Day 66 - fear of losing the strive for male power, and this causes very easy voids through others

So, something not so cool came up within me not too long ago.  I was reading a fb friends post about quiting ciggerettes. I then posted "just quit" and then stated how I just quite ciggerettes, and went further with my mind ability of doing this (since I haven't necessarily utilized quiting ciggeretes. I felt guilty when I read his reply hough, the self sabotage I experience within my male ego. Now, why so, is because, I got irritated not to long ago wi this person, when he was claiming love and light, and I basically was deceptively pushing condescending words of how he's basically stupid, and I'm smart, through built up knowledge wi language within process support, and taken advantage of this person, to e point where this person idolizes me in the reply, which I could simply relate to the compulsive sense of trying to impress a person to protect myself from thinking they were punishing me. Now, if this is somehow by odd means not true frm the other persons perspective, which he clearly was making superior judgements towards me, then cool, however, I could clearly reflect that I have been intending on bullying others and taking advantage of others within knowledge, throu a self image, and I sensed is very much so at work today, and already picked up the deceptive competition where I could observe the others seemed a bit fed up with me, which this is obviously resonant self judgement. S, basically, I have had allot of inferior moments with my father, and in school in my younger years, in experienced very much resent eventually. I wuld have periods of emotional releases of bullying basically with sugar coating it with niceness, and when others fucked with me in consequence,I really wandered why this was happening frm the other persons perspective towards me. 

Now, I have been on a point where I have really just wanted to convey this image to females, and to males, with my physical appearance, and process combined, to manipulate others to sort of look at me as this god, basically trying to create slaves. Though, when I realize I'm doing this when it actually effects a person, I g into e self sabotage, and I come to an extreme cognitive dissonance that it is very much my intent. However, its far isolated, since I've preprogrammed myself t delude myself that it isn't my intent, after simply dancing around all the intense conflicts growing up that related to this, and now I'm simply taking advantage of the very known design. 

I have had this within sex as well. I would masturbate all the time, always feel guilty, but then when it came to sex with a girl, I was very unsatisfied, and I felt guilty to have sex with any girl, like, basically a reflection of the sex I expect with others, and I would actually hardly ever stay erected, which this being e case, I basically have only had sex 3 times in my life, and was very insecure all times. I will fuck wi myself and others, untill a consequence occurs, and then I had to wait till that consequence to actually stop fucking with myself and thus others t see the actuality of myself, and of course, I merely found a way to protect this frm showing in the system, with love and light.

I remember specifically when I was in 4th grade. I was in a conflict with another kid, who was stronger than me, and pushed me hard on a concrete floor after fuckin with him. The second they tok me to the principles office, I was able to point out the common sense in the nonsense that I allowed very clearly, and then she asked "then why did you do it?, and I couldn't answer, I could only feel self sabotaged and just accept the humiliation, but at that moment of intensity, I was able to cover both of our asses having seen the situation, and right afterwards, we've 'been good friends ever since"

It seems that the second I communicate with people, I don't know how to communicate without fearing they are going to just absolutely punish me, and then I just have the absolute intention of controlling them through images and words, and I wonder why its so difficult to let go of these attachments, and why I self judge myself when I see other males functioning consistently well with other males where Im just super isolated and making these thought out tactics, and why I've only ever had 1 or 2 friends in my life, and every single fucking friend that I stuck with always, I mean, always made me feel like shit, and always had the superior ground over me, and they simply could handle my shit because they were capable of triggering the points of self sabotage where I simply couldn't isolate myself with the fake image, and just knd of adapted to their extent of how they accepted me, and would basically be a mirror, and then I would basically cause outrageous acts, and then I would feed off of their upsetness and judgement towards me, because that would mean that I could continue feeling the high of impressing them, regardless of the consequences. 

As my father. I always did something wrong. I couldn't laugh at the table, I had to be dragged around with his hand gripped around my neck or else I would get bitched at, I would always get the wrong tools, I could never get him to acknowledge my abilities, but my mom was all over praising me, however punishing me in the same aspect as my father, accept of course frm her fearful relations, and she was much less violent. Although, it seems the older I form the more I just wanted to control my mom, by resenting her in her face through defiance, and didn't care to impress here, but when around my father, I felt super inferior, and just builtup all this energy to impress him, which would fail quickly, and then I would resent him in a very isolated sense,untill I got fed up, hitch the worst I've ever expressed to my dad, is simply talking back, and that's only happened a couple of times when I was 15 - 16, and even then I was scared of him. 

Sf to continue..