Day 4 - always having doubt, and uncertainty

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to always I pile ent this side effect of uncertainty within almost everything I've participated in within my life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this uncertainty is derived from the fear of failing what I'm participating in to begin with, or the fear of other doubting me or telling me that what I'm participating in wont work, I'm not good at, or is bullshit to begin with.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when approaching anything in a form of self interest, is going to inevitably create an opening of uncertainty, or doubt, due to the fact that it is merely protecting self interest within itself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to involve this uncertainty, and doubt primarily within my process. Where I will simply become doubtful once I really begin to change practically, and will question whether what I'm experiencing as a physical breath is normal.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor be influenced by others who have stated otherwise, or maybe when I came across A desteni hater video, or when others here where I live have tried to convince me otherwise from my process.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to this create a protection within my process, as if its my position against others position, therefor the fact that I've accepted and allowed myself to continue holding my process as a position/self interest, once again inevitably puts my process at risk of being doubted, or myself being uncertain within my process since I'm not even completely certain as a living being within my process.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give int the questioning that merely is being presented here by my ego, of whether doing what's best for all is valid or invalid, which clearly when I ask these questions I receive this sensation of fear, and therefor self interest is clearly being protected here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not approach my environment in depicting h is best for all or not, and always trying to find reasons and excuses for what is only best for myself, and easily buying into that and being hoodwinked by the fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be deceived by my own generated fear, and to allow this fear to define what's valid and invalid, thus my fear trying to define whether or not I should even be considering applying self honesty, which clearly is common sense and holds no boundaries from fear, because I do not become limited by my fears which are all ego, so therefor being self honest is the very thing that's going to rid myself of my accepted ego, and is what directs myself to living as an organism and express myself as an organism (self - physical organism, honesty - truth; organism+truth=common sense)

I forgive myself that I've accepted and aloud myself to always be driven by my ego within activities, within music, within conversations, etc. and therefor always having this imminent distrust with who ever else is participating, and therefor allowing myself to be opened and vulnerable to others who show me distrust, and always falling into other egos traps.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor never actually trust myself/live physically within what I'm participating in, and never understanding my presence as a physical organism with what I'm participating in. Therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not completely find myself as a physical organism within my process, but instead as an ego who tries to compare myself with the other group members, and therefor wherei will define myself as them, or as what I create as their image/position, to only be but a defense against this uncertainty from anything outside of desteni, thus creating desteni as this group of followers and leaders, instead of a group which is equals walking by eachother through their own individual process, and understanding themselves as that process through applying self honesty.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feed the mind win my process, by creating these unnecessary separations from everyone within the group of who's leading and who's following, which I've always done throughout my life, which has but created the opening of trying to dominate others within whatever I'm doing, therefor always being selfish within whatever it may be.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not write self forgiveness the moment I create these separations from the other destonians, and the others around me, and investigate why I'm creating these separations, which in this case obviously is because I've allowed myself to continue to try to protect my position as an ego co existent to other egos, and have but manipulated that universal perception within my process.

I forgive myself that I've Ccepted and allowed myself to continue having uncertainty within my writing, as if it is missing something to give it certainty, when really I'm only but trying to add the position to my writing to protect the certainty/fear of uncertainty, and thus not writing because its practical common sense to be self honest.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to always have to live with fear of whether I'm going to be certain or positive that what I will be doing will work. If only a strategy my ego tries to present from the fact that I've always 'failed' in the past, because of all of these inferior side effects, and therefor continue to implement these side effects of uncertainty and doubt within what ever I am, or plan on participating in. Therefor I forgive myself to not breath in these moments, and understand that its common sees to just do it, to just live and go write, or go play guitar, or go run, or go ride a bike, or go to college etc.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to always play out scenarios in my head of those who will support me, and those who will try to tell me otherwise, for this being a defense mechanism against the very self interest created, where I will have to plan out who I have to run to to tell me that what I'm doing is valid against those who say otherwise or are aggressive against what I'm doing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to depend on others to ever do anything, to not just do it, and know practically that I can do it, and live within what I'm doing practically, and that's it, and therefor depict independently what is best for myself win the activity, therefor what's best for myself is to write, and to continue walking my process until I die, because I am that process, and writing is but what shows me that I'm that process, and not some fearful illusion to dominate against at very fear, which is but a completely abstract being, an ego, and therefor writing is finding myself, the organism, and not the ego.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to continue holding the notion that I need an ego, because others told me that I need an ego, therefor my ego gathering that very information and clearly is going to convince my being that I need it. Therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not transcend my ego completely, and hold uncertainty that 'do I need my ego?', which this uncertainty again merely being fear from the very point of self interest for my ego.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what's best for myself is what's best for all, and that the ego is what tells us otherwise, therefor is the very thing that deceives us into creating our relationships with anything as a deception, something to be manipulated and doubted.

I'm committed to walk my process as a process, as a physical expression, and therefor not hold this need to have to run to the other members to give me that certainty, which is but a tactic my ego uses to tell me otherwise, and thus the dependency in itself is my ego trying to protect its position, and therefor creates a position within my process to manipulate me bac into it the ego.

I'm committed to walk my process because I understand through the practicality of my process that the process in. Itself is what's best for myself, and therefor what is best for all, which what's is best for all will only become a reality the second we live as a process, and not as mind energy, not as this egotistical bei that will tell us otherwise of who we are, which is a process, an organism, life. I'm committed to not buy into the energy of having to create dependency towards others, or try to get approval or clarity from others when I face confusion/fear, or uncertainty within what I'm doing, and breath, and begin writing, and begin jnvestigating the reasons why i generated the fear, because investigating our fears is investigating the starting point of what we've accepted and allowed as the ego, as self interest, which is what fear itself feeds off of. I'm committed to not allow myself to be hoodwinked into my ego within my process itself, and not gain c fusion within my process when I recognize that I'm being deceived, but to breath, and find myself within that moment, within that practical process, and understand that there's nothing cinfusing abut living as an organism, therefor under the coexistence of other organisms, because that is what's common sense, that is what's practical. I'm committed to not search for so e form of certainty within my process, which is but a defense mechanism for my ego. I'm committed to I vertebrate the different defense mechanisms my ego will generate within my process, thus within my everyday life, which is exactly what writing is. I'm committed to understand that writing in itself is a tool which opens up these investigations, and which solves the core problem of my limitations, and allows my to understand that the foundation of my limitations is in fact my ego, and nothing but my ego. When I find myself generating hesitation from writing, or within my process in general, I will breath, and observe myself physically, observe my past blogs, observe the desteni material, and understand that its common sense, that it is all material based on what has been changed from our egos, and therefor what is best for all, and that what is best for all is merely words which represents that we are living, and therefor living in relation to equal life, and therefor what is best for all is exactly that relation, because we live in harmony when we live, and therefor the material being manifested from those who had to go through the same process as I'm going through, and realizing that anything to provoke that harmony is the deceptive ego, which only wants t dominate and control. When I find myself trying to depend on my outside environment to live as a process, I breath, and find myself living already as that process, and therefor there's no abstract determination required for the fact that I'm already a natural expression of determination. When I find myself trying to rush my process, I stop and breath, and understand that rushing my process, or trying to get to some 'higher point' in my process is but driven from fear of failing, and driven from the uncertainty that I am that process, therefor my process must require a timely process, and does not just happen, because the notion of 'JUST HAPPEN!!' Is trying to dominate, tying to control the process, therefor is what will decieve the process, and what I've accepted and allowed to decieve my process of living throughout my existence. Therefor when I find myself living instead as a mind conciousness existence, I breath, and come back here, to my living process, and I write, I play guitar, I work, I take self responsibility, I'm supporting for what's best for all.