Day 16 - fear of exposing myself

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the illusion of being able to hide in myself, not seeing or realizing that this is my ego trying to hide itself as a way of me resisting taking self responsibility of this ego. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create that point of self forgiveness as a way of this point of convenience that "yay now I am exposing myself, so that must give my the excuse to be able to stop writing or go get something to at to "take a break" from my bullshit. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take my self forgiveness serious but instead make it as a point of convenience for my egos to stop and tnot fully expose myself for what ve accepted and allowed. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold back my vocabulary and therefor this being a reaction to holding back exposing myself and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create this sense that there's time involved within my writing, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the points where gian told me that I have all the time to do it as bad in reaction to my ego resisting, not seeing or realizing the practical explanation he was giving me that I must write myself out in order to expose myself completely, and not hold these polarities within my writing, if not but me continueing trying to prevent from exposing my ego, and preventing myself fom actually taking self responsibility for what I've accepted and allowed. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my body will also react to me exposing myself, for it is my ego creating the feelings in my body to prevent me frm fully writing myself out. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor make the excuse that I cannot write to such an extent, not seeing or realizing that I am only but trying t protect my self note rest and my position which is all driven by my fear, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take my self forgiveness seriously to change myself for what is best for all, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to create myself as me special than others, and therefor try to uphold that convenience, the illusion and then go back in my mind and try to self sabotage myself by firstly feeling inferior to women, and creating the point of being attacked by females, and then creating the excuse to go and hide, not realizing that this is simply the reaction that I'm experiencing as a void of preventing myself t understand that 'I' don't really exist, and therefor I must stand and take actual responsibility to rid myself of what ive accepted and allowed as myself which is other but an abuse, as an asshole who will go and blame others for my bullshit, and will try to create myself as godly to create slaves to follow me, and so I can show them that they owe me for my own self accumulated bullshit, and therefor I'm commited to not create slaves, t not create ohysical destruction to the extent of extreme bullshit, of destroying objects in my room, or posting absurd shot on Facebook of killing myself and killing others to but create more eyes on me and to feed the bullshit at I've accepted and allowed as myself. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor not take self responsibility for myself ever I my life, and only but make excuses for my position, and look at others positions who effected my bullshit which I accepted and allowed, and not practicAlly taking what I've accepted and allowed and lean frm it and how it effects others practically, and being alone and fixing it, all-one to therefor actually live as an example for what is best for all life, and not make excuses to not write. I'm commited to therefor understand that I must write in order to fully expose myself to take self responsibility for myself, and to get really specific with the bullshit that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist within myself that prevents me from living alone, and thus I'm commited to build a 'tolerance' through writing, and therefor not covering up any bullshit, and fully exposing myself for what I've accepted and allowed, to take practical responsibility, and no mater what, to it stop anywhere, and to push through the resistance untill I can live self honest, untill I can live for what is best for all life and myself, and regardless always push through, untill its done d-one. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor be held by convenience, and by drives of fea, and thus I'm commited to investigate myself within the fears that cause these patterns, firstly wi y writting: I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create thus purposefully misconstrue writing as this boring thing, which this beng a result from therefor the fear of exposing myself as an ego, and as a result of fully exposing the details within why I'm not fully exposing myself. Tus I'm commited to expose these points here: I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the point of writting, as this point of self righteousness, therefor creating my vocabulary as self righteous, and the very point of writing as self righteous, thus this bei one void frm fully writing myself out to self forgiveness, I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to create comparisons to the other destonians writing, and therefor create self righteousness within myself, as a void from the reality that I'm not accepting and allowing myself to fully expose myself for my bullshit as an ego, and create exposing myself as 'hard' simply due t me only intending on holding self note rest within my writing to continue the patterns of convenience, and to therefor react to that in a way of creating the n convience as self righteous, and then creating that as convenience. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself t therefor try to make my abuse out to be this fucking game, and this poi t where I don't have to take self responsibility within myself, simply because "its too hard to bring out the details" therefor I'm commited to I. Act expose myself to all points that come up within myself. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, understand what it actually means to take self responsibility, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not understand that I must get rid of all forms of my programmed convenience in order to have actual ntegrity, which requires my full will, which requires to not stop untill it is in fact done. I therefor forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not push through and out of the convenience which my mind creates, and taking that oppurtunity of 'hardship' to stop the mind bullshit, and to write it out, to take apart the shit and to really and actually take self responsibility for myself, because it is practically best for myself, and everything else is my mind trying t resist, and tell me otherwise. I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to therefor try to stop here within myself, when I do realize that its hard for my ego, and then I create points of convenience within what I've taken responsibility for, and stopping there in order to make it convenient for my ego to not write out anymore. I therefor am commited to not stop writting untill I reach a point of self honesty within my writing. And if I fall again, to write more. I'm commited to understand that this takes time, but also to understand that if there is a point to confront, to confront it then and there, and not create convenience frm that point by either pushing to gain sme form of fulfillment within myself that "oh cool look I'm pushing through check me out" Therefor I will break down these points: I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a point of a superior image within myself as a void from actually taking self responsibility for the bullshit within my mind. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to stop there, by looking at others minds, Nd then comparing and purposefully misconstruing it to fit myself to make the excuse of stoping there and not writing any firer and thus not fully taking self responsibility in this sense. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create physical hunger in myself t g and eat as an excuse to not continue writing, and as a way of preventing myself to write by creating ohysical sensations within myself to feed the addiction that the fear patterns within me are creating, instead of completely and honestly writting myself out to in fact push through my bullshit. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed us elf to relate my ask bullshit to now, and compare now to then and make the excuse that "well I made it this far and its farther an before" as a way of making the excuse not to write any further or continue exposing myself and my bullshit. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the point of how far other destonians have got, and then relating it to where I am now as if "oh well now I'm where they are" simply as a way of creating the void of actually being self honest that I'm not special, that my ego does not exist, I cannot make justifications or deceptive excuses within myself to generate fear and prevent me from fully exposing myself as an ego. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself try to keep escaping from myself, not being fully self honest that there is no escape, and that I'm here living, and therefor I require writing myself out fully to stop the abuse within myself, and actually living that statement by actually writting out my bullshit, therefor from this pont on I'm commited to now get to the bullshit within myself, and then correct myself when I try t create resistance within that. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself t create that push within my writting, not seeing and understanding that I'm now in reaction to not wanting to write, trying to create problems in myself to as of show off my writti g to no ever reads this as a way to not actually live up t the words that I've wrote towards my resistance to writing. I'm commited to go clean my house, and therefor slow down my breathing and focus more n this point to slow myself within writting, and look at it more practically.