Day 8 - allowing my mind to accumulate further, and almost being in favor

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, that when I wake up, I will be cam, and then when I trigger certain patterns, I allow these patterns to trigger further without writining, out, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have the notion, that I 'must' write once I've accumulated the patterns to a more overwehlming point, therefor is fear driven pattern being the cause of why I have the notion of 'must' write, because I've already accepted and allowed my self to create diversit within the process of writing. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus create the fears and accumulated energy when I'm writing, for this cause from the accumulated fears before. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, and understand that all of these fears I'm accepting and allowing to accumulate, are but me trying to gain attention from my environment through the patterns of wha I've accepted and allowed to accumulate from the very foundation that I've accepted and allowed my relation to my environment be diverse, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create some form of accumulation within all forms of relationships, and not have them as momentary expressions, but instead always have to implement some sort of diverse position. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not compare sleeping to when I am awake, where when I'm sleeping, I experience how I really am awake, and this it is a good point to write once I wake up, especially when I have intense dreams (when I take melatonin they're much more intense), s I can open myself up to more dishonest points within my programming, and unlock these points an bring myself further grounded here, away from accumulated concious fear patterns. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to suppress these ear patterns through going and doing something else, as a way of distracting myself from self honesty, and therefor only making myself much more potentially vulnerable to accepting these fear patterns, and thus accumulating them in relation to the physical, and then preventing myself to slow down and breath within the moment I'm experiencing. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate fears within my enjoyments and responsibilities, where I will not breath within my art, and enjoy the music I'm playing, but instead accumulate fear, and then begin categorizing everything, and then almost missing the whole point of what it means to play music, as well with writing, where I will be writing, it is all cool, and then I will somehow have to create this fear, which all of this deriving from a fear of losing, the competition, because after all I'm creating polarity within my mind as I'm expressing, which therefor I limit myself from actually enjoying the moment I thin writing, and therefor accepted and allowed myself to accumulate the feelings, and cont us the patterns. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not slow down when I accumulate these patterns, and therefor as I'm writing either get in a rush to write my fears, or either begin a rush to finish. Thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by fear within writing, instead of breathing and writing the details out that are necessary within my writing, t in fact stop these patterns, and thus through stopping these patterns as fears, and to bring me back here, It requires bringing myself back here within the expression of writing, and not fearing writing, which is really just my fear driving me to justify its own existence. When I find myself creating the patterns of fears within my expressions, I will slow down firstly, I will observe myself as here in he ohysical, and I will breath while doing this, and then stop and go write, or when in circumstances of being busy, I will state self forgiveness. When I find myself diverging myself from writing, as this must thing, I will slow down, I will breath, and I will understand that this is all but from the fears accepting their accumulated energies, and thus me accepting the sterns the fears create, for I enjoy the fears, because it is what holds my self interests, it is what I have been built upon, and therefor it is where I can accumulate the same patterns which these fears manifest as who I am, and define me. When I find myself participating in the mind, in terms of actually allowing these patterns to accumulate, and accepting the energy as who I am, I will slow down, and breath, and find myself here in the physical in equal relationship within what I was already doing, and not over think it to but defend my minds fear response, but to sit down and write out the details, and understand that writing out these details should not be a way of suppressing, or confusing me, because writing, Nd stating self forgiveness is the words which represent that I'm here one and equal with my environment, and that there is no forcing, there is no tug war within what I'm experiencing, because everything is working in chemistry to keep me coexistent, as it is chemistry to write myself, and enjoy that coexistent relationship, as I coexist with all other relationships. I'm committed to not write for the sake of fear driven writing, but write as a point of self expression, and expressing myself in the physical, and find cool ways to observe how this relates to sleeping, to eating, to shifting, to excersising, to letting my animals, etc.

Day 7 - doubt I self change (part 2) - getting overwhelmed by current relationships

So today I have been opened up to a few points within my doubt of self change, but over all nothing similar accumulated, instead I found myself accumulating stress when I found myself with my my neighbor complaining to me that his dads friend had told him that me and him were in a conversation some time ago and I had told him he didn't know what the fuck he was talking about. Now immediately I felt scared and inferior, because first off this neighbor has always pin pointed almost everything I do 'wrong' and therefor when he talks down to me like this as if I'm I trouble, he reminds me of a smaller version of my dad, and so I receive the reaction. Now it wasn't as intense as usual, but clearly it accumulated to me writing this blog. Nonetheless I had told him simply that I had never talked to him, because I never Rembrandt telling his dads friend he didn't know what the fuck he was talking about, and then he told me "it was when you were building an ego over how he didn't know what the fuck he was talking about, etc. etc." and then I remembered, the very last conversations had so him, was when I started my process with desteni, and had got tense when I finally had mentioned some dishonest points within his points, which was dishonest of me because inevitably I felt tense and vulnerable to him attacking me, except usually he just interpts me and I let him say his stuff, but at this point he got very angry at me, and the last thing he said was " if you think I'm in the oil business only for money, you're wrong". S nonetheless I guess I really got to him that night for him to spread a rumor that I told him he didn't I said something derogatory towards him, which actually I very vividly remember when I mentioned the same things in the past, and he had told me that I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about. Now, the reason why I am explaining the situation of our past conversation, is because I've already figured out how I have been in relation, and what kind of characters I tend to be around, or at least who I'm mostly around, which is 'people' who only intend on manipulating me, now of course I've accepted and allowed myself to circulate this from layers of fear and supression, and trying to survive within these kind of relationships only but proves it, and this is the a good time to observe those who I need to be selective from, but it from fear, but merely more distant to not participate, or make myself vulnerable to the fear, because if this little moment made me accumulate intense fear, I can't imagine the layers upon layers that I've Ccepted and allowed with just two specific people, but this also gives me a starting point of how I relate to my animals, and also how I relate to other little things that I become in relation with.
So anyways, once he had responded to my answer, I just said the same thing, even though I know I have talked to him, but either it could've been the fear responding, or simply me just preventing any further conversation, which therefor it would be fear. I could've said "oh yes, I remember we had a conversation and he had gotten upset, but I did not respond to him this way", which I know he would either accumulate his position of talking down to me, or he would go and then when his dads friend asked, or of he just walked up and mentioned me, he would say to him "well he said he didn't say that to you" Jn a deragatory gossiping a manner, or gossiping intended, and then his dads friend would say " oh fuck yeah right etc.". Sm clearly I, explaining what happened in reaction to his aggressiveness and what he told me along with it, which this being the secrete society within my relationship to him and his dads friend, because I know what goes on behind close doors when I'm talking to the,, because it seems they've have said something bad about almost everyone but me, and therefor I accepted and allowed this as well as fear when he or his friend confronts me in this manner, along with the deminsions of my father coming up to me and talking to me with this "or else" scare tactic.
Now once this had all happened, I had walked home to finish blowing off my roof and hosing it, which I walked to this friends house to borrow and extension chord for e leaf blower, but as soon as I began walking back, I had this slight fear and shakiness in myself, as if I have been traumatized, like a small case of PTSD, and then in e I had gotten on my roof and went through breathing while walking home, that's when the thoughts started accumulating. I had remembered when my friend would always point out little things I did wrong, and say I'm stupid, or would tell me to shut the fuck up, or when I got fed up with him treating me like this, I got upset eventually and he said "you're going to get mad now", so clearly I was getting all of the inferior feelings of what I experience with this person, and it Is almost exactly, if not exactly like being with my dad. I then thought about how they are going to talk bad about me, and compared the conversation with other times I've walked in on people gossiping about me, and then suddenly I had compared this with my self change, I had told myself at this point "I can't change, I owe myself to this pattern, they're right, I am a shitty person, and then I created this confusion of what's right anymore, Nd then I started immensely resenting ever have being in relation to this person, as ever having being raised by my father, and strangely I resented his father as if his father has been attacking me, when actually his father only attacked my when I was a kid once, and then one other time, but he was actually always very nice to me, but it seemed I knew inside it was a bullshit niceness, like I could do anything out of his expectations which I knew had a short fuse, and he would completely change. Then I realized that my friend is only traumatized by his father, and was only raised by his father and I new his older brothers always dogged on him, so clearly his inherent design is e same, and I saw the same in his older brother, and his oldest brother. So I've definitely been I. Relation to these individuals very closely and for along time, and hardly ever actually enjoyed it contently.
I have realized that I have allowed myself to always survive within those who only intended on misleading me, and therefor when I see something misleading, I compare it to myself as true, and then get this huge confusion, and then everything seems harder, because if I don't survive within the aggressiveness, then I will not prove to the aggressiveness that I'm good enough for them, if they only saw how much I was nice to them, and supported them, and did this and that for them, and can prove that I am smart, etc.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a reaction of fear when in relation to my friend in all circumstances, where he will one moment be supper exuberant towards me and have this excitement, and then I trigger the fear of what makes him mad, and then will try to act under his circumstances of happiness, and then I will do something and when he gets mad at me I'm like a dog how bows his head when the owner bitches at him.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create resent within this relationship, and therefor this being an end factor to the circulating pattern that occurs when in relation to this friend, and thus when I go back around him, after he had shown me all this aggression, he might drag it on for alittle bit until it ges lighter, and then one day out of no where hell be like "oh hey what's up bro what's up what's up" and I create the goosebumps of relief that I will not get bitched at, and then get all excited.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to continue these relationships where I will try to survive under the others manipulation and deception, and therefor accumulating the relationship only worse and accepted and allowing it to effect my life.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the notion that there's 'assholes', and that people who gossip are assholes, and people who put others down are assholes, which is only but a notion that has been accumulated overtime which is a reflection of others doing to me, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify there abuse towards me as my position, through becoming fearful and letting them talk down to me, soi can feed the egos fear to go and hide and resent the,, and the I can go find reasons and people to try to understand my position of inferiority.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I had used this sort of defense mechanism towards against my father, where when he would yell at me, I would go hide in my room and watch t.v to escape, because it was too much to handle for my inarticulate mind, that I would just tell my self fuck it I'm going to go watch t.v, or go play with my puzzles and toys, and interestingly enough, when my sister has yelled at me, or anyone really has yelled at me, I go hide in my room and start watching YouTube videos.
Another point that happened between me and my father, is that he would say I'm doing something the wrong way in the owner shame manner, and would pick out anything that I was doing wrong and constantly jut bitch at me, and so when I was involved with sports, I would come in with this great fear as if I will get bitched at allot, and therefor was much less aggressive than the other kids and was hesitant within everything I did, and then would quit easily. I remember specifically I would always want to skip practices, and my parents have to actually force me to go to practices. So therefor pretty much I will create the littlest things I do, and constantly compare these things with others, or pretend in my mind as if others are proud of what I'm accomplishing, which I experienced this when the neighbor across the street came out and started moving and saw them look at me "oh they're coming out here mowing because I'm mowing and cleaning they are etc., which obviously accumulated from what I experienced from what my friend expressed towards me.=, and also within my writing have started trying to create this "oh ok good I got this much written" which I've done to some extent within everything else I've written, and then cmpsre it with the other destonians to hope that they are proud of me for writing this much.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to represent my relationships with others as I did my father, thus relating abilitiesy and skills, to how my father presented them to me.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify this relationship my whole life because my father had shown it to me, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be driven by immense failure, and thus when somebody presents forms of aggression towards me, or as if I did something "wrong" I immediately go to what ever extent of overwehlming state as if I'm a failure, and then will pretty much co predict with everything that I enjoy, and take responsibility for, and therefor once I have become consistent with it, I set myself up for this to happen, due to the very fact that I've accepted and allowed myself to set myself up through feeding energy off of my consistency, where I wake up and fee this since if happiness that I'm 'finally consistent' and can take care of myself 'now', and therefore I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the comparisons within my writing, where I have created the sensation if having to write long t make others proud of me, and therefor inevitably getting drained while writing, since I am making it much harder than what it REALly is, as our egos make everything harder than it really is.
I forgive myself hat I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize and understand that this is the very thing that has held me back throughout my life, is this illusion as if everything and me in it is going to fail. Thus like my process with my 7 year journey to life, and like playing music, and like playing a video game, or keeping the house consistently clean, because my dad or mom would say "I'm proud if you" but mostly my dad saying "you're a fucking failure and you might as well fuck yourself in the ass with your head and dig a hole in a dirt with a stick. No sides of which have made me 'work harder' but has made me overwhelm my expression with the notion that if I don't work harder I will fail, and thus realizing that this doesn't fucking work, and just give up.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor compare myself to others who have been able to be consistently responsible within their responsibilities and enjoyments, as if they're better than me, and then when I see these individuals, I look up t them and try to be the. I will create simulations in my head that I'm them, just to make myself aparantly work harder for holding their 'personality' attributes, which I've merely accepted and allowed to create these attributes in my mind as a reflection of my fears.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the future that I'm therefor going to get too overwhelmed to handle myself, and then will fail my process, thus trying to attach other 'personalities' within desteni as myself, like their attributes of talking to therefor protect myself from 'failing' my process to be able to defend those who dare to go against it or say otherwise that I should continue my process.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to create this fundamental theory surrounding my process m that I have to hold this idea within myself that someone Is punishing me with what I'm doing, and therefor I have to feed off of all of my attributes and create them as superior, and therefor everyone I become co existent with, will have this aurora to them of good or bad, or pretty much whether they will support me or not, and then the second I come around the bad ones, I immediately, or almost immediately want to give up, and therefor as with my process, I have accepted and allowed myself to create the desteni members as my 'protectors' within my process, and then those who are outside of desteni as the 'potential aggressors, and therefor separate myself inevitably from everyone, including the desteni members, because I hold this hallucination that someone will somehow attack me from exceeding my process, therefor feeling the need to succeed, suck the seed of potential expression, I have to relate it with everyone else to have them confirm what I'm doing is valid, and therefor universally the things I am going to face that will require breathing spans self forgive,ent statements, will relate to all people and relationships who I will face to write out, which having used those people as e confirmation of my success, and pretty much everything else within my life as this thing that needs to hold confirmation for me, this dependency to show who I am.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the key to in fact progress, and as a process, is to release the foundation, to release the patterns of fear, and realize that only accumulating these fears to suppress them is what's keeping the foundation of the abuse in this world alive, and is apart of the very thing that causes men to bomb countries, to wage wars, is what cause people to go through terror in streets who aremphysicsl victims to these wars, and them being raised in the system being psychologically tormented by the bombs going off, family members losing limbs around them and having slim to no chance of escaping or surviving.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame those this whole time for e abuse, and therefor open comparisons in myself, and self sabotage myself for living under those comparisons, and therefor justifying my position of abuse through creating voids of blaming others, and therefor creating the potential of feeling vulnerable to those I blame, and cycling myself through this self pity pattern of being attacked and having to show 'something' when I'm only trying to survive as a position within survival, and have justified my position through justifying my fathers position, and when I could've consciously taken care of this through self honesty, I allowed the concious fear pattern instead accumulated and take over, clearly, because now I'm paying the price of shedding so many layers of fear, and I've been at the same fucking points that relate to so many different details within me, and these details being the things that trigger within the patterns that accumulate and circulate.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify my position by looking at the world and how fucked up it is, and therefor clearly its fear driven, because I would probably be much more helpless and terrified than the people who live through wars everyday, because I've allowed myself to protect my position as a middle class kid who has to make his p fucking dad proud when going to college, and then stroking my own dick when I succeed, and then sucking on my moms tit when people put me down. I'm what you would call, one of the asshole humans, the one who only gives a fuck about himself, and could give less of a shit that there is animals apsuffering everyday, and children suffering everyday, and who has to be self righteous within his statements and help, because he must create his hell as this image, and therefor doesn't really give a fuck, just wants the payin the end, just wants the hand - job, the handy job, the demand completed and fulfilled. I tickled their fancy, now they have to suck my dick, but of course even if I don't stop finger fucking them and they kee bitching at me, ill keep doing it anyways, because I'm like a man who gets blue balls when In relationship to fucking everything. He'll I wonder why I feel the need to masturbates all the time. All my relationships are like an unstable relationship ( which I've actually exactly participated in relationships this way), which is where I will meet the girl support her, compliment her, we're both enjoying eachother, and then eventually I just want to lay down with her, and have her suck my dick, but I'm usually the one to finger fuck, because I have to make sure she is approving me of my participation in the fucking of eachother, and then when she approves, I get to jizz in where I was finger fucking, and then if she doesn't approve, and just goes to sleep, I become irritated and tired of her, and then leave and go back to fucking myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fuck myself within my process. I try to hold this position of fucking accomplishing my process, where I hold all of these comparisons, and to through the nick method - Create the (N)otion and thus the relationship, (I)nsert my ego/penis to accumulate/seduce, fuck myself and others to think its me (C)aring, and then (Kick) them and myself to the street corner when they don't pay me my pimp money, and wait for another notion to come pick me and wet my dick, because that's what I've accepted and allowed myself to be, a dick, who has to get my head rubbed in order to continue the fucking, to continue going up and down up and down, like having my highs and lows, highs and lows.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize therefor that infiltrating my dick int my process, of having to gain the attention, to have to write to feel better from the fear, therefor accumulate trying to impress etc. etc., is only but going to cause me to stay in the fundamental patterns of rushing everything, and therefor will only create potential moments that I leave cycling through the 'nick' method, the method of abuse, the method of deception to continue the abuse, and therefor deceiving my self through trying to compare myself and my process as life in general to others.

Self correction:
I'm committed to not make myself vulnerable to those who only intend on manipulating me, therefor not creating thwarting points of not creating this vulnerability to survive within my own fuckness of self manipulation, and therefor allow the whole universe to fuck, and fuck me along with it, and understand that I am after all allowing myself to be a participant within fucking, and that regardless of what its driven by, and how intense it is, I accepted and allowed myself to survive within the fucking from the get go, as allowing my father to fuck me, and then he certainly enjoyed that, and then I enjoyed him being a dick, because then he oiled show me how nice it is for him to be a dick t me, and the. I said , oooohhhh, I like this, because first you like "pick up the fucking tools!!!, and then you were all like, hey come here ok budy ok pall oh budy who's my pussy ass son who doesn't know how t do a fucking thing I tell him. Therefor I clearly have allowed myself to kee relationships like this surviving for myself to feel good for suffering, where I can go and hide in my room, and then fuck myself to sleep and then wake up the next day, and then the next day, and then the next day 'ooh I found something else that I can fuck myself' nick method time.
I'm committed to not create but a layer to accumulate my self realization points through creating this moment of jumping up and waving my hands in the air that 'yeaaah I fuckin did it bros' which but only is a reaction to these characteristics of the nick method, the fucking myself, the trying to make others proud of what I do, and that I need to somehow create this higher simulation of myself to be able to accomplish anything, and therefor the nick method comes into play quite well to accumulate this bullshit.
I'm committed to not start this chat in my head as 'phew, finally I'm getting better, as but a reaction from the fear of when I actually could keep consistency in the past, and then holding that fear S if somebody would come in and fuck it up, therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not lie within my words of self forgiveness fully, but instead manipulating my words sj positive bullshit, which thus any meaning that I produce within my words will have nothing if I continue to manipulate my process within the very things that I'm self writing. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not, see, realize, or understand that this is the defense mechenism taking place of my transcending, where I will easily give into the highs, except this time I'm not self blaming myself as much, and this time I'm actually transcending, and that transcending means that giving up your ego, is obviously going to relate with self honesty, because I've been so hoodwinked into manipulations that my ego has accumulated, and therefor the very tool that brings me back here, will consist of deceptions within the very tool, self forgiveness, self honesty. I'm committed to not confuse this as an ego, therefor justify my position if fear this way, and justify that its 'too hard' and therefor this somehow is ME talking, when really I've accepted and allowed to limit myself from relationships that could show me this more clearly, like writing, due to who, the fucking EGO! I'm committed to focus n myself therefor within my process, when I say focus on myself, I mean I focus n what I've accepted and allowed, I do NoT compare myself with others in ANY circumstances, I do not justify that I identified patterns must be valid and therefor I have the write to feel overwhelmed ( I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the sensation of feeling overwhelmed simply because the pattern that I'm facing is I recognizable), I do NOT accept and allow others to manipulate me in the old relationships, thus any form of aggression will NOT be tolerated, and if it is tolerated as me, that is me accepting and allowing the abuse, and therefor fucking myself, and fucking those whole even intend on manipulating me, because I am the one fucking allowing them to be that way, so therefor I must self change, and within that self change I do NoT create manipulations of this bullshit accomplishment, or great thing and that "oh look how sophisticated I'm fucking getting yadayadayada" when I'm not seeing, understand, and realizing that simplicity is the highest form of sophistication to the egos eye, and therefor to have myself understand this fully, I must understand that the only thing causing me to feel that things are sophisticated within my experiences, expressions etc. is because of my EGO, and I must lrt the E-nergy GO in order to express and actually physically go, and not going from the starting point of energy, not writing and explaining things from a starting point of energy, and therefor not creating my process as energy, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create that energy within this process, where I will get that sensation to but continue the pattern for tomorrow to occur again,a don't herefor limiting myself for potential self abuse and abuse towards others, because I have accepted and allowed myself to feed energy off of the fear of not being ale to write out my self forgiveness effesiently or 'articulate enough'. When I find myself creating these starting points of camparng myself to others, and this creating potential openings of being overwhelmed, or when I do get overwhelmed with fear, I breath, I slow down, and I do not accumulate through the patterns, and investigate myself as to why I'm allowing myself to accumulate the patterns, and therefor making it clearer without the influence of the pattern energy to cause me to influence my investigation with fear, and thus causing me to accumulate uncertainty and doubt within my process, for e very fact that fear creates uncertainty in doubt in those that hold it most intensely. Wen I find myself busy while being presented fear from others, I simply practice breathing, and stating self forgiveness alud, and then practicing breathing more, etc. I'm committed to not accept notions of my process in general, in regards to all living participations of details of accomplishments, thus when I find myself in circumstances of creating these details and little things to feed off of, I breath, and see, realize, and understand, that these are merely accumulative patterns that is what feeds my inherent design, and t in fact rid the inherent design, I must In Fact transcend, but this also means that I must transcend within my transcending. When I find myself with uncertainty, and self doubt in self change, I breath, find myself here, and apply myself to do what's best for myself, not for my ego, and therefor do what's best for all life.

Day 7 - doubt in self change (part 1)

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create doubt in my self change, which usually occurs the moment I begin to wake up.

 I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor hold the notion that I must go through some form of trauma to have to 'want' to write out my blogs, and that I must experience so much bullshit to like reconfirm what I'm doing is valid. I forgive myself that I've accepted and speed myself to not realize that I'm creating these random openings of hesitation simply due to the fear of his others view the world. For instance: I look at a comment on Facebook that shows somebody saying they believe in god, or somebody saying ' I don't care what others think' and then going into this rant how everyone but them is the problem, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go throu the sort of runtime where I will wake up, and depict what I'm going to have to protect myself from within the world conciousness system, or basically what I will universally run into, and then is triggering the sort of memory where I feel confused and uncertain of how to percieve anything, which this being the effect of already having uncertainty in myself, and the potential relations that are going to occur throughout my day.

 I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to in reaction to this, to go into excuses of why I shouldn't continue my process of self change: "well how I'm feeling right now towards my process must be valid, because clearly I'm experiencing this reaction, and this reaction has always told me what I'm feeling is true", when really this reaction is a feeling of apathy due to the built up stress and confusion I've accepted and allowed from my past reactions to others claiming that what I was doing was valid or invalid.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself tho therefor define what's valid by having to confirm with what someone else says, and thus this in itself is the very thing that tries to convince me that what I'm discovering within myself throu self honesty isn't real, and therefor I must create this drive of going and telling other people and presenting my self discoveries, or giving input within relation to my self realizations within what ever the topic is, and therefor trying to create a higher simulation within my own process, due to this stress and fear of someone attacking me and 'disagreeing' with my self honest explanations, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create distrust within my relationships, thus this showing that all my relationships that ever existed in my life, was a way of convincing myself to hold only distrust, which has been layered with that dishonest point, and therefor I'm merely going trough a current process of finally understanding that the relationships that actually exist in co existence to me is one and equal.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor be diverse within my process, which have I really understood what a process means? I mean, I can explain all of these reasons for why I haven't been consistent with equal relationships, but then I say "I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor be diverse within my process", when the whole time stating that, I convince myself that that diversity is real, because I'm clearly not able to fundamentally explain why it is diverse.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor compare myself to others situations of diversity. I will think about how that her destonians will look t what I'm writing, and confirm what I'm writing by liking it. I will therefor compare myself to others self abuse, and feel as if I'm the same way, and then immediately go towards the feeling of having to accomplish myself within writing, and therefor creating these openings of diversity within my writing, and therefor not fully understanding the meaning of what I'm stating, because that relationship of my self within coexistence is based on deception of myself, therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself. To continue to have this sense of trying to deceive myself while I'm writing out self forgiveness, which is but my mind creating a defense tactic for itself to survive, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create my writing process as me ending against what I'm writing, by creating these higher simulations of myself with others praising it, or me feeling better after I'm writing, therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the boredom and struggle through being able to write and self forgive consistently.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor be unequal within my breath while writing, and thus while doing anything, because I constantly try to create a higher simulation that is completely or relevant to the equal relationship, therefor I, trying to dominate that relationship in itself, to simply feed the ego, which will inevitably manipulate that relationship, and only but cause myself to create this deep end opening of losing, and therefor I only accumulate and continue the busy or potential anise that manifests from that mind energy.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor manipulate my process, through creating blame of myself within what I've accepted and allowed, and then in effect I go through the need to put myself on the deep end within my process, and therefor and manipulating the very relationship that is helping me rid that manipulated, that ego, and then manipulating the process which comes from self honesty, as the higher points of 'accomplishing my limitations' which the drive of accomplishing in itself is from the comparisons to the specific points I  apply self forgiveness towards, and creating those points that I accumulate within my mind as the reason why I'm not able to change myself, instead of simply understanding that  breathing through and self directing these accumulated points.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor procrastinate the process itself by running to self interests that are outside of writing, since Im being self honest within this point, its to Inconvient to my self interest, and therefor I have to accumulate a different pattern of abuse which I've accepted and allowed, like sex, or music, or cleaning, or any other relationship that can give me my mind feel.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor only intend on accumulating patterns of fear to help my self interest survive, as creating these monuments within the moments, so therefor instead of actually breathing, and actually living, I only intend on circulating the patterns of self abuse and fear through feeding the habit by running to accomplishment feelings, or masturbation, etc.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor never really live in what my bodies doing, and what my body functions as physically, but instead feed the function of ego, or fear, of hallucination, and to only but procrastinate my expression within writing, or within any other self responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to now realizing this, percieve it as "awe man well that sucks" when not realizing that there's nothing that I was ever struggling with when I was breathing, but this "awe man that sucks" reaction is but me still trying to convince myself that that fear is real, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that writing is what is going to get rid of these definitions that I've accepted and allowed, and that the only way to rid myself of these defintions is to live through writing, and not protect my definitions, and that writing is the very thing that allows me to breath, and actually and in fact walk through these points of fear, for what's best for myself, for what is in fact best for all.

Therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to never want to do what is in fact best for all within my process of living, but that any form of support given from me would be manipulated by my mind to feed the fear of failing, and therefor would manipulate what's supportive for myself and others as is higher simulation point to make my self feel Better under the coexistence of that equal relationship, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is the effect from comparing myself to my environment, and that I've accepted and allowed myself to interpret my environment as something that wants to attack me, and therefor I must dominate, and therefor within any of my expressions i will clearly become drained, because I've created my relationships as this circulating battle, and therefor just tire myself out from nothing, just bullshit thoughts.
I therefor forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate my breath as something that is this hard responsibility, since I've created my thoughts as something more important than my own breath itself, therefor not understanding that my thouts are what my breath allows, and therefor equalizing my thoughts with my breath, is the very thing that is occurring when I write, and therefor when I breath, it is the reconfirm action that I am that breath, and therefor what ever accumulates in my head that is trying to dominate my breath, therefor only intends on dominating life, should be breathed into equality, and therefor that is what will in fact bring my back to my natural equality to within all co existing relationships. It is all chemistry, everything, and the ego is the abstract hallucination that will inevitably manifest unequal actions, and should not be justified as and equal relationship, otherwise that is a statement created by the deception of our egos.
Within all of this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to continue my relationships to my environment, as the relationship that my father presented himself to me, and thus creating the distrust he manifested towards me as life, and justifying his actions as who I am, as I justify others actions as who I am, when it never effected my living organism in the first place, I simply unconciously accumulated his actions through osmosis as me, and layered it until now, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to layer justifications within the distrust of my writing process, within responsibilities, relationships, etc.
Self correction

I'm committed to not manipulate my relationships through creating higher simulations of myself to feed the very thing that has caused the fear in the first place. I'm therefor committed to understand that there is already an eaual relationship between what I'm experiencing, and anything which would convince me otherwise is but a reaction from the fear and distrust of my coexistence, which derives from the osmosis which I received from my father when I was fairly young, and that I've merely layered that distrust through these higher simulations, which will only be stopped from accumulating, if I in fact breath, and therefor equalize my thoughts and breath when what I'm already experiencing within that equal moment, and therefor I'm committed to create my writing as an equal moment of expression,a don't it this point of trying to relieve the distrust which but accumulated from the distrust of everything else. I'm committed to therefor not accumulate that distrust in my self writing by justifying the fear that I receive from osmosis, by creating confusion whether my process of self writing is valid, since I'm but subconsciously telling myself, that all of the other moments when I've accepted and allowed distrust, must've been true, simply because the higher sensations I received from the distrust would validate the manipulate causing this distrust, and therefor I'm committed to uphold my breath within the physical, and therefor understand that writing is but equalizing my thoughts within the breath, and stopping separated and accumulated thoughts, the accumulating which a accuses life for being invalid, and therefor accuses equality for being invalid. Wen I find myself rushing accumulated thoughts, and therefor high sensational experiences, I breath and equalize myself with those thoughts, thus investigating - investing my breath to bring back the thoughts to what is here, and reprogramming myself to the program I already am, I'm the program which runs the system of nature, and keeps the engine of nature going, therefor getting the wires and settings in my program back to default. When I find myself creating a defense mechanism to keep the preprograming surviving through comparing my reprogramming to others reprogramming, or in other words creating my reprogramming as an accomplishment, I breath, and equalize myself within the moment of with which I'm writing NOw, and not accumulating - accusing that others are great and better than others for reprogramming, therefor only protecting myself in my preprograming, by manipulating the relationship into a position, flipping it around - relationship - repositioning myself within the moments I experience as an dual relationship. I'm committed to to therefor equalize my relationships within what I experience day on and day out, through making plans that are equal to what's best for myself now, and what's best for all with what I'm experiencing now, and with playing music, with writing, cleaning etc. and breathing through every moment as equal to what I'm supporting. And not accumulating higher positions within what I'm doing and therefor only intending on implementing ego within my living process. When I find myself creating higher simulations within my ohysical process, especially when I've gotten through the coexisting relationship, I breath, and understand that finishing that moment or writing, of cleaning, of practicing of playing the song, is just as equal to the beggening, and that there was never a time frame within what I was doing, because I already experienced moment by moment, and am still experiencing the moment. I am thus committed to equalize myself with my moments, and not create one particular moment as superior than other moments, therefor not accumulating myself on the deep end since I'm relating the beggening 'past moment' as I've already failed and then once I finish I compare this as the 'future' of when I will somehow not fail again, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare my moments as the past and future, And therefor both requiring patterns to keep the moment diverse and elf destroy the moment I'm experienceing. I'm committed to therefor not manipulate moments as past and present, and therefor not relate past and present to the ohysical moment that is happening, and therefor am committed to investigate what I relate to as past and present to the moment now, and thus actually self write, and equalize myself within the moment of breath, and concepts and words.

Day 6 - not taking my process step by step, but jumping into it

Within this blog, I will explain why I have been inconsistent within my process, in regards to writing,  responsibilities, etc. and where this deminsions within this point.

So it seems ever since I have begun my process, I start out as if it is 'not much, and I'm 'alright at this', and I will 'easily get the hang of it'. Then of course, once I get through a few days, I begin to get overwhelmed, and then I give up, because I accumulated what ever faulty starting point.

So where is this all deriving from, and why can't I keep consistency with my responsibilities opand with self writing. Well it turns out, that I'm not actually self writing to self write, and I'm not taking self responsibility to take self responsibility, but instead I am putting myself at a deep end within expressions that simply take physical expression, and relating it to the past times when I have always set myself up to fail, and wondering "how do I not set myself up to fail this time". It is the very thing that causes me to become bored win certain aspects of living, and has always created things that I could really unconditionally enjoy, to very much limited enjoyment, and then wanting to give up because I wasn't able to fill in that failur gap with the positive energy of 'wining', so clearly its inevitable to set myself up for failure if I've always had this intense notion that Im either good at things and succeed, or I'm just a failure and can't do a fucking thing about it, and it seems that I almost want myself to fail, just so I can get back up in 2 or 3 days and get my high of motivation and then start back over, and then pretty much the same amount of time that it took for me to get back up, is about the same amount of time I can last within what I'm doing, for the most part.

Now why do I create this pattern, and why is it almost unbearable to want to write out and confront. Well, because I survive off of failing. I depend on failing, so when I becoming overwhelmed of actually being consistent within self responsibility, I can go hide in my room and release all of the stress, and then when my system is restored, I go into overdrive again, and then I after racing for 300 miles non stop, I run out of the fuel for the engine - energy, and than I have to cool off my engine. This will only continue if I do not rid myself of the accepted and allowed engineering behind the built up engine.

So, therefor since I create my process with in anything, as if I'm liable for doing something wrong, or as if I will fail and let everybody down, and not fit in with the world, I easily accumulate manipulation within my mind where I will justify writing once I become overwhelmed, which is also why I am always potentially going to become bored and tired with my process, for the very fact that I'm not living as a functional living organism within my process, within each breath and moment, but instead am creating a monument as my expressions, instead of it simply being a moment of expression and supporting my self and my coexisting environment.

Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to set my self in the deep end before doing something, where I will accumulate this paranoia of "what if I fail, what if I don't show myself good enough to others, and therefor when I begin my process I immediately create this high simulation of how supportive and 'progressive' I am, and feed off of this illusion in fear of falling in the deep end.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor not support myself within my process, but instead have this drive of self interest for the levels I'm getting towards, and thus using that as some bullshit accomplishment that I need to stroke my dick over to feel better. Therefor I forgive myself, that when I accumulate this ego within my self writing, within taki self responsibilities, I will compare myself t others, and try to make sure I stay up to the standards of those who I placed as higher than me, or will try to protect my higher position than the other, and thus the fat that I create this judgement in the first place, inevitably leaves me eventually putting myself as higher than the ones who I perceived as higher, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to approach everything in this sense of competition, and that there are those who will be left behind, and fail, therefor this being a reflection of my own fear of failure, and thus this will inevitably possess anything I have compassion for, and I will  manipulate myself into thinking that I must beat someone within what I'm doing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create this notion within every point which I reach, and therefor when I begin to write, I will bet myself up over have experiencing this ego, and instead of breathing and writing out from a standpoint of responsibility,I'm writing out with this sense of guilt, which as of now I've been experiencing within is writing, and then once that accumulate as I'm writing, I will start doubting my whole writing process within itself, and then I will become bored while I'm writing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to therefor create the notion as if I have to push through my boredom by 'writing as much as I can and doing my best "hopefully', thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not write from meaning of my words, but instead having this clouded vision within my writing since I create the tendency to have to write as much as possible.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to make an excuse from this point, that It is just because I am tired and 'worn out' and therefor some how it requires me to use SO MUCH physical stress to just move my thumbs. Thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accumulate mind energy within my process, under the foundation of putting myself in the deep end, and therefor creating diversity within my expressions, due to the fact that when I set myself up for feeling vulnerable of failing, I will run to something else to make me feel accomplished, like music, or working out etc. and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate my relationship to the ohysical as a mind acceptance, that somehow it takes my mind to produce the ability to express myself in relation to what I'm doing, and requires me to have fear, and requires me to create higher simulations, and therefor compare to others etc.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not understand, that creating a dependency of my environment from my mind, is but what causes myself to become limited within expression, and is what sets me up for self sabotage, self destruction, self pity etc. because this means that I as well do this within my writing process, and my relationships. I am so uncertain within what I'm experiencing, that I have to go feed off of people, and create ideas that I'm ntellectual when I support a person with their struggles, and therefor without further due, I generally just expect others to see how fucking great I am at helping myself and others. It is all fear though, I am only but in fear of failing within that created simulation in itself, so I'm really just making myself irrelevant to what I'm experiencing and doing in the first place, because trying to be superior in something your doing from made up thoughts is clearly going t cause a manifestation of separation from what you're doing, what I'm doing. I will therefor abuse my own process within writing through excessively worrying whether ill 'make it through and create this long blog that will make me feel better because I 'made it rough', which therefor I will branch off all kinds and forms of uncertainty when faced with aggression. I will not be able to help others if I cannot even help myself, and therefor I am self destructive, and therefor will essentially only intend on destroying others, and will therefor use what the express as a reflection of my own self destruction, and therefor will use that as uncertainty, and confuse myself within what's valid, because for the fact that I'm not allowing myself to self master, I am setting myself up for others to master me, and I will allow it come in, and will gracefully take it t self destroy myself, because after all it is what I'm intending in the first place, with the whole having to show everyone how big my dick is because I'm afraid they'll say its little unless of course I show the, so pretty much I have to get a big hard on dick to move and express, and then when I realize that's the very thing destroying me, I will give up and then go get my actual dic hard, and keep looking at it now big it is, and then once I relate that to the females in porn, or in my mind, and build up enough of an ego that they're enjoying my big dick, I cum and release the accumulate fear onto my stomach, and then I will immediately suck in the fear back into my stomach, and then accumulate it again and the wack off some more, and ifi don't feel like jizzing on my stomach, I will try to make a sticky mess towards someone else and try to fulfill myself to this foundation of fear, because after all this whole fucking time I'm depending on everyone to see how big my dick is, how successful I am, how I'm 'profressing' and am better than everyone, and I'm just setting myself up for the same counter control.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react in this way from when my parents would punish me for making a mistake, like my dad yelling at me and complaining and calling me names for not doing something write when I help him work, or get him the right tool, and then after he had mentioned to me what a terrible job I was doing, he would hug me and act in this way asif he's my friend now, and then when that occurred, I oiled say to myself 'ok there's nothing wrong with me after all, and then it would happen over again, and again, and sometimes he would get really mad, and then sometimes he would just give me this safe, or sometimes he would joke with me as if I'm doing something wrong. Also when my dad would put me down so much, or maybe g crazy towards me, my om would come baby me and she would tell me its ok. In fact just visualizing the memories of this triggers the same feeling of being punished, which brings up how much more intense it was to experience back then. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create confusion and self sabotage when others are agressive towards me, as if I deserve it, and then that easily makes me gulab or to their words as if everything they're telling me is right, and then I will justify that as a way of not ever doing what was best for myself as life, or what is best for all, because I've allowed myself to be enslaved to the fear which was presented by my parents, and feed into the energy pattern, where they would punish me intensely at one moment, and then would be the complete opposite, in fact supper blissful towards me, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have this immense resentfulness towards my parents, and blaming them for the way I experience myself within relationships, and therefor resenting others who I have an unconditional connection with, and then easily I feel as if they think that I did something wrong and percieve me bad for it, and then I tr to please them and show how supportive I am or what ever high simulation I create, and then when I don't receive the energy from them, I resent them and simply stay isolated and just be quite and passive, but aggressive n my mind. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not realize that I stay passive but very delicate around these people because my dad would punish me, and then when I tried telling him to stop or when I said something, he quickly took care of that with more punishment. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to percieve the world as my father, that Im going to get punished unless I act to its rules, and therefor walking between knowing that doing what is best for all is necessary, but fearing that those who still present fear and are apart of the system, are going to punish me for my expression. I forgive myself that I've Ccepted and allowed myself to exploit my age due to this, where as I was growing up, I always had the immense pleasure in my mind, as to when I get older and bigger and smarter, and can fight back what was making me feel so inferior, but the fact that I create this point, I would always feel very inferior to my environment, and as I would always hide from my dad as much as possible, I hide in my room when I feel like like I'm being attacked from all corners. Therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame myself within my process so much, where I will start off by being extremely fearful if I'm going to get punished for making a mistake, and then becoming extremely tired and overwhelmed of being bombarded with "you didn't get the write fucking tool!" And the imagery of something storming towards me and punishing me for making a mistake. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor hide, and gointo self pity as a defense mechanism of the supposed terror within expressing, as when I would run to my mom and she would give me soft words and I would cry. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to cry a little while writing this from how much I'm presenting to myself and how much I'm enslaved and controlled by this fear. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor not recognize, that this need to run to others looking at me and feeling sorry for me or helping me and understanding me, is likewise to running to my mom in hope that she will make me feel better. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor be controlled with this in my process, and not breath and walk my process from this intense burden and take it step by step, but instead force into it and hope I don't get some sort of punishment for failing, and therefor creating my moments as monuments. Self correction: I'm committed to not create the starting point of my self responsibilities as putting my self in deep end of what I will be participating in, and therefor commit myself to not create energy and good feelings to protect the fear before, or when I begin participating. I am committed to not create guilt when I find myself accumulating this energy, and to not try to breath as a way of suppressing what I've accumulated, but instead stopping all thoughts within breath, and observing that I am here within what I'm doing, and that regardless of how far I've allowed myself to accumulate that energy, the only way which will stop it, is If I walk my process of living, which means walking a process of self writing, and therefor not using that self writing as some way to feel better about the bullshit that I've accepted and allowed to accumulate, since it only but feeds mp the fear of failing, and not being 'good enough' within my process. I'm committed to not run into these accumulated thoughts of fear, where I will become very compulsive within having to prove something within what Im doing, and which this being my release from the intense fear that occurs of failing, or being punished or attacked some how and being told that I can't d it etc. When I find myself in and as the mind within the starting point of my process, I will breath and observe as myself being here, and not suppress my responsibility through trying to create but more accumulative simulations of others looking at how great I am within my accomplishments etc. I'm committed to investigate myself win my relationships to my parents and therefor how I percieve the world and how I hold relationships within others, and not get overwhelmed and have to hide from them from the accumulated irritation and resent etc. When I find myself trying to create comfort from the overwehlmung fear, through trying to get others to understand me, or by trying to have others feel sorry for my situation, I will breath, and understand that I cannot continue this pattern by only feeding it and cycling, I must breath and walk my process as life, and regardless of how long it takes, and how in depth it is, the very fact that I'm walking a process, means that it will take a timely process to write myself to become a living process, and therefor I commit myself to not create goals within my process, and to not create these higher simulations of myself in the fear of failing. When I find myself creating these simulations, and trying to overwhelm myselfm I breath, I write, or if it is very much overwehlming, I go and breath and walk outside, or take a shower, and observe myself within what I am experiencing within that moment, and that that isolation that I seek to get away from being overwhelmed. Is just as equal to the process I was already experiencing to begin with with writing, or washing dishes, or playing guitar, etc. When I find myself making excuses to not write because I accumulate the fear of faling, I breath, I give my self a moment to stop, observe why I'm doing what Im currently doing, and that that very responsibility, or maybe escapism, is the same process as writing, it is all here, and then self direct myself through writing. I'm committed to give myself more time t write, and make it as equal to other things that I've created as 'better' than writing, to equalize the relationships. When I find myself becoming overwhelmed by others aggression, I breath, and I do not respond in any non verbal or verbal manner, and I go to a place where I cannot be intruded, and I write what I'm experience, while breathing as well. When I find myself accumulating fear and back flashes from the experiences I had from my parents, I breath, I realize that these experiences are but memories which are being created and controlling my reality to try to control me and accumulate patterns, and self investigate my relationships with my parents. I'm committed to kee consistency within my responsibilities, and not commit to my responsibilities as fear of failing or being punished, but as myself living in each breath within each moment of expression.e

Day 5 - justifying reasons to not transcend

A after a few days of self writing, I go into a process of reacting in denial within my responsibilities. This is a reaction caused by my feelings being deminished day by day, and through fear I immediately grow this uncertainty of my transcending, and whether it is valid. I will use opinions and the aggression within my environment to justify not being able to transcend, because I've accepted and allowed myself to be brainwashed by things that trigger fear within myself, and become confused how to transcend, or just generally become overwhelmed with this fear of being brainwashed, which therefor will manipulate my process as the same to a much smaller degree however. I've found that this is all completely me justifying my accepted and allowed brainwashing, and that it is a defense mechanism to keep myself within what I've accepted and allowed as universal, and therefor justify that by allowing myself to be brainwashed by things within the system, or my environment, or maybe something on the Internet or t.v etc. So I've realized that the only way I will understand my process, and understand what is best for all and that practical reality, is to not give into the feelings, which obviously I will again, but instead is time breathing, and then realizing that that feeling is but generated by the fears tht I've accepted and allowed to generate within what I'm presented from the physical. S therefor I must understand that these fears are but an enslavement of the system, and that I justify these fears through confusion, and will justify the confusion from being confused before, and then fear that confusion, and as you see I already get caught in my own trap. Also I've realized that when I apply self forgiveness, I'm never expressing the words with fully understanding the,, because I continue to hold fear of uncertainty of my process, and therefor I try to force the words to understand them, and wonder why I can't understand them completely and then second guess myself with feelings/fear. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify my feelings through others aggression, and what they participate in, as well as media, certain content on the Internet, etc. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to loop the good feelings through feeding off others aggression and then therefor justifying to myself why I am having the good feelings is because of THEM, and therefor it is that very feeling deceiving me into keeping my feelings existing. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor become confused of what is valid or invalid, because I'm not allowing myself to be consistent within transcending, and instead still have feelings that I'm trying to protect deeply, and therefor I use a defense mechanism of relating those feelings to my environment, and quickly try to verify those feelings because my environment merely triggers these feelings, and therefor instead of writing my self forgiveness to transcend myself from this enslavement of feelings, I instead create confusion of 'well my feelings have always told me its this way' and therefor I'm in fear of transcending that into what's best for all life, and continue to be hoodwinked into bullshit love and light, and will especially try to justify this after I've fed off of enough aggression, which is the very thing that keeps the feelings of good which protect from the bad. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create aggression within my process. Where I will create others who are still buying into the system as the aggressors, and refer create there aggression as an excuse to sort of create my writing as a way of more so venting my acceptances Nd allowance from the aggressors, and therefor once I lose what ever portion of self interest of that venting, I become confused n how I'm supported to 'want' to kee writing, and therefor I misconstrue the whole meaning of writing with feelings, and then my mind try's to disprove it as invalid, because the feeling is essentially never going to exist if I'm transcending from bullshit feelis themselves. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor try to help others or procrastinate my writing throu helping others understand desteni, and obviously being very fearful of sharing because I haven't even applied any real change in myself of actually being able to live the words, because I've accepted and allowed myself to not live the words when I'm writing. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to rather hide in my words from the fear I've accepted and allowed, and use it as a way of protecting the good feelings from the fear, thus I forgive myself at I've accepted and allowed myself for fear to define my so much that when I self write, I'm exposed to these fears, and then react in hiding through procrastinating any further self direction, and the go into trying to have others understand, or wishing others would understand, which is but me creating a dependency in environment still, and therefor creating myself as vulnerable to my environment, for the fact that that environment in itself is what creates the generations in my mind of good feelings, and therefor causes me to be confused as t why its so hard to transcend. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to continue to hold dependency towards my environment to survive as feelings, and as the mind, and therefor my mind becoming subtle to the environment, and then manipulates my process in itself because I've accepted and allowed myself to use my process as a way of protecting from my environment, which is sending on my environment, and therefor dependency, is what deepens the enslavement of feelings, because I've accepted and allowed myself t be layered by feelings because I've been enslaved. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not take my process into consideration tht its best for myself, and that my process is supported to be about myself, and myself living as physical, and in relation to the physical, therefor transcending from relationships of enslavement, and thus not actually transcending old relationships which required feeling, but instead creating an I'd type of relationship within my process, and therefor manipulating my process like I manipulate all of my other physical relationships, and therefor will manipulate the manipulation through justifying its very existence. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not self write when I overwhelm myself with manipulation, but instead accumulate it for the very fact that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear it, and therefor once I do realize I must self write, I create self writing as a way to suppress the fear, and then that manipulates the self writing, and then I'm only open to once again fall int the manipulation of feelings, and en et confused on how to solve it, because I've created my relationships as manipulation, thus a distrust within those relationships which actually are supportive for what's best for me, and therefor misconstrue my self writing at some points, or at least my mind will attempt to succeed in misconstruing it, which usually happens by going back into memories of hearing others tell me desteni is bullshit, or spending on gurus/philosophers like alan watts to tell me what's valid and nvalid, therefor the fact that there was no certainty within my coexistence within those relationships, I related it to myself, and therefor am keeping myself prisoner from myself, and continue to cease to be able to understand what it means to truely transcend, and to be unconditionally expressive win writing and self responsibility, and also what I enjoy, which really is self responsibility. I mean we've been presented by our parents and teachers that self responsibility is this 'DO IT NOW OR ELSE!' And therefor anything that's actually good for us is misinterpreted as this thing we have to push ourselves through, and therefor can't even trust our own expressions within self responsibility to what ever extent, because we've been conned int the conciousness representation, that you must fear and hate certain responsibilities/expressions, and then others that counter to those hated ones are the ones that you 'like' because it but creates a higher simulation of expression for the fact that its an escapism from the expressions which you percieve as 'boring' and 'hard' and 'useless' and therefor distrust all forms of expressions, because the fact that we have lived by the very notion that there's expressions that are boring and useless etc. causes a limitation within the ones we 'like' because it creates this unnecessary drive on analyzing and criticizing to merely physical expressions that program our feeling reactions. So therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate myself to writing and self responsibility for what is best for all in this sene, because I've tried making it as this 'I like what's best for all more than what's best for my self' which is completely contradicting what is best for all in the first place, because what's best for all holds no limitations of self interest which holds this very bulks hit notion, so therefor when I realize that my self interest isn't pleased with what's best for all, my mind tries to lead me back to self interest, and then when I realize self interest is but traumatizing myself as a being, I run and hide in what's best for all. So I'm really fucking myself within my whole process and not getting anywhere within transcending within this acceptance and allowance of self interest manipulation. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to best myself up as a way of self sabotage within self interest, and therefor using self sabotage as a way to manipulate myself back to the good feelings which hides me from the fears which I'm accepting and allow, which this prevention from myself transcending clearly generating much fear, because the reality of living in the physical in itself is completely alien to what I've accepted and allowed in and as the mind, so self sabotage of what I've accepted and allowed is clearly a cleaver way fr my mind to feed itself, because its how its always fed itself from the get go, due to the fact that my bullshit illusions don't really exist, and it will find ways of self sabotaging itself to feed itself again, like when an alchoholic gets drunk while hating himself for drinking, and use the hating himself to feed the energy to drink some more, and then will go out and tell everyone he's a fuck up, and then have others feel sorry for him, and then he can feel sorry for himself even more through self sabotaging, excuses excuses excuses, and therefor the mind itself is an excuse mechanism for its own existence, and therefor its impossible to ever get rid of our excuses unless we get rid of the source of what creates excuses and justifications, and will not know when our minds triggers excuses unless we self write, because self honesty is the tru that were an organism, and therefor deminished the excuses that would suggest otherwise, and therefor the more we write the more we can depict what we justify in and as our mind, and thus we begin to actually live as a physical being once we can depict our reality more and more to what's practical and not judgements created within ourselves that merely reflect the excuses for the bullshit that we manifest as judgements. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not fully transcend, to not fully apply myself to transcending, but instead making excuses tha its the beggening of my process, and therefor using that as an excuse to keep some of the feelings, and somehow I will just get rid of involving myself with the mind through riding myself of the involvement to an extent over the days, when that statement in itself shows that I'm not willing to transcend from my involvement in the mind, and of course will therefor use my process in these manipulative ways, and will but keep the mind surviving and existing as long as I live. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create scenarios of my future self when I won't be completely involved in the mind, which is my mind creating the process as a self interest point, and will convince me to stay in my mind through creating my very process as a position, and will d this more intensely the more I walk my process, because my mind wants to survive within its relationships. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor get tired and off track within writing, where I will be consistent and then after a while I will detract slowing down and the confusion comes back, which shows that I'm continueing to try to survive in and as feelings within what I'm doing, and that I must require feelings within my process, the drive, which is but surviving as the fears against fear, and running to writing, and try to create this high simulation of my writing, and therefor once I try to fulfill this 'achievement/ fear from failure' I will fall back into the direction of fear of fear, and will continue to distrust myself within my process. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not adapt to actual transcending through writing, but instead think that I have to live by definitions of fear to have the expression if writing, or really a drive, so therefor I will open myself to feelings, and wait until I've accumulated enough fear to want to write again, instead of writing simply as an expression from opening up why I generate these fears and feelings in the first place, which is really what self writing is, and not this way to accumulate fears, and then hide from those fears through writing to therefor feel better from the very fears being accumulated. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor beat myself up as a way of self sabatoging myself from understanding the true meaning of writing, and therefor continue to cycle myself through these built up fears, and then hiding etc., and prevent myself from in fact transcending myself by actually understanding why I write, and the practical reason for writing, which is to record self direction to life, and away from living as a fear driven illusion, or s driven by feelings, thus I forgive myself that I've generally been driven by feelings within self responsibility and my writing process. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go therefor go into fear that I will go back into the feelings and misconstruing after I am done writing, which thus still trying to manipulate myself back into the system of feelings by justifying that others participate, and therefor I must still be participating if they are - justification if the mind to continue existing, so therefor my mind is fearful of my writing, and I accept and allow myself to continue myself as mind energy for the fact the mind has to exist for it become fearful, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the mind, and therefore implement my mind within my process by justifying others who participate in their minds as who I am. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create this idea that 'oh well now my mind might manipulate me again if I'm not careful' which is but a defense mechanism of the very awareness that I've accepted and allowed myself to live in and as the mind, so thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use the very universal perceptions that I know are accepted and allowed, as a way of 'thhinking' that I can't empower myself as life from these bullshit perceptions, therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define my own brainwashing as more powerful than my own empowerment within my process, and thus accepting and allowing myself to be vulnerable to my own mind, and therefor accepting and allowing myself to be vulnerable to excuses and justifications. I am committed to not fall into notions and concepts and decisions which aspire based on my mind, and that when I find myself trying to manipulate my process for the benefit of keeping my mind surviving, I will breath, and understand that transcending from the mind itself is what will actually get me to becoming a living process, an actual supportive organism for what is best for myself, and these bullshit ideas and opinions that my mind tries to generate are but excuses to keep the energy in itself surviving, thus being justifications for the very position of abusing myself as life and others as life, and that justifying others minds and that this system has been accepted and allowed by everyone, and therefor epthe fact that everyone presents their decisions to this very system makes it ok for me to as well psrticipate. Therefor I'm committed to not be enslaved by a system of manipulator ps and decieve rid to keep myself surviving, and that I will not fear this system, which is only myself fearing my accepted and allowed participation, and thus the confusion is whether or not that participation was valid or not, which is my mind trying to convince me that its very existence is valid due t coexisting minds/egos , which this is but how e system of abuse stays alive, it will manipulate others to participate when they are children, and then those children will do the same to there children, it is the ones who were manipulated who will as well manipulate others to kee there position, which is but a false illusion that they were manipulated in, and then they fuck themselves and therefor will fuck others, and will create love and light to justify it, and then really keep it up and going, and the males will rub their heads with the hand, which the hand being the manipulator (physical presentation) to make the head fee good for being a dick, and then when the dick is satisfied with its position as the head feeling good from the hand, it must go implement its head onto others, and then those others will become afraid of the dicks and become the pussys that accepted and allowed the head of the dick. It really all is just ourselves excepting the grace of fucking ourselves and eachother. Self correction: I am committed to write at least the moment I wake up before my day gets started, to the moment before I go to sleep. I am committed to therefor transcend from fucking myself, and therefor writing and living as breath is observing what I'm actually experiencing, and not as the mind, the head, like masturbsting. Therefor I'm committed to not masturbate for a total of 21 days, and after 22 days, physically masturbates, and observe the actual experience that occurs when my sexual organs are exposed to physical touch, and therefor learn over time what sex really means within enjoyment of expressing sex, just as it is with everything else I do physically. I'm committed to drop all relationships with mind energy, and when I find myself in and as the mind tryi to manipulate the practical relationships, I will breath, state self forgiveness the first time, and then every 5 times only breath, and after 5 times state self forgiveness again. I'm committed to therefor equalize my relationships within all expressions. From cleaning, writing, exercising, working (the 'boring') to playing music, playing video games, buying items that I'm interested in, sports, eating, etc (what I 'like' or would more so prefer). When I find myself causing manipulations within these relationships as creating one more inferior or superior than the other, I breath, observe what I need t do, or am participating in within that very moment, and self forgive the first time when I have the opportunity, and the next 5 times proficient breathing, and repeat. When I find myself trying to create higher simulations of myself within my process, therefor create the circulation of confusion and uncertainty and fear of being influenced etc.m I breath, I investigate, and if I find it too overwhelming to investigate win myself, I ask for help from a destonians, or investigate the material, and then self forgive. After I have investigated properly and self applied properly, a practice breath ping the next 5 times, and repeat. I

Masturbation, the emotional release

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in physical masturbation. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to ignore my process of living and go ahead and buy into the superior imagery from pornography. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not breath within these moments where I become overwhelmed with the 'need' or 'have to' within participating in masturbation, Or watching pornography. I forgive myself that I've excepted and allowed myself to feel guilty after I receive the orgasm, instead of breathing, and writing self forgiveness within my participation in masturbation. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor be enslaved to the cycle of masturbation, to what it causes within my being, which is all but abusive. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not completely realize, that masturbation is but an emotional release that I accept and allow when I accumulate stress within my self, or run to masturbation when my self interest isn't being fulfilled, or because I've refused to give into the other self interest energies, where I must go and ejaculate to get it all out of my system - mind consciousness system. I forgive myself that I've accepted and aloud myself to define sex as mind energy being released, and justifying this participation because most humans involve themselves within this sex sort of system. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor define my enjoyments, and self responsibilities to imagery, thus mind energy, where the imagery must be there in order for me to enjoy myself co existent to why I'm participating in. Such as writing, guitar, sports, cleaning, working, etc. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that being dependent n imagery only limits my expressions as life, and therefor causes abuse to myself as life and life around me. Where I do not fulfill my best potential for health, because instead of doing what's best for my health, I only 'want' to do what's best for the imagery I exploit from what health is, and when I do not receive that energy, I become 'bored' with health, and become lazy. As well with writing; when I 'want' to write, I'm only creating images of fulfilling some sort of goal within writing, when it has nothing to actually do with writing, but instead I will write, and fulfill my position, and then quickly grow bored because I've accepted and allowed myself to c pare writing with superior imagery which only fulfills my minds interest. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in masturbation in all aspects therefor, and justify when I participate because everyone else participates, instead of breathing, and participating In sex, music, health, etc. because its what's best for myself as an organism, and therefor what is best for all, but no, my mind and what accumulates in my mind is more Important, and then when I feed my mind it will create only a better vulnerability for me to give into its deception, or manipulation of trying to convince me that what's is best for all is invalid, and will therefor drive myself back into dependency due to this dependency being merely fear driven, and therefor end up fucking myself again with living, just like I fuck myself when I masturbate. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor to want to only fuck others, and thus allow myself to continue the fucking of myself within the superior imagery of my mind which depicts who I want to fuck, and then those who go against my masturbation will end up really getting fucked, well my mind will at least tell me what I would really want to do to those people, but because my mind is mischievous, it will start masturbating those 'bad' thoughts and will try to make myself into a 'good' person to justify the abuse that I really intended within my mind, which even those justifications only accumulate abuse potentially, and inevitably. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate my environment within expression as masturbation. For instance: while writing this blog, my iPad died and I become worried that all of this would become deleted, and so I plugged it back in the charger immediately to hope that it would still be there, and so what would this mean 1: I would become very agitated if it got erased, and then would have to start over and rewrite, or 2, it would all still be in place and I would become relieved to the confidence of not having to put forth extra 'work' to write. Therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not distinguish when I'm having my highs and lows, due to feeding into the highs in the first place, which always turns out to be fear driven. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not realize what breathing really means, and what it really means to stop thoughts. See, when I was writing that recent paragraph, I had no doubt in what I was writing, and no fear of being uncertain, until the thought of the universal awareness of uncertainty came up, so therefor the single thought that becomes triggered within itself, will accumulate very quickly, so therefor breathing is the very Inge that stops this energy in itself, and when too overwhelming due to misunderstanding where the thought is derived from, is when one directs oneself through writing, and therefor discovering oneself as life, and not being afraid to do that. I mean, what is there to lose with writing what we've accepted and allowed to be our egos, there's no reason to fear ourselves from ourselves, otherwise that would be our egos limiting ourselves as life to begin with. So therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not investigate myself when reacting through fear, and to not breath when this fear accumulates to wanting to receive the orgasm to realidve the fear. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not self write when I should to fully understand what is really fear driven, and what is actually my physical expression. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse of not writing through the idea of meditation, where one simply shuts off the ought a, but when one simply just shuts off the mind, one will still accumulate reactions that he/her aren't making themselves aware of, for the fact that these reactions have power of us when we do not take self responsibility of accepting these reactions. Therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is but an enslave,ent to the mind to want to shut off the mind, because it shuts off our ability to take self responsibility of our minds, and only but keeps our minds stationary, due to being passive to our minds through simply shutting It off through meditation. Essentially real meditation, is when we breath within the moments our minds do accumulate, and breathing then and not allowing it to accumulate is therefor taking responsibility within ourselves, and not waiting for ourselves to just accumulate bullshit, and then go home and just sit it off. I'm committed to not give into masturbation when I find myself in situations of becoming overwhelmed with lack of mind energy, but instead breath, and find myself within that moment and investigate why and how it accurs where I feel the want of masturbating. I'm committed to live this self correction, and not be manipulated into the perception of masturbation, or ideas that would justify masturbation within my expressions, and understand that in only causing abuse to myself when I allow myself to let my mind control me to making decisions, and that this mind is but an effect of the system itself, a system of abuse, of separation, and of egos, and that it has all been derived from my childhood till now, and therefor in order to actually fix this, is to not make excuses of moments when I want to give into this masturbation,but requires self directing myself as life, and therefor directing myself away from what I've accepted and allowed as myself.

Day 4 - too lazy

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be lazy. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have to 'want' to take self responsibility, therefor limiting my potential of taking care of myself and others, as well as limiting my potential with activities that I enjoy.

 I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow this laziness to accumulate when I'm out in public, or when I go ahead and take the responsi iLife, but then start to find this about what I'm doing to get agitated about
. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel more lazy towards specific inns than I do doing others things. For example: today I had to go to the store to help my mom get food, but once I got there, the more I was there the more I started paying attention to how I looked, because I've always had to feed off of getting girls to look at me when I pass by them, to want to feel motivated to do anything at the store, therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exploit my body by having to feed off of its imagery when I need to go to the store, thus creating myself to become self concious if I don't get the required energy feed, when I percieve myself that I'm 'not looking good'

 I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare images to taking self responsibility, therefor when I need to take responsibility of something, I will have to think up an image to motivate me, which usually consists of others doing it, which o ky but creates the inferior point to begin with where I must look like the person who is responsible, or simply just the superior image.

 I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to depend on this imagery to take self responsibility, and therefor only find myself in the deep end more so than the confident times. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor compare my responsibilities with others responsibilities, and therefor gain the superior feeling when I think I'm better than everyone at taking responsibility, and the. Feel agitated when I feel inferior within what I tried to create as a starting point of self interest.

 I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor be uncertain of myself within self responsibility, to have to feed off of others who are doing it, and therefor having to fit within that leader, follower sort of notion.

I forgive myself that I'm therefor lazy most of the times to write, and thus having to only write when I gain the self interest motivation from comparing my writing to others, which of course outs me in the deep in the majority of e time that I need to actually be writing.

I forgive myself to feed off of how long my writing looks when I've writer for a while to feed the boredom to feel acc polished from feeling like shit to begin with. Therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to continue writing from the starting point of comparing my writing to others writing - where it has to be a 'certain length', which is but merely an expectation I've limited myself with from the starting point of having to 'want' to write, and so therefor since I don't have the want, I must create all of these energy points to keep me 'wanting' to write, as well as within other aspects of self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor prevent myself from ever actually participating within what I'm doing, and to limit the enjoyment that I could actually experience within responsibility, and erector limiting myself from really finding myself as life within my writing, or maybe composing as well, or as much as I could win my music, or actually support other people much more unconditionally, instead of having to create points of positivity to help others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor be essentially selfish to an extent when I'm helping others, and have to relate how they are expressing to how I should express towards them, thus only helping for the benefit of this 'good person' fulfillment within my mind when helping others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to generally get drained with self responsibility, due to not getting the energy drives that I've allowed myself to adapt too.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to always have a starting point of mind energy within any responsibility, or activity I'm participating in, thus living and participating as an ego within my responsibilities, and enjoyments, instead of participating for what is best for myself as life, and therefor what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the idea that since in not feeding into my ego, then that must mean that life is just 'boring', and that not feeding into the mind is just too 'boring' and so it is but a reaction to not feeding the mind, and then making excuses not to take self responsibility because its not 'fun anymore'

I forgive myself that I've related mind energy to what fun is, to what responsibility is, and thus limiting myself to really have fun with living.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor protect my mind from actually living as equal to my mind, and justifying my mind through saying that 'self writing is just to boring, so therefor it must be invalid because 'I' am not pleased'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into overwhelming states of wanting to feed into energy (masturbation primarily) when I have found myself lacking mind energy, and where the addiction is almost 'unbearable' to not give into.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be defined by mind energy within my everyday living, and therefor depend on this energy to survive, only in and as the mind, and therefor cause abuse to myself as life and others around me as life.

I'm committed to take self responsibility from the starting point of acting for what is best for myself as life, therefor what is best for all, and to not give into selfish desires or self improvement, or from any starting point of self interest that but procrastinates taking actual self responsibility.

I'm committed to not give int accumulative thoughts of agitation when I am taking self responsibility, and breath, and investigate myself as to what was the self interest starting point in the beggening, and branch it out from there.

I'm committed to not dwell on the fact that I cannot be using mind energy in order to take responsibility, only as the reaction of my ego In itself lacking the energy its always required when in certain situations.

I'm committed to breath when my ego reacts, and breath, and find myself here within the responsibility I'm partaking in, and not escalate the thought that 'this is a drag' by getting agitated or respond in trying to create positive energy within what I'm doing to make it 'more fun'.

I'm committed to not old the starting point of thinking that the only way I can have fun wi my expression is if I hold this starting point of self interest, and that I must be defined from the starting point of self interest.

I'm committed to not relate others to myself as an expression, and breath, and find myself within that expression alone, and I dependently as a living expression, and not a mind energy that must depend on how others operate to operate myself as life, therefor I'm committed to not find some abstract notion to apply to how I move, thus limit myself how I really move, and really should be experiencing my expression.

Therefor when I find myself in situations where I want to accumulate my mind without my responsibilities or expressions, I breath, and self direct myself to here, within the responsibility and expression, and not as an ego that must get its superior feel in order to drive my being to take self responsibility.
When I find myself trying to react to this as something 'bad', and feel the need to require some form of mind energy to keep surviving within what I'm doing, or taking responsibility of, I breath, and realize that in the beggening I didn't require mind energy to operate my movements, that I didn't require some good feeling to get in the car and drive to the store, or open the guitar case and start strumming the strings, and find myself within that process in itself, and continue the actual experience, and to stop the mind/ego need for energy
When I find myself procrastinating from writing, or any other responsibility I need to take care of, and as well to into guilt for procrastinating, whether I'm procrastinating my expression within the responsibility, or the responsibility itself, I breath, and find myself within where I am here, and simply get up, or get the journal or iPad, and write, or clean, or excessive, or not eat the shity food and eat healthy, or to out and play basket ball.