Day 44 - exploiting my self as life, e excuse of insecurity

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exploit myself as life, and thus exploit others as life within my process, in fear of not having approval of my process, of my expression. I forgive myself hat I've accepted and allowed myself to polarize my points as expression as good or bad, not understanding that this is on a cover up of dishonesty within my expression, within my relationships, within my process. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create competition between myself and others within expression, within my process, within my relationships, a if I require to be better than others. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor have to have acknowledge, to verify my ego relationship within these relationships, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exploit this when I don't 'feel' that I've received enou attention. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself t make the excuse that I will be punished for what I accept and allow, and therefor within this i forgive myself hat I've accepted and allowed myself to lurk for this sort of self image to keep myself in this position of survival within my process, wii. My relationships. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have created other beings as inferior to me because I'm walking a process, and they're not walking a process. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor make the excuse that others are trying to attack me for me walking my process. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor try to cover myself up by trying to convey his self image of my process. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the illusion that i will receive some special treatment for whatif doing, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am only trying to fulfill an energetic experience from expecting attention frm others, by exploiting what I'm doing as this spiritual and godly thing. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to pooorize my self honest as if I will also get praise from 'being so self honest' not seeing that I am simply covering up this protection of having to control others. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not look directly at myself to see and realize that I am protecting a deliberate point of self interest to only try t kee myself involved its how I want t control others within my process, within my relationships. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to compromise others processes by explaining or posting things frm the starting point of ego. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exploit others material from trying to protect myself from others attacking me, which is only a an accepted fear to continue wanting attention from others. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse that I didn't get enough attention when I was younger, or blame my father, when I was a participant within my early relationships till now. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to talk before applying self honesty win what I say. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not walk through the points within needing attention or self interest within a self image I.pn my head, but instead keep searching for light and love and just distractions to keep the idea that I'm recieving attention. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse that I did no decieve enough attention during school, g's I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to consider a rediculous fear over the abuse that these fears, regardless of what instance created them which I accepted and allowed, are causing. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor have exploited myself tremendously within my current relationships, and am only trying to verify these patterns of protection, and then when releasing it is bullshit, try to claim a position within my process, and then once I'm dne writting, or stating self forgiveness, I create this sort of background euphoric feeling, as ifi accomplished something. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse that its too hard to continue walking throu this point, not realizing that I'm only being lazy and just want to kee the patterns and polarity fulfillments, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself that when I lay out tis point,I create this self pride point that I don't acknowledge what I'm doing, which is just wanting acknowledgment for something else, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that it is only a distraction to want to kee recieving acknowledgement from actual expression, because I'm not actually focusing on what I'm doing win that participation, but instead trying to kee this stimulation that deminished the effectiveness of of my participation. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to just shutoff my thoughts,and therefor think that I can run and get away with what I've accepted and allowed. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not change my relationships through walking through them while participating here physically, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear changing my relationships. I will continue to part 2 with expecting acknowledgment within my relationships.

Day 35 - utilizing myself within co existence to desteni

Firstly - I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to masturbate as a way to escape from this point.

I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to create sexual imagery within my mind to fall into masturbation.

I'm commited to continue with this point, and afterwards utilize my relationship with masturbation in regards to this point.

So, the point It seems I have within co existence to desteni, is that I expect myself to hold a specific position within the group. I create the point of expecting others in the goup to acknowledge my pointss throu the likes on fb. I will become defensive with those who attack desteni, and who attack my process in regards to desteni. I will go into self sabotage when others continue sly tell me that I'm in a cult, that I'm in a religion.

I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to make my process as a personal expectation.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make my process as a point of wanting to gain something out of it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor expect the self interest of gaining acknowledgment for my process from the other members.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being punished for not following my process within desteni.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have misinterpreted deliberately as being punished in certain circumstances when I was being supported by the other members in a situation and time frame of beng irresponsible.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor word out what I will do, as a reaction of hop g that I will not be punished, for instance - I will make another blog, I will do this art this blog, I will now go do this, I will now go do that, etc. thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself in relationship to the other group members.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor rush my process as if " ok ok I have to d this now I have to do this and now I have to do this, because if I don't x and y will punish me for not doing it", and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to self sabotage myself, and then relate my own fear of my own expression, to when someone is telling me that I am being irresponsible.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor catagorize what I've done irresponsibly, in order to make the excuse not to stand up within the points or irresponsibility.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take it at a timely pace, in fear of 'ok I can't face consequences because if I do ill act abusive and then Ill be punished for it", therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to stand up for what is best for me, to not get punished within my process, to make a mask over myself as a way to protect myself from being blamed, from being called an asshole, from being attacked.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus create diversity within my relationship with desteni.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use desteni as a form of hiding frm the world.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not understand that this is a contradiction to what the 'group' stands for, which is that one must co exist wi reality, the physical, in order to direct oneself as physical, which therefori forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not co exist wi the material in order to see what's practically true or not, but to instead use it and manipulate it within my mind to try to take control of others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor not realize, that religion, beliefs, all these things come frm the point of fear, and that all ideas that come from fear can sound intricate and have allot of explanation, but it will always has manifested fom a point of one trying to control others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor try to control others within my process from fearing being able to control what I've accepted and allowed as fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor try to keep my points of self interest and keep the points of abusive relationships between myself and others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor try to keep my male power.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to verify all the points of praise that have happened in the past, and that ive accepted an allowed to embrace as me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to keep my relationships with females valid, which is where I want to look attractive to females, where I want them to merely acknowledge something about me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to keep this alive win myself currently, and thus i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not transcend from this point of sex.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect the image and likeness of myself within co existence with desteni, that is influenced by my allowed relationship with sex.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify transcending frm this point, by telling myself that I'm special and deserve to be treated 'more lightly' from what I've accepted and allowed because I somehow have a reason for beng able to keep my selfInterest relationships.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor use this as a defense mechanism to the excuse of self sabotage from the times I had deliberately misinterpreted support with punishment, which I thus forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have tried to validate y self interest relationships through self sabotage at the time I was being supported, and therefori forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to justify my abuse with having accepted myself to be sabotaged at apwhats ever point in my life, and then telling myself its ok to keep abusing, because I'm more special.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus limit my expression within desteni and my stance as a being because I've accepted and allowed myself to try to continue sly verify my relationship to self interest through self sabotaging myself within the group, and victimizing myself in order to hide behind self sabotage.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create the consequence of reacting to those who counter the message, whether its a discussion, or someone attacking and posting hater videos and intending on harassing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus merely reflect what I essentially am diverse wi desteni, and then creating the urg to want to go back not my old relationships, the excuses etc. and then react to those who counter through fighting this urg with the self sabotage, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate the point of wanting t keep my power, and comparing it to fearing what others think of me for expressing myself as life, simply because I fear expressing myself as life t begin with, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse to not stand actually in co existence to what's valid, to what's co existent to my being, simply because I can't even be self honest with the actual being I am.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not transcend my relationships to take on expressing myself self honestly through writing out self forgiveness. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to exist as a mind instead of a ohysical being, and then inevitably going through all of these defense mechanisms to verify my relationships currently to others who still participate in the mind. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not utilize my physical relationuships to make this point smoother on my being. I therefor forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to just wait untill I accumulate inconvenience within my process, and then go make the excuse that I can go play guitar, or go on the interned, and then when I quickly find the dishonesty within this, I want to go and masturbate, which can really throw off direction through physical self, since it verifies the mind t its highest form. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge others outside of desteni, as if they are bad, and I am good. I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the fact that there's abuse in this world, is because we all have abused, and justified, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a reflection of fearing changing myself, onto others as if they are to blame for what I'm experiencing, and then blaming them for not being apart of desteni, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the belief, that those who are not apart of desteni are bad, and then when others tell me its a religious cult, I go in defense to protect this fear/beLIEfe. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that all forms of religion, are but ways to make abusing this world pretty, because religion is a way to keep feeding the fear in ourselves, in order not to be self honest with who we are - life. I forgive myself that ve accepted and allowed myself to therefor create the assumption that what is best for all life is a belief, to more of the extent of real, but simply influencing what is real with what I fear changing, and then blaming others for not understanding what I understand with what I've walked through I thin desteni. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself not to want to therefor utilize the points that are religious within myself, in order to in fact stand up as life, and therefor the fact that I've been given the ability as life to take responsibility for the other life forms on this earth, but have denied my responsibility through survival, and the fact that other animals have to survive in this world. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want t rush to assumptions about life, which I therefor forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not 'want' to utilize a further point of dishonesty I thin myself that is attached to this. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus be lazy and not want to utilize these points to the point of stability. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus simply want to go back to the quick fixes, and to the points where I can make excuses not to write out the fears that occur from the points of self interest. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed to therefor try to keep a precnvenience of reals within stating my self forgiveness. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not transcend from the point of trying to have my power within my relationship to desteni. I forgive myself that ve accepted and allowed myself to this keep my purpose fulfilled. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor catagorize when I can take self responsibility, and when I don't 'have to' take self responsibility. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor not 'want' t completely utilize the points of dishonesty, before I set out to make a schedule that ill stop the relationships that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to acknowledge my point within my process in order to keep myself from fully confronting the points that I've accepted and allowed within myself. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse that it is to boring to write 'after a while' and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create what's convenient over what's best for all life. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not fully utilize myself, and understand that I'm stable, and know that im stable when I'm writing. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to continue to judge my writing as an illusion as if someone is watching me write this. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor rush myself I thin my writing to somehow "hurry up and get this posted" as this sense of accomplishment. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to then go into thinking that I'm better than the other,embers with my process, as this point of trying to keep my control, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to potentially abuse others simply because I can't stand up in fact for what's best for all life. Im commited to walk this point in relation to the pre convenient activities and thoughts I participate in through following the schedule I had made strictly for 2 weeks. I'm commited to stop the participation with sex in relationship with females, music, driving, exercising, etc., and A commited to utilize these points. I'm commited to stop the point of wanting to keep my image of power within my mind, and thus I'm commited to stop trying to keep myself in a sort of special position within my process. I am commited to breath in the moments of dishonesty, and walk through the tough points, and therefor in fact be ale to utilize the points that I've accepted and allowed within myself. I'm commited to therefor stop the participation within my diversity to desteni. I'm commited to sop the participation with gaining attention for what I'm doing. I'm commited to stop abusing my physical body through stressing myself out frm limiting myself from physical expression. I'm commited to stop myself from separating myself from others in relation to being unaware, or 'outside' of the desteni group, and thus I'm commited to not react in fear when who ever happens to counter me with what I say that is n regards to what is best for life, and not self interest, which thus I'm commited to walk through all points of my own self interest resistance. I'm commited to therefor take these points at a practical pace, and correct the pace I'm at currently over time through the schedule I've made for myself, and utilize the flawes within the schedule, and possibly having a schedule to begin with. I'm commited to actually write with meaning, and not categorize writing with time. I'm commited to therefor unlock the points that relate to this limitation within my relation with writing self forgiveness, and my diversity within desteni. When I find myself reacting to these things in fear, and the accumulation to masturbation, I breath, and I bring it back to self, I bring it back to the fact that the beliefs that I'm accumulating in my head are all simply fear that are protecting my position of power, my position of abuse, and therefor is merely but exposing this within myself. When I find myself trying to protect that point, I breath, and I slow myself down in my mind, and I focus on what I practically need to be doing within the current moment. When I find myself make excuses that others around me are stressing my out, I breath,I slow myself down, and I USB myself to focus on the task at hand, and then when I decieve the oppurtunity, I walk to an isolated area, and do 4 count breaths, and investigate why I accumulated to that point of becoming overwhelmed. I'm commited to not categorize the points that I confront as a way to protect myself from facing tougher situations, and therefor when I find myself rushing to stop writting, I breath, and I understand that what is relavent is what I'm writing. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor do that within this spblog currently, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to catagorize self commitment statements, from the memory of seeng these statements mostly her the 'end' of ones blog. I. Commited to utilize the point of laziness, and to not create voids of trying to get attention when I know I have not fully applied myself. I'm commited to slow myself down now, focusing on my breath through the rest of the night, and focusing on my schedule for tomorrow.

Day 35 - fearing losing direction, and thus myself. How this effects my expression.

So I had just currently experienced an accumulation of fear.

I had thought to send two friends I had met with yesterday one of Bernard's videos, and the forum for them to check out. Clearly there was a dishonest point within this, since now I'm experiencing much fear after a discussion with one of the friends, which the other had posted on my timeline and I had requested for I'm to visit the forum.

So, the discussion was actually smooth, and stable. But of course, the moment I saw "is this a cult", I lightly reacted, and gave a simple explanation, and further suggested to visit the forums. Though, e moment I realized that I reacted to this friend due to not agreeing with the message, I had reacted in fear, so therefor the starting point of even doing any of this was to try to convince, and not to support.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create voids of trying to get others to notice the group, to an extent of this being a void from have continueing my next blog.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have done this in the fear of being able to express myself within my next writting, and therefor had to seek approval and attention from others to supress both points.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have acted in trying to convince others to join the group, instead of supporting others outside of the group. I'm commited to not send out links anymore untill I can handle more so rationally with counter reactions from others, and also say something or send something understand and being self honest with taking those actions.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accumulate myself to the point of trying to convince myself after we had finished our discussion, with going and looking at the forums to see if is friend had taken the time to post something.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to hide from my dishonesty after accumulating so much mind energy, and erector I forgive myself for not accepting andalwing myself to understand, that I cannot keep suppressing what I've accepted and allowed, and that I require to take self responsibile for myself as life first, regardless how intense I experience the fear from the ind.

I forgive myself thati e accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others, in fear of me not being able to understand me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate the rest of the world to me, as if someone else tells me that what I'm doing is some religious cultish thing, I go into "maybe I am apart of a religious cult". Therefor, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not investigate this point, but instead accumulate a point of trying t protect self interest that is in relationship with desteni.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not slow myself down at the moment to breath, but to instead try to run off to self interest or masturbation or guitar to ease the discomfort.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create a potential of abusing others frm running to these points.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the moment I try to verify a point of diversity within myself, I will accumulate actions of diversity, where I will judge others, where I will innevitably hold back expression and then try to create all sorts of voids through other beings.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not stand for what's best for all life, regardless of whether the whole world disagrees and or attacks me for it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus try to gain this image and receive attention for what I'm doing, as a way to prevent myself from standing alone for what's best for all, and instead using my process as a point to still want my power, my self interest, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to still want to have power over others, and therefor continue abusing others, just because I can't get off my ass to face the shit I need to face.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor want to run to masturbation when I realize that I'm bullshiting myself, and so to fulfill my lazyness, I just wip out my dick and cum and feel like shit and then go for like a week or 2 mappconfinuesky masturbating and having all these sorts of emotions and then eventually start crying.

I forgive myself at I've accepted and allowed myself to fear this occurring, and therefor I forgive myself for accepting andallowing myself to self sabotage myself from what I've accepted and allowed  in the past, in order to make an excuse to accumulate abuse here, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest with the fact that I am responsible for me, and that I am the only one who will wip my dick out, who will grab my dick, who will keep going to the point of ejaculation, it is all me moving, no ones putting a fuckig gun to my head.

I'm commited to therefor utilize the points of fears in part 3, and before this next blog, go walk outside and stabilize myself within my breath.

Day 35 - the positivity dominator

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to start escalating to positivity hen Ibegin writing   myself out more. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to catagorize myself within my writing, as one moment I'm able to write, and the other moment I'm not able to write, which would already imply, that one moment I cn breath, and the other moment I can't, which that showing that I use my process as an inferior and superior image - one moment I 'feel' superior enou to write, the other moment I 'feel' inferior to write.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor still be defined by an emotion within my writing, and therefor I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself, to understand that regardless of what I experience within my mind, that's just my mind, its just a dream, and so therefor I require - as life - to write myself out in order to free myself from the brainwashing, and therefor essentially free myself of the abuse that I cause within myself and therefor towards others, and then to the bottom line reality, which is what I accept and allow to manifest as abusive within this world.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to thus right to the point of understanding really, why is this world auspice, and why can't I understand the extent of abuse that occurs in this world. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to herefor create my process as a quick fix, to somehow prove to others something.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use this point as a supression from fearing being able to express myself, which falls down to many different aspects.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to specifically hold these points with certain people, which of course my family being the most intense reason.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest wi the fact that I have been directed by my mind, and therefor the fact that I keep 'weakening' once I really begin to write, is simply because I've always had no self direction in my LIFE. That's a cool thing to acknowledge, I said to myself growing up "I don't know what to do with my life", as if 'I' just don't know what to do to make my life stop being life. Like, I must go and get a fancy guitar, and I must be able to get up on stage, and impress all the girls so they can suck my dick essentially, and I need to be on the news, I need to be a famous t.v star, I need to have more money, I need to be the savior of the world. Lol, as if Im trying to make these things a permanent reality, my dreams, but of course you have one dream, you enter another dream, and then another, and you encounter the dream sometimes, and then even if it was like your most fucking desired dream, like fucking every person you ever wanting to fuck, lol you get pretty tired fairly quick, and then what, you go onto wanting to own land or some shit haha. Its something that I cannot escape fom though, which is life, through these positivity dominators, and they certainly dominate, control, abuse, cause millions to suffer, just to fulfill something that doesn't even exist. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed me of to currently go into this character of being the person who's saying something right. Therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to naturally use the word you as a manifestation of blaming others. Thus I'm commited to hold myself and investigate myself more when I enter points of wanting to relieve attention for what Im saying.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to resist within this writing blog.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus have to reach points of crying and throwing tantrums to get the point across to me that I'm being an asshole to this planet.

I therefor forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take the time to breath, and to thus manage myself within my writing process, where I don't hold back, but I don't over do it, as if its something pre - determined. Thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself toinevitably face the consequence of inferiority and superiority within my process.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to do this from the point of fearing to walk through tough points, and thus I forgive myself at I've accepted and allowed myself to fear what I will lose the more I walk into my journey to life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create distractions of "I need to do this in order to stop this point" not seeing and realizing that I can't even walk through any changing decision unless I walk through self honesty to therefor make a decision that's practical and in fact effective.

I forgive myself at I've accepted and allowed myself to want to stop once I start feeling physical resistance, as if is will give me the option to walk away and not continue writing and walking through writing to reach the meaning of all of this, of all of whatever wrote before this.

I'm commited to make another Parton this point to further utilize my dishonest within my process.

Walk/journey to life - day 32

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to get caught up in my mind, and thus create these openis within my process wherei to through all of these unstable aspects day in and day out - making excuses that self honesty isn't valid because I'm experiencing resistance, not getting enough sleep, start worrying about my body image, trying to attract females, start judging others, start wanting to through tantrums when I know well when I'm being dishonest within all of this, hence judging others as a void, etc.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create a convenience within my process to give me the mind energy to write, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only verify these current relationships that I'm not owning up to through comparing them with equality to writting, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not actually change myself within these relationships but make the excuse that it is me because its simply natural to my preprograming.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to slow down and breath and catch up to the self honest point that this process is only going t happen through me, and that no body can stop me, or do it it for me, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to simply create fears of uncertainty and then go into the willing (really wanting) to do my process, simply because Im still trying to protect my position within both aspects, for the fact that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate myself to my co existent reali through illusion and beliefs, instead of what's practically real.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take consideration for what's best for all life first, and then go fom this point.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what's is best for all, is just that, and otherwise I'm only protecting my own diversity within myself, which really will just end once I'm fucking dead lol.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not just breath, and tell myself within the here, that these are just lights, I'm simply being misdirected from brainwashing, and thus false notions to only decieve my from my equality and oneness to this reality.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make excuses to not slow myself down simply because I have responsibilities to take care of, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to simply be lazy to protect my mind self interests.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus fear facing my fears that I've accepted and allowed going up.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I grew up, I allowed myself to feel inferior to others and try to control others out of not actually taking action for what I fundamentally knew what was wrong and right, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to protect myself under a known false hood most of my life through outrage, and resenting my parents and the people around me, and bullying others fom the fear of what I analyzed within how the system communicated.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus make myself gullibal to others as a way to defend the self interest points that I knew were essentially wrong, but would act outrageous just to protect these points, instead of investigating what is the right thing to do, and taking action to solve that unknown that was unknown that I was simply bung dishonest.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not act on the points throughout my life where I actually questioned e idea of self confrontation, but instead was so deceived by my own mind that the mind resisted the common consideration for this interna discovery within myself throu out the intense experiences within my life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to label myself as this smarter, better understanding character as a result of fearing being disregarded fr my 'good' actions, or being called stupid, and many n fervor points I experienced growing up, especially in school.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have this great urg to just show everyone how good I am at whatever, or that I have something good.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to put myself on the deep end from being able to thus express myself, where I have to have all of this confirmation from these false relationships that I probably essentially would never be apart of since I started these relationships from a point of wanting to impress other people fom the get go.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to do this wi guitar, where I specifically remember when I was at the end of junior high. Tree was a talent show, and this boy who I grew up with I received allot of inferiority from my relationship with him because when I was younger I loved singing, but when people started giving allot more attention and pause for how he sang, I soon stopped singing, and then This was an oppurtunity to get some sort of better spotlight, where I had 2 days to learn some chords t play, but this starting point obviously already have me discouragement at the time. However I did want to play guitar when I was alittle younger, 8 or so, which I think even then I felt discouraged.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've been bullshited, that I am not wel, that I have allot of problems that I need to take self responsibility for, or else this world will be less likely to meet equality, including myself to begin with.

I'm commited to start pointing out how I keep accumulating t the point of wanting to have others pay attention and praise me.

I'm commited to actually breath through these points and focus on the current ohysical participation and find out what would practically help me slow myself din from going into inferiority, and self hate, and putting myself on the deep end.

I'm commited to thus start taki more account of myself, and slowly get myself out of these unstable patterns throu writting, which saying slowly to not rush myself to gain smething or prove something.

I'm commited to after this blog, write out what I should first eliminate within my current patterns, and  also take this point sow to not try to force myself thru it in fear of failure.

I'm commited to thus start with the Internet.

I'm commited to stop looking up videos of gaming, ww3 news, and procrastinating with listening to music.

I'm commited to take a break from Facebook unless I need to contact someone, like my friend who currently wants to play guitar with me and excersise with me.

I'm commited to therefor follow the schedule t d the blog, and the diplite assignment.

I'm commited to give myself 30 minutes optional to listen to whatever music, and check emails and messages etc. throughout the day, and no longer for 2 weeks.

I'm commited to not beat myself up if I give into the entertainment or escapism through the Internet, but breath, stop, and find smething I need to primarily take care of that hasn't been. I'm commited to start walking my process with my own steps that actually benefit living principles, and to start stabilizing myself from the self destruction that I've accepted and allowed to be a weight on my shoulders for so long.

Day 31 - making commitments to stop masturbation. Forgive ment statements for past 2 weeks

So in the past week or two it seems I've really had myself some ups and downs with emotions, and am getting driven I. Allot of things.

Ever since I have received my new job, I finally got away from just being by myself, and consequently I had allot of overwehlming points, and I find it quite difficult to be around other people.

So I'm currently facing this sort of poi t where I'm in denial of relationships that are bad to my health, just to keep these points between me an that particular relationship.

So therefor Im comited to blog a topic here after work every other night so I can actually focus on specific topics, instead of just writing out random points that I experience while I'm at work.

Therefor lets start with masturbation, since I have currently masturbated, and point out what accumulates to this point.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to continue masturbation to the point of ejaculation, even though I understand enough to stop the point of wanting e orgasm, and know very well that I could fix the points thT accumulated me to these points of masturbation.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus choose the momentary pleasure and thus choose to face the consequence of acting more abusive and thus making it more stressful on myself and others within my process of changing, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not stick with my commitments towards my schedule that I've recently wrote to take a break from specific relationships in order to not get drawn more into excuses, self interest, the mind in general.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create this sort of image of myself of how responsible I am and how good my image is, to essentially make a void through there's, and thus create a potential outcome of blaming others more and more for my reactions to them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to then gointo trying to obtain this superior image whether it'd be my body, or what I'm doing, or how I'm acting as a way to try to verify my old relationships and then start going into this overdrive of trying to impress others to the point where I just essentially start being a dick to others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not realize that this is a reason why I need to take breaks from certain relationships and activities, and also why I need to follow a schedule more based on my process, to be able t eventually equalize myself to these relationships, and thus actually making myself a being who actually has real relationships to things.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I'm only trying to verify somehng very fundamental that's been apartment me the majority of my life through masturbation, and that I've always had the ability to fulfill my passins win my relationships, but I always need the external image to do it for me just so I can live a false dream of something that I've accepted and allowed myself to not actually act here in the ohysical, and us cause imminent repercussions and cause allot of hardship on myself when I can simply write these points out and understand that regardless of how hard of easy it is to do so, it shows that relationships are a physical based thing, and thus the hard and easy are only illusions that have attached to the idea of time, therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to masturbate in order to fulfill the quick fix after dwelling and dwelling on points that require me to physically walk.

I'm commited to therefor clean alittle bit around my house, and get some rest before working tomorrow, and to slow myself down and begin focusing n myself throughout today, and actually find relationships outside of just writing and blogging, that I can work on fixing within the physical participation.

Thus the points I will be working on, and writing on, will be playing guitar/listening to music,  masturbation, and the different aspects of my experience with working.

When I find myself wanting to masturbate, or have these images and sexual images that lead me to masturbating, I will slow dwn and breath, and take steps back to before the point of masturbation came up, and write the points down.

When I find myself iodine those commitment, and I go to whatever secrete Ada in my house to masturbate, I will slow down and breath, I will turn off the pornography, I will make sure I am not exposed to my private parts, and I will grab my notebook, and drive to the near duck pond and breath and write outside at the duck pond, and write down the relationships that I currently experienced, and en focus on what I experience while people walk past me, and explore more points, but also keep it limited to be ale to grow intimacy within ese specific points.