Obsessed, self sabotage, give up.

S recently I have gotten to the point of emotionally being driven. Where I just want to go back to the old relationships and just give up because I've tried and tried and I just keep failing and others around me don't like me etc. It is even in my words currently, because since I'm not experiencing self interest within writing, aparantly this means that I should not be writting anymore, that because I'm not personalizing myself within my process as much anymore, and I'm not getting these ego motivations, that its just a waists of time. So essentially this is just lazyness, excuses, and this has been causing me to be quite inconsistant in the past days, and becoming very emotional and crying. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify my old relationships within writting them out, because I'm not getting a feeling or release as much anymore from writting myself out. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that coming back here to the physical doesn't require mind polarity, or a belief. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to this become confused in my own created belief of what it means to be living here physically. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear taking self responsibility without an emotional drive. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself t have an emotional attachment to others acknowledging me within my process, and then start creating is outburst of voids towards other people to try to protect myself as this image of knowing better than others. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed by thus trying to catch all points within myself at once, just to please another being. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become lazy within my process. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use a self image as a boost to continue doing a ring when I'm essentially Lazy as a being to actually do it. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to just give up and not care, not realizing that is apathy is the result of forcing myself through mental instability to gain a high that I am accomplishing something. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is exactly the pattern built from my fathers influence. Where he would constantly yell at me and say this is wrong and this is wrong and get mad at me for making mistakes, and I would try and try and try and become emotional and kee trying,untill I just gave up and stopped giving a fuck about what he wanted me to do. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself t not be self honest with the fact that this apathy is only a supression if my fear to actually work, to actually express here physically. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to lose myself within direction due to this lazyness, to this point of losing the ego drive. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have always intended on just beating someone in something when wanting to participate in expression. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest that its the reason why I've always been so inconsistant in mylife, and why I could never participate in something alone. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being lane, and notin prisoner to memory patterns, and then feeding off of my own accepted enslavement. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is how my father would decieve me into verifying that I'm a loser, that I suck, that I can never do anything fit, where he would yell at me untill I would break down, and then show me this love affection, pretty much making me feel better and better for him fucking with me. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have this reaction to everything I do at some point, and want to get this reaction from others, and en just fuck myself more into the deceptive relationships. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my relationship wi females is this way, as with my mother. Where I will easily be able to sow them this image without much resistance, and take power over them through showing something that I essentially fear actually doing. I'm commited t further utilize this point when I wake up frm sleeping. I'm commited to after this make a schedule of writing t not let my mind take course of its schedule and therefor end up fucking myself over days. I'm commited to start discovering what it means to participate in smething, what it means to be alone, to be in co existence to smething, and therefor to already live the validity win a Relationship. I'm commited to discover what I have used to try to get myself back to old relationships over the course of my writing, and why I've gotten to the point of lazyness within the pattern of obsessed, self sabotage, I give up. When I find myself just 'wanting' to go into mind energy drive mode, and give up, I will breath n these moments, and find something to focus on when I'm unavailable to write, therefor I'm commited to start building self direction in more writting, and deminishing the ego within the push to write more, and stabilize the relationship of writing. I'm commited to start focusing on physical relationships within this point to get to know myself within music, conversation, eating, excersising, cleaning, working, sex . I'm commited to stop personalizing my relationship to my process, which means stopping the further competition in relation to this point at my work, and start actually beggeningt invest in talking to co workers without fearing losing myself. I'm commited to slow down now, breath, listen to music, make the schedule, and go to bed.