Day 2 - convincing myself that self writing is invalid, because of meditation

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow zen and meditation to be this thing that bothers my self forgiveness process. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear this due to therefor fearing anything else I allow as external tools to not do anything about myself as an ego. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the only thing I ever required for internal awareness was self honesty, and that I have never been self honest and therefor always ran to external knowledge. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to let meditation define who I am, which is where my I can be one with e mind consciousness system and completely passively accept that. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor allow this to define self responsibility, and thus leave it as an opening of possible solution simply because others are doing it, therefor still fearing whether I'm participating in anything valid from the starting point of fearing whether others are doing it. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to let this possess my being within self responsibility, where I will start becoming fearful and confused whether if anything I'm participating in is valid, because some fancy philosopher who studied zen would say otherwise. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to Approach this with common sense, that the philosophers and zen masters accepted and allowed themselves to continue within the mind consciousness system through these meditations, and thus inevitably were dishonest beings just like everyone else. They clearly all still participated in love and light, and justified it through meditations, as well as many other aspects of the system. I'm committed to not allow myself to let the phill shy of zen define who I am, or possess me to go ahead and not take self responsibility, to not self write, but take the easy way out and do nothing. I'm committed to not let my ego tell me that I shouldn't self write, that its 'to hard' so therefor it 'must' be invalid, and that I should stop transcending to life. I'm committed to walk my process of self forgiveness and my journey to life, and to not hear my ego, or give into my ego for the sake of my ego. I'm committed to not be driven by the fear which the current system presents, and be vulnerable to its bullshit, like zen.