Day 12 - fearing being made fun of, embarrassment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being made fun of, or getting into situations that I would percieve as embarrsing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed to express myself in the first place.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not realize that this embarrassment is simply something triggering from when I had been made fun of, or the jestures, or expression I was presenting was looked at as inferior by others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into patterns of wanting to hide or find some other form of superiority to supress what I feel embarrassed to do.

I forgive myself that I've had this sort of e areas,ent with writing, where I fear myself failing because my expression isn't good enough, or I fucked up and it somehow got noticed by something, when really it is just me building the characters that I have in my memory, and simply relating those jestures and attitudes towards my expression.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor fear others attacking my expression, or making fun of it, where I will be open to others, and not realizing that this is simply relating the memories of being attacked, or made fun of in the past, and then relating it to what ever situation I happen to get involved with.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify this fear pattern by telling myself' its ok if I procrastinate expression, and hide and find something to make me feel better' instead of expressing death and self correcting myself. In the moment, which does not consist of characters, but simply me expressing, and self guiding myself back to me as life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to then go into 'ok cool now I'm getting better at expressing' from the starting point of fearing being attacked somehow or made fun of towards my expression in the first place, which all happens through just me relating that scenario in my ind and becoming fearful.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take this embarrassment out on others in my mind, and then feel guilty for immediately doing it in that moment, or will become more touchy with my cat and excessively play with him.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have this fear within playing music, where I will become paranoid before playing in front of others, and the immediately I have to create myself as some superior image to protect myself from the intimidation.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel embaresed to play sports, which was when I was attacked and made fun ofthe most, where I was made fun of for how I ran, for not doing well in much sports.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have put myself down all of my life for the potential I had to take care of myself, due to starting everything with trying to please the people around me.

I'm commited to walk outside, or learn how t jog outside and excersise and listen to music when I find myself accumulating these fears, and gathering up my breath before I write, to assure myself that I'm experiencing now, here, and there is no punishment, or no attack to me, and never essentially was, but. Accepted and allowed myself to layer fears that others have participated in as well, and got so dogged on and manipulated that I tried to survive in it so much that I failed, and created confusion frm this, simply due to me trying to survive under the intense patterns that are within my mind.

I'm commited to not dog n myself when. Expressing myself, to know itching is wrong wi me, that I'm living, and its that simple, and to not dog on myself when I'm writing, and thus not try to decieve myself not to write when I experience this fear, and to understand that it is knowing myself as life, as an expression through speaking through self honesty towards myself, that it is honest that I'm self -true that I'm life.