S it seems that the second I wake up, I have this reaction after a few seconds of conciousness, which consists of my jaw tightening up, but with this good sort of energy. I will begin to create this energy with some form of accomplishment, as if I didn't fuck up the previous day. Its my mom. She would bitch at me, and avoid me, untill I did something that pleased her expectations, and then if I woke her up in the morning when I needed something, or if we were supossed to do something, she would give me this grin of like ' oh yay I don't have to deal with my sons bullshit today because he FINALLY did something right'. S this is a point to open in regards to the relationship I have with my mom.
The next point I experience is picking out something that sounds primarily confident to what I 'want to acc list' and immediately I start to drift into this delusion that I'm winning, and I'm not failing, and everything might actually work out this time. Tough it seems that every time I create this self interest, I quickly get discouraged, and everything around me is tense, and its like I'm trying to protect smething.
The next point is with my writing. So, I've realized that within writing, I have had to universally be driven to do it, therefor mind driven to write. At first it will all be chill and ill enjoy it, and then ill begin to create boredom towards it, simply because it doesn't fit my primary self interest. So my resistance in writing, is simply due to not wanting to write because I 'want' to do something else, and then also because Im trying to protect the patterns that I've accepted and allowed which in effect is self interest, and en I start trying to find all sorts of bullshit ways to make it true, through justification, throu purposefully creating confusion on myself, and generally just allowing the kind to accumulate to protect itself.
So, basically the feeling always emerges, which obviously will take a timely investigation. Now this is actually the next point, which is, that when I find myself accumulating this energy, I do not slow down, or breath at first, but instead tell myself "god damnit you fucked up" as a reaction of really just trying to protect self interest, since I already created the starting point of 'winning' in my process, due to fear of failing, which therefor fear of losing the self interest which layers this fear, and therefor is why I have resistance in the first place.
So, erector when all of these different aspects of self interest occurs, or what ever resistance or restriction hits me, I just go to straight beating myself up over it, instead of just slowing down, and breathing, and realizing 'well fuck I'm here breathing, lets continue this, and stop the thoughts and self correct", but of course there was a dimension that was preventing that common sense reality, which was fear of failing my process, and thus fear of losing my purpose and position within my process, which of course has its own dimensions in itself.
I will create a part 2 for self investigating the details through self correction and self forgiveness...
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