So within this blog, I am going to share my experience with going into the mental hospital, and what points I realized, and what points I have gifted myself with in terms of understanding and discovering myself.
So this past week in a half, I have been in the hospital, for multiple reasons - I was in a state of high fear of myself, and I didn't want to face myself within what it was I was experiencing, so to me this was like a big point, because to me, I thought facing myself, was this huge gigantic ability that "other destonians had, and I am not up for that because I have too many fears that dictate me, and I don't know how to stand up to them". So this was the main point, and other points that I feared facing followed - relationship issues, not knowing what to do in my circumstance, and not knowing how to face my biggest fears.
So when I entered the hospital, I was intimidated, and scared. I thought to myself "I'm here in this place, and something had is going to happen because all of these people have issues, and I'm going through issues that are this big fucking mountain, that I'm going to pretty much die in here". And from that point, I isolated myself in my room, and didn't want to be around anyone.
The more and more I just allowed myself to walk through facing myself in this consequence, I realized something within myself, but it just wouldn't spark. So at first I saw that there's people around me to talk to, I have a room to write in, there's a smoking area to do some exercises with, and there's books, a shower, and that I could move myself within these things. So I applied most to it, especially the writing, but I just didn't feel comfortable to talk to people because I was still shit scared within myself that something bad would happen.
So eventually I was moved from the yellow unit (the area with rooms and a lobby that held patients that weren't able to really function), into the green unit, which was where higher functioning people were, and which was allot more calm and less people, more freedom, etc. so after being placed in the green unit, I felt more comfortable, but it was simply out of my convenience of not being around an area where patients would get into conflict, which didn't really even happen, but it was simply an awareness. But for the most part, the freedom to go outside more, and to be in smaller groups was more comfortable, and put my mind at ease for alittle bit.
So while in the green unit, I was just doing my writing, and was talking to my family and friend, and my desteni buddy, and was doing my thing with applying what's here. Now the thing that I realized before, that didn't really settle in with me, sparked after talking to my buddy. Which was that - I have been applying myself, and dealing with all of these fears, but I just didn't know exactly what it was that was holding me back from really facing myself, which was, that I always payed so much attention to what I was thinking, what I was feeling, what I was experiencing, whether I was pleasing someone, or myself in relationship to someone, whether I was saying the right thing, and within all of this wanting everything to be "right". Then I realized, that all it takes to face myself is to be HERE. Focusing on doing everything that's HERE, and taking self responsibility for that, without all of these limitations, and useless points of trying to focus my attention on every little experience, every little movement, and to just focus on myself, in relationship to my environment, to the best of my ability, and to not push myself so fast to try to solve every fucking point, and to not create fears into fucking mountains. Because fears are simply fears, and experiences are simply experiences. It doesn't have to dictate who I am, and who I know I am in this moment, which is - confident, knowing what's best, and knowing hat I can apply what's best.
It's empowering to know that all it took was seeing that focusing on what's here, isn't scary, it's actually something I can enjoy, and continue my life with, and share with others. And I want to thank desteni, and everyone who has shared their experiences, their support, their points, their application to this world and what's best for this world. It's truly something that everyone can embrace, and is something that I will continue to apply and embrace, untill I'm unstoppable with my experiences, my thinking, anything I've been taught, told I couldn't do, and have been limited by all together.
The next blog will be on how I will be applying all of this within myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment