Day 139 - learning to apply writing structurally within me seeing my guitar - practicing self forgiveness and self corrective statements

I forgive myself for wanting to play guitar within the thought that it will be fun, and that I can escape reality. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to escape reality, because I want to feel better about myself. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to feel better about myself, because reality is something I've always hidden from.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from reality, because I feel vulnerable to reality, and feel like the world will never change. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like the world will never change, because I've been in a belief system of experiencing myself within surviving in this world. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to survive in this world, because I fear changing myself within this world, in order to change this world in a place that I would want for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get a physical feeling of euphoria when I see my guitar, within this, I forgive myself for getting a shockwave through my chest when I see my guitar. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get a shockwave through my chest, because I want to escape reality, and that I've programmed myself to look at the guitar every time I come in my room, so that I can escape self responsibility, from facing myself.

When and as I want to play my guitar to escape my reality, I stop, and breath, and I do something more supportive, and within this, I inhibit the act of playing guitar to escape my reality.

When and as I see myself wanting to feel better about myself in order to escape reality, I stop, I breath, and I forgive the point that I want to feel better about within myself.

When and as I see myself wanting to feel better about myself, due to reality being something I've always hidden from, I instead write out one point in my reality that I've always hidden from, and I apply myself to face that point. For example - facing "existing as sharing, out of wanting others to like me/it" within this, I commit myself to do something more supportive than playing guitar when I want to escape reality, and to move myself to support myself, into facing myself in this one point of "existing as sharing, out of wanting others to like me/it".

When and as I see myself feeling like the world will never change, out of me feeling vulnerable to the world, and out of therefor wanting to hide, I stop, I breath, and I instead stick with breathing, focusing, and applying self directive principle to what's here.

I see and realize, that I have been limited within the belief, that I have to survive within this world, in order to experience myself within good feelings. Within this, I commit myself, to redefine one good feeling that I experience, throughout my day.

I commit myself to face myself within as many moments as possible, within the construct of self forgiveness, and self corrective statements, with breathing, with focusing, and with questioning, releasing, and solving.

When and as I see myself experiencing euphoria when I see my guitar, I stop, I breath, and I instead of looking at my guitar when coming in my room one day, I look at my bed, and then the next day, look at my guitar. Within this, inhibiting the reaction to looking at my guitar when coming in my room.

When and as I see myself getting a shock wage through my chest when seeing my guitar, I stop, I breath, and I instead focus on my breath, and focus on what I am doing HERE, and thus creating a more supportive intent.

I commit myself to not look at the guitar when coming in my room every other day, within the understanding, that this will allow myself to better understand what I'm facing, and better understand, what I do to prevent self responsibility, and prevent facing myself.

Day 139 - existing within sharing, out of wanting others to like me/it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as the point of wanting to share videos, posts, comments, replies, out of the desire for likes, and out of the desire for others to think I'm a good person. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself from expressing myself within self responsibility of sharing myself for others to see, as only wanting to share out of others to think I'm a good person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to share myself with others, within the hope that I will receive a like, within the hope that I will receive multiple likes, thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to share myself within self interest of wanting others to see what I'm doing in hopes that they think there's nothing wrong with me, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to limit myself within sharing, within the fear that there's something wrong with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus feel motivated when seeing likes and comments of "positivity" on my posts  and on my shares. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself I a. Little bubble of happiness within what I share on Facebook or to others, out of the fear that I will actually have to face myself within my reality, and within my environment, and within relationship to other people. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress fears, and to suppress my relationship to myself, and to other people through wanting to share in hopes of getting likes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus judge myself within what I'm doing, and then instead of facing myself within that point for myself, I rather go into a point of thinking others will see it and like it, and think that I'm a good person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus not gift myself the ability to face myself, gift myself the ability to do better, and to gift myself the ability to work with myself, and work within releasing points, and actually being able to do this in living principled application. Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself, to be committed to living for what's best for all, and being committed to live this first, before sharing it. Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself, to share myself on Facebook, within the understanding of these principles.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus hide from my circumstances, through sharing posts. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to share posts on Facebook within the intent of projecting myself onto other people, as if they are like me, and will accept me for "who I am", without considering the consequence of this, within - showing people what I'm doing, and then not actually living, within the participation within energy towards this point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus not share within the principle of what's best to share, but instead sharing what I want to share, instead of sharing what I need to share. Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself, to limit myself physically within sharing, in terms of scheduling my vlogs, and scheduling my shares on Facebook, and within this, investigating the reactions to when I want to share, and thus changing this point of self interest within sharing, into creating a point of learning what sharing really means, and what sharing consists of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus not see and realize, that sharing is for supporting others, in seeing that I am consistent, in seeing that I am supporting self, and seeing that I am living principles. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to have created the illusion of living principles, through depending on other people emotionally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus apply my emotional dependency towards other people, towards desteni, towards more personal relationship, onto sharing, and onto applying myself to responsibilities.

Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to build confidence, through depending on others emotionally, instead of applying what I learn from them, into my life, and into myself, into what I know I can become, and know I need to become, in order to change this world. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to relate wanting to change, to self interest, instead of relating wanting to change, for a real purpose, which is, to change this world, which start with facing myself in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus not face myself fully, and applying self responsibility fully, to the point where I in fact change myself, and face myself. Within this, I see and realize, that I must face my reality, that I must face emotions, and face circumstances, and place myself in a more supportive position, out of the understanding, that I will be facing myself in these circumstances, and to understand that I must learn what it truly means to live change, and to live self responsibly.

Within this, I commit myself to apply change, in each and every way possible, by applying principles, and common sense, and a schedule for myself, and responsibility for myself, to face myself in what I've accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with, and to limit myself from changing, and facing myself in fears, and in emotions, and to face myself in relationship to this world.

Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only want what's runs, only want what's easy, instead of really standing, and actually applying change to myself, applying oppurtunity to myself, which is the real change, that will ripple through the tools I use, through the things I do, and will show what I really can become, and show my true strength. Within this, I commit myself to focus myself on things that will actually support me within my days of living, and to actually learn how to apply living in this world.

So within this, I see that I want to experience my free time, which I scheduled, but instead, I could find better things to do, and better things that can support myself before going to bed.

Watching desteni videos.
Reading others blogs.
Listening to what my buddy suggested me listen to - your wish is your command.

Within this, I see and realize, that this shows that I have the opportunity to be the best version of myself, through applying myself within self responsibility, and letting go of old perspectives, and limited thinking, but to instead always challenge myself, and to always live within doing what's best.

Day 139 - reacting in fear to the bombing situations and terrorist attacks part 2

When and as I see myself going into fear of my life being taken away, within this situation with Paris/terrorist attacks, within the context of my accepted and allowed emotions, related to situations like this, and related to the understanding that my life could be taken away and abused like others, I stop, I breath, and I walk through the point, and work with what's here, see that my environment here, is what can be used, to reflect on, and to relate that understanding that it can all be taken away, into a change within myself, to a change within my understanding of myself, which is, that I am equal to the abuse in this, world, that I am equal to the suffering in this world, and that the only way this shit is going to get fixed, is the will and purpose of changing myself.

I see and realize that these fears of something bad happening, or not happening, is the representation, that I am deluded, that I am an abuser, and that I have effected and rippled abuse within this world, and that I have been a stern participator as an abuser, and as a user of the system. Within this, I see and realize, that I must change myself, and allow myself, and push myself to face the suffering of this world, through changing myself, and changing who I've accepted and allowed myself to pretend to be, to pretend that I am happy, to pretend that I am a good person. Within this, I see and realize that I have always acted in pretending way, and have always pretended that I don't abuse, and don't contribute to the abuse.

I see and realize that I can reflect, and change myself within things that I see are not completely supportive for myself, that I can change the suppression systems, to what I've used as a coping mechanism to my emotions, and thus within this, I commit myself to process these things I'm realizing within myself, and to change them, and to work on facing change within these points, and to face the delusion, and the illusion, that I'm somehow a good person, and that I'm somehow safe within this accepted and allowed embodiment of abuse.

I commit myself to face myself within my emotions, within my fears, within my limitations, and within my accepted and allowed beliefs, and perspectives, and opinions, in order to eventually get to a point where I can face myself within what I've accepted and allowed to exist as ego, to exist as not facing myself as ego, and to not be willing to just give up the ego, and to just face myself, and to just see myself within who the fuck I really am.

I see and realize, that I have suppressed points of fear, and have suppressed points of not taking self responsibility. Thus within this, I see and realize that I, being in the feeling of contentment, is only going to last for so long, and is only going to be thought of being real for so long, and so within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in and as the point of ego, to exist within and as the point of delusion, and as the point of limitation, and as the point of being an abuser, and a user. Within this I commit myself to face myself in relationship to how I've used, how I've abused,

I commit myself to push myself to face as much as I can, throughout each and every day, and to reflect on how I experience myself towards others, and to face myself within self responsibility, and how I've accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within my own environment, and to make excuses to not face myself within my environment, and within this world that I've accepted and allowed to relate and exist within and as abusive.

Day 139 - reacting in fear to the bombing situations and terrorist attacks

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to react in fear of the terrorist attacks around the globe, within the fear that something is going to happen here in my city, to fear that martial law will happen, and my life will be taken, and my "freedom" will be taken.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize, and be self honest about, that this is the consequence I've accepted and allowed to occur in this world, and that this is practically a consequence of what the world is leading to, which is self destruction. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to not see and realize, and understand, that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience emotions, and feelings, that have been within the deep rooted understanding, that people in this world are constantly being abused, and that people in this world are constantly suffering.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus want to go into hiding, and go into worry, about this situation, instead of remaining here as breath, and here as directive principle, and face this point, and move myself within what's here, instead of expecting something bad to happen, or expecting that something bad won't happen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into fear of losing my "happiness" and fear losing that illusion of safety, which is really just an excuse not to face myself within this point of the representation on t.v of chaos happening. Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize, that chaos is happening all the time, whether or not I see it. Within this, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand, that Ihave separated  myself from everyone in this world, and even myself, that it have been in the illusion that everything is fine, and in the excuse within myself, to not fix this shit, to not fix myself, in order to change this world into a place that doesn't have to have suffering, and doesn't have to have chaos, or children starving, or people being abused, and where situations like this, don't have to happen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my father telling me that this was going on, into the point, where I wanted to go into fear, and wanted to go into resistance to facing myself within this point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus not see and realize, that this is something that was inevitable, and that it is a vital point to direct, because fact is, that I and the people around me, can die at any moment, and that this is a consequential world we live in. Thus within this, I commit myself, to continue facing this point within this blog, and getting into the deep rooted areas of myself, and fears within myself, In Relationship to this world, and to the destruction in this world, and the abuse and suffering.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to live in a happy little mind bubble, to where I have created this system of bouncing everything in this world off of me, as if it's not there, when not seeing and realizing that it all in fact is absorbed, and is only waiting to be faced, into whether my life is taken, or another's, whether my life is compromised, or another's.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience contentment within myself, not seeing and realizing that this is all limited by my environment, and that at any time, I can be faced with a situation that other people have to suffer and face. Thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from other people, as safe, when not seeing and realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deluded by this idea of safety, and be deluded by the idea that I somehow will succeed at the expense of other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus define my environment, and my relationship to my environment, as comfortable, and as something that I want to protect from other people. Thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be willing to abuse others, at the expense of my own environment, and to be willing to allow others to suffer, at the expense of my own feeling in my own mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor relate myself to others, in the experience of wanting to defend myself, in the experience of wanting to be in a position of being better than them. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to fear that so called happiness to be taken away, and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be willing to allow others to be killed, to allow others to suffer, and to allow this world to go into a point of self destruction.

Self corrective statements will be posted in part 2.

Day 139 - fearing my confidence and experience o myself being taken away

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my experience of physical confidence, as a point that I need to "protect". Within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to judge my physical confidence, as an experience that somehow is able to be "taken away". 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be realistic with myself, within the fact, that experiences and emotions are going to come up, and that it's simply my choice to direct them, and within this, I forgive mysel for accepting and allowing myself to take advantage of my physical confidence, by not usin it as a way to support myself in facing points, and instead of expecting myself to feel a certain way, I rather use directive principles to build REAL physical confidence. Thus I forgive myself for accepting an allowing myself to not allow myself to practice this confidence, throughout each experience I have, while understanding that I still have to focus on what's better than what I feel, and what's better than just a mere experience, which is how I relate to my environment, and how I can continue to face my environment, and pushing myself to take on a new challenge/facing myself, while going about it confidently.

So within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize, that physical confidence, is the meaning of what's best for all, so within this, I see that includes myself. So what best supports myself, but also, how can I ACTUALLY live in directive support for my environment. 

Within this, when and as I see myself going into a resistance to facing myself in a point, which means - what am I limiting myself within my environment, I stop, I breath, and I bring myself to what's here, and I apply myself to change, to creating a bette version of myself, which within this, incoperates real physical confidence, because physical confidence, is the ability to better support my environment, and to better get myself out of problems, whether it's physical problems, or emotional problems, which in itself relates anyways.

I commit myself to this focus on breathing more, directing myself in better stability, and to within this, giftin Marlo step by step processing, and within this, letting go of points, seeing what's here, and eating through problems, and fears, by remaining stable and considerate as much as possible.

Day 139 - discovering myself and utilizing my understanding in relationship to money, and achieving success

So the point I want to utilize in this blog, is how I can go about spending my money within my current financial situation, while giving myself the ability to work for more money, and within this, setting goals for better financial success, and pacing myself towards that financial position, within the context of being stable enough consistently to handle and face the circumstances when getting to a higher level of financial income.

So what I've discovered within myself, is that my relationship to money, how I spend money, and how I've related this to the people around me, has been way too much of a problem throughout my life, I've always been in the idea that making money was such a struggle. I thought "how do I get to a point of making allot of money?". So, within this, there's a couple of factors that fall into play within this perspective of making money, and it seemed to have been taught to me from the people around me. So let's list some of these points.

1 - I wasn't focused on myself within how I relate myself to my environment, and the people around me. I've always been in this idea that I have to beat the next guy, and win money, become famous, feel good, be better than another. So within this, I was focused on making money, within how I related myself to my environment. So within this, my perspective, and purpose was obviously screwed, because what I was going to do with money, was within the purpose of making it at the expense of another human being, and within this, I was already preprogrammed to fail, to be limited, and to not enjoy myself within my environment as equal to others.

So I've already seen what the root of the problem is within this first point, which is that, I've been preprogrammed to be limited within making money, based off of my preprogrammed design, which is to simply survive, barely get buy, and also, I've always hoped that I would become a millionaire, and hope that I would be the next movie star, or singer, or whatever big position I wanted to place myself in.

So the point to consider within myself, is how does one actually get to the point of achieving success, while still considering the current financial situation, and considering others around me at the same time? Well, it's simple, look at what's here, embrace it, work with it, and then work with that, while having the purpose, and focus of achieving success, and being the best version of myself, that I can possibly be, in order to CREATE success, which within this, one has to follow directive principles - what's best for all.

So the point I'm facing today, is a point I've created within a consequence, which is me wanting to have a gym membership at the YMCA. I noticed that I wasn't able to pay for this months membership, and so I decided to try and go to the gym, to go and see if I could cancel, but still possibly workout. So when I went to the gym, they told me that they would draft out money on the 15th, when I only had $20 on my card. So at this point, I had no other choice but to call my mom and tell her that this would occur. So I talked to her, and she was willing to put some money in my card, and within this, I decided to go and work tomorrow at my labor ready program. Within this, I considered all the possibilities that I could achieve, which was - I could make money at this labor ready program, while supporting myself with disability, and also, I can call my brother up for the test book for the land man position, then I can sign up for GIN.

So then I realized that I had to consider how much money I would be spending on my necessities, wants, and things that require to be there in order for myself to live enjoyably within this. So the points to consider here, are how I can support my mother in paying her back, which would be to work for labor ready, get the money to pay her back, and then within this, test myself to see if I can remain consistent within myself, and committed to making money. Then, once I prove myself within this, I can go get the test book for the landman position, and then sign up for GIN, and start placing myself in those circumstances, in order to have better financial success.

I see within all of this, that I require applying myself to my current circumstances, within assuring that I'm stable, and consistent, so within this, I will be investigating myself in remaining stable, applying principles - what's best for all, but keeping in mind that I have the opportunity right now to achieve great success, within the context of these principles, in order to create a world that is best for all, and to embrace myself within other peoples lives, to always reflect, and to always understand that these points can be applied by anyone, and it just takes seeing what your DESTENI is, your PURPOSE in life is, in order to achieve that success, to achieve that real happiness, and to experience  the best version of yourself

Day 139 - learning to experience myself confidently, while still walking through fears, and suppressions

When and as I see myself experiencing resistance in relationship to K, when greeting myself, and wanting to talk, I stop, I breath, and I walk through those experiences, by understanding that he is there to enjoy, to get to know, and to reflect on within reactions I have within myself.

I see and realize that confidence is a point that needs to be learned, but also applied within myself, through the principles of what is best for what is here, which as explained, what's best for what's here, is what I can do to best support myself, within what I'm doing, and how that relates to my environment, which should be the primary point of what gives myself confidence, and also to place myself in these environments more and more, to better discover myself, within how I can better support myself in being physically confident, so that I'm more prepared to face myself within any environment that comes my way.

I commit myself to practice walking through these experiences of fear, and AT&T he same time, focus on what's here, what's most supportive for what's here, whichw I thin myself, would allow me to be confident within myself. Within this, I commit myself to push through my limits, through my patterns, by applying myself to what's most supportive, and within this, actually in fact letting go of old patterns, by applying myself within my environment FOR REAL.

I commit myself to come to Starbucks everyday, and to see how I experience myself when coming to Starbucks, how it experienced myself before, and to use the principle of equality, which what I laid out as an example for what's here at Starbucks - people talking, me having the opportunity to talk to them as equals, and to see for myself how I can push through fears one by one, and how I can eventually get to the point of learning how I relate to people in public. Within this, I commit myself to take the first step within talking to people, by inviting someone I know to Starbucks, and getting to know them, seeing how I relate to them, and within this, building physical confidence, by applying myself to socializing with other people, and really learning what it means to be equal to others within socializing.

I see and realize within myself, that judging others, and the fear of others judging me, is a point of taking on, through SOCIALIZING. Lol, it's like what the fuck am I going to allow to hold me back, because I never know how I could actually see myself within communicating with others, untill I actually just get out there and do this. Within this, when and as I see myself fearing judgement towards others, and them judging me, I stop, I breath, and I walk through this point, by investigating myself in how I've accepted and allowed myself to judge others, and fear others judging me.

I commit myself to gift myself the discovery of what it means to be confident, what it means to remain for real confident, within the understanding of equality, and self directive principles, which is - supporting myself as life to walk this process, to be the best version of myself I can be, and to live that effectively and with integrity. Within this, I commit myself to walk through this point day by day, and to continue we my commitments as a point to support myself into remaining physically confident, and to do this for physical support in facing myself and this world, and to learn how I effect others, and how I'm effected by others within my environment.

Day 139 - learning to experience myself confidently, while still walking through fears, and suppressions

So today I am learning to experience confidence, what it means to be confident, and what it means to face myself within the midst of being consistent within experiencing confidence. Within this, I am going to walk through what I'm experiencing here at Starbucks.

I met a cool guy here at Starbucks, and we know eachother through a past girl I used to mess around with, so within this I'm experiencing resistance to communicate, and also resistance to face the experiences within other people talking, and how i relate to those people, and how I relate to the people around me, in terms of seeing where I've limited myself within being able to experience myself confidently.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience fear within myself, towards K, in and as the fear that he will judge me for writting. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to judge myself within how I experience myself confidently, in relationship to K.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor seperate myself in relationship to K, and to fear experiencing myself confidently, as equal to him, and to be able to express myself how I intended on expressing myself, which was to say hi to him, be grateful for his presence, and then to write my blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the point of confidence, as a relationship to positivity. Thus within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself, to see and realize, that confidence isn't something so called "positive" but that it's the most supportive way to experience myself, and to share that with others. Thus within this, if or give myself for accepting and allowing myself to, instead of facing myself when I see myself facing reactions, and to rather use confidence in myself to support that point, I allow myself to relate suppression systems to try to hold onto confidence within and as a point of self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor try to remain confident, within the point of trying to hold onto suppression systems, instead of knowing, and actually being confident, like a physical confidence, that I can face myself, that is can continue being confident, and AT&T he same time walk through these experiences. So within this, I see and realize that confidence takes practice, within allowing myself to walk through experiences, and not judge myself within those experiences, but to rather gift myself confidence, within the understanding of why it requires being confident to face myself within fears, within reactions, within points that usually have caused myself to fall in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to depend on my environment to be confident, instead of using what's most supportive in my environment to gift myself confidence, and to gift myself the ability to face myself within fears, and within reactions. So for example, what's most supportive in Starbucks, where I'm at now - people are talking, so this means people are socializing, which is somethi that shows me, that there are people equal to me here in my environment, that I could meet, that I could get to know. So what's the poi that I fear within this - I fear that it's "awkward" to just talk to people, to interact with people. Because in the system we've been taught to isolate ourselves within our own minds, what we feel, how we feel towards others, how we perceive and judge others, that this should somehow dictate all of us to be "kept to ourselves". So this is something to face within this blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear talking to other people. Within this fearing that this should dictate and limit myself from being physically confident, physically focused, and should somehow be a reason for me to not express myself within interaction, which within itself should be a responsibility for me to take on, because talking to people, is supportive, talking to people, is a way to have the oppurtunity of lifting people up. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within talking to people out of fear of judging them, fear of them judging me, and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I and other people, are supposed to judge eachother.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thin that I'm better than others, that somehow my confidence is something that should be represented to them, as something they can't be. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to thus not simply be confident, for myself, as a point to gift myself, to practically live, and not expect others to pick up on it, but to simply remain physically confident, and learn how to remain confident, as a point of being able to support myself around others, which will inevitably ripple, and allow my environment to potentially be supportive within what I'm living as.

Self corrective statements will be placed in part 2.

Day 138 - resistance and resentment towards my father part 2 Self corrective statements

When and as I see myself going into anger and resentment towards my father, and into suppressive mechanisms, to where I want to just hide, or pretend like it's not there, I stop, I breath, and I direct the point through applying one replacement point each week, to where I replace the suppression point, into a directive, and applicable point. Within this, I commit myself to replace the suppressive point from the point of fear of "he is coming in my room to yell at me or attack me emotionally in some way", to applying this self forgiveness statement, which I will write down in my notes on my phone - "I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my dad coming to yell at me or attack me emotionally when I hear him potentially coming to my bedroom, to the point that I get a shockwave in my chest, and tense up, and want to yell and attack him back from what I reacted in fear of him attacking me".

I commit myself to apply this self forgiveness statement each time my father comes back to my room, or I hear him coming back to my room.

I commit myself to unlock one point each day, as to how I try to please other people, in relationship to the fear that something is wrong with me, and to always investigate how this relates to me resenting my father, and becoming angry every time I have the experience of trying to please other people out of thinking negatively about myself. Within this, I see and realize that this will allow myself to discover who I truly am as self expression, in talking to others, in talking to my father, and in sharing with others, and being able to experience and be confident within myself without depending on the reassurance of other people.

When and as I see myself limiting myself, in blaming my father, or father figures for how I experience myself, and what I've accepted and allowed myself to become, is top, and I breath, and I instead, direct that emotion, through applying self responsibility to change myself, and to learning how to enjoy that point, without limiting myself under the relationship I've created to blaming my father within my experience of anger and resentment.

I commit myself to practice facing this point, and to take self responsibility in remaining stable and focused, within the understanding, that is can't face the entire embodiment of this point, but can rather create a system of direction within myself, through applying step by step tools, to face this point of anger and resentment, and hiding from it, in relationship to my father, and father figures. Thus within this, when and as I see myself becoming overwhelmed, while participating in self responsibilities, and being around other people, I stop, I breath, and I direct myself with finding a moment to forgive myself for the experience, until it's released, and within this, applying this as much as possible, until I can direct myself within my responsibilities more consistently and effectively.

I commit myself to direct myself in stability towards male figures in my life, and to slowly investigate my relationship with them, and to apply practical, and commonsensical respect, and application to communicating with them, in order to prevent abusive communication, and to build a supportive relationship with male figures.

I commit myself to breath, and remain here, and take self responsibility, without excuses, and without fears to define who I am.

I commit myself to discover myself in relationship to my father, and make figures, within this pattern of "hope,then relationship, then resentment" and to log this point in my notes.

I commit myself to apply myself to one point per week, of where I have defined my relationship to process, people, and myself, support systems, etc. as stable, that is really just an emotional attachment to suppressing a fear. Within this, I commit myself to open up the fear of "wanting people to like my shares and posts on Facebook", and to apply self forgiveness and self corrective statements to this fear, and how I've limited myself to be consistent within this world, and within myself. I will write this in my notes.

Day 138 - resistance and resentment towards my father

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience resistance when around my father, to where when I am around him, I want to just hide from him, and just put on a happy face and limit myself from being able to express myself openly with my father.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger and resentment towards my father, to where when I hear him coming in my room, or when I enter the house, I have this tendency to prepare myself in a suppressive state of appearance, to where I suppress the anger, and I suppress what I experience within myself towards him, to the point that I try to do everything I can to hold back from just being nasty to him, and to hold back from just yelling at him, or retaliating against him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist my father due to the anger that I have built up within myself, to where I go into backchat of positivity, to where "I'm better than him and everyone else, and it can do anything and he can't stop me because he's always been destructive, and been mean and nasty to me". Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself, based off of suppressing this anger and resentment relationship towards my father.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to please my father, and other people in my environment, within the idea that something is wrong with me, that is my fathers fault for feeling that something is wrong with me. Thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold anger and resentment towards my father, out of seeing that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression, and that this is somehow my fathers fault, for having been raised by him, and for having experienced myself negatively around him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe, that I have to live limited, under the resentment and anger that I've experienced towards my father, due to the fact that I've always accepted and allowed this point of resentment and anger to exist within myself, and shape myself, and make me who I've become. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my father, and become absolutely angry with my father, because I've seen and realized that I've become somebody who's limited, in constant fear, in constant denial, in constant suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hide and run away from this point, out of wanting to deny the experiences I've accepted and allowed within myself, and that I want to just hide and suppress all of this, because I've been so used to running away, and not facing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on male figures, to be there for me, where I want them to be apart of my life, and want myself to be apart of there's, but that when it comes down to a consistent relationship, and a consistent point of support, I fail, because I've related male figures as someone I have high hopes for to be there for me, but then when it comes to being in relationship to them, I simply resent them, and end up abusing them, and not having a healthy relationship with them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not slow down, and breath, and apply what is here, as a point of reference to slow myself down, and self direct what the problem is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect my experiences, and relationships, to be based off of the foundation that I've related towards my father, which is hope, followed by relationship, then followed by resentment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to give up, in fear that I can't face this point within myself, in fear that I will lose everyone, and fear that I will lose my support system, and family, and destenis support. Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize, that I have related my consistency to process, and to my relationships, as a definition of emotional attachment, and emotional dependcy, to remain stable, and to remain in the point of feeling stable, when not seeing and realizing, that this has all been a self deceptive mechanism to remain stable in my old approach to relationships. Within this, I commit myself to let go of this point, to look at what's here, and apply myself within self directive principles, and breathing.

SCS will follow in part 2.

Day 138 - standing in line, fearing reaction, and testing patients

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a lengthy line at the pharmacy, as negative.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to assume that others are experiencing themselves in a negative way because the line is long. Thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my negativity towards others, within what I was already experiencing within myself - worthless, incompetent, judge mental, a bad person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel uncofident about my process, and thus myself, and then fear being in a line at the pharmacy.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow the sounds, an images of other people, Limit myself from being able to stand in line at the pharmacy, in a confident maner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel in a rush, when going in line at the pharmacy, with the dea that how I'm feeling, dictates my experience while standing in line at the pharmacy.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to isolate myself from other people, and have this narsasistic experience within myself towards other people, when I walk into the store to go get in line at the pharmacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to thus isolate my experience of myself, where I want to experience positivity, and thus within this, create fear of others being negative, to where I isolate myself within myself, and separate myself from others, when going to stand in line at the pharmacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowin myself, to therefor relate these experiences, to a lengthy line with people, to where I limit myself from enjoying standing in line at the pharmacy, and enjoy the environment, and get to reflect myself from my environment effectively, and from the people around me.

When and as I see myself, isolating myself from the environment, to suppress my experiences and emotions, I stop, and breath, and I find a moment for myself to speak self forgiveness. Within this, I also commit myself to focus on my physical movement, and to let go of focusin my attention towards others, an then from this point, relate my physical existence an movement, to others around me.

When an as I see myself thinking that others are negative, or that they intend on taking away my "positive" experience, I stop, I breath, and I direct myself through focusing on what I'm doing, to what my responsibility is, and how I can support myself in the task at hand.

I commit myself to write on how I can communicate with others in a supportive way, regardless of what I'm experiencing, an investigating in depth in how I relate mysel to others, while in negative experiences, as well as positive experiences.

 

Day 138 - Dealing with anger, and resistance to change, while out and about

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry, and resist directing my emotions, an my realizations, while out and about.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to become angry when I see something in facing, and so within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to suppress facing myself throughout my day, instead of practically directing myself beforehand, and living that consistent directive principle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on other people, as a positive energy point, of wanting others to be nice to me, instead of reflecting and seeing that I am the only one to face myself within these emotions.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that directing these points of anger and resistance, will take time, and consistency, building, and applying tools and creating myself, to the point where I can be more effective in managing anger and resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to depend on my process emotionally, as a want for success, instead of practically using my ability to apply myself, through what's here, and what I require taking self responsibility for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to therefor fear failure, when not seeing and realizing, that I can always apply breathing, focusing, and reflecting, within my best ability, and that I can always bring myself back to directing my feelings of anger, and what interconnects with that anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing mysel to create anger while taking self responsibility, within the idea that I am inevitably going to abdicate self responsibility. This within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself., to have created and existence within myself, as abdicating self responsibility, self awareness, and self direction, and self management to my experience with anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to depend on others, as a emotional suppression system to not face myself, and to not work with these points of anger, which within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize, that this will and is the cause of resistance to facing myself in and as the experience of anger.

When and as I see mself resisting, I stop, I breath, and I focus on reflection to what I'm feeling, and I focus on breathing, and I do not judge myself within what I'm feeling or expressing, but direct it as much as possible, in order to manage my anger.

Day 137 - resentment and anger

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have resentment and anger, and to have defined myself as resentment and anger.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become resentful towards F when I feel he has the intention of keeping me trapped within my emotions, when not seeing and realizing, that I have all control over my emotions, and that he is simply a point that I've kept within my mind, to where I have built up anger towards him, and resentment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience anger and resentment while writing this, instead of breathing and applying self forgiveness, as a practical release.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to verify this emotion of resentment and anger, to where I have embodied it within myself, to where I have made it out to be difficult, because I've simply accumulated it within myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel anger and resentment towards f,when he comes off to me as blaming me within my perception, or trying to place myself as inferior to him when doing something.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have anger and resentment towards F, for when I was a child, he would tell me I did something wrong with a mannerism and voice that came off as negative, to where when I hear him say something that I perceive as that negative experience, I go into reaction, of wanting to retaliate in my mind, or blame him for what I'm experiencing within myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into denial of this point, through positivity, or to where I want to focus my attention towards other things, such as other people, or wanting to eat, or wanting to play music to suppress the fear and the emotion within myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame F for my experience of resentment and anger, for growing up with him durring my life, and being at a point of unconfident within myself  to where when I see that I'm starting to feel confident, I gradually start to experience an unconfident point within myself, to where I relate back to what F had told me.

Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience anger and resentment towards F, when I remember the times he told me that "you aren't doing it right, you're stupid" or where he showed aggression, and I picked it up as negative.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try and analyze my mind, without actually directing it physically, and not learning how to direct this anger and resentment towards F, and to simply let it go through self forgiveness.

When and as I see myself experiencing resentment and anger towards F, I stop and breath, and I direct myself to understanding that these emotions are from one point in my memory, that I require deconstructing, and figuring out what the reasoning is for that particular point of resentment and anger.

When and as I see myself activating resentment and the want to retaliate towards F, I stop, I breath, and I let go of the blame, I let go of the emotions, through applying to what's here, and to focus on the point in a reflecting manner, to where I can release this point of anger and resentment towards F.

I commit myself to apply myself to breathing, and focusing on what I'm doing around my responsibilities, and to let this point go.

Day 137 - fear being alone within my fears

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone within my fears.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear experiencing turmoil within myself, and then not being able to direct that inner turmoil.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be defined by inner turmoil, and fear, to where I expect myself to be comforted by other people.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have anger and resentment within myself, to where I've covered it up for so long, to the point that I've created a consequence of facing inner turmoil as resentment and anger, and allowing that turmoil to dictate how I experience myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within the consequence of my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to escelate the thoughts and emotions through blaming my environment, and blaming where I'm at, and how I feel around that environment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold back from self forgiveness, because I've always expected myself to suppress these emotional experiences, through the very pattern of wanting to be safe around others/use others as an energetic source, to not face myself here, and see the problem for myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within having had suppressive feelings and actions within myself, to where I have accepted and allowed myself to create the experience of resentment and anger within myself more and more.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to pretend to be happy, when facing these points, as a way to not face them, and to instead only verify the fears of facing resentment and anger more and more.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not face resentment and anger.

When and as I see myself going into emotional turmoil, I stop, I breath, and I direct the point with what's here, and I bring myself back to self application by forgiving all of the fears of facing myself, and I practically face myself.

I commit myself to face myself in regards to resentment and anger.

Day 137 - eating too much, and eating right before sleeping

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to eat too much, within the context of "I'm hungry, I need to eat more". Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only think I'm hungry, when not considering whether I'm actually hungry, or whether my mind is just using hunger, or wanting to eat, as a suppression system.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for eating too much, in a sort of self loathing way, to where I say "I'm a fat fuck who just wants to eat his life away, and can't stop eating". Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate eating too much, to being fat, in a negative sense, due to seeing and having this act of eating too much represent that I am only suppressing emotions, feelings, through eating.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to eat too much pizza, out of wanting to just have the experience of the flavor in my mouth, to where I want to experience sort of a release within having something in my mouth to chew on, and taste.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to eat too much when I just feel comfortable with eating too much, but then when I know I need to watch how much I'm eating, I feel stressed. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relate stress to having to watch what I'm eating, out of the idea, that not eating the amount "I want" is stressful.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not utilize myself within how much I'm eating, as a way to keep healthy, and prevent myself from causing any health problems, or excessive fat weight.

I forgive myself that I've accted and allowed myself to blame my medications for me gaining weight.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that because I've lost weight, that I can just eat as much as I want because somehow I magically won't gain it back, or that if I gain it back, I can just lose it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the experience of depression when I eat, not seeing and realizing that this is the relationship I've created to my body when it feels lathargic it over filled with food.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body with too much food, and not considering how my body will feel, or how the organs will function, or what health risks I'm putting my body in when eating such fattening foods at such an excessive amount.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not support my body with healthy foods, and a healthy amount of foods that support my body in being healthy.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to eat right before I sleep, not considering that this causes weight gain, especially if eaten at a large amount, which while tired only feeling worse physically.

Day 136 - how to apply facing myself in a practical way SCS

I commit myself to apply self responsibility to the best of my ability, and to understand, that that ability can be perfectly accessed through seeing the point, directing the point, and releasing the point, one by one, and to not allow myself to get overwhelmed by points, because I can only control so many within a day, and to instead, focus on practicing how to better direct more emotions, more effectively.

When and as I see myself judging myself as having "failed" in a conversation, I stop, I breath, and I direct myself back to here, and to focus on what's here, what can be directed, and how I can move within myself to face whatever fear is effecting me.

I see and realize that when I see a point not being applied enough, that instead of judging myself, I apply myself to do better in my physical application, and do not go into blaming others, or blaming myself.

When and as I see myself judging myself within my process, do to thinking that my mannerisms aren't right, is top, I breath, and I walk the point of what's here, I direct it, and I do not escalate it from fear of not having "the right mannerism.

I see and realize that I can practically move myself with what's here, and that no matter what I experience, I can practically do it, regardless of the experience.

When and as I see myself escalating the fears of not being able to apply self movement, application, and response-ability, is top, I breath, and I walk through the point that is hindering myself, within my reactions to what people say.

I see and realize that I can direct what I've allowed to dictate me and define myself with. Within this, I commit myself to apply myself, when and as I see myself going into my past, and dwelling.

I see and realize that sharing self forgiveness does not have to mean that I have to forgive myself within the idea that others expect me to do it effectively, but that I can build my effectiveness, and ability by supporting myself within practically focusing and looking at what details can be applied better.

I commit myself to let go of points, when they start effecting me, or when and as I see myself getting effected by points.

I see and realize, that what's here, is something that I can move myself within, and gift myself, by applying myself to enjoyment, and self responsibility.

Day 136 - how to apply facing myself in a practical way

So the main point I'm focusing on in this blog, is how I can apply self responsibility, in terms of facing my reality, and of doing things in my everyday life, and how this can coincide, in assisting and supporting myself to build consistency.

So the main point to focus on, is how do I apply myself with facing myself, without allowing the emotions or fears to dictate my response -ability, in facing each point? How can I face myself in each point, by at the same time, doing chores, playing games, playing music, exercising, socializing, playing with dog, going to the store, driving, smoking, drinking a coffee, etc.. How can I not allow myself to let myself be directed by emotions, but instead, allowing myself to be directed by response-ability?

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize, that response ability, is something that can be applied to throughout my day, while still going through experiences and emotions.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize, that emotions and experiences, are simply what they are, and that it takes time to utilize how to better face myself within experiences and emotions, by simply applying what's here, by focusing on the task at hand, and not allowing thoughts or experiences to dictate my understanding, and consistent application of applying self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with fears of "doing responsibility right" and then focusing so hard on trying to do self responsibility right, without considering, that I am inevitably not always going to do each little thing correctly, and that I am able to do what I'm able to do, and to simply be here in every breath as much as possible, and to stand within what I have to take care of within myself in relationship to my environment, without judging myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with the expectation that I have to say the "right thing" or have the "right mannerisms" when talking to people, and wanting to enjoy talking, instead of just practically talking, and breathing through the conversation, focusing on what the conversation is about, and within that conversation, seeing what's most supportive that I can apply to the conversation, and how I can be most supportive within my mannerisms, and let them flow through, and not judge myself. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within my process, when I feel that I have "failed" in a conversation, within the context of these points.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that my thoughts are "bad", where I will proceed to create knowledge that I've related to judging myself in practical responsibility.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that "I'm not going to be able to do my process, or succeed", within this, not allowing myself to practically apply self application. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within my process, through this definition of failure.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to please others with "right mannerisms", to where if I don't have a "right mannerism", that I then tell myself "I'm a failure, I can't do anything, I can't do my process. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within my process with this point.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when someone says something that triggers negativity, to where I then say to myself "I'm a failure, I can't do my process, or speak self forgiveness, or enjoy myself, or do what I require doing in my environment".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow my past, within the consequences, and experiences I've had, to dictate my ability of confidence, and ability to apply self forgiveness, and self responsibility, and enjoyment, and self application.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accumulate experiences and emotions, through judging them as "bad", to where I then escalate them, instead of practically letting them go, and focusing on what I need to move myself within what's HERE.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge my sharing of self forgiveness, from the idea that "I'm doing it wrong" or "it's not good enough". Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to practically build my self forgiveness, within focusing on the details of what I'm writing, and doing my best to get to the point more clearly, and effectively.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow one point to dictate my entire life, and experience, to where I will make it the main thing that effects me, instead of just letting it go, through self forgiveness, and self movement, and application, and knowing that what's best, is to forgive, and let go.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect something better than what's here, instead of just practically enjoying what's here, and practicing that.

Day 136 - gifting myself the ability to stand within myself

So within this blog, I am going to share my experience with going into the mental hospital, and what points I realized, and what points I have gifted myself with in terms of understanding and discovering myself.

So this past week in a half, I have been in the hospital, for multiple reasons - I was in a state of high fear of myself, and I didn't want to face myself within what it was I was experiencing, so to me this was like a big point, because to me, I thought facing myself, was this huge gigantic ability that "other destonians had, and I am not up for that because I have too many fears that dictate me, and I don't know how to stand up to them". So this was the main point, and other points that I feared facing followed - relationship issues, not knowing what to do in my circumstance, and not knowing how to face my biggest fears.

So when I entered the hospital, I was intimidated, and scared. I thought to myself "I'm here in this place, and something had is going to happen because all of these people have issues, and I'm going through issues that are this big fucking mountain, that I'm going to pretty much die in here". And from that point, I isolated myself in my room, and didn't want to be around anyone.

The more and more I just allowed myself to walk through facing myself in this consequence, I realized something within myself, but it just wouldn't spark. So at first I saw that there's people around me to talk to, I have a room to write in, there's a smoking area to do some exercises with, and there's books, a shower, and that I could move myself within these things. So I applied most to it, especially the writing, but I just didn't feel comfortable to talk to people because I was still shit scared within myself that something bad would happen.

So eventually I was moved from the yellow unit (the area with rooms and a lobby that held patients that weren't able to really function), into the green unit, which was where higher functioning people were, and which was allot more calm and less people, more freedom, etc. so after being placed in the green unit, I felt more comfortable, but it was simply out of my convenience of not being around an area where patients would get into conflict, which didn't really even happen, but it was simply an awareness. But for the most part, the freedom to go outside more, and to be in smaller groups was more comfortable, and put my mind at ease for alittle bit.

So while in the green unit, I was just doing my writing, and was talking to my family and friend, and my desteni buddy, and was doing my thing with applying what's here. Now the thing that I realized before, that didn't really settle in with me, sparked after talking to my buddy. Which was that - I have been applying myself, and dealing with all of these fears, but I just didn't know exactly what it was that was holding me back from really facing myself, which was, that I always payed so much attention to what I was thinking, what I was feeling, what I was experiencing, whether I was pleasing someone, or myself in relationship to someone, whether I was saying the right thing, and within all of this wanting everything to be "right". Then I realized, that all it takes to face myself is to be HERE. Focusing on doing everything that's HERE, and taking self responsibility for that, without all of these limitations, and useless points of trying to focus my attention on every little experience, every little movement, and to just focus on myself, in relationship to my environment, to the best of my ability, and to not push myself so fast to try to solve every fucking point, and to not create fears into fucking mountains. Because fears are simply fears, and experiences are simply experiences. It doesn't have to dictate who I am, and who I know I am in this moment, which is - confident, knowing what's best, and knowing hat I can apply what's best.

It's empowering to know that all it took was seeing that focusing on what's here, isn't scary, it's actually something I can enjoy, and continue my life with, and share with others. And I want to thank desteni, and everyone who has shared their experiences, their support,  their points, their application to this world and what's best for this world. It's truly something that everyone can embrace, and is something that I will continue to apply and embrace, untill I'm unstoppable with my experiences, my thinking, anything I've been taught, told I couldn't do, and have been limited by all together.

The next blog will be on how I will be applying all of this within myself.

Day 135 - discovering myself within how sex, and backchat create consequences with me in relationship to my partner SCS

When and as I see myself creating the point of wanting to have sex with my partner, I stop, I breath, and I walk through the reactions, the physical experience, and how I accepted and allowed myself to want to have sex with her within and as the point of wanting to release and lose myself from the emotional, and fear points within myself.

I see and realize that wanting to have sex with my partner, is a point of only wanting to provoke fears, and lose myself within not wanting to face the fears, through and as wanting to control my partner, and release those points towards her, in order to feel better for a moment. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to investigate how I can discover a different way of having sex with my partner, and in making it a physical relationship.

When and as I see myself not allowing myself to investigate myself within and as discovering how I've accepted and allowed myself to relate myself to my partner, through blaming my partner within the point of not liking the way I look, and then wanting to verify that through sex, I stop, I breath, and I walk through the point as to why I relate my personality point of wanting to look good, with her, and how I verify that through sex with my partner.

When and as I see myself blaming my partner for confronting me on a point, or see she is being effected by my consequence of not taking self responsibility, within the context of me fearing her of reacting a certain way/paranoid of her blaming me, I stop, I breath, and I see that I am the only one who is allowing the problem and the consequence, and the fact that I am blaming her for how she reacts, is only my fear of losing her within that personality point and relationship I've accepted and allowed towards her, win this, I thus commit myself to walk through every personality, and reaction I have towards my partner, and to see where I react, and how I can support myself best, to support her within her process.

Day 135 - discovering myself within how sex, and backchat create consequences with me in relationship to my partner

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have participated in clear points that where energy participations of the mind, and to where I knew it was going to lead into a consequence, but instead of slowing myself down and writing out the point, I participated in the positive, or negative point of energy participation. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize, and see, that the point of sex with my partner, is a major aspect of why I tend to lose myself within stability.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in sex with my partner, to not face the fears within myself and in and as the point of wanting to release the "stress" "fears" onto my partner and to where I only provoke the fears through validating them through sex with my partner. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that this is a dangerous point of participating in, to where I "lose myself" through sex, and to where afterwards, I literally end up losing myself, and not being able to stop or stabilize myself within what I have used to release those fears using my partner, and to where I had created that opening of instability, within the desires, the positivity, the high, and to where I didn't allow myself to be self honest within why I was having sex or wanting to release these energetic highs.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not have practically slowed down, and to investigate what had caused myself to lead to that want to release my fears and ego through sex. Within this, I commit myself to further investigate the construct of what I allow to lead myself to points of high energetic points, in order to only momentarily suppress the negative points.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience incompetence within how I look physically and where I will go to my partner for reassurance of how I defined myself as incompetence, through having se with her, and releasing that through sex to verify how I've related myself to my partner through my self definition of incompetence.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place blame on my partner through what I've defined in myself as incompetent, to where I want to control her, or force my shit into her to where I can feel better. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define incompetence, as something my partner has to do with, to where I place her in my mind, as if she is telling me or implying to me that I'm incompetent about my physical appearance.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to get the experience in my penis of "arousal" when I see that I want to release the point within my mind towards my partner of feeling incompetent through sex/masturbation.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for my emotional points that I face, and thus go into reaction to wanting a positive high sort of gratification within myself through wanting to have sex with her, and loosing myself further through the act, and then eventually experiencing myself get out of hand with how I'm feeling. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place myself within and as the context of "better" than my partner, and thus follow my ego within having sex with my partner, or getting her attention through sex, and wanting that gratification in order to try and verify the personality relationship with my partner, as me being "better" than her.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try and place her problems or points as "my problems/points" and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize, that I am only placing fear and provoking fear within the excuse that "her "feeling" is a personal attack against me" and her problems are therefor my problems. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear her blaming me for my points, my consequences, when not seeing and realizing that I am abdicating my problems/points through blaming her for blaming me, or trying to hurt me. Thus, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that this is a reflection of the abuse and problems I've accepted and allowed to exist within myself, and is a point of me seeing that I am lacking support for myself, and don't see how that comes off as not being able to support my partner, to where I thus face the consequence of her confronting me in the point.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that I require taking self responsibility for my reactions towards my partner, and to see how it effects her when I go into reaction, and how I can build a physical relationship, of responding within what's best for all/her, and myself instead of remaining in fear of her blaming me, or judging me, when not seeing and realizing that this is all a reflection of myself, and what I see within myself and how I actually have within my back chat relationship towards her.

Day 135 - discovering how to stop myself when I experience things getting out of hand part 1

So while being here in Denton with my partner, I have experienced some out of hand moments, or where I found it very difficult to stop myself within emotional turmoil/possession. The points I've found is that I have a tendency to go into this out of hand experience point, within losing myself in certain energy participations, or when I didn't stop myself within an energy participation, or point of fear before hand, that could've been directed before the problem occurred, where I had seen things get out of hand.

The point to discover is what fears I have in taking certain measures within stopping myself within the environment I'm around here in Denton, and the fact of being just here with my partner out of my town midland, so therefor I see I'm not really in my minds comfort zone, so that is obviously a factor as well, as to why it can seem harder to stop myself, or generate less experienced fears that accumulate the points that I find difficult to stop I certain situations.

I see that the main point, is pushing through the fear of writting/confronting the fears, when I see myself in a state of "getting out of hand", and within this I see that it is simply the fear of allowing it to get out of hand, from past experiences of when I did let it get out of hand, and therefor the point to discover is where I can direct myself in seeing clearly what I'm facing, and how I go about facing it without the fear of things getting out of hand, through self forgiveness.

I have applied doing physical things, and my partner has been supporting me with doing physical activities - cooking, walking, going places with her, and today we are going to exercise, so a vital point is to not ponder the thought and fear of losing myself, and to remain stable or directive through doing physical activity to see and earth myself with what's here.

I see that when I go into these points of fear of things getting out of hand, I also have a tendency to project those fears onto others, specifically my partner, from the starting point of having relied on them, through  abdicating self responsibility, or having gone towards a supportive path within making sure I remained stable. This is a point to see where I can replace the point of projecting my fears onto my partner, into the point of investigating what works for me physically, how I have investigated and confronted the fear, and then working out a supportive conversation with my partner, on how I can better direct myself, within what I've seen and assessed within myself.

Day 134 - irritation with my partner, out of the consequence of provoking fear within myself part 2

When and as I see myself abdicating self responsibility, to the point to where I end up provoking fear within myself within facing a point, instead of sitting down and facing it/writing it out through SF SCS, I stop, I breath, and I bring myself to the tablet, or journal, and I start to forgive the fears, forgive the point of self abdication, and I start to face the point, by letting go off erythema as to why I followed the fear to begin with.

When and as I see myself wanting to share what I am feeling, as a self sabotaging point, with my girlfriend, or with others, or someone else, within the consequence of thus setting myself up to place others in a position of fear, and thus not actually supporting anyone through allowing myself to self sabotage, I stop, I breath, and I instead of sharing, immediately go to writing SF SCS, and do not what so ever allow myself to share how I'm feeling with anyone, with my partner, or desteni, and to only share the points I've found out for myself, and know officially that I have corrected and understood, in order to receive support in how I can see the points better, and change myself and face myself better. Within this, I see and realize that I self honestly cannot share points with my partner, or anyone outside of desteni who are my buddy, until I for sure am certain that I will be supporting myself, and not abdicating self responsibility, or placing the other in a position of fear, or in a position of being abused by me within me self sabotaging myself through sharing my points.

I commit myself to never share my points individually, or on my fb page, with anyone, unless it's absolutely vital, and I require actually getting support to see where I can face myself in a more effective way, in seeing where I am missing something, and only discussing this with the forum, or my buddy, and when seeing the time is right, with my partner.

I see and realize that I cannot vent to my partner, and that I must in fact have assessed and investigated, and forgiven and corrected the point myself, before ever discussing it with my partner, under the principles that I am not self sabotaging, or trying to create a void in telling her my points. Thus within this, when and as I see myself, self sabotaging, and blaming my partner for telling me the truth and confronting me about the point, or what I'm not seeing, and I get a reaction of defending my feeling, or the fear, within the context of where I want her to tell me "it will be ok, sweetie, I love you" I immediately stop, breath, and state self forgiveness - "I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not see and realize, that the reason why I am not willing to receive support from my partner, is because I am not willing to face what she's telling me, and apply it through self forgiveness, and be self honest, within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to self sabotage, and excuse the fear and points, and blame her for supporting me with facts and truth, instead of embracing the truth, and facing myself within what she's telling me, or face the reactions to what she's telling me" " I commit myself to face myself in my reactions to what she's telling me, or what she's expressing to me, and to not what so ever blame her, or even try to support her or say anything further past the point of what I'm already experiencing myself within these fears and self sabotaging and blaming points"

I commit myself to apply these statements when in the experience of self sabotaging, and placing my partner, or anyone else, in a position of fear or abuse, to where I want a convenient pep talk, and to apply these statements, within the understanding that if I'm reacting in fear, or positivity, that I have a big problem required facing, and must face it immediately, and not further escalate the experience of self sabotage and projecting my emotions onto her, or blaming her.

When and as I see myself resenting my partner, due to the point of not letting go of wanting to control her within wanting her to butter up my points to where I don't have to face the fact that I'm abusing her and trying to place my shit onto her through me self sabotaging myself within what I'm facing, and thus potentially further compromising me receiving support from her, and her being able to support me, due to my unwillingness to support myself, I stop, and breath, and I immediately look at the point as to where I have accepted and allowed to project my points and fears onto her, to where I had not thus listened to what she was confronting me about that I was accepting and allowing, and I reflect that point of resent back onto myself within the understanding that I am the one who accepted and allowed the reaction of self sabotage, and wanting her to treat me within my convenience, because I feel incompetent of facing myself. Within this, I see and realize that resentment towards my partner out of her confronting me about a point, or her telling me how she feels with what I'm doing to her, is simply my excuse to not take self responsibility in my position of accepted and allowed abuse, and accepted and allowed fears, and points, and self interest. Within this, I see and realize that I thus am only projecting this onto her, when she confronts me about how she feels and experiences herself in the situation of me self sabotaging myself and venting fears to her to make her fear supporting me, due to me not being willing to support myself.

I commit myself to thus make sure, make CERTAIN, that I am in fact supporting myself, before going to my partner to share points, and that there is no room for self sabotage, to where I can lead up to the point of resentment, or blame, within the understanding of doing this, so that I do not further participate in this pattern to where I resent her, to where I self sabotage myself, vent to her, provoke fear towards her, compromise our relationship of support, blame her for her confronting me about how I'm abusing her, me seeing her expression of her being abused, and then the resent.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself, to see and realize, that seeing my partner aggravated, or upset with me, is actually me, it is a representation of what I've accepted and allowed to place onto her, and is in fact me, and that me resenting her for how she is expressing, in fact is me seeing where I've abused her, and where I've abused and compromised our relationship, and thus to resent, or to blame, is in fact only an excuse to not face myself within the acceptance and allowance of old patterns manifesting, and that her expression, is the result of what I'm accepting and allowing to occur between us, and is in fact a manifestation of what's inside of me, and is me.

When and as I see myself judging my partners expression, as if she's doing it for no reason, or just to hurt me, within the fact that I am blaming her and self sabotaging myself to not face my reactions and consequences to why she is expressing herself that way, I stop, I breath, and I understand that I am in fact what she's expressing, that me reacting and feeling what she is feeling, is in fact a result of what I've accepted and allowed to participate, and create. Thus within this, I see and realize that I cannot blame my partner for how she expresses herself, nor control it, and that I can only see within myself where I am reacting, and where my points relate to the reason of her expressing herself a certain way.

When and as I see myself judging my partner as "not supportive", out of the point of me actually wanting to impress her as how I'm supposedly "more supportive" within the fact that I'm too shit scared of actually being supportive for myself, within facing my shit, and the real abuse I've accepted and allowed, I stop, I breath, and I reflect back on how I've accepted and allowed myself to try to impress everyone, how I've made myself out to be in supporting others, when I never even gave myself the chance to be IN FACT supportive for myself. Within this, I see and realize that I am not ready to support others to the extent of giving them advice, and must utilize how I can stay quiet and simply talk, and walk with my partner, without trying to give her advice, or force support of advice on her, to where I make certain that I am supporting myself first, and initially.

When and as I see myself just self sabotaging myself with sharing my points with others, and expect sting others to know about my process, and not actually write it out for myself to see, and then actually face the point head on, and then apply principles of what's best for all life/what's most supportive for myself, and living that out, and then blaming others for when the confront me about it, such as confronting me about me making excuses to not take self responsibility, I stop, I breath, and I thus commit myself to stopping the point of sharing freely my points, and to for now keep them to myself, and actually use this point of keeping it to myself, to not further accumulate new patterns, but to actually use it, in order to apply principles, and face myself. Within this, I understand that keeping my points to myself, means that I will not share points when I just feel like freely sharing them, for the fact that this point of self abdication is so deep rooted, and thus automatic, and must be taken precaution to not freely share points, and as stated, to only share them with my buddy and the forum ONCE investigated, and only if needed help with facing the point in a practical way, and a more effective way, or if it's vital to talk to the forum or my buddy.

I commit myself to push myself within the understanding of facing my points in the perspective that it's vital as fuck that they are eradicated, because they are abusive, they can create consequences that I do not want to create, and that I am potentially facing hard, and deep rooted points that require attending consistently, intensely, and with integrity, in order to get myself out of my own accepted and allowed limited, consequential shit hole of a mess.

I commit myself to first and foremost, make sure I push myself through every sf statement and every SCS, and then sharing it with my buddy or the forum, to make sure that when I face a point, that the buddy or forum requires assisting me with, then they will be there to support me to push within the right understanding of what I missed before, and to have the valid perspective, in order to face the nitty griddy shit, and to get through it for real.

Day 134 - irritation with my partner, out of the consequence of provoking fear within myself

So this is a point I am facing within and as irritation with my partner, blaming my partner, and having generated this feeling within the excuses of not allowing myself to see where I have provoked fear within myself.

So it all started at the point of seeing that I was over eating, and where I was not taking self responsibility in controlling myself from over eating. I had seen within myself that I was facing a point within taking my medication, and so I ended up going into fear of the appetite increase that the medication has been giving me. Within this, I had also seen, that I had the fear of what would happen if I took myself off of my medication due to not wanting the appetite increase, or the potential consequence of gaining weight while taking the medication.

I ended up going into a point of, "I need to find out how I can suppress my appetite, how I can get help so that I don't gain weight, within this, not seeing and realizing that I was actually provoking fear within myself, to where I had abdicated self responsibility, and not had actually slowed down, sat down, and written out as to why I was feeling hungry on the medication, and forgiving the points of having over eaten, and seeing the specifics of where I have accepted and allowed myself to had over eaten in my past, while on or off medication.

So I ended up finding the tendency, to go on forums, and ask how I could suppress my appetite, or prevent myself from gaining weight. Within this, I had decided to also call my partner, or tell her about what I was struggling with. Now telling her about my issue in itself wasn't invalid, or mis directive in a general sense, but how I accepted and allowed myself to create the starting point of fear within telling her, provoked a consequence of become irritated with her, and blaming her for her saying certain things that I within my mind took as a personal attack, when really she was just trying to support me.

Now the points to investigate and utilize, are to see where I had fallen into fear of my medication, to where I then wanted to share it with my partner, and then to where I blamed her for when she was simply confronting me and telling me the truth about what I was experiencing, and also seeing where I had felt as if she was being unsupportive, or where I judged her words as an attack, or trying to put me down, when I in fact accepted and allowed myself to take her words personally, because I already limited myself with fear, and thus projected myself onto her as her trying to limit me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have provoked and generated fear within myself, to where I was simply facing a point about my medication, and to where I had used that point, to create fear of facing it, and went into reaction of "what if I gain weight on my medication", "I need to get off of it", "what if my relationships are compromised and I can't deal with my health and my relationships". Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to have written out the fears, and to have utilized them, and correct myself and set up a plan as to how I will further support myself with these points while on the medication.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to have realized, that the very reason I spiraled into fear, was because I was not allowing myself to self direct myself throughout the day beforehand, and that in consequence, I allow fear to generate within facing this point, for the fact that I wasn't allowing myself to focus, due to abdicating self responsibility before hand.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have thus not further taken the time to investigate the points in relationship to my medication, and the fears I had, or have been self honest with myself and pushed to see where the points lied in alignment to my relationship with health, medication, and my relationships.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have instead of investigating my fears first, instead shared my fears on forums, and with my partner, to where I had created a starting point to where I would not have accepted support, for the fact that I was self sabotaging myself to begin with, in relationship to facing myself with my relationship with medication, and with facing myself with gaining weight, and the initial concern for my health.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have thus brought these fears to my partner, and made excuses to have these fears, and then share them with her, without having investigated them beforehand, and facing them myself, and then actually sharing with her what I had found, and what I could correct within these points with my medication, and the fears I was facing in relationship to the medication, and gaining weight/over eating.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have used my partner, as an energy source of venting, instead of participating with sharing with her, what I've realized within myself, and what I have discovered about my points. Within this, I thus forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have expected her to give me a convenient attitude, to where I expect her to tell me "it's ok, you will be fine" instead of facing the fact that she was simply telling me the truth, and confronting me about the fact that I was making excuses and placing her in an uncomfortable position within me provoking fear, and me wanting to vent to her my fear. Within this, I thus forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame her for supporting me/telling me the truth, and not instead allowing myself to breath, and assess the situation as to why I was accepting and allowing myself to remain and fear, and what position I placed her in when telling her my fears/points, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to self sabotage myself while she was trying to support me, and then just telling her excuses about how I was feeling, instead of actually just listening, and allowing myself to learn from what she was telling me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus hold resentment towards her, from the point of her not giving into my self sabotage, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to potentially abuse her within communication, and compromise my support from her, for the fact that I was compromising my own process to begin with.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus fear having faced myself within this situation of her confronting me, to where I didn't want to give up the personality relationship I've placed value on in relationship to my partner, and to where I wanted to go and feed off of suppressing the emotion, through feeding and continuing to feed the fear of wanting to figure out how I could control her, to where she would potentially give into my shit, or to where I would continue living in the pattern of abusing her in this way, to where I compromise her support, and my ability to receive support from her.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus judge her as "not supportive" within the sense that "she doesn't know how to support me", when not seeing and realizing that I in fact am not willing to receive support from her, because I'm too shit scared to support myself. Thus within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself, to see and realize, that I have actually suppressed my emotions, and in facing myself, and seeing the abuse in where I blame my partner for "not being supportive" through trying to tell her or show her how "I'm being supportive". Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not see and realize, that I have sabotaged my support systems, with not only my partner, but with others, out of trying to impress them with how "I'm being supportive".

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself, to see and realize, that I have used this defense mechanism of others not being supportive, and me being "the most supportive" out of the fear of actually being more supportive and capable of being more supportive, than I allow myself to be, and thus in return, blaming others for when I don't feel convenienced for when I go to them and self sabotage myself in talking about the points and fears I'm facing, instead of just fucking facing them and taking self responsibility for the fears I'm facing. Which means, stating self forgiveness, self corrective statements, and applying those principles, without the expectation that others will know about it. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to fear actually standing for what's best for life, and applying tools, and what I discover within myself, and living that out in self application, and thus instead, just writing it out, and then just telling everybody what I'm facing and not doing anything about it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus fear facing myself, and actually taking self responsibility, within facing the point of actually stopping patterns of self interest, and actually thus being willing to face the real shit within myself, and facing the real points that I require facing, and seeing where I can actually see the full hardcore truth about my own mind. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to fear my own truth, to fear my own mind, and to fear my own abuse, to fear my own details of my mind, to fear my bullshit, how I interact with others, how I've self deceived myself in delusion. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus butter everything up just to be able to function within my own delusion, instead of actually breathing in every moment, and applying what I've discovered within myself, step by step, and living and breathing self responsibility, living and brewing what's best for all life, within the points I'm actually facing. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize, that my lack of self responsibility, is the lack of pushing myself, the lack of giving up all self interest, and the lack of actually committing to changing myself within the commitments I've written out.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not actually push through my points to get to the nigh gritty of what's actually within me, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to use the excuse of telling everybody my points, and "sharing" my points" when I haven't actually shared my own points with myself, but instead just have had the intent of writing in order to show other people what I'm doing, in order to create that void from facing myself, and then applying those points of self correction to my everyday life.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to thus utilize the point of pushing through my fears, my emotions, my points, and applying those self corrective statements, while learning at the same time how to share my points. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not see and realize, that within any moment I "feel" like sharing with my partner, or with anyone else, that I must take self responsibility in actually understanding the point first, and actually applying it, before even seeing that I even require to share that point.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the personality of "supporting others" when not seeing and realizing, that I must support myself first. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to thus utilize how to support myself first, without the intent of sharing it with others out of fear of facing myself, and creating that void from facing myself, to the point where I can support others, in a slow and light way initially, but then gradually building the ability to learn how to actually in fact support myself.