Day 12 - fear triggered, panic, justification

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to generate fear and panic.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create this fear and panic from the starting point of playing guitar outside wi the amp, and worrying if others will hear me play.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create panic due to this time pushing myself through not playing n the hope that others will hear me play, which when I started to play I began enjoying myself, but then of course I triggered a thought when I heard a branch crack or hat ever it was, and immediately assumed it was a person, and then I started playing the songs with the imagery hoping that others would be listening to me while I was playing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accumulate this panic when playing guitar in front of other, due to me self confronting myself this time, not seeing and realizing that it is simply another dimension that I must correct.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create justifications of self interest to not correct myself, to protect myself from actually riding the pattern of fear in itself.

I forgive myself that I keep going back to the point of mediation. Is like such a fucking intense point that tries to impede me supporting myself. Like simply a thought, that has nothing to do with me breathing, or connecting with myself, knowing myself for who I really am, but instead I create this point of immediately assuming that meditation and not doing anything and just shutting off my thoughts is what will support myself, when I can't even support myself while I'm playing guitar. How am I really taking care of myself through having to DEPEND on a quite room with no distractions and just sit there and shut off my mind. What happens when the same reactions continue occurring over and over and over the exact same way..

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor depend on outside forces, on what philosophers and gurus talked about, not seeing realizing, that I already have myself. These thoughts that keep coming up in me is telling me that I need to depend on some form of energy and being to be stable, not seeing and understanding that I'm already living, why can't I be SELF HONEST with this, like this opposite of what this world has been. This world has been nothing but people deceiving and abusing eachother, all frm what, apdis honesty, lies which manifest from being dishonest with who we are, that we are living, that we are therefor equal with life, its that fucking simple, and all I want to convince myself with, is fucking meditation, I mean am I fucking serious. I haven't been able to have any integrity mp throughout my life, and I've only but allowed myself to be dogged on by people, to be fucking gulable to everyone, and never focus on myself, and never be self sufficient, just like the meditation, its alan watts in my head saying, oh no don't 'confront' yourself, because that's ego, when actually it is being self honest with myself with words, that's like saying to myself, I have no rights to my breath, to my words, and therefor I am not allowed to be self honest, to self direct myself, but instead, I must depend on meditation from the point of fear, to not self direct, but go sit and do nothing about what has been happening in this world, and therefor only allow myself to be apgulable to more bullshit stories.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take my self forgiveness breath by breath, but instead expect the reactions. I'm commited to as of now breath and stop worrying about whether meditation is valid or not, and discover what is practical..

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself for having depended on others to tell me what's valid, and get deceived from those who gave false presentations.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create confusion, like I did when I was a child, where I would be deceived, but I would get so confused because I knew that I should be participating in something which is best for all, but I just did what the others told me because. Didn't want to get punished, which punishment being founded by what's universally presented as the system, punish,ent and rewards, therefor Im creating all of the bullshit portions of what alan watts talked about, like accepting feelings, and opinions, and love and light, and therefor I'm recieving the exact same effect universally in comparison to him talking about meditating.

This requires me to investigate, I cannot depend anymore, and cannot rely on others anymore for what I do. If I'm going to ever support myself, I must self direct myself, but I've been a deceived otherwise that I'm accepting and allowing the intense fear of distrust in myself t take over me, and therefor when I am more stable and applying self forgiveness, I'm still doing it with a tent of having to depend in others to clarify what is wrong with me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not have trust in myself, and t fall helpless when I realize that it requires self directing myself in order to stabilize myself within my breath.

I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to create the dependency of feeling better after self directing myself and when I post my blog, not understanding that I'm not actually knowing what breathing means, but instead creating a barrier towards myself, its like there's a man on top of the barrier who keeps telling me to stop climbing or ill fall, and so of course I know I need to climb it to stop being improvised, but its relieving knowing I won't fall if I dare to climb it.

I forgives self that I've accepted and allowed myself to not understand that I'm my own master. I'm living, therefor I express as life, and me, this life form, can express words, and therefor I can express words to represent myself as life, because I'm already life, and I must therefor self master myself as life, and not keep making excuses to keep being enslaved to others, to keep being deceived.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest for me, but to be self honest for others. I, still depending, m still creating the stress for myself, the patterns, and therefor I inevitably going to create the excuse to just escape and meditate/ go into the universal spectrum which consists of love and light/ fear, which is the very thing that is enslaving me, and will by all means make excuses to tell me not to self direct myself, and not live as life, and express myself as life, but to manifest under the starting point of fear, bullshit manipulative deceptive fear thoughts gong through my head directing me to fuck myself up and others, just like those throughout my spchild hood.

I'm commited to gain ohysical confidence of myself, to not give into dependency, to not give into manipulative bullshit thoughts that only but keep me staring at the barrier, and never mastering myself and pushing myself to 'over'come, to get over myself, to fucking stop trapping myself, to shut the fuck up when I'm trying to define myself from fears, and just stop and breath.

I'm commited to therefor stop judging myself in situations of expression, to stop judgment from deceptive thoughts, and create helplessness in myself.

I'm commited to not depend on energy anymore, to not be driven by energy, and to not justify it with self interest and supression, and to not hide when I'm overwhelmed after accumulating a much of it.

I'm commited to self master myself for real, and to stop fucking justifying all of my relationships that I've accepted and allowed universally, and to take self responsibility when and as I participate in the mind, and just breath, com pe back here, and know who I am, I am, my own master, or I can depend in disaster.

I am commited to take self responsibility physically, to d it because it is me doing it, and not doing it to fulfill energy, not do it because it might get me an award, but to do it because it is me expressing myself as life for what is best for myself as life, and therefor what is best for all.

I'm commited to continue writing,  continue my process to discover myself, and to in fact self master myself.