Expecting others to understand me

So I finally got to this point after reading a YouTube comment when I was chilling to music. It was a stevie ray vaughan idea. I had stated that idololizing him just seems deminishing and I stated that anyone could play it if the played and practiced and applied the right tools. The response that got 12 likes - "Anyone can play this!?LOL you sir obviously do not play guitar . let alone the blues.....SRV was a blues legend son... and don't you ever forget it,,,, ask ya moma she will tell ya... dumb shit." So, within this I experience when I felt confused and this loneliness as a child within situations like this. Where the majority of people would say I'm invalid, and then I would feel left out. So, how does this relate to my workplace. Well, I pretty much was terrified to be attacked for something, what ever I felt was being exploited. I became very nervous and began to cry and now I am back home. So, the point I experience is, I fear expression. I will fear being self honest, because lots of others aren't doing it, others are saying its invalid, at the same time am focusing on a point of fearing being exploited as a badinage to females, and then being attacked by males. Then, when I realize that is pattern causes abusive intentions, I feel guilty, which when I get to extreme points like at work, it only feels more real. So, then, I make the excuse that I just want t give up, everyone is attacking me, they're telling me I'm wrong, they're telling me that I'm stupid, and then I feeli deserve to be uncomfortable with my expression, with living in general. This goes back to my father, big time. I have already layed out the points towards,y father, and of course this will relate to others around me, and I will react to these things as a belief system of who I am, that there is something wrong with me. The point that gets me scared, is actually facing this and not depending on these people, actually being alone scares me, because I can't get someone t verify to me what I'm doing fit or wrong, I actually have to push through these very fundamentally driven emotions, while not depending on others to tell me that its valid that I'm doing this. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to depend on a crowd to tell me that my expression is valid, that I am 'good to go' and 'ok' I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame others for exploiting myself under this fear pattern. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor have self blame, and fee guilty for expressing myself. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to give up for the feeling of confusion. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to cry to let the feeling of confusion out. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to run away frm the fear of walking through these confusing and emotional points. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to worry what others will think of me if I walk through the process of these points, and therefori forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being attacked. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to rage as a way to let out anger of being 'fed up', like, just manifesting myself for what I've fed in my mind to supress the fear. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not stand up for what is best for all life in these moments, and only intend n suppressing the emotions. I forgive use of that I've accepted and allowed myself to not consider the physical suffering that is happening in this world where children are actually dieing. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I require taking self responsibility for these fears and emotions through what ever means to stop children from suffering. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not consider the fact that my very participation in this patterns, and postponement is only allowing the suffering to continue in this world. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not realize that applying self honesty in all directions is what will complete the effectiveness of self responsibility, instead trying to distract myself with entertainment, and thinking I won't face the consequences. I forgive,myself that I've accepted and allowed myself t thus not have pushed through the confusing points, and legit get to the point of instability and emotional intensity. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not slow down and breath when I'm writing, but instead try to please someone who would be watching me write. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to self victimize myself when I find myself in a position of self exploitation. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not walk through this point, and pin point what I've accepted and allowed myself to fear others attacking me for.