When and as I see myself in the point of being able to stand up within a relationship, which within this this relationship having created a void towards he other being, or thing, I stop, I breath, and I understand that the feeling won't get me anywhere within an actual relationship, and thus within this I commit myself to always let go, at least eventually and effectively where I take space from the relationship for a moment, or I push through the point within and as bringing it back to myself alone here, and within this practically walking through the relationship, letting go of emotions, and creating a practical new foundation within what has simply been corrupted within myself.
When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to accumulate points within myself where I will start struggling for the point to exist within myself through intensifying conflict within myself towards others, I stop, I breath, and I understand that I have a point to face within myself, and actually walk myself through redirecting myself apart from conflicts, from emotional turmoil within writing in my back chat journal, and I deconstruct the point back to where I was able to face the current point within myself, and thus within this, I commit myself to understand that the points I accumulate wi others within conflict, is merely my own reflection of wanting to not face my own points, and to not see where I've accepted and allowed myself to abuse and be abused in the past, which has nothing to do with anyone but my own patron which ha remained within myself.
I commit myself to walk through each point freely as and for myself, meaning that I will take each point as myself, as what's here as myself, and thus within this, stopping this void of self sabotaging myself, using the people in my environment to not practically take self responsibility for points that I simply did not take the time to focus on.
When and as I see myself suppressing negativity within myself through exploiting relationships through fantasies and through adding this show and experience in my mind to the relationship that is in my world, I stop, I breath, and I come back here to where I'm at in the present, and start breathing back to the point of working with what's here. Within this I commit myself to work and continue practicing self forgiveness statements to physically work to the point of understanding how remaining introspective, and thus to remain in enjoyment and satisfaction as myself here, is to only work with what's here, and that otherwise I'm merely suppressing points of relationships through fantasies and happiness, which thus needs to continue being practically utilized overtime through walking here only as self remaining as the foundation of change within my world, and thus this world for what is best for my life, and therefor all life.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Day 94 - Wanting to masturbate to verify entertainment, pictures, postponing self responsibility through entertainment, self interest
Wanting to masturbate to verify entertainment, pictures, postponing self responsibility through entertainment, self interest:
So I've been through a semi point again within entertainment, it isn't as heavy tonight after work it seems, but of course I did have an easier night at work, so I won't judge this or catagorizee as if it's better or still the same extent I have been doing recently.Now what happens when I do decide to write, or I do decide that I'm going to stand within my points, is that I will start taking self responsibility like getting ready for bed, but then I create this idea that there's something I need to experience before I go to sleep, and what long lasting distraction experience than to go on the internet. Now eventually when I tell myself I need to stop, like I literally turn everything off, or I'm about to, I then get the sensation to masturbate, which is like my mind saying 'oh no, no more internet, we'll now I need something else to please me', and it seems that even if I don't do it necessarily that night, we'll. the next night if I don't breath and really start directing myself here, and come home and eventually hit up the internet, we'll, it'll only show up more sudden and more intense, and if not then until the next night, and eventually until I have accepted and allowed misdirection to the point of just saying fuck it and watching porn or playing one in my head and getting a quick fix, and then I decide that since I got my fix, I will walk again.
So, I fear losing something that protects me from facing fears, from facing insecurities, from facing demons, from facing self interest that needs to stop, and I've tried driving myself as self interest within process, and have unlocked so much of this relationship with process, that it's quite exposed, and I've accepted and allowed myself to try to protect it through apathy, throuh just wanting my mind to dictate, to not direct myself, to not physically move within anything, and eventually when shits in front of me that I know I can change then, I just go and masturbate.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to go masturbate to try verifying my self interest patterns that I've acted upon for an extensive time, and in multiple personalities of these self interests.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear losing these personalities as to fear losing my way of remaining stable around my environment, and simply to feel comfortable, to want the illusion of myself to remain.I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not will myself to stand up for life in these moments where I can change, but instead verify my self definition of myself through masturbation, and through the accumulated distractions that time loop these self definitions.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus pretend to act like what I'm doing is normal, and that I've been normal/life, not seeing realizing and understanding, that I'm merely creating characters of normal within myself to justify the abnormal acts and intent within myself, and that it isn't normal to force feed myself YouTube videos and any link I can use to distract myself from actually living and breathing for a change, and thus changing myself within and as life.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow feelings of negative determine where I will next direct myself, which is to the positive, to the computer when I build up negative backchat at work, or where I will play my guitar to suppress negative back chat that I'm not a good enough guitar player, or just to distract myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to ultimately use masturbation as this gadget of the conscious mind technology system, and like a consumer I'm playing with myself, I'm fucking with myself by fucking buying out life with shit I don't need/don't need to be handeling with, like, I don't need to be handeling with my dick just because I couldn't decide to have some fucking courage to just step out of my comfort zone to actually make this world a place that can be in fact comfortable and welcoming for everyone equally.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus fear of losing what is comfortable: people, sex, games, internet, music, movies, bed, food, not seeing realizing and understanding, that I'm I fact deliberately harming others in this world just so I can have a secrete place to hide all of my shit to feel better than those I'm deliberately harming through indirect care and work to assure that everyone on this planet is comfortably taken care of.
When and and as I see myself wanting to verify such personality points within myself within this accumulation of trying to protect myself from facing a point within myself deliberately and knowingly, I stop I breath, and I drop the distractions, I drop thes pushing in front of me, I literally stop and breath in 4 counts, until I'm here to write, and I write the point out where and why I had fallen, or can really push through spoken statements to myself when like at work.
When and as I see myself creating excuses and justifications that what I'm doing in my mind 'is making me happy' ' is normal because this character and that character would say it is normal', I stop, I breath, and I understand to ground myself here as myself as life,and then really see the abuse and abnormal manifestations that I'm accepting and allowing within myself through distractions and through compulsion.
When and as I see myself wanting to go create distractions through consumerism, through games and music and movies and internet, I stop, I breath, and ifunderstand the foundation of who I am through working with what is here, and actually walk myself in and as breath and self responsibility to in fact value what's here, and not create a void of buying out something and pretending its value merely to suppress my lack of willingness to put forth effort of real value and real effectiveness in this world.
I comit myself to breath through these conmfirt points of isolation, and to start walking through these escapists, understanding within each word I write, each breath I take as assistance, that it is for this world and for me as this world, and that escaping me/this world, is only escaping what I have created, abuse, starvation, trauma of the earth, and it's beings, and that I require working to fix it, to expose myself to help myself become adequate to fix it without accepting harm any longer,a nod apathy that there's children that suffer far beyond my bullshit, and that people starve and die daily, and extremities happening daily, and people being traumatized by them, or traumatized while dieing to these manifested points of humans nature, and animals as well.
I commit myself to let go of these points within myself, and to start moving.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Day 93 - redefining myself to remaining introspective, part 2 - self forgiveness statements
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow openings within my being, where I self abdicate self responsibility, meaning that I will use points within my world where I know that I require continueing taking self responsibility, or should start taking more self responsibility, but instead within these moments of being able to stand up, I instead fall for feeling and would rather for a moment make my own acceptances and allowances of lifelessness prevail.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not realize that within these moments, I allowed my mind to decide where I require directing myself, and thus within this not having remained introspective in fact, and not having thus breathed through the point that might have been difficult or painful for a moment, but instead accepted and allowed myself to trust a feeling that clearly even within these moments, knowing they will only last for that moment. In this I thus forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that feelings are nothing but me creating a void of depending on someone/something outside of myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow such points of voids define me in and as my expression throughout my day, and thus where I will accept and allow myself to remain inconsiderate, and thus play games with other beings as to keep myself protected within my own inconsideration being exposed, just to fulfill self interests to kee myself fucked in these separations.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not breath consistently within moments of incosiderate patterns within myself, as to assur I remain within that stance of being introspective, and always making it possible to change yself within that relationship I participated in within my mind before, and thus always remaining vigilant so to speak t always change these relationships within each moment I find a relationship that needs changing.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to protect my relationships in and as the mind, through constantly playing back chat in my mind towards every given event,where it plays out another person or thing outside of myself that can be there where I pretend and thus define myself to these people, to these this within my mind, to self abdicate remaining introspective and in and as breathing.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create fantasies fr myself in relationship to my world, as to abdicate actually taking self responsibility for my world as myself, and thus creating alternate experiences as to gain a satisfaction that merely measures up to my fears I've accepted and allowed to relate to my world. Within this I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to realize, that the moment I add some fantasy feeling attached to a relationship within my word, that I am implying that I only want to take, and steal from that co dependence to full - fill a fear, and then fight and work at that and sort of massage that memory and fantasy and back chat, like loosening it up for toxic fluid to fill in the air it originally should be, and thus within this, only trying to self abdicate points within myself that should be directed fully within myself, but n stead creating these fantasies as voids, and thus manipulating the real relationship to fill in for the void, and causing tension and limitation within myself.
Self corrective statements tofollowin prt 3..
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not realize that within these moments, I allowed my mind to decide where I require directing myself, and thus within this not having remained introspective in fact, and not having thus breathed through the point that might have been difficult or painful for a moment, but instead accepted and allowed myself to trust a feeling that clearly even within these moments, knowing they will only last for that moment. In this I thus forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that feelings are nothing but me creating a void of depending on someone/something outside of myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow such points of voids define me in and as my expression throughout my day, and thus where I will accept and allow myself to remain inconsiderate, and thus play games with other beings as to keep myself protected within my own inconsideration being exposed, just to fulfill self interests to kee myself fucked in these separations.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not breath consistently within moments of incosiderate patterns within myself, as to assur I remain within that stance of being introspective, and always making it possible to change yself within that relationship I participated in within my mind before, and thus always remaining vigilant so to speak t always change these relationships within each moment I find a relationship that needs changing.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to protect my relationships in and as the mind, through constantly playing back chat in my mind towards every given event,where it plays out another person or thing outside of myself that can be there where I pretend and thus define myself to these people, to these this within my mind, to self abdicate remaining introspective and in and as breathing.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create fantasies fr myself in relationship to my world, as to abdicate actually taking self responsibility for my world as myself, and thus creating alternate experiences as to gain a satisfaction that merely measures up to my fears I've accepted and allowed to relate to my world. Within this I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to realize, that the moment I add some fantasy feeling attached to a relationship within my word, that I am implying that I only want to take, and steal from that co dependence to full - fill a fear, and then fight and work at that and sort of massage that memory and fantasy and back chat, like loosening it up for toxic fluid to fill in the air it originally should be, and thus within this, only trying to self abdicate points within myself that should be directed fully within myself, but n stead creating these fantasies as voids, and thus manipulating the real relationship to fill in for the void, and causing tension and limitation within myself.
Self corrective statements tofollowin prt 3..
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Day 92 - redefining myself to remaining introspective/utilizing line abdication of self responsibility through voids - part 1
So within this I will be utilizing that point of abdicating self responsibility, and how I can deconstruct this point to self investigate what it REALy means to take self responsibility, within the aspect of becoming introspective. I will thus create this as a building block to the relationship within my writing, within my breathing, within how I take action, and within how I walk through points, and where I abdicate certain areas of self responsibility.
O it seems most of my life I have participated in self abdication within basically all relationships, wi music, with my communication with other beings, with how I direct myself in my own well being. This has tended to cause allot of destructive directions, and thus my relationships mostly have always been abdication a of myself, and I would create participations within created patrons out if self abdication, and then get myself stuck in places that I knew I needed to get out of, but of course the love and light was shining and all that mattered to me was t get that dose to suppress my own creation, and therefor only manifest potentially more destruction for not only myself but others as well.
I've always had this cognitive dissonance that the way I expressed myself was always limited by creating this void through the cooperators within the relationship, and thus the relationship instead of being cooperative, always became co dependent. Within this I would thus understand that I was being abused, but that's as far as I had seen it, and then I would simply blame the other person, or attach myself to the positive aspect of the person, and just keep going on this cycle of up and down to survive within my own self abdication.
Music: I have found within investigating this point, that I've always exploited musical expression, for my own self interest of suppressing my insecurities, and my fear of really equally expressing myself as life, and thus I've always had a difficult time playing wi other musicians without judgements, and reflecting those points towards others, and thus - self abdication.
Friends: I've always created the male friends as this point where I could receive a fulfillment of being acknowledged for this pureness I wanted, and thus acted as pretentious as possible untill I ran out of energy and became only inconsiderate, since after all I was not self abdicating in fact caring for another as a 'friend', and thus accepted and allowed submission to those points I merely created voids for.
Family: I've only but had this isolation point where I resent the family members that I've had conflict with, and prevent myself from expressing myself as life in relation to not only them, but members I haven't had relationships to much, and thus I've only sabotaged relationships and potential relationships with 'family' that could be very supportive, but instead self abdicated through blame, through fear of changing, through fear of not submitting, and keeping my own little ego mind bubble protected for my own self interest.
So the general premise of this self investigation is to transcend this point of self abdication, to becoming introspective within all aspects of reactions, and thus within misdirective relationships, and thus actually building principle within myself to take self responsibility for my preprogrammed relationships, and therefor when and as I face misdirection relationships that I've defined myself in and as.
Self forgiveness to follow in part 2...
O it seems most of my life I have participated in self abdication within basically all relationships, wi music, with my communication with other beings, with how I direct myself in my own well being. This has tended to cause allot of destructive directions, and thus my relationships mostly have always been abdication a of myself, and I would create participations within created patrons out if self abdication, and then get myself stuck in places that I knew I needed to get out of, but of course the love and light was shining and all that mattered to me was t get that dose to suppress my own creation, and therefor only manifest potentially more destruction for not only myself but others as well.
I've always had this cognitive dissonance that the way I expressed myself was always limited by creating this void through the cooperators within the relationship, and thus the relationship instead of being cooperative, always became co dependent. Within this I would thus understand that I was being abused, but that's as far as I had seen it, and then I would simply blame the other person, or attach myself to the positive aspect of the person, and just keep going on this cycle of up and down to survive within my own self abdication.
Music: I have found within investigating this point, that I've always exploited musical expression, for my own self interest of suppressing my insecurities, and my fear of really equally expressing myself as life, and thus I've always had a difficult time playing wi other musicians without judgements, and reflecting those points towards others, and thus - self abdication.
Friends: I've always created the male friends as this point where I could receive a fulfillment of being acknowledged for this pureness I wanted, and thus acted as pretentious as possible untill I ran out of energy and became only inconsiderate, since after all I was not self abdicating in fact caring for another as a 'friend', and thus accepted and allowed submission to those points I merely created voids for.
Family: I've only but had this isolation point where I resent the family members that I've had conflict with, and prevent myself from expressing myself as life in relation to not only them, but members I haven't had relationships to much, and thus I've only sabotaged relationships and potential relationships with 'family' that could be very supportive, but instead self abdicated through blame, through fear of changing, through fear of not submitting, and keeping my own little ego mind bubble protected for my own self interest.
So the general premise of this self investigation is to transcend this point of self abdication, to becoming introspective within all aspects of reactions, and thus within misdirective relationships, and thus actually building principle within myself to take self responsibility for my preprogrammed relationships, and therefor when and as I face misdirection relationships that I've defined myself in and as.
Self forgiveness to follow in part 2...
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Day 91- blame resent and anger, self corrective statements
When and s I see myself reacting to what I suddenly happen to percieve within a moment, that I'm being attack essentially in some aspect within a person, verbally or non verbally, I sto, I breath, and within this I focus primarily on myself, and primarily on schedule, on work, on music, on writing, etc., and within ip this practically diverting myself from accumulation within my co existence to the other, until I have utilize enough of myself to practically communicate with the other person. Within this I commit myself to thus relate my communication if I find myself n the middle of reacting, to the task at hand, and breathing through manifestations of potential reactions, and not judging myself within such reactions.
I commit myself to take the point of memories consciously creating the energy point, as to deconstruct the memory within introspect. Within this, when and as I see myself allowing a point of back chat and conflict within myself accumulate within the point of memories of conflict, I stop, I breath, and I release the point through my back chat diary, and the memories that already make up the points of why I react within and as myself.
I commit myself to continue walking through my backchat diary, and through my writings to deconstruct the points of feeling that I use as voids through others, and within this building the point of remaining introspective within all forms of reactions and intensities of reactions. When and as I see a difficult reaction occurring within and as myself, I stop, I breath, and then I stop participating n relationship to the other person, by guiding myself within the physical whether its merely breathing, or writing myself out within the point of reaction, or being patient within myself, and instead of judging myself, understanding that I will practically remain stable as possible untill Im alone to write the point out.
When and as I see myself within a state of having accumulated to a point of attacking the other person n my mind out of anger and out of emotional build up within this point of resent, I then immediately stop, I walk to an isolated area for a moment, breath, let go of the point to where I WILL work n stabilizing self to a healthy extent for my environment, and en I practically forgive the point then or write the point out.
I commit myself to redefine my relationship within my process and relationship to non destonians, from the starting point of being introspective, and thus within this, allowing myself to In fact handle these points from bringing it back to self. Within this as commit myself to redefine myself within the context of introspection, and expression being her within my next blog.
When and as I see myself wanting to throw someone or want to destroy my environment physically to release anger, I stop, I breath, and I immediately isolate myself, or keep a ciggerette on me to support my body stress, and within this allowing myself to come back to a rational point within my environment to then come back to ip being introspective and stabilizing myself within words.
I commit myself to take the point of memories consciously creating the energy point, as to deconstruct the memory within introspect. Within this, when and as I see myself allowing a point of back chat and conflict within myself accumulate within the point of memories of conflict, I stop, I breath, and I release the point through my back chat diary, and the memories that already make up the points of why I react within and as myself.
I commit myself to continue walking through my backchat diary, and through my writings to deconstruct the points of feeling that I use as voids through others, and within this building the point of remaining introspective within all forms of reactions and intensities of reactions. When and as I see a difficult reaction occurring within and as myself, I stop, I breath, and then I stop participating n relationship to the other person, by guiding myself within the physical whether its merely breathing, or writing myself out within the point of reaction, or being patient within myself, and instead of judging myself, understanding that I will practically remain stable as possible untill Im alone to write the point out.
When and as I see myself within a state of having accumulated to a point of attacking the other person n my mind out of anger and out of emotional build up within this point of resent, I then immediately stop, I walk to an isolated area for a moment, breath, let go of the point to where I WILL work n stabilizing self to a healthy extent for my environment, and en I practically forgive the point then or write the point out.
I commit myself to redefine my relationship within my process and relationship to non destonians, from the starting point of being introspective, and thus within this, allowing myself to In fact handle these points from bringing it back to self. Within this as commit myself to redefine myself within the context of introspection, and expression being her within my next blog.
When and as I see myself wanting to throw someone or want to destroy my environment physically to release anger, I stop, I breath, and I immediately isolate myself, or keep a ciggerette on me to support my body stress, and within this allowing myself to come back to a rational point within my environment to then come back to ip being introspective and stabilizing myself within words.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Day 90 - blame, self corrective statements
When and as I see myself accumulating back chat to the pattern that results in wanting to make a statement in regards to 'what's right' in relationship to 'what they are doing wrong', or when creating such back chat in the first place, I stop, I breath, and I deconstruct that point of back chat in relationship to the person I Berber and then judged, within self forgiveness self corrective statements. Within this first understanding that I am breathing, that I am here in and as breath, and not allowing emotions to be only accumulated within my mind, or where I try to use the emotions to state self forgiveness, but really pushing myself to breath within the context of actually deconstructing the point practically.
I commit myself within the commitment of bringing it back to self, that I limit my communication with others, and that I work on creating the starting point of how I communicate with others, nder the principle of what is best for all life, and us start with relating my physical participation, and what's here to communication, and keeping it meaningful, and not go into useless conversation that's merely preoccupying myself from taking self responsibility.
When and as I see myself using points I've walked through, or think I've walked through as this form of arsenal n my mind to defend myself as self righteous when in back chat against others, I stop immediately, I breath, and I let go of the points I'm exploiting and covering myself up with, and within this I commit myself to walk through this dimension of self righteousness, to understand that regardless of what doesn't of does exist within me, that I have no excuse to make rom for abuse within myself, and that In order to thus build principle to be introspective and bring it back to myself, that I cannot let any loose ends win myself which would protect myself from self responsibility for dishonest points, and thus openings to manipulate and deceive myself and others that Im smething else, a fake face.
I forgive mysef that I've not accepted and allowed myself to realize, that any time I settle even just within the pont of laziness from taking self responsibility for my shit, that I inevitably am making the statement within such implication of irresponsibility, that I am willing to attac life, and that I will continue to make fake faces, and will continue to be spiteful and disregard life and myself as walki through this process one and equal with life.
I commit myself to thus redefine myself here as walking this process one and equal with life, and that I commit myself to walk through all points of loose ends which I've accepted and allowed such voids and blame and animosity towards others to protect myself within only my self interest. Thus within this, when and as I see myself in such position of wanting to remain settled in the position of protecting myself or being self righteous instead of walking through the point equal in breath, I stop, I breath and I walk through the point within what ever means to bring that point back to self, and us within this I commit myself to challenge myself to really breath when in such a point of rush, and to really focus on bringing each individual point back to myself, where I can actually stand within moments where I can direct the points within myself in all places, and not hen too much dependability on having to resort in writing because I accepted such points within myself to accumulate within the voids and excuses.
Self corrective statements to continue in part 4..
I commit myself within the commitment of bringing it back to self, that I limit my communication with others, and that I work on creating the starting point of how I communicate with others, nder the principle of what is best for all life, and us start with relating my physical participation, and what's here to communication, and keeping it meaningful, and not go into useless conversation that's merely preoccupying myself from taking self responsibility.
When and as I see myself using points I've walked through, or think I've walked through as this form of arsenal n my mind to defend myself as self righteous when in back chat against others, I stop immediately, I breath, and I let go of the points I'm exploiting and covering myself up with, and within this I commit myself to walk through this dimension of self righteousness, to understand that regardless of what doesn't of does exist within me, that I have no excuse to make rom for abuse within myself, and that In order to thus build principle to be introspective and bring it back to myself, that I cannot let any loose ends win myself which would protect myself from self responsibility for dishonest points, and thus openings to manipulate and deceive myself and others that Im smething else, a fake face.
I forgive mysef that I've not accepted and allowed myself to realize, that any time I settle even just within the pont of laziness from taking self responsibility for my shit, that I inevitably am making the statement within such implication of irresponsibility, that I am willing to attac life, and that I will continue to make fake faces, and will continue to be spiteful and disregard life and myself as walki through this process one and equal with life.
I commit myself to thus redefine myself here as walking this process one and equal with life, and that I commit myself to walk through all points of loose ends which I've accepted and allowed such voids and blame and animosity towards others to protect myself within only my self interest. Thus within this, when and as I see myself in such position of wanting to remain settled in the position of protecting myself or being self righteous instead of walking through the point equal in breath, I stop, I breath and I walk through the point within what ever means to bring that point back to self, and us within this I commit myself to challenge myself to really breath when in such a point of rush, and to really focus on bringing each individual point back to myself, where I can actually stand within moments where I can direct the points within myself in all places, and not hen too much dependability on having to resort in writing because I accepted such points within myself to accumulate within the voids and excuses.
Self corrective statements to continue in part 4..
Day 90 - blame, and creating anger and resent towards others- part 2
as point that seems to be touchy within myself, is that when I face a point of an individual who I fear is judging me, or where I think they are deliberately attacking me in their minds, then start to go into this state of (if I don't really focus on myself and breath) resent and irritation, which combines into anger, which requires much bringing it back to self with allot of sowing down and breathing when at my restaurant job which in itself can be quite a spiteful place, and thus I start rushing myself in all indoor emotions after having accepted and allowed myself to accumulate this point of void and blame towards my co workers, and taking advantage of them, into becoming resentful and angry.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into reaction when someone talks to me at my work, or anyone in this sense within myself where I think that they are deliberately attacking me, or are upset at me - regardless if they are or not.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame others for the reaction within myself, and where I will go into back chat and where I start dwelling over memories with parents or school or siblings where I would receive this attack, or where I was called stupid, or maybe some remark from my father.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus have accepted and allowed myself to let these self judgements within myself, settle to such an extent, that after having accumulated these memories, I begin to start to have an extent of mind demons where I start attacking the other person or people in my mind.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to then go into a point of becoming separated from my work, or from whatever I was doing before, or working with or supporting myself wi before, and then go into blame that they are the reason why I can't remain here as breath, and that I need to just keep blaming them and resenting them.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus go into a state of confusion within myself, where I am trying to defend myself simultaneously within the definition I have created of myself as more pure than the others, because "Im apart of desteni" "I do self forgiveness and they don't". Within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to self sabotage myself up t this point, from the perspective that I must be a big asshole because 'I just can't change' this intent of competition within my mind', instead of slowing myself down and letting go of the confusion, and simply trusting myself, and thus only tryi to protect myself within the idea that because I'm superior and apart of desteni, that thus my breathing and participating within breathing is superior, and thus not allowing myself to actually breath.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into this point of anger and irritation towards others and my environment, where I will thus slowly start building up this accumulation of resent and self sabotage, to the point where I will start becoming aggressive, or if I don't slow myself down and give myself a break, even o not yelling or cussing or hitting something, or start becoming frustrated with my work place where I will release anger by throwing equipment around, or like dishes or pans.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not release this point primarily within myself when facing this point, or taking consideration of this rage point in how It relates to myself even when Im calm. Within this, I commit myself to thus direct myself within this pattern of anger and irritation within myself, and deconstruct this point primarily within my back chat diary, or in any other relationship in regards to this point of anger.
Self corrective statements to follow in part 3...
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into reaction when someone talks to me at my work, or anyone in this sense within myself where I think that they are deliberately attacking me, or are upset at me - regardless if they are or not.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame others for the reaction within myself, and where I will go into back chat and where I start dwelling over memories with parents or school or siblings where I would receive this attack, or where I was called stupid, or maybe some remark from my father.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus have accepted and allowed myself to let these self judgements within myself, settle to such an extent, that after having accumulated these memories, I begin to start to have an extent of mind demons where I start attacking the other person or people in my mind.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to then go into a point of becoming separated from my work, or from whatever I was doing before, or working with or supporting myself wi before, and then go into blame that they are the reason why I can't remain here as breath, and that I need to just keep blaming them and resenting them.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus go into a state of confusion within myself, where I am trying to defend myself simultaneously within the definition I have created of myself as more pure than the others, because "Im apart of desteni" "I do self forgiveness and they don't". Within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to self sabotage myself up t this point, from the perspective that I must be a big asshole because 'I just can't change' this intent of competition within my mind', instead of slowing myself down and letting go of the confusion, and simply trusting myself, and thus only tryi to protect myself within the idea that because I'm superior and apart of desteni, that thus my breathing and participating within breathing is superior, and thus not allowing myself to actually breath.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into this point of anger and irritation towards others and my environment, where I will thus slowly start building up this accumulation of resent and self sabotage, to the point where I will start becoming aggressive, or if I don't slow myself down and give myself a break, even o not yelling or cussing or hitting something, or start becoming frustrated with my work place where I will release anger by throwing equipment around, or like dishes or pans.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not release this point primarily within myself when facing this point, or taking consideration of this rage point in how It relates to myself even when Im calm. Within this, I commit myself to thus direct myself within this pattern of anger and irritation within myself, and deconstruct this point primarily within my back chat diary, or in any other relationship in regards to this point of anger.
Self corrective statements to follow in part 3...
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Day 89 - blame, and wanting to take advantage of others part 1
So I will experience myself in relationship to others within my back chat within the point of blaming them for shit that I see those individuals do. I then will eventually want to take advantage of these people through having made myself in my mind better than them, or more 'pure' than them, and then use what I had created them as 'bad', and then create this desire of this relationship where I will want to help them, of course in relationship to the back chat build up where I had blamed them, and place myself on this pedal stool against them. Within this I am thus only intending on taking advantage of these people, and where they will listen to me, or where I want to basically place myself in some helping position or teacher position, where I can therefor use them under the control of what I fear within myself being exposed.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to take advantage of specific people I communicate with, or have had relationships with in my mind, and thus use this back chat system I've created towards them, as to use them under my own self interest, in relationship to my process, and where I try to exploit the information and process I've walked through within myself to control others.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus deliberately compromise others process through compromising my own process, and thus creating this void from myself, and only doing what is best for my own self interest, and protecting my own self interest within my points.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse tht because I've walked so much or what ever aspect of my points, that I can just go out and speak out knowledge to others, not seeing and realizing that Im merely exploiting others and my own expression within what is best for all life, to in fact cover up my shit that I accepted and allowed to create a formation within my mind to not have stood u in the moments where had fallen and not corrected the fall, but instead tried to protect myself within the fall, and thus settle for the abuse I've caused, and potentially caused.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to intend on manipulating others to see a fake face, where I thus have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate others, and to create a fake face within my posts on Facebook, or how I behave at work or at home, as to not walk through the points in real time where I had been faced with my actual nature, and instead of having breathed through and walked through that nature, and the actual intent I have towards others, having instead layered another dimension and compounded further personalities, and thus creating this point of manipulation and exploitation within my process and others process.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the justification when in these moments of facing myself, and the harsh nature of myself, that I can cause attacks and blame towards others because they are the problem, not seeing and realizing that I am merely accepted and allowing myself to be willing to abuse life in itself and terrorize life and attack life to not face my own inner evil, and allowing myself to fuck with life and to cause consequences in my environment within the very intent to actual receive an energetic positive feeling from causing that destruction in others, and allowing myself to actually settle for my shit, to settle for the abuse within myself
Further self forgiveness in part 2
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to take advantage of specific people I communicate with, or have had relationships with in my mind, and thus use this back chat system I've created towards them, as to use them under my own self interest, in relationship to my process, and where I try to exploit the information and process I've walked through within myself to control others.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus deliberately compromise others process through compromising my own process, and thus creating this void from myself, and only doing what is best for my own self interest, and protecting my own self interest within my points.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse tht because I've walked so much or what ever aspect of my points, that I can just go out and speak out knowledge to others, not seeing and realizing that Im merely exploiting others and my own expression within what is best for all life, to in fact cover up my shit that I accepted and allowed to create a formation within my mind to not have stood u in the moments where had fallen and not corrected the fall, but instead tried to protect myself within the fall, and thus settle for the abuse I've caused, and potentially caused.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to intend on manipulating others to see a fake face, where I thus have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate others, and to create a fake face within my posts on Facebook, or how I behave at work or at home, as to not walk through the points in real time where I had been faced with my actual nature, and instead of having breathed through and walked through that nature, and the actual intent I have towards others, having instead layered another dimension and compounded further personalities, and thus creating this point of manipulation and exploitation within my process and others process.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the justification when in these moments of facing myself, and the harsh nature of myself, that I can cause attacks and blame towards others because they are the problem, not seeing and realizing that I am merely accepted and allowing myself to be willing to abuse life in itself and terrorize life and attack life to not face my own inner evil, and allowing myself to fuck with life and to cause consequences in my environment within the very intent to actual receive an energetic positive feeling from causing that destruction in others, and allowing myself to actually settle for my shit, to settle for the abuse within myself
Further self forgiveness in part 2
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Day 88 - 21 day breathing self corrective statements part 3
When and as I see myself breathing, and generate the experience that I must somehow protect my breathing in fear of someone else impeding me from doing this, or as if I am allowing to remain submissive to a reaction by reacting to it within and as this protective mechanism of a position I've related to breathing, I stop, and I let go of the point within and as practically cross referencing with what is here as myself, and thus within this allowing myself to let go of this protective mechanism of this insecurity to breath when facing a reactin, or facing backchat. Thus within this, I commit mysef to practically resort to the tools I've given myself, and that I have learned, and direct myself within schedule, and always keep my schedule and backchat diary around to stabilize here points of insecurities, and investigate where I've constructed fear of losing stability within breathing in relationship to reactions.
I commit myself to thus direct myself in and as what's practically here, and not try to fix a reaction with emotions and thus only accumulate the point further, but to know that points will require breathing and stabilizing within, with time, because not all points are just going to disappear over not, and thus when and as I see myself trying to rush through a point to et rid of discomfort, instead of practically giving myself the practical ability to walk through the point slowly and surely with the tools, with the schedule, I then stop with 4 count breathing, where I breath in 4 counts, I stop 4 counts and I breath out, and within this not applying a notion or attachment to stability, but actually moving within stability, actually directing myself within the point here, and not in any form the mind, which only leads to back chat and misconception.
I commit myself to build patients, but equally discipline, through directing mysef slowly within each point, and by accepting and allowing myself to start adapting much more on point and movable within my schedule, to where I allow myself to simply stand up when I see a point of reaction, or an accumulative sense of deliberate comfort to suppress a point, and thus within this, understanding that it will take practice to get it, to get that I can simply stand up, or not, and that it is as simple as that, and that the tools will prove, and that self sabotaging, and fears and insecurities is a misdirection principle that doesn't work, and thus its time to start taking points slowly,n but seriously, and if there is something I see missing in direction, then coming back to breathing, and focusing n directly the point I'm utilizing here, and if I find the practical oppurtunity, then utilizing whatever else has seemed to be a loose end within myself, or whatever dishonesty I've accepted and allowed within myself, and to simply learn frm the mistake.
When and as I see myself facing points that show as more intense, or maybe unexpected, I continue breathing, and I simply start investigating myself wi the tools I've practically been working with already, and within this giving myself the willingness, and patients through essentials, which is breathing, which is being here, and building off of points that seem too big at sme times, but knowing that I can stand up frm that innevitable fall, and work with it, and learn from it.
I commit myself to redefine my relationship within my participation within this process. That I will fully endeavor to walk wi life equally, and redefine myself from the physical work required, and thus within this, stop resisting so much in reactions for the sake of my own self interest, and actually standing equally with myself, and us as a group, and not as trying to get to the finish line to win a fucking trophy, and thus within this giving myself in fact the physical direction as direction, and not as emotions and back chat to conclude something I haven't even allowed myself to walk thro, or walk to yet.
I commit myself to stand up in loose ends, and to be careful with how I perceive things and work wi things, and allowing myself the courage to fix aspects of myself that I didn't see completely as points of suppression. Within this I commit myself to thus work with breathing as much as possible within that awareness of taking it slowly, and thus working on not holding my breath or forgetting that I'm breathing more consistently.
I commit myself to walk through points here in the physical, by slowly stating self forgiveness and self corrective statements, and thus working on instead of dwelling on a point, building principle and willingness when I see something new, and require letting go and being stable and back to the here practical. Thus when and as I see myself losing myself, I stop, I breath, and. Practically confront the point and stand within equality within directive application, and knowing I have the tools to assist myself to whatever extent or aspect of myself that I accept and allow myself to struggle with.
I commit myself to thus direct myself in and as what's practically here, and not try to fix a reaction with emotions and thus only accumulate the point further, but to know that points will require breathing and stabilizing within, with time, because not all points are just going to disappear over not, and thus when and as I see myself trying to rush through a point to et rid of discomfort, instead of practically giving myself the practical ability to walk through the point slowly and surely with the tools, with the schedule, I then stop with 4 count breathing, where I breath in 4 counts, I stop 4 counts and I breath out, and within this not applying a notion or attachment to stability, but actually moving within stability, actually directing myself within the point here, and not in any form the mind, which only leads to back chat and misconception.
I commit myself to build patients, but equally discipline, through directing mysef slowly within each point, and by accepting and allowing myself to start adapting much more on point and movable within my schedule, to where I allow myself to simply stand up when I see a point of reaction, or an accumulative sense of deliberate comfort to suppress a point, and thus within this, understanding that it will take practice to get it, to get that I can simply stand up, or not, and that it is as simple as that, and that the tools will prove, and that self sabotaging, and fears and insecurities is a misdirection principle that doesn't work, and thus its time to start taking points slowly,n but seriously, and if there is something I see missing in direction, then coming back to breathing, and focusing n directly the point I'm utilizing here, and if I find the practical oppurtunity, then utilizing whatever else has seemed to be a loose end within myself, or whatever dishonesty I've accepted and allowed within myself, and to simply learn frm the mistake.
When and as I see myself facing points that show as more intense, or maybe unexpected, I continue breathing, and I simply start investigating myself wi the tools I've practically been working with already, and within this giving myself the willingness, and patients through essentials, which is breathing, which is being here, and building off of points that seem too big at sme times, but knowing that I can stand up frm that innevitable fall, and work with it, and learn from it.
I commit myself to redefine my relationship within my participation within this process. That I will fully endeavor to walk wi life equally, and redefine myself from the physical work required, and thus within this, stop resisting so much in reactions for the sake of my own self interest, and actually standing equally with myself, and us as a group, and not as trying to get to the finish line to win a fucking trophy, and thus within this giving myself in fact the physical direction as direction, and not as emotions and back chat to conclude something I haven't even allowed myself to walk thro, or walk to yet.
I commit myself to stand up in loose ends, and to be careful with how I perceive things and work wi things, and allowing myself the courage to fix aspects of myself that I didn't see completely as points of suppression. Within this I commit myself to thus work with breathing as much as possible within that awareness of taking it slowly, and thus working on not holding my breath or forgetting that I'm breathing more consistently.
I commit myself to walk through points here in the physical, by slowly stating self forgiveness and self corrective statements, and thus working on instead of dwelling on a point, building principle and willingness when I see something new, and require letting go and being stable and back to the here practical. Thus when and as I see myself losing myself, I stop, I breath, and. Practically confront the point and stand within equality within directive application, and knowing I have the tools to assist myself to whatever extent or aspect of myself that I accept and allow myself to struggle with.
Day 87 - 21 day breathing - self forgiveness part 2
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I am trying to protect myself within breathing, that I am not actually breathing, but protecting a point of self interest within myself that I've related to breathing in relationship to others in terms of breathing to do it as a point of surviving within the system. Thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not stand one and equal with myself within my process in itself, and thus abstract from the point of my process, which is to bring about a world which is best for all life, and thus notin fact standing equal t others as well within desteni and outside of the desteni group.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not let go of the points within myself, in fear that I am going to lose within survival of that reaction, not seeing and realizing that I have therefor created simply a reaction towards that reaction, and where I tried to justify, self sabotage myself. Within this I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to realize that a point requires walking throu here in the physical, and that any loose ends or back chat happening to try to sort out the point within my mind, with my mind is only counter productive, and will thus accumulate to procrastinating the moment where I can stop and start again with fixing the point within and as breathing here within cross reference to the tools of bringing it back to self, and with the tools I've personally applied as to bringing it back to schedule, and participating within what the schedule says to physically guide myself within each point.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not be patient I thin a point of reaction, but try to allow that reaction to react to the reaction, and then want to act in this sense of figuring it out in my mind, and not simply taking it back to what needs to get worked with here, and then as I practically stabilize myself within that point with breathing, then utilizing it practically when I have brought myself back here through for example: focus on my work, write in my back chat diary, smoke a ciggerette, support myself with playing guitar, self forgiveness and correcting myself within misdirection SLOWLY. Within this I forgive mysef that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it really is as simple as walking through a point, and tha when having a reaction or a fall, that that is the very moment to simply take it as its exposed oppurtunity to walk through the point within the capability to do so in that moment of breath, and that it will take a certain amount of time to get it, and thus its ok if I am practically struggling with the reaction, and to simply take it slowly.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus instead of applying tools when n such reactions, that I will deliberately overwehlm myself and self sabotage myself t the point of misdirection within myself, which is where I will have a reaction, and then instead of allowing myself to breath and simply see it as its nature, and allowing myself to remain here where I can practically utilize the point, or walk through the hysical participation points, I instead generate the want to supress the point, and not simply letting go of it. Within this I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to realize, that letting go of a point, is letting go of my very concious relationship, by simply understanding that that point is not that which is best for all, and therefor it obviously isn't something that is effective or can be worked with within myself, thus when having reactions or falls or facing a point, I either will allow myself to work with the physical to bring myself to a point of stability to where I will utilize the point, or I accept and allow the back chat and the self sabotage continue to accumulate within myself as to protect the point.
I forgive myself that I've thus accepted and allowed myself to not realize that practical point of process, which is taking each point as itself, and not rushing to another point, and thus within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate money to my process, and t thus not stand one and equal as a group with desteni, and therefor take on each point within equal sencirity, and thus within this in fact having an automated sense of approaching each point simply within that point, and not just scattering my mind into it and fucking myself in thought.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest with the fact that the points will either be walked through, or isn't. Meaning, either I am herewith the physical, willing to be here with the physical, or else it is a mind deceit point within myself to supress or protect seeing within myself.
I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed yself to realize that moving in the physical is as simple as itself, and that it is practically a guideline for me here, and that its clearly right in front of me and is me, and that resistance is simply a reaction to the reaction to protect its unrealistic bullshit. For example: I have a reaction, and then the emotion will of course be intense when it is something I haven't seen before, and then when I have been breathing consistently, and I see someone within myself that I didn't expect, I try to protect the point within its concious design. Thus within this, I commit myself to redefine confronting myself, or applyi mysef to appoint as simply being here within breath as myself here, and directing that point practically untill I am one and equal as myself again.
Self corrective statements to follow in part 3..
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not let go of the points within myself, in fear that I am going to lose within survival of that reaction, not seeing and realizing that I have therefor created simply a reaction towards that reaction, and where I tried to justify, self sabotage myself. Within this I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to realize that a point requires walking throu here in the physical, and that any loose ends or back chat happening to try to sort out the point within my mind, with my mind is only counter productive, and will thus accumulate to procrastinating the moment where I can stop and start again with fixing the point within and as breathing here within cross reference to the tools of bringing it back to self, and with the tools I've personally applied as to bringing it back to schedule, and participating within what the schedule says to physically guide myself within each point.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not be patient I thin a point of reaction, but try to allow that reaction to react to the reaction, and then want to act in this sense of figuring it out in my mind, and not simply taking it back to what needs to get worked with here, and then as I practically stabilize myself within that point with breathing, then utilizing it practically when I have brought myself back here through for example: focus on my work, write in my back chat diary, smoke a ciggerette, support myself with playing guitar, self forgiveness and correcting myself within misdirection SLOWLY. Within this I forgive mysef that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it really is as simple as walking through a point, and tha when having a reaction or a fall, that that is the very moment to simply take it as its exposed oppurtunity to walk through the point within the capability to do so in that moment of breath, and that it will take a certain amount of time to get it, and thus its ok if I am practically struggling with the reaction, and to simply take it slowly.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus instead of applying tools when n such reactions, that I will deliberately overwehlm myself and self sabotage myself t the point of misdirection within myself, which is where I will have a reaction, and then instead of allowing myself to breath and simply see it as its nature, and allowing myself to remain here where I can practically utilize the point, or walk through the hysical participation points, I instead generate the want to supress the point, and not simply letting go of it. Within this I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to realize, that letting go of a point, is letting go of my very concious relationship, by simply understanding that that point is not that which is best for all, and therefor it obviously isn't something that is effective or can be worked with within myself, thus when having reactions or falls or facing a point, I either will allow myself to work with the physical to bring myself to a point of stability to where I will utilize the point, or I accept and allow the back chat and the self sabotage continue to accumulate within myself as to protect the point.
I forgive myself that I've thus accepted and allowed myself to not realize that practical point of process, which is taking each point as itself, and not rushing to another point, and thus within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate money to my process, and t thus not stand one and equal as a group with desteni, and therefor take on each point within equal sencirity, and thus within this in fact having an automated sense of approaching each point simply within that point, and not just scattering my mind into it and fucking myself in thought.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest with the fact that the points will either be walked through, or isn't. Meaning, either I am herewith the physical, willing to be here with the physical, or else it is a mind deceit point within myself to supress or protect seeing within myself.
I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed yself to realize that moving in the physical is as simple as itself, and that it is practically a guideline for me here, and that its clearly right in front of me and is me, and that resistance is simply a reaction to the reaction to protect its unrealistic bullshit. For example: I have a reaction, and then the emotion will of course be intense when it is something I haven't seen before, and then when I have been breathing consistently, and I see someone within myself that I didn't expect, I try to protect the point within its concious design. Thus within this, I commit myself to redefine confronting myself, or applyi mysef to appoint as simply being here within breath as myself here, and directing that point practically untill I am one and equal as myself again.
Self corrective statements to follow in part 3..
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Day 86 - 21 day breathingpart 1
So within this blog I will cover my relationship within participating in this 'challenge', and points I've seen that cause me to hold my breath, and even prevent myself from trusting myself within breath. Now within this 21 day challenge I will be doing the same form of blogging winthin the points where I explain what I've seen within the moment I did breath, and then if there's a point where I fall, then I can simply bring myself back to daily participation with cross referencing with my schedule, so I can assist myself to direct myself back to a point of working within that breathing point, and then blog on the point to correct myself within which I accepted and allowed myself to apply a notion within my mind in relationship to breathing that caused such a repreccusion to not go through the 21 days
What I've noticed is that when I am in consistent breath, I eventually acknowledge the very point of breathing as some thing that should be categorized within myself as some higher ability, or something to protect myself from becoming unstable, which then branches off to this comparison competition point.
For example I will be working, and I will simply be working, but then when a reaction comes up, I eventually have a Few of these untill I start reacting to the reaction, or will self sabotage myself under the reaction, to the point where I start protecting myself within breathing, or as if I'm going to lose my breathing, as if its something outside of myself.
Within this I then go into an accumulation of repercussion towards communication, and then start becoming indecisive within what I'm doing, instead of just simply breathing here, since I've made this such a focus point to protect myself from essentially actually breathing to assist myself here. So therefor within this I create a mind relationship to breathing, as t manipulate the very points within myself by self sabotaging myself within the reactions, instead of practically breathing through them,, and allowing myself t walk through them.
Now after this accumulates I eventually come to a point of falling within a more intense reaction, and thus once I lose my breath for a period of time, I then just spiral down into the point of procrastination and where I deliberately hold my breath, as if to convince myself that I can't breath unless there's some point behind it, some purpose/self interest reason, and so that self interest is tested by my very moment of breath, and I simply don't just breath and let go of the starting point through practically bringing myself back to each point I was walking through within physical participation, or what I had written for myself to face within my schedule.
Self forgiveness statements following into part 2...
What I've noticed is that when I am in consistent breath, I eventually acknowledge the very point of breathing as some thing that should be categorized within myself as some higher ability, or something to protect myself from becoming unstable, which then branches off to this comparison competition point.
For example I will be working, and I will simply be working, but then when a reaction comes up, I eventually have a Few of these untill I start reacting to the reaction, or will self sabotage myself under the reaction, to the point where I start protecting myself within breathing, or as if I'm going to lose my breathing, as if its something outside of myself.
Within this I then go into an accumulation of repercussion towards communication, and then start becoming indecisive within what I'm doing, instead of just simply breathing here, since I've made this such a focus point to protect myself from essentially actually breathing to assist myself here. So therefor within this I create a mind relationship to breathing, as t manipulate the very points within myself by self sabotaging myself within the reactions, instead of practically breathing through them,, and allowing myself t walk through them.
Now after this accumulates I eventually come to a point of falling within a more intense reaction, and thus once I lose my breath for a period of time, I then just spiral down into the point of procrastination and where I deliberately hold my breath, as if to convince myself that I can't breath unless there's some point behind it, some purpose/self interest reason, and so that self interest is tested by my very moment of breath, and I simply don't just breath and let go of the starting point through practically bringing myself back to each point I was walking through within physical participation, or what I had written for myself to face within my schedule.
Self forgiveness statements following into part 2...
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