So today I have been opened up to a few points within my doubt of self change, but over all nothing similar accumulated, instead I found myself accumulating stress when I found myself with my my neighbor complaining to me that his dads friend had told him that me and him were in a conversation some time ago and I had told him he didn't know what the fuck he was talking about. Now immediately I felt scared and inferior, because first off this neighbor has always pin pointed almost everything I do 'wrong' and therefor when he talks down to me like this as if I'm I trouble, he reminds me of a smaller version of my dad, and so I receive the reaction. Now it wasn't as intense as usual, but clearly it accumulated to me writing this blog. Nonetheless I had told him simply that I had never talked to him, because I never Rembrandt telling his dads friend he didn't know what the fuck he was talking about, and then he told me "it was when you were building an ego over how he didn't know what the fuck he was talking about, etc. etc." and then I remembered, the very last conversations had so him, was when I started my process with desteni, and had got tense when I finally had mentioned some dishonest points within his points, which was dishonest of me because inevitably I felt tense and vulnerable to him attacking me, except usually he just interpts me and I let him say his stuff, but at this point he got very angry at me, and the last thing he said was " if you think I'm in the oil business only for money, you're wrong". S nonetheless I guess I really got to him that night for him to spread a rumor that I told him he didn't I said something derogatory towards him, which actually I very vividly remember when I mentioned the same things in the past, and he had told me that I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about. Now, the reason why I am explaining the situation of our past conversation, is because I've already figured out how I have been in relation, and what kind of characters I tend to be around, or at least who I'm mostly around, which is 'people' who only intend on manipulating me, now of course I've accepted and allowed myself to circulate this from layers of fear and supression, and trying to survive within these kind of relationships only but proves it, and this is the a good time to observe those who I need to be selective from, but it from fear, but merely more distant to not participate, or make myself vulnerable to the fear, because if this little moment made me accumulate intense fear, I can't imagine the layers upon layers that I've Ccepted and allowed with just two specific people, but this also gives me a starting point of how I relate to my animals, and also how I relate to other little things that I become in relation with.
So anyways, once he had responded to my answer, I just said the same thing, even though I know I have talked to him, but either it could've been the fear responding, or simply me just preventing any further conversation, which therefor it would be fear. I could've said "oh yes, I remember we had a conversation and he had gotten upset, but I did not respond to him this way", which I know he would either accumulate his position of talking down to me, or he would go and then when his dads friend asked, or of he just walked up and mentioned me, he would say to him "well he said he didn't say that to you" Jn a deragatory gossiping a manner, or gossiping intended, and then his dads friend would say " oh fuck yeah right etc.". Sm clearly I, explaining what happened in reaction to his aggressiveness and what he told me along with it, which this being the secrete society within my relationship to him and his dads friend, because I know what goes on behind close doors when I'm talking to the,, because it seems they've have said something bad about almost everyone but me, and therefor I accepted and allowed this as well as fear when he or his friend confronts me in this manner, along with the deminsions of my father coming up to me and talking to me with this "or else" scare tactic.
Now once this had all happened, I had walked home to finish blowing off my roof and hosing it, which I walked to this friends house to borrow and extension chord for e leaf blower, but as soon as I began walking back, I had this slight fear and shakiness in myself, as if I have been traumatized, like a small case of PTSD, and then in e I had gotten on my roof and went through breathing while walking home, that's when the thoughts started accumulating. I had remembered when my friend would always point out little things I did wrong, and say I'm stupid, or would tell me to shut the fuck up, or when I got fed up with him treating me like this, I got upset eventually and he said "you're going to get mad now", so clearly I was getting all of the inferior feelings of what I experience with this person, and it Is almost exactly, if not exactly like being with my dad. I then thought about how they are going to talk bad about me, and compared the conversation with other times I've walked in on people gossiping about me, and then suddenly I had compared this with my self change, I had told myself at this point "I can't change, I owe myself to this pattern, they're right, I am a shitty person, and then I created this confusion of what's right anymore, Nd then I started immensely resenting ever have being in relation to this person, as ever having being raised by my father, and strangely I resented his father as if his father has been attacking me, when actually his father only attacked my when I was a kid once, and then one other time, but he was actually always very nice to me, but it seemed I knew inside it was a bullshit niceness, like I could do anything out of his expectations which I knew had a short fuse, and he would completely change. Then I realized that my friend is only traumatized by his father, and was only raised by his father and I new his older brothers always dogged on him, so clearly his inherent design is e same, and I saw the same in his older brother, and his oldest brother. So I've definitely been I. Relation to these individuals very closely and for along time, and hardly ever actually enjoyed it contently.
I have realized that I have allowed myself to always survive within those who only intended on misleading me, and therefor when I see something misleading, I compare it to myself as true, and then get this huge confusion, and then everything seems harder, because if I don't survive within the aggressiveness, then I will not prove to the aggressiveness that I'm good enough for them, if they only saw how much I was nice to them, and supported them, and did this and that for them, and can prove that I am smart, etc.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a reaction of fear when in relation to my friend in all circumstances, where he will one moment be supper exuberant towards me and have this excitement, and then I trigger the fear of what makes him mad, and then will try to act under his circumstances of happiness, and then I will do something and when he gets mad at me I'm like a dog how bows his head when the owner bitches at him.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create resent within this relationship, and therefor this being an end factor to the circulating pattern that occurs when in relation to this friend, and thus when I go back around him, after he had shown me all this aggression, he might drag it on for alittle bit until it ges lighter, and then one day out of no where hell be like "oh hey what's up bro what's up what's up" and I create the goosebumps of relief that I will not get bitched at, and then get all excited.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to continue these relationships where I will try to survive under the others manipulation and deception, and therefor accumulating the relationship only worse and accepted and allowing it to effect my life.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the notion that there's 'assholes', and that people who gossip are assholes, and people who put others down are assholes, which is only but a notion that has been accumulated overtime which is a reflection of others doing to me, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify there abuse towards me as my position, through becoming fearful and letting them talk down to me, soi can feed the egos fear to go and hide and resent the,, and the I can go find reasons and people to try to understand my position of inferiority.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I had used this sort of defense mechanism towards against my father, where when he would yell at me, I would go hide in my room and watch t.v to escape, because it was too much to handle for my inarticulate mind, that I would just tell my self fuck it I'm going to go watch t.v, or go play with my puzzles and toys, and interestingly enough, when my sister has yelled at me, or anyone really has yelled at me, I go hide in my room and start watching YouTube videos.
Another point that happened between me and my father, is that he would say I'm doing something the wrong way in the owner shame manner, and would pick out anything that I was doing wrong and constantly jut bitch at me, and so when I was involved with sports, I would come in with this great fear as if I will get bitched at allot, and therefor was much less aggressive than the other kids and was hesitant within everything I did, and then would quit easily. I remember specifically I would always want to skip practices, and my parents have to actually force me to go to practices. So therefor pretty much I will create the littlest things I do, and constantly compare these things with others, or pretend in my mind as if others are proud of what I'm accomplishing, which I experienced this when the neighbor across the street came out and started moving and saw them look at me "oh they're coming out here mowing because I'm mowing and cleaning they are etc., which obviously accumulated from what I experienced from what my friend expressed towards me.=, and also within my writing have started trying to create this "oh ok good I got this much written" which I've done to some extent within everything else I've written, and then cmpsre it with the other destonians to hope that they are proud of me for writing this much.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to represent my relationships with others as I did my father, thus relating abilitiesy and skills, to how my father presented them to me.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify this relationship my whole life because my father had shown it to me, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be driven by immense failure, and thus when somebody presents forms of aggression towards me, or as if I did something "wrong" I immediately go to what ever extent of overwehlming state as if I'm a failure, and then will pretty much co predict with everything that I enjoy, and take responsibility for, and therefor once I have become consistent with it, I set myself up for this to happen, due to the very fact that I've accepted and allowed myself to set myself up through feeding energy off of my consistency, where I wake up and fee this since if happiness that I'm 'finally consistent' and can take care of myself 'now', and therefore I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the comparisons within my writing, where I have created the sensation if having to write long t make others proud of me, and therefor inevitably getting drained while writing, since I am making it much harder than what it REALly is, as our egos make everything harder than it really is.
I forgive myself hat I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize and understand that this is the very thing that has held me back throughout my life, is this illusion as if everything and me in it is going to fail. Thus like my process with my 7 year journey to life, and like playing music, and like playing a video game, or keeping the house consistently clean, because my dad or mom would say "I'm proud if you" but mostly my dad saying "you're a fucking failure and you might as well fuck yourself in the ass with your head and dig a hole in a dirt with a stick. No sides of which have made me 'work harder' but has made me overwhelm my expression with the notion that if I don't work harder I will fail, and thus realizing that this doesn't fucking work, and just give up.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor compare myself to others who have been able to be consistently responsible within their responsibilities and enjoyments, as if they're better than me, and then when I see these individuals, I look up t them and try to be the. I will create simulations in my head that I'm them, just to make myself aparantly work harder for holding their 'personality' attributes, which I've merely accepted and allowed to create these attributes in my mind as a reflection of my fears.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the future that I'm therefor going to get too overwhelmed to handle myself, and then will fail my process, thus trying to attach other 'personalities' within desteni as myself, like their attributes of talking to therefor protect myself from 'failing' my process to be able to defend those who dare to go against it or say otherwise that I should continue my process.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to create this fundamental theory surrounding my process m that I have to hold this idea within myself that someone Is punishing me with what I'm doing, and therefor I have to feed off of all of my attributes and create them as superior, and therefor everyone I become co existent with, will have this aurora to them of good or bad, or pretty much whether they will support me or not, and then the second I come around the bad ones, I immediately, or almost immediately want to give up, and therefor as with my process, I have accepted and allowed myself to create the desteni members as my 'protectors' within my process, and then those who are outside of desteni as the 'potential aggressors, and therefor separate myself inevitably from everyone, including the desteni members, because I hold this hallucination that someone will somehow attack me from exceeding my process, therefor feeling the need to succeed, suck the seed of potential expression, I have to relate it with everyone else to have them confirm what I'm doing is valid, and therefor universally the things I am going to face that will require breathing spans self forgive,ent statements, will relate to all people and relationships who I will face to write out, which having used those people as e confirmation of my success, and pretty much everything else within my life as this thing that needs to hold confirmation for me, this dependency to show who I am.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the key to in fact progress, and as a process, is to release the foundation, to release the patterns of fear, and realize that only accumulating these fears to suppress them is what's keeping the foundation of the abuse in this world alive, and is apart of the very thing that causes men to bomb countries, to wage wars, is what cause people to go through terror in streets who aremphysicsl victims to these wars, and them being raised in the system being psychologically tormented by the bombs going off, family members losing limbs around them and having slim to no chance of escaping or surviving.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame those this whole time for e abuse, and therefor open comparisons in myself, and self sabotage myself for living under those comparisons, and therefor justifying my position of abuse through creating voids of blaming others, and therefor creating the potential of feeling vulnerable to those I blame, and cycling myself through this self pity pattern of being attacked and having to show 'something' when I'm only trying to survive as a position within survival, and have justified my position through justifying my fathers position, and when I could've consciously taken care of this through self honesty, I allowed the concious fear pattern instead accumulated and take over, clearly, because now I'm paying the price of shedding so many layers of fear, and I've been at the same fucking points that relate to so many different details within me, and these details being the things that trigger within the patterns that accumulate and circulate.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify my position by looking at the world and how fucked up it is, and therefor clearly its fear driven, because I would probably be much more helpless and terrified than the people who live through wars everyday, because I've allowed myself to protect my position as a middle class kid who has to make his p fucking dad proud when going to college, and then stroking my own dick when I succeed, and then sucking on my moms tit when people put me down. I'm what you would call, one of the asshole humans, the one who only gives a fuck about himself, and could give less of a shit that there is animals apsuffering everyday, and children suffering everyday, and who has to be self righteous within his statements and help, because he must create his hell as this image, and therefor doesn't really give a fuck, just wants the payin the end, just wants the hand - job, the handy job, the demand completed and fulfilled. I tickled their fancy, now they have to suck my dick, but of course even if I don't stop finger fucking them and they kee bitching at me, ill keep doing it anyways, because I'm like a man who gets blue balls when In relationship to fucking everything. He'll I wonder why I feel the need to masturbates all the time. All my relationships are like an unstable relationship ( which I've actually exactly participated in relationships this way), which is where I will meet the girl support her, compliment her, we're both enjoying eachother, and then eventually I just want to lay down with her, and have her suck my dick, but I'm usually the one to finger fuck, because I have to make sure she is approving me of my participation in the fucking of eachother, and then when she approves, I get to jizz in where I was finger fucking, and then if she doesn't approve, and just goes to sleep, I become irritated and tired of her, and then leave and go back to fucking myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fuck myself within my process. I try to hold this position of fucking accomplishing my process, where I hold all of these comparisons, and to through the nick method - Create the (N)otion and thus the relationship, (I)nsert my ego/penis to accumulate/seduce, fuck myself and others to think its me (C)aring, and then (Kick) them and myself to the street corner when they don't pay me my pimp money, and wait for another notion to come pick me and wet my dick, because that's what I've accepted and allowed myself to be, a dick, who has to get my head rubbed in order to continue the fucking, to continue going up and down up and down, like having my highs and lows, highs and lows.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize therefor that infiltrating my dick int my process, of having to gain the attention, to have to write to feel better from the fear, therefor accumulate trying to impress etc. etc., is only but going to cause me to stay in the fundamental patterns of rushing everything, and therefor will only create potential moments that I leave cycling through the 'nick' method, the method of abuse, the method of deception to continue the abuse, and therefor deceiving my self through trying to compare myself and my process as life in general to others.
Self correction:
I'm committed to not make myself vulnerable to those who only intend on manipulating me, therefor not creating thwarting points of not creating this vulnerability to survive within my own fuckness of self manipulation, and therefor allow the whole universe to fuck, and fuck me along with it, and understand that I am after all allowing myself to be a participant within fucking, and that regardless of what its driven by, and how intense it is, I accepted and allowed myself to survive within the fucking from the get go, as allowing my father to fuck me, and then he certainly enjoyed that, and then I enjoyed him being a dick, because then he oiled show me how nice it is for him to be a dick t me, and the. I said , oooohhhh, I like this, because first you like "pick up the fucking tools!!!, and then you were all like, hey come here ok budy ok pall oh budy who's my pussy ass son who doesn't know how t do a fucking thing I tell him. Therefor I clearly have allowed myself to kee relationships like this surviving for myself to feel good for suffering, where I can go and hide in my room, and then fuck myself to sleep and then wake up the next day, and then the next day, and then the next day 'ooh I found something else that I can fuck myself' nick method time.
I'm committed to not create but a layer to accumulate my self realization points through creating this moment of jumping up and waving my hands in the air that 'yeaaah I fuckin did it bros' which but only is a reaction to these characteristics of the nick method, the fucking myself, the trying to make others proud of what I do, and that I need to somehow create this higher simulation of myself to be able to accomplish anything, and therefor the nick method comes into play quite well to accumulate this bullshit.
I'm committed to not start this chat in my head as 'phew, finally I'm getting better, as but a reaction from the fear of when I actually could keep consistency in the past, and then holding that fear S if somebody would come in and fuck it up, therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not lie within my words of self forgiveness fully, but instead manipulating my words sj positive bullshit, which thus any meaning that I produce within my words will have nothing if I continue to manipulate my process within the very things that I'm self writing.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not, see, realize, or understand that this is the defense mechenism taking place of my transcending, where I will easily give into the highs, except this time I'm not self blaming myself as much, and this time I'm actually transcending, and that transcending means that giving up your ego, is obviously going to relate with self honesty, because I've been so hoodwinked into manipulations that my ego has accumulated, and therefor the very tool that brings me back here, will consist of deceptions within the very tool, self forgiveness, self honesty.
I'm committed to not confuse this as an ego, therefor justify my position if fear this way, and justify that its 'too hard' and therefor this somehow is ME talking, when really I've accepted and allowed to limit myself from relationships that could show me this more clearly, like writing, due to who, the fucking EGO!
I'm committed to focus n myself therefor within my process, when I say focus on myself, I mean I focus n what I've accepted and allowed, I do NoT compare myself with others in ANY circumstances, I do not justify that I identified patterns must be valid and therefor I have the write to feel overwhelmed ( I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the sensation of feeling overwhelmed simply because the pattern that I'm facing is I recognizable), I do NOT accept and allow others to manipulate me in the old relationships, thus any form of aggression will NOT be tolerated, and if it is tolerated as me, that is me accepting and allowing the abuse, and therefor fucking myself, and fucking those whole even intend on manipulating me, because I am the one fucking allowing them to be that way, so therefor I must self change, and within that self change I do NoT create manipulations of this bullshit accomplishment, or great thing and that "oh look how sophisticated I'm fucking getting yadayadayada" when I'm not seeing, understand, and realizing that simplicity is the highest form of sophistication to the egos eye, and therefor to have myself understand this fully, I must understand that the only thing causing me to feel that things are sophisticated within my experiences, expressions etc. is because of my EGO, and I must lrt the E-nergy GO in order to express and actually physically go, and not going from the starting point of energy, not writing and explaining things from a starting point of energy, and therefor not creating my process as energy, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create that energy within this process, where I will get that sensation to but continue the pattern for tomorrow to occur again,a don't herefor limiting myself for potential self abuse and abuse towards others, because I have accepted and allowed myself to feed energy off of the fear of not being ale to write out my self forgiveness effesiently or 'articulate enough'.
When I find myself creating these starting points of camparng myself to others, and this creating potential openings of being overwhelmed, or when I do get overwhelmed with fear, I breath, I slow down, and I do not accumulate through the patterns, and investigate myself as to why I'm allowing myself to accumulate the patterns, and therefor making it clearer without the influence of the pattern energy to cause me to influence my investigation with fear, and thus causing me to accumulate uncertainty and doubt within my process, for e very fact that fear creates uncertainty in doubt in those that hold it most intensely.
Wen I find myself busy while being presented fear from others, I simply practice breathing, and stating self forgiveness alud, and then practicing breathing more, etc.
I'm committed to not accept notions of my process in general, in regards to all living participations of details of accomplishments, thus when I find myself in circumstances of creating these details and little things to feed off of, I breath, and see, realize, and understand, that these are merely accumulative patterns that is what feeds my inherent design, and t in fact rid the inherent design, I must In Fact transcend, but this also means that I must transcend within my transcending.
When I find myself with uncertainty, and self doubt in self change, I breath, find myself here, and apply myself to do what's best for myself, not for my ego, and therefor do what's best for all life.
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