Day 120 -" feeling good" from the medication to not take self responsibility

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse, that because the psychosis shot makes my physical body feel relaxed, and the numbing aspect of having chosen to get this type of treatment, that I do not have to take self responsibility, to still remain self aware at all times how the mind operates, where I'm lacking, where I abuse. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate how I feel mentally to "well, I don't feel like causing harm to others, so therefor, no need to follow self honesty or responsibility.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to use how the medication makes me feel as a point of self support, as a point of using that medicated feeling as a point to self investigate within my relationships that I face daily.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that by taking these sedative medications, that I am walking the consequence where these points which I've accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as separation, are in fact going to compound. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to still place my writings, my physical application within walking the points and circumstances that I'm still able to, and understanding that these medications are simply a handicap to support myself to be able to function daily in a society that requires my attentiveness, vis versa.

I commit myself to take accountability equally as if I was not medicated, and to investigate how the medications coincide with my day to day living, within this continuing to build up to functioning in day to day living with making sure that I have a reference of self awareness that I can work on in each relationship.

Day 120 - believing I can control others

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to resort to the idea that I can control others behaviors, control/trigger them in certain ways, when facing anger, facing more intense points within myself. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being called out for the points in which I've accepted and allowed myself to use as to try and attempt to control and abuse others as life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to act out deliberate personalities as a way to prevent from this point of being called out for my shit, to impede my self awareness, or impede others from being aware as to who I've accepted and allowed myself to really exist in and as abusive.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into fear when facing this point, within trying to defend the memories of when I had believed to such an extent that I can control others through different personalities. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accumulate the idea that I am god, or that I am capable of manipulating my environment to suit my self interests.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus burden others within trying to manipulate them just so that I don't have to face myself, face the accepted and allowed systems in which I've accepted and allowed myself to 'naturally' take advantage of life, of others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to beLIEve that I am capable of reading others personalities. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use others personalities/what's 'made apparent' as a way to try to survive within 'reading them' not seeing and realizing the consequence of abuse accumulated within both parts of them and myself as life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus deliberately attempt to create external conflict with others, to try to bring them within a point of conflict as the reflection that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as anger.

When and as I see myself deliberately trying to use others as a point to fight my mind, to accumulate the points through the beLIEf that I can control others, I stop immediately, I breath, and within this, coming back to reality, coming back to the real relationship that is required to assist and support the other person within initially laying out what's most supportive for myself within that moment. Within this, I equally commit myself to stop fucking around with points through flirting with them with firer delusion, and face here points practically, as this is ensuring self responsibility and consideration for those I had tried to abuse through the beLiEf that I could control them.

I commit myself to stop deliberately acting out personalities to suppress the reality of my thoughts, and to instead make these points apparent in terms of breathing through them, in terms of making sure I'm as stable as possible when around others, and facing the consequences within that which I make apparent to others.

I see and realize that I can not manipulate things to suit my self interests, and hat the physical proves this as false, within this, I see and realize hat when having experienced this idea of being like a 'god' that it was simply an avoidance of breathing, of release anger through self forgiveness, and practically coming to terms with the consequences I had manifested when having arrived at the mental hospital, within that environment trying to survive within my own delusion. Within this, I commit myself to further investigate daily as to what I had experienced at the mental hospital, to ensure I do not further accumulate the points I used as survival within the mind.

I commit myself to face the burden in which I had deliberately tried to abuse others within this beLIEF that I could manipulate them. Within this, I commit myself to face what I've preprogrammed into myself as a manipulative system towards others to not have faced the anger within myself when at the mental hospital.

I see and realize the extent in which I am willing to abuse just to gain my own satisfaction within like vs like. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to fulfill positive energy through the idea that I could manipulate other personalities. Within this, I commit myself to focus on this point daily, as to ensure that I do not further attempt this ever again.

I commit myself to further remain assertive and introspective with whatever reactions which occur that I experienced at the mental hospital, and to debunk these falsities and come back to stability and reality within my environment here at home.

Day 119 - reacting to stern/assertive mannerisms/resonance

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to stern/assertive mannerisms/resonance.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have judged S. when manifesting stern/assertive mannerisms/resonance, while not seeing where had judged myself in relationship to a stern/assertive mannerism/resonance.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into negative backchat when hearing sternness/assertiveness.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into predetermining a 'positive intent' when hearing someone express sternness/assertiveness.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus protect my position that I've accepted and allowed as positive energy within hearing a stern/assertive mannerism/resonance.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have deliberately placed myself in the position of backchat, by searching youtube videos which thus, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feed consciousness through watching others play video games online.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse that "they're just mean, so I don't require writing about it"

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abuse my immediate environment/relationships through entertaining backchat with others talking/ expressing stern/assertive mannerisms/resonance.

When and as I see myself reacting to sternness/assertiveness as negative, I stop, I breath, and I investigate where I have placed myself win the position in context to the reaction using the 'one point method'(writing 3 paragraphs about one detail within the participated Patton) initially.

I see and realize, that S. was practically expressing sound, in which I reacted to as 'stern', within the context of memories within relationship to sternness negatively.

I commit myself to always be here within and as breath, to confront all backchat in relationship to sternness, to assure I'm equally assertive to always remain introspective, and always seeing and investigating the point/Patton in which with doing this, it am creating the only effective tool in solving a reaction to sternness/assertiveness, by using outside assertiveness as self support within using this tool.

I commit myself to not overthink the point of sternness to suppress the reaction, but to always remain here, inevitably thus introspective, to when I react to sternness/assertiveness.

I see and realize that any point of protection, is in fact abusive, and must require assisting myself with physical support/self confrontation clearly, assertively, while equally remaining calm/here as breath.

I see and realize, that when searching/placing myself in and as positivity/abusive, that I will inevitably react to mannerisms, and thus self judgements, within this, I commit myself to once a day, watch a youtube video, any one at random, to write out with the 'one point method' within the reactions I potentially accept and allow when watching them.

I commit myself to stop fucking around and remain self responsibility as breath here, within this, building after deconstructing and disclosing points of self limitation that I've accepted and allowed myself to trap myself in the polarities of positive and negative, in relationship to stern/assertive mannerisms/resonance.

I commit myself to within these self corrective statements, remain humble at all times/in breath, within my current process, to support building relationships with those in my immediate environment, yet self introspective/assertive.

I commit myself to investigate with the 'one point method', within my accepted and allowed reaction to assertive expressions from others.