Day 14 - not giving into the problem

So, in this blog I'm going to carefully write out and really look so I don't end up compounding the reaction. So the first point is who I am, and who I'm around. So who I'm around is what I've accepted and allowed to be who I am, in terms of the mind conciousness system. So I ill write out self forgiveness for this. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate others to me within the mind conciousness system. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor be defined by reactions, and thus compound these reactions through trying to survive within others reactions. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor focus on reactions win my process, and within a solution, thus actually focusing on the problem. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to at the moment focus on the outrage that I've caused within myself, and therefor just burst it out towards everyone else instead of standing for it. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to let this accumulate from the point of others fucking with me and allowing myself to think that actually effects me, and therefor I forgive myself hat I've accepted and allowed myself to justify my patterns because of others around me. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of ridding these reactions frm the illusion if security it gives me. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create the idea as if there is something wrong with me, or smething out to get me always, and therefor I have to seclude myself. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compound this energy in myself and not change it in fact as a way of standing. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear telling myself that I have to stand, and look at it as a threat to myself, or as me telling myself that I fucked up, and now I have to fix the fuck up and I'm a bad person for ever to have fucked up. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor dwell on everyone around me and think they think I'm fucked up and will tell me just that. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to dwell on the people I live with who constantly mention this to me, and buy int the energy as a way of saying 'fuck you' t them. I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed yield to therefor do this to myself, where I will tell myself 'well fuck you, you are a worthless peice of shit and you know it, and your body is worthless, and just your general existence is worthless. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give into is, not realizing that this pattern doesn't really exist. That his pattern is but someone that ive accumulated over time, and therefor I require to fix it and find myself as life, which requires not looking at the problem, or dwelling or worrying whether I'm going to be judged, since I would still be giving into the pattern. I forgive myself for therefor creating this realeving feeling after I write as if I'm 'saved' frm my shit now, not realizing that this is a defense mechanism to keep me telling myself 'you are a worthless peice of shit, now suck my dick and then go hide in the corner after I cum. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor feel humiliated by my body, where I have to actually torcher it in order to feel some sort of release, when actually it is only humilliating myself more, and is what keeps me in the patterns of feeling comfort, and pleasure for my bullshit, and compounding that reaction wi the excuse that its too hard, thus Im commited to actually stand within myself and not hide in bullshit and self sabotage. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want t hide from everyone, thus this only self sabotaging myself from thinking everyone is going t punish me or harass me, and therefori forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to focus on the past memories of being harassed and reacting, and then layering it with ways of helping my self feel superior from what I felt inferior to. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create self interest win my relationship to people, and where I will humiliate myself by doing smething outrageous and then they can tell me I'm a peice of shit and then I can go hide and then be in a select few relationships where I manipulate them and then receive abuse from them just as well. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect my writing to be convent as this way of saving myself frm these relationships, instead of actually getting rid of the pattern and helping myself move through the bullshit, and therefor focus on the solution to what is and has been fuckin with me, and finding myself as life away from this fear mongering ego that constantly shows up "oh you have a problem you have a problem and you can't fix it" I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor rush through me writing as this way of hurrying up to get it to who will see it, so I don't feel bad or as a way of feeling better from the punishment that I'm creating in my mind. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor escalate past reactions as who I am now, and then punishing myself for these reactions and then feeling better throu the writting, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not stand up and actually write down the reactions, and actually get rid of them through being actually self honest. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor be self righteous when I find myself standing, to only manipulate myself back into self punishment, and the whole not accepting my body and its expression because ive accepted and allowed myself to be driven by my ego and my fear within my self writing, and do very manipulative things in my mind to convince myself that its real and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to dwell on the past, on the characters that have built me, as if I must please these characters, and then when I cannot please them in my mind, I resent me, everything of me, and then ill start smashing things and becoming suicidal and allot of outbursts. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to continue be driven by fear within my existence, as if I am punished by everything that happens to me, and everyone that I do should be punished, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have to exploit my environment all at once to create positivity and praise within myself in co existence to it. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to by into the energy at the moment with the others who live here. I forgive myself that ve accepted and allowed myself to want to hide and go back into e self pleasure and just hiding and not doing anything. I'm commited to in fact focus on the solution and not the problem, and when I do face a problem I will self correct myself to not participate in the patterns. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify to myself that the patterns have some form of excuse to them, not understanding that I'm stil not being completely self honest within my writting, and instead using my writing to please others or to please myself from the self punishment. I'm commited to not keep buying into the fear, I'm commited to not judge myself for buying into the fear, but practically solving it as a point of standing up and fixing the problem and not as a point of dwelling on the problem and the past reactions. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor relate problems to self forgiveness, where I will create this idea that 'where's something wrong with me' and therefor I create the future scenario of failing in my ind. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor still try to protect my pattern. And not in fact stand and focus on what needs to be done at hand in the ment. I'm commited to stop patterns of expecting others to acknowledge what I'm doing, I'm commited to focus on my breathing and focus on what I'm doing right now, and then look at the physical and consider the physical without thing to create a position within myself. I forgive myself tha I've accepted and allowed myself to create this point within me hat 'well now I'm winning and I don't have a problem with me anymore, not understanding that this is the pattern of fearing myself win my own process, and sugar coating it with this idea of 'saved' and not understanding that I'm still creating the problem for myself in the first place to create that reaction, thus I'm commited to take my process one set at a time, like it requires one step at a time within anything else here physically, and not create this opening failure point for myself, and therefor not create wants of what I'm doing. I'm commited to focus on myself, and not mention my bullshit to anyone else, and not give int others who intend on harassing,e, and simply focus on myself within the solution for myself and what is best for myself. When I find myself resting self interest and accumulating the patterns, I will breath and self correct myself from the starting point of fixing the bullshit and not doing it froma. Point of hiding and creating fear In myself as if there is smething wrong with me, but only doing it for what is best for myself. I'm commited to not relate past experiences therefor to what I'm doi now and here, and understand that I am fixing myself right now, and dwelling on the problem is the exact thing my ego wants to survive, and is what will keep me mind fucking myself. I'm commited to self write as a point of meaning and understanding myself, and do it for me as a way of fixing me, and not to create sme point of having to gain acknowledgment from others. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor compare myself to other within my writing, and to continue the fear of losing within my writing, not realizing that it is the pattern of excuses of my own bullshit to create voids by blaming others or placing the, as my pattern. I am commited to not fuck with myself, and not keep telling myself that I'm a failure,NAND that I can't do it,NAND actually stand within myself and correct the problem from the point of looking at the solution. I'm commited to therefor not self write to please others, or to do it to gain some type of acknowledgment from who ever sees my writing, and actually correct myself when I find myself trying to gain gain acknowledgment from my relationships to others. I'm commited to correct myself when I enter a pattern, and t not try to make excuses for it to continue, but to understand that it is a non existent pattern, and I must stand for myself and correct myself within that moment that the pattern happens, and to not fear failing, or the usual thought that comes up, and understand that it is just a thought, and that it is not me, and I am here, and therefor I have the ability to stand up and correct myself, which does not consist of dwelling in myself with failing, or rushing. I'm commited to no longer rush myself when I'm writing from the point of telling myself that there is someone wrong with what I, writting, and I must write more because there's something wrong with me, not undergo standing that writing is simply correcting the current reactions, and should not be compounded even further through just purposefully creating more reactions. I'm commited to therefor not procrastinate the reactions that happen within me, and actually self correct myself within those reactions, and not make excuses which but only creates more openings of reactions under the foundation of 'there is something wrong with me' I'm commited to stand, and to correct myself when I 'fail'/fall, and correct myself to keep standing t do what is best for myself as life, and to rid my ego and free myself frm the completely false characters that I've accepted and allowed myself t build as my ego.