Day 135 - discovering myself within how sex, and backchat create consequences with me in relationship to my partner SCS

When and as I see myself creating the point of wanting to have sex with my partner, I stop, I breath, and I walk through the reactions, the physical experience, and how I accepted and allowed myself to want to have sex with her within and as the point of wanting to release and lose myself from the emotional, and fear points within myself.

I see and realize that wanting to have sex with my partner, is a point of only wanting to provoke fears, and lose myself within not wanting to face the fears, through and as wanting to control my partner, and release those points towards her, in order to feel better for a moment. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to investigate how I can discover a different way of having sex with my partner, and in making it a physical relationship.

When and as I see myself not allowing myself to investigate myself within and as discovering how I've accepted and allowed myself to relate myself to my partner, through blaming my partner within the point of not liking the way I look, and then wanting to verify that through sex, I stop, I breath, and I walk through the point as to why I relate my personality point of wanting to look good, with her, and how I verify that through sex with my partner.

When and as I see myself blaming my partner for confronting me on a point, or see she is being effected by my consequence of not taking self responsibility, within the context of me fearing her of reacting a certain way/paranoid of her blaming me, I stop, I breath, and I see that I am the only one who is allowing the problem and the consequence, and the fact that I am blaming her for how she reacts, is only my fear of losing her within that personality point and relationship I've accepted and allowed towards her, win this, I thus commit myself to walk through every personality, and reaction I have towards my partner, and to see where I react, and how I can support myself best, to support her within her process.

Day 135 - discovering myself within how sex, and backchat create consequences with me in relationship to my partner

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have participated in clear points that where energy participations of the mind, and to where I knew it was going to lead into a consequence, but instead of slowing myself down and writing out the point, I participated in the positive, or negative point of energy participation. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize, and see, that the point of sex with my partner, is a major aspect of why I tend to lose myself within stability.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in sex with my partner, to not face the fears within myself and in and as the point of wanting to release the "stress" "fears" onto my partner and to where I only provoke the fears through validating them through sex with my partner. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that this is a dangerous point of participating in, to where I "lose myself" through sex, and to where afterwards, I literally end up losing myself, and not being able to stop or stabilize myself within what I have used to release those fears using my partner, and to where I had created that opening of instability, within the desires, the positivity, the high, and to where I didn't allow myself to be self honest within why I was having sex or wanting to release these energetic highs.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not have practically slowed down, and to investigate what had caused myself to lead to that want to release my fears and ego through sex. Within this, I commit myself to further investigate the construct of what I allow to lead myself to points of high energetic points, in order to only momentarily suppress the negative points.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience incompetence within how I look physically and where I will go to my partner for reassurance of how I defined myself as incompetence, through having se with her, and releasing that through sex to verify how I've related myself to my partner through my self definition of incompetence.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place blame on my partner through what I've defined in myself as incompetent, to where I want to control her, or force my shit into her to where I can feel better. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define incompetence, as something my partner has to do with, to where I place her in my mind, as if she is telling me or implying to me that I'm incompetent about my physical appearance.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to get the experience in my penis of "arousal" when I see that I want to release the point within my mind towards my partner of feeling incompetent through sex/masturbation.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for my emotional points that I face, and thus go into reaction to wanting a positive high sort of gratification within myself through wanting to have sex with her, and loosing myself further through the act, and then eventually experiencing myself get out of hand with how I'm feeling. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place myself within and as the context of "better" than my partner, and thus follow my ego within having sex with my partner, or getting her attention through sex, and wanting that gratification in order to try and verify the personality relationship with my partner, as me being "better" than her.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try and place her problems or points as "my problems/points" and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize, that I am only placing fear and provoking fear within the excuse that "her "feeling" is a personal attack against me" and her problems are therefor my problems. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear her blaming me for my points, my consequences, when not seeing and realizing that I am abdicating my problems/points through blaming her for blaming me, or trying to hurt me. Thus, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that this is a reflection of the abuse and problems I've accepted and allowed to exist within myself, and is a point of me seeing that I am lacking support for myself, and don't see how that comes off as not being able to support my partner, to where I thus face the consequence of her confronting me in the point.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that I require taking self responsibility for my reactions towards my partner, and to see how it effects her when I go into reaction, and how I can build a physical relationship, of responding within what's best for all/her, and myself instead of remaining in fear of her blaming me, or judging me, when not seeing and realizing that this is all a reflection of myself, and what I see within myself and how I actually have within my back chat relationship towards her.

Day 135 - discovering how to stop myself when I experience things getting out of hand part 1

So while being here in Denton with my partner, I have experienced some out of hand moments, or where I found it very difficult to stop myself within emotional turmoil/possession. The points I've found is that I have a tendency to go into this out of hand experience point, within losing myself in certain energy participations, or when I didn't stop myself within an energy participation, or point of fear before hand, that could've been directed before the problem occurred, where I had seen things get out of hand.

The point to discover is what fears I have in taking certain measures within stopping myself within the environment I'm around here in Denton, and the fact of being just here with my partner out of my town midland, so therefor I see I'm not really in my minds comfort zone, so that is obviously a factor as well, as to why it can seem harder to stop myself, or generate less experienced fears that accumulate the points that I find difficult to stop I certain situations.

I see that the main point, is pushing through the fear of writting/confronting the fears, when I see myself in a state of "getting out of hand", and within this I see that it is simply the fear of allowing it to get out of hand, from past experiences of when I did let it get out of hand, and therefor the point to discover is where I can direct myself in seeing clearly what I'm facing, and how I go about facing it without the fear of things getting out of hand, through self forgiveness.

I have applied doing physical things, and my partner has been supporting me with doing physical activities - cooking, walking, going places with her, and today we are going to exercise, so a vital point is to not ponder the thought and fear of losing myself, and to remain stable or directive through doing physical activity to see and earth myself with what's here.

I see that when I go into these points of fear of things getting out of hand, I also have a tendency to project those fears onto others, specifically my partner, from the starting point of having relied on them, through  abdicating self responsibility, or having gone towards a supportive path within making sure I remained stable. This is a point to see where I can replace the point of projecting my fears onto my partner, into the point of investigating what works for me physically, how I have investigated and confronted the fear, and then working out a supportive conversation with my partner, on how I can better direct myself, within what I've seen and assessed within myself.

Day 134 - irritation with my partner, out of the consequence of provoking fear within myself part 2

When and as I see myself abdicating self responsibility, to the point to where I end up provoking fear within myself within facing a point, instead of sitting down and facing it/writing it out through SF SCS, I stop, I breath, and I bring myself to the tablet, or journal, and I start to forgive the fears, forgive the point of self abdication, and I start to face the point, by letting go off erythema as to why I followed the fear to begin with.

When and as I see myself wanting to share what I am feeling, as a self sabotaging point, with my girlfriend, or with others, or someone else, within the consequence of thus setting myself up to place others in a position of fear, and thus not actually supporting anyone through allowing myself to self sabotage, I stop, I breath, and I instead of sharing, immediately go to writing SF SCS, and do not what so ever allow myself to share how I'm feeling with anyone, with my partner, or desteni, and to only share the points I've found out for myself, and know officially that I have corrected and understood, in order to receive support in how I can see the points better, and change myself and face myself better. Within this, I see and realize that I self honestly cannot share points with my partner, or anyone outside of desteni who are my buddy, until I for sure am certain that I will be supporting myself, and not abdicating self responsibility, or placing the other in a position of fear, or in a position of being abused by me within me self sabotaging myself through sharing my points.

I commit myself to never share my points individually, or on my fb page, with anyone, unless it's absolutely vital, and I require actually getting support to see where I can face myself in a more effective way, in seeing where I am missing something, and only discussing this with the forum, or my buddy, and when seeing the time is right, with my partner.

I see and realize that I cannot vent to my partner, and that I must in fact have assessed and investigated, and forgiven and corrected the point myself, before ever discussing it with my partner, under the principles that I am not self sabotaging, or trying to create a void in telling her my points. Thus within this, when and as I see myself, self sabotaging, and blaming my partner for telling me the truth and confronting me about the point, or what I'm not seeing, and I get a reaction of defending my feeling, or the fear, within the context of where I want her to tell me "it will be ok, sweetie, I love you" I immediately stop, breath, and state self forgiveness - "I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not see and realize, that the reason why I am not willing to receive support from my partner, is because I am not willing to face what she's telling me, and apply it through self forgiveness, and be self honest, within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to self sabotage, and excuse the fear and points, and blame her for supporting me with facts and truth, instead of embracing the truth, and facing myself within what she's telling me, or face the reactions to what she's telling me" " I commit myself to face myself in my reactions to what she's telling me, or what she's expressing to me, and to not what so ever blame her, or even try to support her or say anything further past the point of what I'm already experiencing myself within these fears and self sabotaging and blaming points"

I commit myself to apply these statements when in the experience of self sabotaging, and placing my partner, or anyone else, in a position of fear or abuse, to where I want a convenient pep talk, and to apply these statements, within the understanding that if I'm reacting in fear, or positivity, that I have a big problem required facing, and must face it immediately, and not further escalate the experience of self sabotage and projecting my emotions onto her, or blaming her.

When and as I see myself resenting my partner, due to the point of not letting go of wanting to control her within wanting her to butter up my points to where I don't have to face the fact that I'm abusing her and trying to place my shit onto her through me self sabotaging myself within what I'm facing, and thus potentially further compromising me receiving support from her, and her being able to support me, due to my unwillingness to support myself, I stop, and breath, and I immediately look at the point as to where I have accepted and allowed to project my points and fears onto her, to where I had not thus listened to what she was confronting me about that I was accepting and allowing, and I reflect that point of resent back onto myself within the understanding that I am the one who accepted and allowed the reaction of self sabotage, and wanting her to treat me within my convenience, because I feel incompetent of facing myself. Within this, I see and realize that resentment towards my partner out of her confronting me about a point, or her telling me how she feels with what I'm doing to her, is simply my excuse to not take self responsibility in my position of accepted and allowed abuse, and accepted and allowed fears, and points, and self interest. Within this, I see and realize that I thus am only projecting this onto her, when she confronts me about how she feels and experiences herself in the situation of me self sabotaging myself and venting fears to her to make her fear supporting me, due to me not being willing to support myself.

I commit myself to thus make sure, make CERTAIN, that I am in fact supporting myself, before going to my partner to share points, and that there is no room for self sabotage, to where I can lead up to the point of resentment, or blame, within the understanding of doing this, so that I do not further participate in this pattern to where I resent her, to where I self sabotage myself, vent to her, provoke fear towards her, compromise our relationship of support, blame her for her confronting me about how I'm abusing her, me seeing her expression of her being abused, and then the resent.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself, to see and realize, that seeing my partner aggravated, or upset with me, is actually me, it is a representation of what I've accepted and allowed to place onto her, and is in fact me, and that me resenting her for how she is expressing, in fact is me seeing where I've abused her, and where I've abused and compromised our relationship, and thus to resent, or to blame, is in fact only an excuse to not face myself within the acceptance and allowance of old patterns manifesting, and that her expression, is the result of what I'm accepting and allowing to occur between us, and is in fact a manifestation of what's inside of me, and is me.

When and as I see myself judging my partners expression, as if she's doing it for no reason, or just to hurt me, within the fact that I am blaming her and self sabotaging myself to not face my reactions and consequences to why she is expressing herself that way, I stop, I breath, and I understand that I am in fact what she's expressing, that me reacting and feeling what she is feeling, is in fact a result of what I've accepted and allowed to participate, and create. Thus within this, I see and realize that I cannot blame my partner for how she expresses herself, nor control it, and that I can only see within myself where I am reacting, and where my points relate to the reason of her expressing herself a certain way.

When and as I see myself judging my partner as "not supportive", out of the point of me actually wanting to impress her as how I'm supposedly "more supportive" within the fact that I'm too shit scared of actually being supportive for myself, within facing my shit, and the real abuse I've accepted and allowed, I stop, I breath, and I reflect back on how I've accepted and allowed myself to try to impress everyone, how I've made myself out to be in supporting others, when I never even gave myself the chance to be IN FACT supportive for myself. Within this, I see and realize that I am not ready to support others to the extent of giving them advice, and must utilize how I can stay quiet and simply talk, and walk with my partner, without trying to give her advice, or force support of advice on her, to where I make certain that I am supporting myself first, and initially.

When and as I see myself just self sabotaging myself with sharing my points with others, and expect sting others to know about my process, and not actually write it out for myself to see, and then actually face the point head on, and then apply principles of what's best for all life/what's most supportive for myself, and living that out, and then blaming others for when the confront me about it, such as confronting me about me making excuses to not take self responsibility, I stop, I breath, and I thus commit myself to stopping the point of sharing freely my points, and to for now keep them to myself, and actually use this point of keeping it to myself, to not further accumulate new patterns, but to actually use it, in order to apply principles, and face myself. Within this, I understand that keeping my points to myself, means that I will not share points when I just feel like freely sharing them, for the fact that this point of self abdication is so deep rooted, and thus automatic, and must be taken precaution to not freely share points, and as stated, to only share them with my buddy and the forum ONCE investigated, and only if needed help with facing the point in a practical way, and a more effective way, or if it's vital to talk to the forum or my buddy.

I commit myself to push myself within the understanding of facing my points in the perspective that it's vital as fuck that they are eradicated, because they are abusive, they can create consequences that I do not want to create, and that I am potentially facing hard, and deep rooted points that require attending consistently, intensely, and with integrity, in order to get myself out of my own accepted and allowed limited, consequential shit hole of a mess.

I commit myself to first and foremost, make sure I push myself through every sf statement and every SCS, and then sharing it with my buddy or the forum, to make sure that when I face a point, that the buddy or forum requires assisting me with, then they will be there to support me to push within the right understanding of what I missed before, and to have the valid perspective, in order to face the nitty griddy shit, and to get through it for real.

Day 134 - irritation with my partner, out of the consequence of provoking fear within myself

So this is a point I am facing within and as irritation with my partner, blaming my partner, and having generated this feeling within the excuses of not allowing myself to see where I have provoked fear within myself.

So it all started at the point of seeing that I was over eating, and where I was not taking self responsibility in controlling myself from over eating. I had seen within myself that I was facing a point within taking my medication, and so I ended up going into fear of the appetite increase that the medication has been giving me. Within this, I had also seen, that I had the fear of what would happen if I took myself off of my medication due to not wanting the appetite increase, or the potential consequence of gaining weight while taking the medication.

I ended up going into a point of, "I need to find out how I can suppress my appetite, how I can get help so that I don't gain weight, within this, not seeing and realizing that I was actually provoking fear within myself, to where I had abdicated self responsibility, and not had actually slowed down, sat down, and written out as to why I was feeling hungry on the medication, and forgiving the points of having over eaten, and seeing the specifics of where I have accepted and allowed myself to had over eaten in my past, while on or off medication.

So I ended up finding the tendency, to go on forums, and ask how I could suppress my appetite, or prevent myself from gaining weight. Within this, I had decided to also call my partner, or tell her about what I was struggling with. Now telling her about my issue in itself wasn't invalid, or mis directive in a general sense, but how I accepted and allowed myself to create the starting point of fear within telling her, provoked a consequence of become irritated with her, and blaming her for her saying certain things that I within my mind took as a personal attack, when really she was just trying to support me.

Now the points to investigate and utilize, are to see where I had fallen into fear of my medication, to where I then wanted to share it with my partner, and then to where I blamed her for when she was simply confronting me and telling me the truth about what I was experiencing, and also seeing where I had felt as if she was being unsupportive, or where I judged her words as an attack, or trying to put me down, when I in fact accepted and allowed myself to take her words personally, because I already limited myself with fear, and thus projected myself onto her as her trying to limit me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have provoked and generated fear within myself, to where I was simply facing a point about my medication, and to where I had used that point, to create fear of facing it, and went into reaction of "what if I gain weight on my medication", "I need to get off of it", "what if my relationships are compromised and I can't deal with my health and my relationships". Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to have written out the fears, and to have utilized them, and correct myself and set up a plan as to how I will further support myself with these points while on the medication.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to have realized, that the very reason I spiraled into fear, was because I was not allowing myself to self direct myself throughout the day beforehand, and that in consequence, I allow fear to generate within facing this point, for the fact that I wasn't allowing myself to focus, due to abdicating self responsibility before hand.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have thus not further taken the time to investigate the points in relationship to my medication, and the fears I had, or have been self honest with myself and pushed to see where the points lied in alignment to my relationship with health, medication, and my relationships.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have instead of investigating my fears first, instead shared my fears on forums, and with my partner, to where I had created a starting point to where I would not have accepted support, for the fact that I was self sabotaging myself to begin with, in relationship to facing myself with my relationship with medication, and with facing myself with gaining weight, and the initial concern for my health.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have thus brought these fears to my partner, and made excuses to have these fears, and then share them with her, without having investigated them beforehand, and facing them myself, and then actually sharing with her what I had found, and what I could correct within these points with my medication, and the fears I was facing in relationship to the medication, and gaining weight/over eating.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have used my partner, as an energy source of venting, instead of participating with sharing with her, what I've realized within myself, and what I have discovered about my points. Within this, I thus forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have expected her to give me a convenient attitude, to where I expect her to tell me "it's ok, you will be fine" instead of facing the fact that she was simply telling me the truth, and confronting me about the fact that I was making excuses and placing her in an uncomfortable position within me provoking fear, and me wanting to vent to her my fear. Within this, I thus forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame her for supporting me/telling me the truth, and not instead allowing myself to breath, and assess the situation as to why I was accepting and allowing myself to remain and fear, and what position I placed her in when telling her my fears/points, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to self sabotage myself while she was trying to support me, and then just telling her excuses about how I was feeling, instead of actually just listening, and allowing myself to learn from what she was telling me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus hold resentment towards her, from the point of her not giving into my self sabotage, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to potentially abuse her within communication, and compromise my support from her, for the fact that I was compromising my own process to begin with.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus fear having faced myself within this situation of her confronting me, to where I didn't want to give up the personality relationship I've placed value on in relationship to my partner, and to where I wanted to go and feed off of suppressing the emotion, through feeding and continuing to feed the fear of wanting to figure out how I could control her, to where she would potentially give into my shit, or to where I would continue living in the pattern of abusing her in this way, to where I compromise her support, and my ability to receive support from her.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus judge her as "not supportive" within the sense that "she doesn't know how to support me", when not seeing and realizing that I in fact am not willing to receive support from her, because I'm too shit scared to support myself. Thus within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself, to see and realize, that I have actually suppressed my emotions, and in facing myself, and seeing the abuse in where I blame my partner for "not being supportive" through trying to tell her or show her how "I'm being supportive". Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not see and realize, that I have sabotaged my support systems, with not only my partner, but with others, out of trying to impress them with how "I'm being supportive".

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself, to see and realize, that I have used this defense mechanism of others not being supportive, and me being "the most supportive" out of the fear of actually being more supportive and capable of being more supportive, than I allow myself to be, and thus in return, blaming others for when I don't feel convenienced for when I go to them and self sabotage myself in talking about the points and fears I'm facing, instead of just fucking facing them and taking self responsibility for the fears I'm facing. Which means, stating self forgiveness, self corrective statements, and applying those principles, without the expectation that others will know about it. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to fear actually standing for what's best for life, and applying tools, and what I discover within myself, and living that out in self application, and thus instead, just writing it out, and then just telling everybody what I'm facing and not doing anything about it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus fear facing myself, and actually taking self responsibility, within facing the point of actually stopping patterns of self interest, and actually thus being willing to face the real shit within myself, and facing the real points that I require facing, and seeing where I can actually see the full hardcore truth about my own mind. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to fear my own truth, to fear my own mind, and to fear my own abuse, to fear my own details of my mind, to fear my bullshit, how I interact with others, how I've self deceived myself in delusion. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus butter everything up just to be able to function within my own delusion, instead of actually breathing in every moment, and applying what I've discovered within myself, step by step, and living and breathing self responsibility, living and brewing what's best for all life, within the points I'm actually facing. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize, that my lack of self responsibility, is the lack of pushing myself, the lack of giving up all self interest, and the lack of actually committing to changing myself within the commitments I've written out.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not actually push through my points to get to the nigh gritty of what's actually within me, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to use the excuse of telling everybody my points, and "sharing" my points" when I haven't actually shared my own points with myself, but instead just have had the intent of writing in order to show other people what I'm doing, in order to create that void from facing myself, and then applying those points of self correction to my everyday life.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to thus utilize the point of pushing through my fears, my emotions, my points, and applying those self corrective statements, while learning at the same time how to share my points. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not see and realize, that within any moment I "feel" like sharing with my partner, or with anyone else, that I must take self responsibility in actually understanding the point first, and actually applying it, before even seeing that I even require to share that point.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the personality of "supporting others" when not seeing and realizing, that I must support myself first. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to thus utilize how to support myself first, without the intent of sharing it with others out of fear of facing myself, and creating that void from facing myself, to the point where I can support others, in a slow and light way initially, but then gradually building the ability to learn how to actually in fact support myself.

Day 133 - falling within losing focus on what's best

So today I have chosen to sort of be a free time day. Within this I had not actually seen the point as to why I had chosen to do this, and not find the time to write, to do chores, to do something in regards to financial situation, or to communicate more with my partner in a directive way, including those around me. So basically today was a day of accepting and allowing myself to lose focus on what's best, through simply following the blind ways of my mind, and just doing what "feels good", instead of taking a whole day of free time, to direct myself,a nd learn or discover myself in how I use my free time, and where it leads me within my mind.

The point to where I had fallen, was over eating, and masturbating. I had wanted to feed more mind energy through food, and self pleasure with abusing my body out of not even seeing where I was following my mind.

So tonight's blog will be a point of learning how to use my free time, to where I can stick with a. Consistent schedule, and also how I can continue investigating myself and applying previously made commitments, while I have free time.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use free time, within my day, as a point of following self interest and not being self directive, to the point where I had fallen into over eating, and masturbating.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that within a time of freedom to explore myself, I have always used these times to waiste, and not actually use it to take self responsibility, and discover myself within how I can use free time to do what's best for all.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have followed the patterns of - music, videogames, eating, driving, and chilling. Within this, I see that these are the points I have to change within this blog, and redefine myself to when I have free time.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define today as "free time", not seeing and realizing that this is a verification of my mind, to state that I can freely accept and allow abuse to continue, to allow myself to be limited, to allow myself to lose focus on what's best for all, and to just allow my mind to roam free.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use today as a point of self interest to over eat. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to stick to my commitment of discovering my body, and health, and how I relate to my body, and how I can build a healthy relationship with my body.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use today as to play music, as a point of wanting to feel accomplished, and good, and "heading towards being a musician" within wanting to play music all day, instead of using today to be more physically creative with building a new self, to building a better version of who I can be in times where I don't have any scheduled requirements.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use today's time to talk and drive with my "friend", and to waiste time getting cigarettes, when I could've been taking self responsibility for my life.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to non scheduled required day, to write, to investigate how I can better myself as a human, as expression, or to apply what I have written, such as getting in tune with my physical health, or going to the gym and working out, or walking outside, or eating healthier meals instead of fast food.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself, to use today as a point of spending more time with my dog, and supporting him.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to use today as an oppurtunity to call my brother and ask for the landman test book, so I could take the test to start working for my brother and get better financial support, or call Davison company to talk about my invention idea in order to potentially have opportunities in that area, or to go find manual labor.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to use today as studying desteni material, or studying cognitive behavioral therapy to where I can figure out which would be the best professional treatment to get due to my stay in the hospital.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to lose focus of what's best for all life, and to allow self interest, and the mind to guide me in the wrong path, to where I would potentially face consequences that I've accepted and allowed my mind to lead me towards. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to use all of the time I have within my life, to find better opportunities, and better ways to better myself, in order to better this world.

When and as I see myself waisting time on music, eating, chilling, driving, I stop, I breath, and I immediatly go to my room, get my journal, and write out a scheduled day as to what I should do that I see best in bettering myself, in taking self responsibility, and not losing focus on remaining stable, and self directive.

I commit myself to use my self commitments as tools to use as self responsibility in my non scheduled days, or "free time". Within this, I commit myself to start working on excersise, eating healthy, and investigating how to get in better health with my body. Also I commit myself to investigate my relationship with what I want to do financially, such as the career options I have, and spend time educating myself, in seeking out better opportunities that could support others/what's best for all.

When and as I see myself wanting to masturbate or over eat, I stop I breath, and I see that I am simply feeding energy, and must stop, and redirect the point to a self responsible schedule, of what's best for all.

Day 132 - facing points before seeing my partner this weekend

So this weekend I will be seeing my partner. She is 5 hours away in a city called Denton, where she is attending college at UNT, and I am excited to see her. Now the points I want to face now, are points I can see within myself that could come up within me when I see her - excitement, happiness, sadness, frustration.

Now within this, I'm going to write out out self forgiveness for each of these emotions I see myself potentially experience, and what to watch out for in what would trigger these emotions,

So excitement - what would usually happen in the instance of excitement, would be when I am getting close to Denton, then when I pull up to the parking garage, then when I park and get out, then when I'm walking towards her apartment, then when she opens the door, and I jump up and give her a big hug. Then I walk around with her and just want to know all that she's been doing, and then eventually it runs out, and I just experience myself as Neutral.

Happiness - happiness would be the expectation of us having a great time, and me being with My partner, and expecting everything to be fine and dandy. Whether we are cuddling, cooking together, sharing our points with eachother, going for a walk around the city, going to get groceries, going to the movies, etc.

Sadness - this is usually where the happiness and excitement bubble bursts, where I then experience something from my partner, or my environment around my partner, to where something makes me sad. For instance, we may be having sex, and then I don't feel like I'm pleasuring her enough, then we finish, and then I become sad because I feel incompetent, or feel not good enough, then I lay down and cry to her, or isolate myself, and usually I blame her for my incompetence, etc.

Frustration - the point of frustration, would be the point of me being frustrated with what I'm holding in within myself that I "can't stand" about my partner. Usually it's where I project my emotions onto her when she finds something wrong within how we are interacting, and instead of supporting myself, and thus supporting her to where we can resolve the situation, I get frustrated and blame her for the situation.



I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to let excitement exist within myself before going to see my partner.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect excitement to be a necessary experience for when going to see my partner, within the relationship to going there, almost getting there, and then arriving at her door and seeing her and hugging her. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within excitement, and not explore other ways to express myself towards my partner while going to go see/visit her.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow this limitation, within the suppression of having been away from my partner, and wanting to release that held up tension of not being able to see her, through getting excited when going to go see her.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to get excited, within the pattern of going to see my partner, and then when I leave, getting sad. So within this, I see that the point of excitement, is the polarity of sadness, where when I am receiving something of value to me that ive defined as me, I get excited, but then when I have to leave it, or lose it, I experience sadness.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the potential consequence of experience within myself through excitement, of when I see that it is getting close to me having to leave my partner, I get frustrated, sad, and where I cling onto my partner, or want to have a bunch of sex, or want to do everything that will suppress the emotion of sadness, that excitement ended up fucking me over for.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor set up consequences of negativity, and thus potential conflict within myself, through accepting and allowing excitement to exist within myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate excitement to seeing my partner, out of the idea that it's a "new experience" seeing my partner again. Within this, I forgive myself that I've placed more value towards my partner of when I see her after haven't seeing her for a while, to where I then place less value of seeing her after being around her for a while. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that this is what created inequality within my relationship to my partner, and creates a point of not being able to enjoy my partner equally as when I see her, and also when I've been around her for a while.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create the emotions of frustration with my partner, for when I am interacting with her, and communicating with her, and then after doing it repetitively, getting "tired" of being in those conversations, and then going towards blaming her and being frustrated within certain situations of communication.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to generate sadness within wanting to feed off of the experiences of suppression, and buttering up the problems, such as frustration, excitement, our sexual relationship, our problems within communicating, how we interact, and then place all of that into the emotion of sadness, and helplessness, and fear of losing those personality relationships.

When and as I see myself expressing excitement as a suppression and limited point from the problems that lie within myself, when going to see my partner, I stop, I breath, and I look at where I had suppressed which point within myself, in order to express and generate excitement within myself.

When and as I see myself defining my partner as who I am, in a personality related sense, within excitement and sadness, is stop, I breath, and I investigate the points I've defined as myself with my partner, and I forgive those points and replace the excitement with being here, in and as breath, and learning how I can express myself within the physical environment, and not on the expectation of seeing my partner.

When and as I see myself clinging to my partner, I stop, I breath, and I walk back to the point of where I had accepted and allowed myself to define my experience of excitement, to me having to cling to my partner, or smother her, and thus within this, I commit myself to investigate where I cling to my partner, where I've defined my partner as myself through fear, and where excitement and sadness and frustration underlies those definitions.

I commit myself to build an equal point within myself in relationship to my partner, as when I see or don't see her, or when I've been around her for a while, and investigate those points of inequality, in relationship to the definitions I've placed within my mind towards my partner as an unequal value.

I commit myself to investigate the points of our communication, our sexual relationship, our activities, and how all of this interconnects within my experience towards my partner, and learn how to build an equal and supportive relationship that is physically related, and not emotionally related.

Day 132 - fearing others judging me in what I share

So there was a cool point that came up in something I faced on Facebook.

I was sharing a point on how I experience myself when I eat, and how I eat fast sometimes because I'm in a rush of fear. Then a man commented denying my statement, it then asked what he saw in my post, he then said that I was only trying to get attention. This then created a reaction within me, that made me realize "hey, I do have points within myself to where I want attention with what I share" and within this realization, I reacted in fear, because I knew that I have this intent of wanting attention, even though I was simply self expressing myself in this post, I still had the intent within me, and was facing it with what this man had told me.

What this man was doing was obviously judging me, but it's a cool point to face, because all of my life, I have related myself sharing and expressing myself, in the hopes that others will accept me, when not realizing, that I'm already physically expressing myself with every breath I take, every time I sleep, every time i have sex, shit, eat. So why do I care so much about what others think of me? Is it because I feel incompetent in my own self expression? Is it because I want attention for my "personality"? The answer would be both. Within wanting to share myself, and expect a reaction, I have defined sharing as a personality trait, and as a point of wanting that personality to have an energy source, which is others approval. Therefor I feel incompetent for expressing myself, because I've accepted and allowed myself to imprison myself with wanting others approval.

This will be my next point on self forgiveness and self corrective statements.

Day 131 - my process with taking psychiatric medication and my state of health self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear taking psychiatric medication, in the fear that it will place my body in a health risk, and shorten my life expectancy.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to fear death, to fear bad health, and to fear the consequence of me requiring to take these medications.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only want to get off of my medications, because of the fear of it compromising my health and life, well being. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to fear gaining weight on the medication, and to fear what will happen to my cholesterol, prolactin levels, and being at risk of diabetes due to it's impact on my internal organs, and the amount of weight gain it causes.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to resist medication within my mind, and thus manifest within the fears of what I've accepted and allowed to have, in regards to gaining weight on medication, by wanting to over eat, by wanting to procrastinate self responsibility and just focus on how much I'm weighing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor weigh myself every morning, in the fear of gaining weight, instead of practically making a schedule to weigh myself once every other day, to monitor my weight.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that being on these medications is the consequence of what I've accepted and allowed my mind to get to, to where it's "fragile" so to speak, and generates intense emotions, and where different personalities try to express themselves at once, to where I require to have medication in order to function, walk my process within that functioning in the world, and to physically assist myself in the right direction, to where I no longer require taking these medications.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor want to risk my stability and ability to function within my world, just to simply have easier access and ability to lose weight. And stay healthier. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that I will be able to physically support myself allot easier, than I will with my mind, for the fact that the physical is much more direct and able to be stabilized, while the mind is a cluster fuck of potential consequences, that could compromise my relations, well being, and life in general, to where it wouldn't matter if I was physically "fit", because I will have to face the same damn points, and not be able to function within facing myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear gaining weight while on my medications, due to my definition of myself of being incompetent, with the weight I'm at that the medications have been a factor of bringing me to.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define being fat, as incompetent, and thus judging myself for being overweight, instead of embracing the state of my body, and simply self directing it day by day to be as healthy as possible while on my medication. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not work with the medication, and support myself with learning about health, and how I can remain stable and healthy at the same time.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define health, as a point of looking good, and a point of representing to others being healthy/attractive, instead of simply being physically functioning, where my organs are in good shape, my body fat is at a healthy state, I have sufficient muscle mass, and I'm feeling physically well.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus do unhealthy habits, with the excuse that "I'm still working my way around to where I will still look good". Thus, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not see and realize, that the whole reason why I gained the amount of weight I did, was because I had the idea that I was a "good looking boy with a high metabolism, and can eat whatever, and all the food I "want" to have, and will still look good". Within this I forgive myself for blaming the medication, instead of seeing how I have accepted and allowed myself, to take care of myself while on the medication.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not have been self aware of myself, how I relate to health, how I relate to my body, and thus in consequence, end up gaining a large amount of weight while on the medication.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not take precaution in gaining anymore weight, by investigating myself in relationship to how my body reacts to the medication, and how I physically feel on the medication. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize, that the fear of gaining weight, or my relationship with y body, will have a mental reaction to being on the medication, and requires being attended to.

When and as I see myself fearing my medication, or fearing the point of my health while on the medication, I stop, I breath, and I slow down, and investigate where I am fearing my medication, and what am I relating to that fear.

When and as I see myself seeing that I am fearing weight gain on my medication, I stop, I breath, I slow down, and I replace that fear, with the understanding of investigating myself as to what causes that fear of weight gain.

I see and realize that the main factor of what I am fearing, is my health, and that I thus require attending to my relationship with my body, with these medications, and how I take care of myself. Within this I see that my mind has been preprogrammed to fear a relationship with self awareness, and that I have used my mind to feed off of my body, within my idea of what health is, and what my well being is. I thus commit myself to investigate how I relate to my physical body, how I relate to these medications, how I can prevent health risks, and how I can be the best version of myself as a healthy human being.

Day 131 - my process with taking psychiatric medication

So there was a cool point that came up within myself this morning, which was - why am I taking psychiatric medication, and why do I require, or don't require taking it. Within this, specific fears occurred. "Maybe I don't need to because I can face my process without it, but what if I become mind possessed, or can't function in society", "I don't want to take these medications, because they have made me gain weight, and if don't want to gain more weight after in the process of losing weight" " I don't know how I should experience myself, and I don't know if these medications compromise my process".

What I have to face, is whether or not these medications are supportive or not, and if so, how I can utilize the right medications, and the right dosage, in order to assist myself physically and mentally. What else I also require considering, is how will being on these medications, determine how my future plays out, what different consequences I will face, and how will I experience myself on these medications, or without these medications?

Today I am going to the doctor, actually I'm about to leave, so this will be a cool point to discuss with him, and to see where I can look at what I should play out that would be most supportive within my physical and mental awareness currently.

Day 130 - self corrective statements and part 2 of possession due to money circumstances, and money opportunities

When and as I see myself becoming possessed by money opportunities, I stop, I breath, and I slow down, and I investigate, and see - I am here, I am not physically here out of the idea of money, but am physically here from the very breath within my body that allows me to be here. And state - I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be dictated within my experience, by money, by money opportunities, and to only intend on surviving for win and lose, and for others to suffer under my willingness to allow them to suffer, with my possession of money. When and as I see myself wanting to survive, wanting to take away from life, and to make more of what I have used to abuse life with, I stop, I breath, slow down, and is go for a walk, see where I'm abusing, see what I've allowed in my world, and I reflect, and I walk through each point I reflect on, forgive it, and stick with a commitment that brings a world that is best for all life, which means changing myself within, changing patterns, changing habits, and supporting myself in order to support others equally as the life I want to live in unlimited self expression. I see and realize that I am no better, or worse than another life, that I am in the same world, the same universe, and want the same thing, which is to live freely, to live in self physical expression, to eat, to piss and shit, to have sex, and to be physically comfortable, and experience my greatest potential as life. I commit myself to stand up for life, to take self responsibility day in and out, and to take every potential opportunity that will lift life up, and make it a reality.

I see and realize that these statements, are what will earth me back here, and to bring myself to a point of stability, and to a point of clarity.

I commit myself to use these statements, as a precaution for when I may become mind possessed, and to use these statements in order to earth myself back to a state of being self responsible, to not accept and allow any bullshit, any loose ends, or any point of self interest to remain within myself, for that any point of accepted and allowed self interest, is in fact abusive, and will go against my state of stability, and can lead to consequences that do not have to happen for me to get the fucking point of self responsibility, and self change, and doing and making this world a place that is best for all life.

When and as I see myself experiencing fear of mind possession, of open overwhelmingness of energy, I stop, breath, and simply follow what is physically here, and to NOT STOP, until I am stable, and to know that no one is going to save my ass, and that I am the only being to stop myself for real.

Within this, I see and realize that I will not have the up most support from others when in these situations, untill it am willing to let everything go, and to actually take self responsibility for my life, for my fears, for what I experience, and that I will receive what I give, which means if I give out fear, a representation of unwillingness to support myself, then I will receive a lack of support, for the fact that it simply is how the physical operates - law of attraction. I also see and realize however, that I am not alone, and that support will always be there when I allow it to be there, which means I must allow myself to support myself, and then I can equally walk with the support that is provided for me - specifically desteni.

I commit myself to thus let go of all fears when I experience an instability within myself, and to physically direct myself, until I am completely stable, and here, and THEN, once I am clear within what I am experiencing, ask for support in how I can utilize it better, and more efficiently without having the fear come up at all anymore, and where it doesn't effect me, in terms of the mind possession itself, but also the fear of the experience of mind possession/overwhelmingness.

When and as I see myself losing site of what is here, within accepting and allowing my ego, fears, and self interest to take over my head, I stop, I breath, and I slow down, and I see what is here, the purpose of it's functioning, and existence, and I focus, I do not lose that focus, and I lift up that opportunity to make it accessible for what's best for all.

Thus within this, I see and realize that I do not have to fear mind possession, and that I can clearly, and self responsibility work, and practice on focusing on what's here, what needs to be attended to, how I can change myself to make that relationship better, and to not accept and allow discouragement, or self loathing/self consciousness to take over, to where I am liable and potentially vulnerable of a mind possession point occurring within myself.

I commit myself to replace the fear of mind possession, with the upbringing, and starting point of a new journey, a journey that will lift up my life, with others life, and to be self aware as much as possible, to be attending to life as much as possible, and to not let any point of self interest prevail, and to self forgive, and self correct any point I fall in. Within this, I see and realize that this does not imply that no mind possession is possible again, but that I am more self aware of the precautions, and tools I have to apply to myself in order to not let my mind take control, but to where I, NIck, equal life, to give, and gift myself self direction, in order to give, and gift to all life.

When and as I see myself manifesting and following a path of abusing others, and of limiting others, within my own self limitation, of self interest, I stop, I breath, and I push through that self limitation, that self interest, and take the necessary steps, to where I can go back to those who require support, and to then be completely sure of myself, and to breath, and then to learn how to self express myself in relationship to those beings in my environment.

I see and realize, that I require taking self responsibility, In order to change myself and discover my self limitations, and my fears, in order to be attending my environment with unlimited self expression, within this, understanding that the only way this world will change for what's best for all, is with my dedication, and my sacrifice of self interest, and emotions, and ego, and bullshit, and that I can not change help change the world, until I understand that I require walking equally with life, and that I will only change myself, within that understanding, and that burning aspiration.

I commit myself to work on every aspect of myself, in order to change what's an issue, what's abusive, and what's self interest, and money driven within myself. Within this, I commit myself to let go of all thoughts that I have accepted and allowed myself to create out of self interest, and to change each thought step by step, and to learn every day how I can do that more effectively, while simultaneously applying myself to support that learning process and understanding of how to change myself into the best version of myself/what's best for all life.

Further self corrective statements will continue in part 3...

Day 130 - possession due to money circumstances, and money opportunities

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to become mind possessed due to money opportunities. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that money opportunities, is the minds point of it's very foundation, which is to make money, and to only make profit out of self interest, with the expense of others/survival.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear this experience, out of not completely understanding the process of getting myself out of the experience, in a quick manner. Thus within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself, to see and realize, that I require walking through the complete process of self forgiveness and self correction, in order to become stable, it to be able to be more coherent within my perspective, and in what I am, which is here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear money opportunities, out of the fear that I will allow it to get to my head/allow myself to become mind possessed. Thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not simply earth myself back to what is most important, which is what I have currently, and what is here in front of me, which is what I require supporting here, the physical, and not the mind.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of others, within my environment, and thus to initially bring forth that point towards those who give me the opportunity to experience a fulfilling equal life, and as a point of experiencing the best version of myself. Within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to have only wished worse upon others, under the expense of what I want for myself only.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only follow the idea, that I will make money off of what I do, who I talk to, what I touch, what I express. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to give up all of the excuses, all of the points of wanting to fall into my own self deception, my own self points of money, of wanting to make money, and to continue that want for control over others, and other people around me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up everything I've ever worked for in the name of self interest, in the name of what I only want for myself, and not to share that with anybody else in the world.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to resent the world for what I experience, and to thus want to make money as this point of "getting back at the world for what it's caused me to suffer through. Within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only want to allow others to suffer, in the name of my self interests, from this point of resentment, and from the point of wanting "payback"

I forgive myself for thus defining "payback" as a point of wanting to pay-back to the suffering I accepted and allowed myself to go through, and the demons, and fears within myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to let take over, and to let manifest in consequence to my unwillingness to have taken self responsibility for what I've accepted and allowed in the past.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not see and realize, that my intent, my automatic programming, has always been to resent what I accept and allow to experience within myself, and to want to pay-backtrack hat resentment, and feed that resentment with more money, not seeing and realizing that more money, is simply more suffering for others, more suffering for myself inside myself, for the fact that I would be following the only intent to pray off of others lives, like a parasite, and like a point of para-lizing my site of what is actually important in this world, which is to be the best version of my self, meaning to be the best version of what life should be in this world, and to reps resent that in order to not only build my potential and live out that potential, but to give it to others, and to support others.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself, to see and realize that I am not ready to support others, to handle money that is capable of supporting others, until I can officially commit within myself to do what's best for life with the money I have now, and with what I have in front of me, because more money used in my possession, if used before under the name of my own survival and not under the name of my life in equal to others, is only but the very foundation and core of the abuse that is manifested in this world.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to thus take every potential moment in my life I can see to a clear enough extent, and make that moment a point of supporting all life, and of supporting my environment, and supporting what is here, and not just what I want to be here in front of me to keep for myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus share self forgiveness, and write self forgiveness from the starting point of self interest, and to show others that I am forgiving myself, in the hopes within my mind to make money, and to prove something to someone else, as a way of paying back what I've accepted and allowed, and not actually GIFTING my self forgiveness, to support another, and to show another, that I am here walking with them, and that I am here going through the same journey, which is to earth myself, and to bring myself to a point of earthing others, and actually having the intent in changing this world for what's ACTUALLY BEST FOR ALL LIFE, and no exception of "well I can be comfortable in my life, make money, support a certain amount of people, and stay inside my own little bubble without fully considering the abuse and magnitude of abuse I'm accepting allowing within myself to resonate towards others".

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to thus bring myself to full self responsibility of every breath, every moment I have to lift myself up, and change myself, and to support myself in order to be the best version of myself I could possibly be.

Self corrective statements will continue in part 2...
 

Day 130 - part 2 of how I relate myself to my partner in emotions/feelings/personalities

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear discovering, and investigating my own incompetence in relationship to my partner, to where I then use the point of my partner having these pictures, to where I go into self sabotage of myself, and my points, and then project them onto my partner, and create the fear of her possibly still having emotional connections to her past relationships, and to these specific pictures she has.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus depend on my partner, to tell me how I am as a partner, and to express herself accordingly to my convenience, that would make my mind comfortable within itself, within the awareness of my own incompetence. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus control, and try to control my partner, and limit her self expression, within the point of me wanting to limit my self expression in discovering myself as self expression. Thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abuse my partner, out of my own unwillingness to take self responsibility in discovering who I am in relationship to myself, and thus my partner.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to her friends/past boyfriends/her, within the fear of expressing myself physically, or building my self expression, and freeing myself from limited self expression. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge my partner in my mind, that she wants to be with these other people instead of me, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my partner, and from others, within these judgements of them "being better than me".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have defined my relationship to my partner, in a point of "she's mine, and no one else's", without seeing or realizing the construct as to why I actually experience that within myself. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to have defined the relationship/agreement as being a partner, as "she's mine, and no one else's.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have defined my partner as "mine" due to me not feeling content with being alone, or with the possibility of me being alone. Thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone, without my partner, out of the fear that I won't be able to "live without her being mine", within the context of wanting to hold on to the personality, emotional relationship I've accepted and allowed myself to create with my partner.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor have created frustration within this point of defining my partner as "mine" within what I have accepted and allowed as personalities/emotions, and thus this frustration occurring towards her, when I see that she has pictures of old partners, or think she may have emotional connections with her past relationships. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have created the point of holding onto these personality relationships, and then when she does something out of the alignment I have created within those personality relationships, such as having pictures of her old partners, going into frustration/blaming her, and then creating potential consequences of attacking her for having these pictures, or doing something out of the personality relationship of "she is mine, no one else's".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus define my partner as "my girlfriend" within the context that she is the status quo definition of "love/my woman/my love", and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a point of her being "my love" as a point of her being my property, not seeing and realizing that I am setting myself to limit her self expression when it comes to her wanting certain pictures, or certain connections, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit my self expression as well, by having to hold on to my partner as this void from being able to feel content within myself as a living, and expressive being.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not work in simply discovering myself, and how I can relate to my partner, as physically supportive, or as physically capable of being self expressive in order to show her her potential in where she expresses herself.

Self corrective statements will continue in the last/3rd part of this blog....

Day 129 - how I relate myself to my partner in emotions/feelings/personalities

So what I've realized in when communicating with my partner via skype, or cell phone, is that there will be consistent moments of where I will feed into old personality relationships, and habits, that will seem great in the scheme of things, but then when I participate in an emotion, or personality that relates to my partner, that causes emotional distress, then I can see allot more of how it operates within communication to my partner, and how I lead to a point of wanting to control, and manipulate her with these personalities..

So now is the point to discover and face myself, through investigating the context of these behaviors, personalities, emotions, backchat, etc. to where I can finally see where the issue has lied in my relationship to my partner

Today I will start with a point that I've had for a while, and it came up while I was talking to my partner about it.

So there is a point I have of feeling incompetent within myself as a partner, to where whenever my partner mentions her old partners/relationships, I go into a defense mode, where I tell myself "I'm better than them, they we're mean, I am not good enough because she's still stuck on those relationships, and I won't ever meet up to the expectations as they will". I then go into a point of trying to control my partner eventually through this, where I will look through her pictures on fb, or Instagram, or try and find guys she's talked to, to where I'm so jealous that I have to invade her freedom of expression and way of life.

So a problem here, is that I am accepting and allowing myself to limit my own self expression as a person, to where I go and blame my partner for having expressed herself with having pictures of whatever she likes, or may not bother with because they are old, or the fact that she imminently had past relationships that were potentially the same construct as our relationship we currently have, and so for this reason, I want to limit my partners self expression, and potentially her friends/peers expressions, by getting onto there case and blaming them for talking to her, because what's going through my mind is that "she's my girlfriend, not yours, and therefor you can't talk to her or have anything to do with her".

What this usually leads to is a potential consequence of where I will attack my partner and blame her for having these pictures of her past self, or with other people. Then it will usually lead to me defending my point when my partner confronts me about it, and where I will make up all kinds of excuses to where I justify the point of invading her freedom of expression, and in reality, trying to limit her way of expression, simply because I'm too incompetent to actually face myself and my insecurities, and so therefor I project that onto my partner, and tell her that she's the problem, when I'm actually the fucking problem.




I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my partner having an emotional connection with her past/old relationships. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear her having pictures of old partners, or old friends that I then perceive within this fear, that "they are more important than me, they shouldn't be there because I should be the only one in her pictures and am the most important out of all of them".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel incompetent, and therefor attack my partner in my mind, with the notion that she shouldn't have others that she still has emotional connections with, and therefor shouldn't have pictures of them because "I'm her boyfriend/partner". Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that she is going through her own freedom of choice within her process, and that regardless of how I perceive how she experiences her emotions, or what she is doing with her pictures, I have no place in trying to control her or limit her with her self expression, or with her process. Thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to have the intent on potentially limiting my partners process, and self expression, through wanting her in my mind, to let go of those emotional connections, or get rid of those past pictures with herself, friends, and past partners. I also forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have created a limitation within what she does with her pictures, from past situations where I attacked her for having these pictures, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have attacked my partner for having these pictures.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit my own self expression, and prevent myself from accepting and embracing myself as my partners spouse, by accepting and allowing self judgement of my incompetence, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure, and to therefor attack my partner in the past, and currently in my mind, as a projection of my own insecurities.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have the feeling of guilt, for when she ended up deleting her pictures because of my want to control her, and for my actions of trying to convince her to take down her pictures. Within this, I also forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when she tells me that she took down more pictures because she "understood that I wouldn't have wanted them posted", and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to make the situation much bigger in my mind, than what it really is, and to not simply replace the situation with a practical self directive point, instead of allowing the fears, emotions, and intent to accumulate to further consequences that could possibly relate to other points within myself, or points related to my partner.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for what I experience within and as myself, in relations to incompetence, and thus the self judgement, when not seeing and realizing, that I require self directing these points, and reflecting on these points, to where I then can investigate where am I blaming my partner when I feel incompetent? What triggers these reactions and patterns when she says something, that relates to these pictures she has posted?

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to control my partner emotionally within the pattern of wanting her to not have these pictures, or to not have these emotional connections. Thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not let go of the emotional connection I have with my partner, and to not utilize myself in an alone state of mind, to where I'm alone within discovering who I am, and then within that, being able to discover who I am in relationship to my partner.

Part 2 will continue with more self forgiveness...

Day 128 - forgetting that this process is self responsibility

So I have come to the understanding, that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow patterns in my mind, to such an extent, that I had to come to the point of realization, which is that I have the tendency within myself, to fear facing myself so much, because all I've ever tried to do when I allow myself to get scared of this journy to life process, is verify my personality relationships. I have built further relationships off of personalities, and deception, that I had went into the scared mode again, but there is one thing that I have yet to let go of. I have yet to allow myself to let go of losing everyone, and within this, I have the tendency to try to tell everyone what I'm going to do to fix myself, but the funny thing is, is that I never end up doing anything, or in other instances, I'll progress to an extent, but I will still be trying to fix my problems, off of the invalid foundation, that other people HAVE to help me, or HAVE to understand where I'm coming from.

I have gone my whole life, wondering why I still make the same mistakes, and why I am so confused about myself, and it always leads to the realization of self, what I'm really doing and how I'm abusing others, but then, I go into instant self sabotage, to where I then proceed to feel the need to tell everyone that "I'm ganna do this, I'm ganna be self supportive" when not actually just fucking doing it, alone.

I realize within all of this, that I require being very careful with my communication with others, and to breath, and look into how I proceed to communicate in this way, of trying to "call for help/get saved.

Bernard and desteni itself, has taught me allot, but the thing that I always miss, is self application for real, and it seems I had to learn the hard way in order to figure out, that I can't keep trying to control everyone around me to my convenience, in order to feel better about my bullshit, and as to why I can never actually change, or ever actually get out of my mind, step out of the bubble, and forgive myself for my entire acceptances and allowances, and just embrace myself in the life I've accepted and allowed, and the people I have abused.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to forget, and not see or understand, that I require taking self responsibility and support myself for myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to convince everyone, that I need them in my life to be capable of helping myself, when I never gave myself a chance to truly help myself to begin with.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to fear taking self responsibility, and to fear helping myself, because of the fear of losing everyone and everything in the process. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to bring others down with my fears, with my lack of support and lack of willingness to support the very people who have been there to support me. Therefor, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to abuse others, in order to feel better about my own self sabotage, and to believe that I will get better, as long as I have someone to be there to lift me up, not realizing that I am inevitably going to end up abusing them, within the context of my unwillingness to truly forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into the same patterns within my personalities, and to continue blaming others through self sabotaging myself initially, to where I place and thing my problems are there fault, because "they don't want to help me, they think I'm a horrible person, so I will project that feeling onto them". Within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abuse others, and my partner, when they in reality only want what's best for me in my life, and are the ones who truly care about me. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to lose them, without being aware, that I am in reality going to push them away and lose them through blaming them, through clinging onto them, and by allowing myself to be possessed by insecurities, which is completely due to not allowing myself to simply forgive myself, for all of the abuse, and then accepting and embracing my past and abuse, but then changing myself consistently, without calling their names to aid my self destruction, and self pity and bullshit.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to always have the idea in my mind, that I have to wait for them to "love me again, to forgive me, to help me", not realizing that this is the fear that I'm going to lose them in my life, when they have proven countless times to me that they were always there to support me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to forget who I am within this world when thinking of spending my whole day, just trying to please others, and my partner, hoping I won't hurt them, and that I will change myself, not seeing and realizing that I am only compromising my time to take real self responsibility, and thus potentially compromising the entire relationships that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of.

Day 127 - forgetting the reality of myself, letting go of myself, effecting my partner

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to let go of myself, and forgetting about what I require taking self responsibility for, through allowing emotions and energies in my mind to accumulate and to take manifestation.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abuse my partner, and others, simply because I chose not to take full responsibility of how I require utilizing myself within the construct of my mind, within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize how this also abuses myself, and how this hurts my relationships and my opportunities to support, and to allowing others to not be pushed away from my inability to be self responsible.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in patterns that I know are abusive, and in which I require being fully aware of how I require utilizing these patterns, within writing and within physical self application.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become scared of taking self responsibility because of the fear of losing these things, not seeing and realizing how destructive and demanding it is of my mind, which creates havoc in my life, to where I can potentially lose relationships, and myself within the process.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor make excuses within myself, that "it's not that bad" and then allowing loose ends to occurs, not realizing how consequential those loose ends are. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to lose sight of the abuse these patterns create, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to only have self interest of myself, within accepting and allowing these patterns.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only want to do something about this, when I realize that I will lose my partner, or something apart of my life. Within this, I forgive myself that I've only accepted and allowed myself to consider what I will lose, and not fully consider the abuse I am creating towards my partner, by participating in these patterns.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not change myself in the past when I had multiple opportunities, and within this, making these same mistakes, due to allowing loose ends, and allowing myself to forget why I'm doing this process of change.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not see how I am hurting my partner, through allowing these loose ends, and to where I will use excuses and pretty talk to work my way out of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only want the easy route, which is to accept and allow these patterns as myself, not seeing that I am capable of changing myself, for the betterment of myself, and for my relationship with my partner.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see how great and supportive my partner is, by allowing myself to participate in abusive patterns. Thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not see and realize, that if I were in her shoes, that I would see all of the shit that I do, and how bad it would hurt me if I were experiencing what she is experiencing from what I accept and allow.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for my mistakes, and to where I have accepted and allowed myself to project my emotions and mistakes within myself on to her, to where she has to suffer even more for what I accept and allowed as an abusive manifestation of myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only care about how my partner feels when she shows me how hurt she is by this, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make excuses, and allow myself to abuse her, until she shows it to me. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse, that "I'm doing better than before" or "I'm trying" when I am not realizing that I must do everything in my power and highest potential to utilize myself, to where I don't hurt my partner or myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to get side tracked from jobs, and money opportunities, to where I make all of my focus and importance on that one thing, to where I make the excuse that "I'm successful because of a career and money, so I don't have to be as responsible" not seeing and realizing that I require taking responsibility for all aspects of my life, to where I can support my partner in all ways. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that I am only making an excuse to abuse life, with my own self interest, and with the idea that I have power over another, being my partner, because I "am the one who is making money, with a career, so I can abuse because I am contributing in one way"

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give into habits, and patterns that are abusive, out of the idea that they should be there to please me when "I'm stressed", and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that my partner is the one who I should know is there to support me when I am stressed, and instead, I am going to these addictive patterns.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abuse my partner, because I have accepted and allowed myself to give into old patterns that I have justified as my first result, and thus not seeing and realizing that I require applying myself towards my partner to where she is there to support me, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of my partner, through using old patterns to run to, and then going to her only to abuse her.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only want to stop working within my limits of understanding, and not pushing through those limits, to see the deeper aspect of the abuse I have caused my partner, and what I am allowing within myself to continue. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my life, and thus my partners life, due to laziness of learning the context and construct of the reality of myself.