Day 17 - giving into the cmvenience (part 1)

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to follow convenience, and be lead by convenience instead of following the points where I am able to stand and direct myself. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor only take in the knowledge of actually standing for what is best for myself, and simply just using it as this belief in the back of my mind that I am taking a stance, when in fact I'm simply deluding myself that I am taking a stance and therefor will go and buy into the conveniences which I will therefor place towards responsibilities, where I will say "oh no I cannot write today I must go and study and get my drivers license" or " no I must go and clean my house", and then when I realize this is all but a way of escaping myself and what I've accepted and allowed, I create the delusion that I'm actually writing myself out completely, and then will write out a bunch of words that kind of show my bullshit, but essentially it is all hidden because I create this superior point within my mind to try t run away from actually writing myself out, therefor I a, commited to keep writing myself out here untill I have ligitamtely written myself out, with no excuses that I have to do anything else, because clearly I've known that I've Ben fucking around self responsibility fr quite sometime, and instead have constantly taken the convenient route in order to escape my bullshit, and so I can go out and cause more destruction deliberately, therefor I will write out these points. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go and want to eat when I begin realizing points that I'm on the brink of opening up within myself. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to tell use of 'oh I have a job to get too, and therefor this will help me stabilize myself, not seeing and realizing that this is only but accumulating me fom escaping my actual fuck ups, where I actually need to take responsibility for, and so instead I go and I apply for the job to be able t escape my writing, and then when I realize I can't do his, I try to justify it in my mind while I'm writing, lol and this whole time I'm just trying to justify my ego, to justify my position. Then I will create this very statement as a point of relief like "phew, now I will be stable and now I can go get the job without having all of this bullshit in the back of my mind, therefor now is the point to actually stand and write myself out, erector I'm commited to write out until I in fact unlock all of the dimensions of defense, of fears, and not take the convenient fought that will only but cause me bullshit and turmoil. I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to firstly choose the majority of choices towards self interest instead of actually choosing what is best to direct myself, therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feed the charge within myself, of fear, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to depend on others to tell me my bullshit when I do come up towards it, and not in fact standing to what ever extent is necessary for me to unlock my bullshit from within myself, and making excuses not to take the required responsibility to unlock e bullshit within myself. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take the stand within the words that are best for all, therefor I'm commited to push through the words within myself and create words from the STAND point of what is best for myself and my physical, erector I'm commited to not g not my mind and stand as my mind and he conveniences that my mind tries to show me. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to deliberately make excuses not to write yield out, but to instead make excuses within myself to try and validate my mind, and try to validate my bullshit that my mind creates, through comparing it to responsibilities, and to comparing it to my items, to things that I must consume, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to go drive the truck, want to go workouts want to go play guitar, simply because. Have a starting point of lieing to myself why I am actually participating in these things. Therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself not to sacrifice myself for the greater good, whether it means becoming a complete fat ass, whether it means not being able Togo get the job just yet, whether it means not being able to spend as much time playing music, whether it means having to starve alittle bit, just to be able t sacrifice myself for what is best for all. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor want to create a schedule to try to fulfill conveniences instead of simply and practically looking at wht needs to be done to support myself, and then if I have time t wait for those Inge, I will wait, and if I have accepted and allowed myself to buy into the conveniences, I will write it out, starting with my drivers license: I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to instead not write myself out fully this morning to direct myself, I instead went and studied for my drivers test to go get my license, knowing the entire time that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my drivers test as a convience for myself, therefor I will write out my next convience. I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to create getting a job as a convenience, of course, because en I will have money, and then I can show everyone that I have money with the items that I have. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify these conveniences in my mind while writing, by always leaving some little bit of convenience to feed off of, which this convenience being me writting as if this will 'give me back' my access to the convenient items, not seeing and realizing or up even trying to understand that I am not giving up my convenience t things, that I am not actually living the words that I am applying, therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed yield to make excuses for the knowledge I've had in my life, where I new this whole time that I've been Busive, and others around me have been abusive, but instead accumulating this energy within myself from accepting and allowed others to decieve me, like e relationship with my mom and dad. Its like I new my dad bitching at me all the time was bullshit, but instead of actually being self honest with myself that he was bullshit with bitching at me all e time, I allowed myself to be sweet talked by my mom, and then I could make the excuse for applying that abuse towards myself and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself deliberately in order t gain convenience, thus I'm commited t really write myself out here untill I stop victimizing myself within my writing to have e excuse to go out and abuse and fuck everything p. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make excuses of not writing myself out completely, simply because 'its too hard and too dimensional' and therefor this being a reaction from when my dad would be super hard on me, and then I would take that situation and then make it as if it is hard, and hen victimize myself not to do it anymore, simply be ause my dad bullshited to me that it was hard, therefor I'm commited to not create writting out as if it is hard, and simply understand that writting is a way for me t in fact express myself and to in fact take self responsibility for myself, and therefor I'm commited to not create a starting point of making writing hard, and thus I'm commited to write out specifically why I think writing is hard: I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the idea that writing is hard from the starting point of trying t make the excuse to myself that I need convenience, and therefor this crosses the very tool that rids of cmvenience, and then instead of actually writing out my convenient experiences, thus my fears, I instead create the illusion that I am 'getting better' as a way of reacting to not wanting to get rid of the convenient experiences, and then once I realize that I will actually be writting out everything that I must stand for, I go into the emotions of 'this is too hard' and then creating excuses within myself that the other responsibilities hat I'm participating in makes it ok for me not to write, as when I was younger and I could make the excuse to go to the nurses office in school, because it was simply easier than school work, or where I could go use the bathroom, simply because it was more convenient than actually having to get the school work done. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor not stand for what can direct me, but instead stand for what is more convenient to my mind, and what sort of escape I can use than t actually live responsible, or to actually take part in what actually needs to be done, and so then I will push that on things thati simply find convenient, and therefor will find all sorts of things to be able to continue with that responsibility t fulfill e illusion if my ind, instead of actually going and taking actuall self responsibility, which is for my life, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize and understand that in order for me to actually take actuall self responsibility, I must face all inconveniences, because clearly I had chose to d what is most convenient, if only but an escape fom the reality that I'm bullshit, that i'i do not actually exist, and therefor 'I' will create all of these openings and points to be able to go and abuse others to clarify 'I', since of course'i' is a lie, but 'me' is where I actually see, because me is directive, it is me, the ohysical, the cycle that should in fact take consistent responsibility within all points, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to single out certain aspects of responsibilities, and create voids to prevent myself from actually cycling, seeing that I must change the old pattern of bullshit untill I practically stand as life, and therefor I'm commited to push through all points untill I practically see it within myself, and therefor apply it within that moment. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself t create a void from taking full responsibility by taking what I have taken self responsibility with, and the making that as an excuse to fuck up again and go the convenient direction again, and us I forgive myself for pushing inconvenience within myself as a way of pretending that I'm actually taking a stand, when In fact I am only deliberately still creating a void within myself to actually take self responsibility. I'm commited to not create voids any longer when I figure out at I've created a void, and I'm commited to not stop when I fundamentally know that there is still more to be written out and applied. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate applying self forgiveness within writing from applying self forgiveness within my ohysical activities, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate my writing from hysical activity, therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create writing as an inconvenience, and then ohysical activity as a convenience, us. Forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to I victimize myself deliberately when I know I've been dishonest, and misconstruing the notion of Inconvience to purposefully go and abuse, and t go and continue my bullshit, thus I'm commited to write out what this bullshit..