Day 139 - fearing my confidence and experience o myself being taken away

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my experience of physical confidence, as a point that I need to "protect". Within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to judge my physical confidence, as an experience that somehow is able to be "taken away". 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be realistic with myself, within the fact, that experiences and emotions are going to come up, and that it's simply my choice to direct them, and within this, I forgive mysel for accepting and allowing myself to take advantage of my physical confidence, by not usin it as a way to support myself in facing points, and instead of expecting myself to feel a certain way, I rather use directive principles to build REAL physical confidence. Thus I forgive myself for accepting an allowing myself to not allow myself to practice this confidence, throughout each experience I have, while understanding that I still have to focus on what's better than what I feel, and what's better than just a mere experience, which is how I relate to my environment, and how I can continue to face my environment, and pushing myself to take on a new challenge/facing myself, while going about it confidently.

So within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize, that physical confidence, is the meaning of what's best for all, so within this, I see that includes myself. So what best supports myself, but also, how can I ACTUALLY live in directive support for my environment. 

Within this, when and as I see myself going into a resistance to facing myself in a point, which means - what am I limiting myself within my environment, I stop, I breath, and I bring myself to what's here, and I apply myself to change, to creating a bette version of myself, which within this, incoperates real physical confidence, because physical confidence, is the ability to better support my environment, and to better get myself out of problems, whether it's physical problems, or emotional problems, which in itself relates anyways.

I commit myself to this focus on breathing more, directing myself in better stability, and to within this, giftin Marlo step by step processing, and within this, letting go of points, seeing what's here, and eating through problems, and fears, by remaining stable and considerate as much as possible.

Day 139 - discovering myself and utilizing my understanding in relationship to money, and achieving success

So the point I want to utilize in this blog, is how I can go about spending my money within my current financial situation, while giving myself the ability to work for more money, and within this, setting goals for better financial success, and pacing myself towards that financial position, within the context of being stable enough consistently to handle and face the circumstances when getting to a higher level of financial income.

So what I've discovered within myself, is that my relationship to money, how I spend money, and how I've related this to the people around me, has been way too much of a problem throughout my life, I've always been in the idea that making money was such a struggle. I thought "how do I get to a point of making allot of money?". So, within this, there's a couple of factors that fall into play within this perspective of making money, and it seemed to have been taught to me from the people around me. So let's list some of these points.

1 - I wasn't focused on myself within how I relate myself to my environment, and the people around me. I've always been in this idea that I have to beat the next guy, and win money, become famous, feel good, be better than another. So within this, I was focused on making money, within how I related myself to my environment. So within this, my perspective, and purpose was obviously screwed, because what I was going to do with money, was within the purpose of making it at the expense of another human being, and within this, I was already preprogrammed to fail, to be limited, and to not enjoy myself within my environment as equal to others.

So I've already seen what the root of the problem is within this first point, which is that, I've been preprogrammed to be limited within making money, based off of my preprogrammed design, which is to simply survive, barely get buy, and also, I've always hoped that I would become a millionaire, and hope that I would be the next movie star, or singer, or whatever big position I wanted to place myself in.

So the point to consider within myself, is how does one actually get to the point of achieving success, while still considering the current financial situation, and considering others around me at the same time? Well, it's simple, look at what's here, embrace it, work with it, and then work with that, while having the purpose, and focus of achieving success, and being the best version of myself, that I can possibly be, in order to CREATE success, which within this, one has to follow directive principles - what's best for all.

So the point I'm facing today, is a point I've created within a consequence, which is me wanting to have a gym membership at the YMCA. I noticed that I wasn't able to pay for this months membership, and so I decided to try and go to the gym, to go and see if I could cancel, but still possibly workout. So when I went to the gym, they told me that they would draft out money on the 15th, when I only had $20 on my card. So at this point, I had no other choice but to call my mom and tell her that this would occur. So I talked to her, and she was willing to put some money in my card, and within this, I decided to go and work tomorrow at my labor ready program. Within this, I considered all the possibilities that I could achieve, which was - I could make money at this labor ready program, while supporting myself with disability, and also, I can call my brother up for the test book for the land man position, then I can sign up for GIN.

So then I realized that I had to consider how much money I would be spending on my necessities, wants, and things that require to be there in order for myself to live enjoyably within this. So the points to consider here, are how I can support my mother in paying her back, which would be to work for labor ready, get the money to pay her back, and then within this, test myself to see if I can remain consistent within myself, and committed to making money. Then, once I prove myself within this, I can go get the test book for the landman position, and then sign up for GIN, and start placing myself in those circumstances, in order to have better financial success.

I see within all of this, that I require applying myself to my current circumstances, within assuring that I'm stable, and consistent, so within this, I will be investigating myself in remaining stable, applying principles - what's best for all, but keeping in mind that I have the opportunity right now to achieve great success, within the context of these principles, in order to create a world that is best for all, and to embrace myself within other peoples lives, to always reflect, and to always understand that these points can be applied by anyone, and it just takes seeing what your DESTENI is, your PURPOSE in life is, in order to achieve that success, to achieve that real happiness, and to experience  the best version of yourself

Day 139 - learning to experience myself confidently, while still walking through fears, and suppressions

When and as I see myself experiencing resistance in relationship to K, when greeting myself, and wanting to talk, I stop, I breath, and I walk through those experiences, by understanding that he is there to enjoy, to get to know, and to reflect on within reactions I have within myself.

I see and realize that confidence is a point that needs to be learned, but also applied within myself, through the principles of what is best for what is here, which as explained, what's best for what's here, is what I can do to best support myself, within what I'm doing, and how that relates to my environment, which should be the primary point of what gives myself confidence, and also to place myself in these environments more and more, to better discover myself, within how I can better support myself in being physically confident, so that I'm more prepared to face myself within any environment that comes my way.

I commit myself to practice walking through these experiences of fear, and AT&T he same time, focus on what's here, what's most supportive for what's here, whichw I thin myself, would allow me to be confident within myself. Within this, I commit myself to push through my limits, through my patterns, by applying myself to what's most supportive, and within this, actually in fact letting go of old patterns, by applying myself within my environment FOR REAL.

I commit myself to come to Starbucks everyday, and to see how I experience myself when coming to Starbucks, how it experienced myself before, and to use the principle of equality, which what I laid out as an example for what's here at Starbucks - people talking, me having the opportunity to talk to them as equals, and to see for myself how I can push through fears one by one, and how I can eventually get to the point of learning how I relate to people in public. Within this, I commit myself to take the first step within talking to people, by inviting someone I know to Starbucks, and getting to know them, seeing how I relate to them, and within this, building physical confidence, by applying myself to socializing with other people, and really learning what it means to be equal to others within socializing.

I see and realize within myself, that judging others, and the fear of others judging me, is a point of taking on, through SOCIALIZING. Lol, it's like what the fuck am I going to allow to hold me back, because I never know how I could actually see myself within communicating with others, untill I actually just get out there and do this. Within this, when and as I see myself fearing judgement towards others, and them judging me, I stop, I breath, and I walk through this point, by investigating myself in how I've accepted and allowed myself to judge others, and fear others judging me.

I commit myself to gift myself the discovery of what it means to be confident, what it means to remain for real confident, within the understanding of equality, and self directive principles, which is - supporting myself as life to walk this process, to be the best version of myself I can be, and to live that effectively and with integrity. Within this, I commit myself to walk through this point day by day, and to continue we my commitments as a point to support myself into remaining physically confident, and to do this for physical support in facing myself and this world, and to learn how I effect others, and how I'm effected by others within my environment.

Day 139 - learning to experience myself confidently, while still walking through fears, and suppressions

So today I am learning to experience confidence, what it means to be confident, and what it means to face myself within the midst of being consistent within experiencing confidence. Within this, I am going to walk through what I'm experiencing here at Starbucks.

I met a cool guy here at Starbucks, and we know eachother through a past girl I used to mess around with, so within this I'm experiencing resistance to communicate, and also resistance to face the experiences within other people talking, and how i relate to those people, and how I relate to the people around me, in terms of seeing where I've limited myself within being able to experience myself confidently.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience fear within myself, towards K, in and as the fear that he will judge me for writting. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to judge myself within how I experience myself confidently, in relationship to K.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor seperate myself in relationship to K, and to fear experiencing myself confidently, as equal to him, and to be able to express myself how I intended on expressing myself, which was to say hi to him, be grateful for his presence, and then to write my blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the point of confidence, as a relationship to positivity. Thus within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself, to see and realize, that confidence isn't something so called "positive" but that it's the most supportive way to experience myself, and to share that with others. Thus within this, if or give myself for accepting and allowing myself to, instead of facing myself when I see myself facing reactions, and to rather use confidence in myself to support that point, I allow myself to relate suppression systems to try to hold onto confidence within and as a point of self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor try to remain confident, within the point of trying to hold onto suppression systems, instead of knowing, and actually being confident, like a physical confidence, that I can face myself, that is can continue being confident, and AT&T he same time walk through these experiences. So within this, I see and realize that confidence takes practice, within allowing myself to walk through experiences, and not judge myself within those experiences, but to rather gift myself confidence, within the understanding of why it requires being confident to face myself within fears, within reactions, within points that usually have caused myself to fall in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to depend on my environment to be confident, instead of using what's most supportive in my environment to gift myself confidence, and to gift myself the ability to face myself within fears, and within reactions. So for example, what's most supportive in Starbucks, where I'm at now - people are talking, so this means people are socializing, which is somethi that shows me, that there are people equal to me here in my environment, that I could meet, that I could get to know. So what's the poi that I fear within this - I fear that it's "awkward" to just talk to people, to interact with people. Because in the system we've been taught to isolate ourselves within our own minds, what we feel, how we feel towards others, how we perceive and judge others, that this should somehow dictate all of us to be "kept to ourselves". So this is something to face within this blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear talking to other people. Within this fearing that this should dictate and limit myself from being physically confident, physically focused, and should somehow be a reason for me to not express myself within interaction, which within itself should be a responsibility for me to take on, because talking to people, is supportive, talking to people, is a way to have the oppurtunity of lifting people up. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within talking to people out of fear of judging them, fear of them judging me, and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I and other people, are supposed to judge eachother.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thin that I'm better than others, that somehow my confidence is something that should be represented to them, as something they can't be. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to thus not simply be confident, for myself, as a point to gift myself, to practically live, and not expect others to pick up on it, but to simply remain physically confident, and learn how to remain confident, as a point of being able to support myself around others, which will inevitably ripple, and allow my environment to potentially be supportive within what I'm living as.

Self corrective statements will be placed in part 2.

Day 138 - resistance and resentment towards my father part 2 Self corrective statements

When and as I see myself going into anger and resentment towards my father, and into suppressive mechanisms, to where I want to just hide, or pretend like it's not there, I stop, I breath, and I direct the point through applying one replacement point each week, to where I replace the suppression point, into a directive, and applicable point. Within this, I commit myself to replace the suppressive point from the point of fear of "he is coming in my room to yell at me or attack me emotionally in some way", to applying this self forgiveness statement, which I will write down in my notes on my phone - "I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my dad coming to yell at me or attack me emotionally when I hear him potentially coming to my bedroom, to the point that I get a shockwave in my chest, and tense up, and want to yell and attack him back from what I reacted in fear of him attacking me".

I commit myself to apply this self forgiveness statement each time my father comes back to my room, or I hear him coming back to my room.

I commit myself to unlock one point each day, as to how I try to please other people, in relationship to the fear that something is wrong with me, and to always investigate how this relates to me resenting my father, and becoming angry every time I have the experience of trying to please other people out of thinking negatively about myself. Within this, I see and realize that this will allow myself to discover who I truly am as self expression, in talking to others, in talking to my father, and in sharing with others, and being able to experience and be confident within myself without depending on the reassurance of other people.

When and as I see myself limiting myself, in blaming my father, or father figures for how I experience myself, and what I've accepted and allowed myself to become, is top, and I breath, and I instead, direct that emotion, through applying self responsibility to change myself, and to learning how to enjoy that point, without limiting myself under the relationship I've created to blaming my father within my experience of anger and resentment.

I commit myself to practice facing this point, and to take self responsibility in remaining stable and focused, within the understanding, that is can't face the entire embodiment of this point, but can rather create a system of direction within myself, through applying step by step tools, to face this point of anger and resentment, and hiding from it, in relationship to my father, and father figures. Thus within this, when and as I see myself becoming overwhelmed, while participating in self responsibilities, and being around other people, I stop, I breath, and I direct myself with finding a moment to forgive myself for the experience, until it's released, and within this, applying this as much as possible, until I can direct myself within my responsibilities more consistently and effectively.

I commit myself to direct myself in stability towards male figures in my life, and to slowly investigate my relationship with them, and to apply practical, and commonsensical respect, and application to communicating with them, in order to prevent abusive communication, and to build a supportive relationship with male figures.

I commit myself to breath, and remain here, and take self responsibility, without excuses, and without fears to define who I am.

I commit myself to discover myself in relationship to my father, and make figures, within this pattern of "hope,then relationship, then resentment" and to log this point in my notes.

I commit myself to apply myself to one point per week, of where I have defined my relationship to process, people, and myself, support systems, etc. as stable, that is really just an emotional attachment to suppressing a fear. Within this, I commit myself to open up the fear of "wanting people to like my shares and posts on Facebook", and to apply self forgiveness and self corrective statements to this fear, and how I've limited myself to be consistent within this world, and within myself. I will write this in my notes.

Day 138 - resistance and resentment towards my father

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience resistance when around my father, to where when I am around him, I want to just hide from him, and just put on a happy face and limit myself from being able to express myself openly with my father.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger and resentment towards my father, to where when I hear him coming in my room, or when I enter the house, I have this tendency to prepare myself in a suppressive state of appearance, to where I suppress the anger, and I suppress what I experience within myself towards him, to the point that I try to do everything I can to hold back from just being nasty to him, and to hold back from just yelling at him, or retaliating against him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist my father due to the anger that I have built up within myself, to where I go into backchat of positivity, to where "I'm better than him and everyone else, and it can do anything and he can't stop me because he's always been destructive, and been mean and nasty to me". Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself, based off of suppressing this anger and resentment relationship towards my father.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to please my father, and other people in my environment, within the idea that something is wrong with me, that is my fathers fault for feeling that something is wrong with me. Thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold anger and resentment towards my father, out of seeing that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression, and that this is somehow my fathers fault, for having been raised by him, and for having experienced myself negatively around him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe, that I have to live limited, under the resentment and anger that I've experienced towards my father, due to the fact that I've always accepted and allowed this point of resentment and anger to exist within myself, and shape myself, and make me who I've become. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my father, and become absolutely angry with my father, because I've seen and realized that I've become somebody who's limited, in constant fear, in constant denial, in constant suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hide and run away from this point, out of wanting to deny the experiences I've accepted and allowed within myself, and that I want to just hide and suppress all of this, because I've been so used to running away, and not facing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on male figures, to be there for me, where I want them to be apart of my life, and want myself to be apart of there's, but that when it comes down to a consistent relationship, and a consistent point of support, I fail, because I've related male figures as someone I have high hopes for to be there for me, but then when it comes to being in relationship to them, I simply resent them, and end up abusing them, and not having a healthy relationship with them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not slow down, and breath, and apply what is here, as a point of reference to slow myself down, and self direct what the problem is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect my experiences, and relationships, to be based off of the foundation that I've related towards my father, which is hope, followed by relationship, then followed by resentment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to give up, in fear that I can't face this point within myself, in fear that I will lose everyone, and fear that I will lose my support system, and family, and destenis support. Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize, that I have related my consistency to process, and to my relationships, as a definition of emotional attachment, and emotional dependcy, to remain stable, and to remain in the point of feeling stable, when not seeing and realizing, that this has all been a self deceptive mechanism to remain stable in my old approach to relationships. Within this, I commit myself to let go of this point, to look at what's here, and apply myself within self directive principles, and breathing.

SCS will follow in part 2.

Day 138 - standing in line, fearing reaction, and testing patients

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a lengthy line at the pharmacy, as negative.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to assume that others are experiencing themselves in a negative way because the line is long. Thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my negativity towards others, within what I was already experiencing within myself - worthless, incompetent, judge mental, a bad person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel uncofident about my process, and thus myself, and then fear being in a line at the pharmacy.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow the sounds, an images of other people, Limit myself from being able to stand in line at the pharmacy, in a confident maner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel in a rush, when going in line at the pharmacy, with the dea that how I'm feeling, dictates my experience while standing in line at the pharmacy.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to isolate myself from other people, and have this narsasistic experience within myself towards other people, when I walk into the store to go get in line at the pharmacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to thus isolate my experience of myself, where I want to experience positivity, and thus within this, create fear of others being negative, to where I isolate myself within myself, and separate myself from others, when going to stand in line at the pharmacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowin myself, to therefor relate these experiences, to a lengthy line with people, to where I limit myself from enjoying standing in line at the pharmacy, and enjoy the environment, and get to reflect myself from my environment effectively, and from the people around me.

When and as I see myself, isolating myself from the environment, to suppress my experiences and emotions, I stop, and breath, and I find a moment for myself to speak self forgiveness. Within this, I also commit myself to focus on my physical movement, and to let go of focusin my attention towards others, an then from this point, relate my physical existence an movement, to others around me.

When an as I see myself thinking that others are negative, or that they intend on taking away my "positive" experience, I stop, I breath, and I direct myself through focusing on what I'm doing, to what my responsibility is, and how I can support myself in the task at hand.

I commit myself to write on how I can communicate with others in a supportive way, regardless of what I'm experiencing, an investigating in depth in how I relate mysel to others, while in negative experiences, as well as positive experiences.