Day 13 - masturbation from fear patterns

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in masturbation from acucumulated fear patterns. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not breath and apply self correction when I arrive at these patterns. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that masturbation is the greatest orgasm I can get as a supression from the fear patterns. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor allow fear to drive me. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to overwehlm my self with fear, and accumulate this to the point where I have to hide into suppression of some sort, and then accumulate that supression untill I finally decide to masturbate. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to herefor make excuses from writing by masturbating, in the sense of feeding off of my external environment and relating myself to it as a reflection of the higher simulation of myself that I've accepted and allowed to be created from the driving point of universal fear, and thus wherei try to place my self as an aspect of what ever is trivial. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify my position because everyone else participate, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to escalate the fundamental notion that 'something is wrong with me' and therefor I conform to what is trivial in society to survive within my inherent design which has been formed from my parents. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty at the moment for masturbating, not understand that this is exactly how the pattern in the mind conciousness system works - where I receive the fear, I supress the fear, and then I feel guilty for suppressing due to the entirety of polarity, which was is me justifying my position in itself by self sabotage. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be driven by mind dependency, instead of my physical expression as life, and therefor within all aspects of my life, I have always depended on the very system that I'm built and programmed from, which is the mind, so clearly everyone that reflects my mind, is what my mind must depend on to continue surviving. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor not realize that this includes all my relationships, wi I exceptions, and that all relationships require being investigated in order for me to support myself AS LIFE. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to continue layering these relationships and just going along with it, instead of stoping myself, correcting myself, and continue breathing, and not give into the fear patterns. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse that "well that's too hard" not understanding hat this very statement is fear of myself, which is my mind fearing itself non existing, and so I will create energy within my process, where I create these points of where 'I'm doing good', when this in itself is categorizing from polarity and from the fear of failure, or 'being brainwashed again', when I'm already setting myself up to be brainwashed by depending on ideas of accomplishments. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor tell myself 'there is something we with me, I keep going back into the patterns, damnit I just masturbated too so now I'm just fucked", which this being me protecting the patterns I depend on to run my self interest, and feed the fear and continue the fear. I'm commited to breath at the moment, find myself here, and write through self, and not depend on some form of imagery of how I will 'be cool' and 'saved' from writting, therefor I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to label myself within writing as this special sort of religion, and therefor trying to protect myself from the system. Thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself, breath, and realize that I require taking my process with dependency step by step, with writting out what I'm depending on, and not just categorizing certain parts that I self forgive with and say to myself 'well I no longer depend anymore, got that out of the way, phew*", I mean, it seems that I generalize more so than actually reach the details of why I'm dependent, and instead just make the excuse to myself that " well I got that point written, dwn, d now other points are just irrelavent, and therefor I must sit and fulfill myself with how well I'm living". Therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create this sense of relief when writing, and after I'm through from beating myself up, instead of accepting myself as what I've accepted and allowed, and simply writing it out and correcting myself. Thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself t procrastinate myself from ful self expression by categorizing myself within my process, from thinking that there's something wrong wi me, and not breathing, and stoping e reactions to the fears and simply writing it out here. I'm commited to not accumulate fears to the point where I'm suppressing the fears, and then eventually drive myself to masturbation. I'm commited to be self honest with myself when I'm experiencing 'good' feelings, and stopping there, and correcting myself, and writing if I need to. I'm commited to not accumulate the dependency of energy from self blame skin my writing, and not generalizing and categorizing points I bring forth in order to continue the delusion of my position within writing. I'm commited to not relate the other destonians to my writing, and not categorize or create the idea that they specifically are supporting me, just to continue the excuse to continue upholding my position. I'm commited to not relate myself to my environment for the sense of polarity, but stop, breath, and correct myself to an equal relationship with that environment. I'm commited to therefor confront myself in relation to my environment when I procrastinate from confronting, through breathing, and bringing myself back here through self forgiveness. Thus I am commited to not procrastinate points within my self forgiveness process in order to keep me putting self blame towards myself within my process. I'm commited to slow down and stop myself when I accumulate imagery that has to do with sex, or really all forms of mind sex. I'm commited to not tell myself "its too hard to write and self correct', thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have this thought from the justification of keeping mysp self interests, and therefori forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to depend on self interest in order to take self responsibility, to play music, to do anything, from the stand point of me telling myself 'there's something wrong with me' and so as a reaction I have to tell myself' I'm special' and then when that doesn't work out, I have to go back to the negative side, which this happening within my writin, within my relationships to people, and with my music, because I have to uphold the superior mind feeling by comparing myself to others, and the music I'm playing, and categorize it in order to keep that superior feeling alive, when I'm in fact destroying myself from the very fears that I've accepted and allowed to build me from what was presented to me from my parents, and so I had to protect myself through trying to gain superior ground over everything I co exist with. I'm commited to at the moment take this to another part from what caused me to get to this point, breath at the moment, and investigate myself within spoken words.