Within this blog, I will explain why I have been inconsistent within my process, in regards to writing, responsibilities, etc. and where this deminsions within this point.
So it seems ever since I have begun my process, I start out as if it is 'not much, and I'm 'alright at this', and I will 'easily get the hang of it'. Then of course, once I get through a few days, I begin to get overwhelmed, and then I give up, because I accumulated what ever faulty starting point.
So where is this all deriving from, and why can't I keep consistency with my responsibilities opand with self writing. Well it turns out, that I'm not actually self writing to self write, and I'm not taking self responsibility to take self responsibility, but instead I am putting myself at a deep end within expressions that simply take physical expression, and relating it to the past times when I have always set myself up to fail, and wondering "how do I not set myself up to fail this time". It is the very thing that causes me to become bored win certain aspects of living, and has always created things that I could really unconditionally enjoy, to very much limited enjoyment, and then wanting to give up because I wasn't able to fill in that failur gap with the positive energy of 'wining', so clearly its inevitable to set myself up for failure if I've always had this intense notion that Im either good at things and succeed, or I'm just a failure and can't do a fucking thing about it, and it seems that I almost want myself to fail, just so I can get back up in 2 or 3 days and get my high of motivation and then start back over, and then pretty much the same amount of time that it took for me to get back up, is about the same amount of time I can last within what I'm doing, for the most part.
Now why do I create this pattern, and why is it almost unbearable to want to write out and confront. Well, because I survive off of failing. I depend on failing, so when I becoming overwhelmed of actually being consistent within self responsibility, I can go hide in my room and release all of the stress, and then when my system is restored, I go into overdrive again, and then I after racing for 300 miles non stop, I run out of the fuel for the engine - energy, and than I have to cool off my engine. This will only continue if I do not rid myself of the accepted and allowed engineering behind the built up engine.
So, therefor since I create my process with in anything, as if I'm liable for doing something wrong, or as if I will fail and let everybody down, and not fit in with the world, I easily accumulate manipulation within my mind where I will justify writing once I become overwhelmed, which is also why I am always potentially going to become bored and tired with my process, for the very fact that I'm not living as a functional living organism within my process, within each breath and moment, but instead am creating a monument as my expressions, instead of it simply being a moment of expression and supporting my self and my coexisting environment.
Self forgiveness:
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to set my self in the deep end before doing something, where I will accumulate this paranoia of "what if I fail, what if I don't show myself good enough to others, and therefor when I begin my process I immediately create this high simulation of how supportive and 'progressive' I am, and feed off of this illusion in fear of falling in the deep end.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor not support myself within my process, but instead have this drive of self interest for the levels I'm getting towards, and thus using that as some bullshit accomplishment that I need to stroke my dick over to feel better. Therefor I forgive myself, that when I accumulate this ego within my self writing, within taki self responsibilities, I will compare myself t others, and try to make sure I stay up to the standards of those who I placed as higher than me, or will try to protect my higher position than the other, and thus the fat that I create this judgement in the first place, inevitably leaves me eventually putting myself as higher than the ones who I perceived as higher, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to approach everything in this sense of competition, and that there are those who will be left behind, and fail, therefor this being a reflection of my own fear of failure, and thus this will inevitably possess anything I have compassion for, and I will manipulate myself into thinking that I must beat someone within what I'm doing.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create this notion within every point which I reach, and therefor when I begin to write, I will bet myself up over have experiencing this ego, and instead of breathing and writing out from a standpoint of responsibility,I'm writing out with this sense of guilt, which as of now I've been experiencing within is writing, and then once that accumulate as I'm writing, I will start doubting my whole writing process within itself, and then I will become bored while I'm writing.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to therefor create the notion as if I have to push through my boredom by 'writing as much as I can and doing my best "hopefully', thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not write from meaning of my words, but instead having this clouded vision within my writing since I create the tendency to have to write as much as possible.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to make an excuse from this point, that It is just because I am tired and 'worn out' and therefor some how it requires me to use SO MUCH physical stress to just move my thumbs. Thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accumulate mind energy within my process, under the foundation of putting myself in the deep end, and therefor creating diversity within my expressions, due to the fact that when I set myself up for feeling vulnerable of failing, I will run to something else to make me feel accomplished, like music, or working out etc. and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate my relationship to the ohysical as a mind acceptance, that somehow it takes my mind to produce the ability to express myself in relation to what I'm doing, and requires me to have fear, and requires me to create higher simulations, and therefor compare to others etc.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not understand, that creating a dependency of my environment from my mind, is but what causes myself to become limited within expression, and is what sets me up for self sabotage, self destruction, self pity etc. because this means that I as well do this within my writing process, and my relationships. I am so uncertain within what I'm experiencing, that I have to go feed off of people, and create ideas that I'm ntellectual when I support a person with their struggles, and therefor without further due, I generally just expect others to see how fucking great I am at helping myself and others. It is all fear though, I am only but in fear of failing within that created simulation in itself, so I'm really just making myself irrelevant to what I'm experiencing and doing in the first place, because trying to be superior in something your doing from made up thoughts is clearly going t cause a manifestation of separation from what you're doing, what I'm doing. I will therefor abuse my own process within writing through excessively worrying whether ill 'make it through and create this long blog that will make me feel better because I 'made it rough', which therefor I will branch off all kinds and forms of uncertainty when faced with aggression. I will not be able to help others if I cannot even help myself, and therefor I am self destructive, and therefor will essentially only intend on destroying others, and will therefor use what the express as a reflection of my own self destruction, and therefor will use that as uncertainty, and confuse myself within what's valid, because for the fact that I'm not allowing myself to self master, I am setting myself up for others to master me, and I will allow it come in, and will gracefully take it t self destroy myself, because after all it is what I'm intending in the first place, with the whole having to show everyone how big my dick is because I'm afraid they'll say its little unless of course I show the, so pretty much I have to get a big hard on dick to move and express, and then when I realize that's the very thing destroying me, I will give up and then go get my actual dic hard, and keep looking at it now big it is, and then once I relate that to the females in porn, or in my mind, and build up enough of an ego that they're enjoying my big dick, I cum and release the accumulate fear onto my stomach, and then I will immediately suck in the fear back into my stomach, and then accumulate it again and the wack off some more, and ifi don't feel like jizzing on my stomach, I will try to make a sticky mess towards someone else and try to fulfill myself to this foundation of fear, because after all this whole fucking time I'm depending on everyone to see how big my dick is, how successful I am, how I'm 'profressing' and am better than everyone, and I'm just setting myself up for the same counter control.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react in this way from when my parents would punish me for making a mistake, like my dad yelling at me and complaining and calling me names for not doing something write when I help him work, or get him the right tool, and then after he had mentioned to me what a terrible job I was doing, he would hug me and act in this way asif he's my friend now, and then when that occurred, I oiled say to myself 'ok there's nothing wrong with me after all, and then it would happen over again, and again, and sometimes he would get really mad, and then sometimes he would just give me this safe, or sometimes he would joke with me as if I'm doing something wrong. Also when my dad would put me down so much, or maybe g crazy towards me, my om would come baby me and she would tell me its ok. In fact just visualizing the memories of this triggers the same feeling of being punished, which brings up how much more intense it was to experience back then.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create confusion and self sabotage when others are agressive towards me, as if I deserve it, and then that easily makes me gulab or to their words as if everything they're telling me is right, and then I will justify that as a way of not ever doing what was best for myself as life, or what is best for all, because I've allowed myself to be enslaved to the fear which was presented by my parents, and feed into the energy pattern, where they would punish me intensely at one moment, and then would be the complete opposite, in fact supper blissful towards me, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have this immense resentfulness towards my parents, and blaming them for the way I experience myself within relationships, and therefor resenting others who I have an unconditional connection with, and then easily I feel as if they think that I did something wrong and percieve me bad for it, and then I tr to please them and show how supportive I am or what ever high simulation I create, and then when I don't receive the energy from them, I resent them and simply stay isolated and just be quite and passive, but aggressive n my mind.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not realize that I stay passive but very delicate around these people because my dad would punish me, and then when I tried telling him to stop or when I said something, he quickly took care of that with more punishment.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to percieve the world as my father, that Im going to get punished unless I act to its rules, and therefor walking between knowing that doing what is best for all is necessary, but fearing that those who still present fear and are apart of the system, are going to punish me for my expression.
I forgive myself that I've Ccepted and allowed myself to exploit my age due to this, where as I was growing up, I always had the immense pleasure in my mind, as to when I get older and bigger and smarter, and can fight back what was making me feel so inferior, but the fact that I create this point, I would always feel very inferior to my environment, and as I would always hide from my dad as much as possible, I hide in my room when I feel like like I'm being attacked from all corners. Therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame myself within my process so much, where I will start off by being extremely fearful if I'm going to get punished for making a mistake, and then becoming extremely tired and overwhelmed of being bombarded with "you didn't get the write fucking tool!" And the imagery of something storming towards me and punishing me for making a mistake.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor hide, and gointo self pity as a defense mechanism of the supposed terror within expressing, as when I would run to my mom and she would give me soft words and I would cry.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to cry a little while writing this from how much I'm presenting to myself and how much I'm enslaved and controlled by this fear.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor not recognize, that this need to run to others looking at me and feeling sorry for me or helping me and understanding me, is likewise to running to my mom in hope that she will make me feel better.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor be controlled with this in my process, and not breath and walk my process from this intense burden and take it step by step, but instead force into it and hope I don't get some sort of punishment for failing, and therefor creating my moments as monuments.
Self correction:
I'm committed to not create the starting point of my self responsibilities as putting my self in deep end of what I will be participating in, and therefor commit myself to not create energy and good feelings to protect the fear before, or when I begin participating.
I am committed to not create guilt when I find myself accumulating this energy, and to not try to breath as a way of suppressing what I've accumulated, but instead stopping all thoughts within breath, and observing that I am here within what I'm doing, and that regardless of how far I've allowed myself to accumulate that energy, the only way which will stop it, is If I walk my process of living, which means walking a process of self writing, and therefor not using that self writing as some way to feel better about the bullshit that I've accepted and allowed to accumulate, since it only but feeds mp the fear of failing, and not being 'good enough' within my process.
I'm committed to not run into these accumulated thoughts of fear, where I will become very compulsive within having to prove something within what Im doing, and which this being my release from the intense fear that occurs of failing, or being punished or attacked some how and being told that I can't d it etc.
When I find myself in and as the mind within the starting point of my process, I will breath and observe as myself being here, and not suppress my responsibility through trying to create but more accumulative simulations of others looking at how great I am within my accomplishments etc.
I'm committed to investigate myself win my relationships to my parents and therefor how I percieve the world and how I hold relationships within others, and not get overwhelmed and have to hide from them from the accumulated irritation and resent etc.
When I find myself trying to create comfort from the overwehlmung fear, through trying to get others to understand me, or by trying to have others feel sorry for my situation, I will breath, and understand that I cannot continue this pattern by only feeding it and cycling, I must breath and walk my process as life, and regardless of how long it takes, and how in depth it is, the very fact that I'm walking a process, means that it will take a timely process to write myself to become a living process, and therefor I commit myself to not create goals within my process, and to not create these higher simulations of myself in the fear of failing.
When I find myself creating these simulations, and trying to overwhelm myselfm I breath, I write, or if it is very much overwehlming, I go and breath and walk outside, or take a shower, and observe myself within what I am experiencing within that moment, and that that isolation that I seek to get away from being overwhelmed. Is just as equal to the process I was already experiencing to begin with with writing, or washing dishes, or playing guitar, etc.
When I find myself making excuses to not write because I accumulate the fear of faling, I breath, I give my self a moment to stop, observe why I'm doing what Im currently doing, and that that very responsibility, or maybe escapism, is the same process as writing, it is all here, and then self direct myself through writing.
I'm committed to give myself more time t write, and make it as equal to other things that I've created as 'better' than writing, to equalize the relationships.
When I find myself becoming overwhelmed by others aggression, I breath, and I do not respond in any non verbal or verbal manner, and I go to a place where I cannot be intruded, and I write what I'm experience, while breathing as well.
When I find myself accumulating fear and back flashes from the experiences I had from my parents, I breath, I realize that these experiences are but memories which are being created and controlling my reality to try to control me and accumulate patterns, and self investigate my relationships with my parents.
I'm committed to kee consistency within my responsibilities, and not commit to my responsibilities as fear of failing or being punished, but as myself living in each breath within each moment of expression.e
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