave bad foods when I'm hungry.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to smoke ciggerettes as a form of escapism p, or getting the realese from the drag.

I'm commited to stop all habits through making myself a schedule for responsibilities and gpgenerally what I need to take care of.

I'm commited to investigate myself fired within habits through self corrections when participating in music, video games, cigs. Etc.

I'm commited to not masturbate for 21 days.

I'm commited to become a vegetarian, and study health.

I'm commited to write every morning and every night.

I'm commited to not create a starting point of self interest or denial of this self interest when writing, playing music, etc.

I'm commited to get a job to support myself.

I'm commited to not create others hassling me as a barrier :0(such as my mother and father especially)

I'm commited to focus on myself day in and day out.

I'm commited to do what is best for my self and thus what is best for all through supporting myself, and not be ruled by bad habits.