Lingering self destruction (self correction)

So in the past to nights, I have once again found myself lingering mind energy, but where did action come from, and why did I just let it happen and not take any self responsibility within the process? It seems I've accepted and allowed myself to be an introverted person. I've always gotten extremely overwhelmed when anyone around me would present this non stop bombardment of aggression, or at least I've found the experience of their expression towards me to this extent of intensity. I remember back when I use to play sports, that it wasn't long till I felt very inferior to the teammates or coaches who would express aggression towards me, or when I would receive derogatory statements from the teammates almost inevitably within every sports event, to add on to that, I only let this effect my performance, because of course, since everyone kept mentioning to me how bad I was, I certainly got the fucking picture eventually. So therefor I quit sports fairly quick, and eventually grew very fearful of involving myself wi any team, or where I would actually have to be involved with more than two people who I quickly would make aware of myself that these people have restrictions that would imminently involve being directed towards me.

It seems that I've traced this back to my parents. What recently had made me overwhelmed involved my mom, and things got out of hand, and so I ran to my room and hid and put myself on the deep end as I've always had with everything and my parents (besides music). I've always tried to prove someone to everyone, especially my parents, that I wasn't a failure, and that I could keep consistency, by any point where I would run into anyone who I felt vulnerable towards who would tell me otherwise, or present to me otherwise, easily effects me, and so after I 'ought' that I was doing great with everything and 'finally' able to accomplish something in consistence, I get presented a restriction , or some form of aggression, and almost immediately go not self blame, self sabotage, and start to resent pretty much the entire human race, and wish for everyone to be incinerated in nuclear war, and especially resent my parents immensely for accepting and allowing myself to let their words put me on the lowest end of everything, or the memory of their actions towards me when I was a child.

In conclusion I've found that this is obviously involved with my process of self writing and self directing. I will feel the need to have t confirm myself through any form of acknowledgment that I'm coexistent with others who are participating in the same thing, and then I feel the need to get likes for my process to feel confirmed and relieved that I'm not going to 'fail', and so obviously when other people outside of desteni present to me otherwise, I get easily overwhelmed and irritated, and then will go into the self sabotage, self hate, self blame, confusion, and overwhelm myself and beat myself up when I've figured out I depend so much on my environment, because I've always hide from my environment through introversion; music, masturbation, cigarettes, etc. hell even my bedroom shows it - dim all the time, dark colors, etc. - and so therefor hiding has made me enslaved to it in the first place, which my main weakness is feeling the need that I always have to have others looking at what I'm doing and supporting it, and when I realize I can't be supported all the time, I try to find people to relate to me with what I'm doing, and then when non of that works I put myself on the lowest end and want to just give up, or commit suicide at some points. So when I involve my writing, I find that when this happens, I go through all of this, and I say to myself 'ill never be good enough to do my process, yet I know not doing it will just lead me back to the mind energy - and so I end up hiding and giving up and completely being aware that I'm just feeding back into the same hiding shit and self destruction and knowing I can take care of it then in there, but the fact that I've already opened up my process as having to accomplish or impress others with it has created the barrier of even giving a fuck to write anymore, and I immediately feel drained, and then when I get confirmation from one of the members, or help from another member when I tell them about the situation, then I get the confidence again, and then will get 'motivated', but I find myself only doing it from this self interest starting point once again, because I find that I'm not so willing to write again yet, but just procrastinate through trying to feed off of everything that I could find 'accomplishing, to reaffirm that I am capable of writing again, and will also relate these accomplishments to the people who helped me, and grow this attachment towards them, and when in the scenario of a female, create the female as an admiration point for 'relating to me', and in some circumstances in my life, have created this as the law of attraction point, or where I would fall for the female easily.

So it all is lingering energy as this all is accumulative for the very foundation of fear within almost anything that requires consistant responsibilities, and have potential restrictions.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fall into the course of action within responsibilities from the starting point of wanting to gain some form of acknowledgment from others to confirm that I will be successful within my responsibilities, or hobbies, etc.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have required this sort of attention through have being introverted most of my life, and thus this introversion merely being an escapism from my people, and my outside environment that were ever involved in my past, which I've now created as something that should be feared.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my parents have been a major source of why I've always felt the need to gain attention or acknowledgment for something I'm 'accomplishing', therefor when I begin to start something, I will want to talk about it with everyone around me, or will at least make it noticeable without pushing it too forward.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is but setting myself up for putting myself on the deep end if what I'm doing, for having to mention these things to other people to but only hope that they do not discourage me, or at least a way of building up 'encouraging' words to store in my mind to protect myself for later when others give ,e 'discouraging' words. Therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define my expressions, participations, and responsibilities as things that need to be either encouraged or discouraged by others within my everyday environment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this has but created unhealthy relationships with everyone I run into, for the fact that I create an opening of eventually resenting them for the fact that I accept and allow myself to have to present an image as supportive of them and myself, and so when - for instance - I go and tell my mom or dad about something, and they start opening these scenarios of what caused me to fail, and what will make me fail, gets me extremely irritated at them and causes me to start hating them or wanting to completely separate myself from them and not have anything to do with them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor start to blame them why I feel discouraged when they do present these scenarios, and where I will hide in my room and completely isolate myself from everyone, because I then feel as if the guys I run not will discourage me or point out flaws about me, or when running int females try to impress them and show myself supportive to them in fear of how the guys present me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus create myself as a very selective person of who I hang out with, through having to relate myself to others struggles and therefor having to fix what they have wrong with them within how interact with them to show I'm supportive, and thus only being able to keep it surviving if they are able to bare with it ( this is mainly males)

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have to take care of females, or relate to them and co exist as equally struggling through the same things, and therefor creating this attraction through having to feel needed, or where I will compliment them, and create this intense admiration towards them, and buy them things, but only bonding with females from the starting point of not being an 'asshole', and being able to take care of them, and thus only taking care of them or being nice to them essentially from the starting point of wanting the females to understand, like how I always feel the need for my mom to understand.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is vis versa with males, which is also how I'm related with my dad. Where my father would get n to me and yell at me when I would make a mistake when I was a child, and therefor I feel extremely intimidated and inferior to males around me, and am extremely selective of which male I can trust that won't put me n the spot all the time, and where I can have superiority over the male I'm around, to therefor help them them in the way I try to with irks, except ore of a brotherly type way where it is mutual Y agreed upon that I'm the leading role as an example for the male, and therefor inevitably creating myself the opening of getting extremely separating when I feel I'm being attacked from what I'm trying to help the male with, or when they do not accept my help to them, thus not actually helping them for the fact that I had to fulfill this role, role model, the image. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor define my entire life and responsibilities, and relationships to having to be approved of what I'm understanding, what I'm doing, what I'm supporting etc. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create these points within my self writing, where I will open the same point if having to gain the acknowledgment within my compounded 'encouraging' thoughts, and then once I can build up enough encourage energy, I THEN start to write, or workout, etc. I pretty much have to start what I'm doing from the point of what imagery to me is defined as 'winning', like working out or eating healthy: a specific body image, or like playing guitar; having to look and sound good in front of others, or best the others who are better than me, etc. So clearly this point of having to feed off of this large amount of support, is all derived from my own self discouragement within itself, and only but creates these points where I will immediately give up, and go into hiding mode. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself go into hiding mode when all of these accumulative points overwhelm me, thus when I find myself as a complete, and utter failure and fuck up to the world. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into the self blaming, and self sabotaging, and therefor linger myself into not more icing, and only more determined to give up, and commit suicide, etc. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself not breath in these moments, or gather myself to why I arrived at that point of intensely and becoming overwhelmed. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not self correct myself when I go back into self forgiveness, for how to prevent myself from lingering the energy once again. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify my lingering from myself being overwhelmed in the first place, and not gathering myself and back tracking why I became overwhelmed. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body, and my health and my consistency due to lingering this energy, and going into excessive eating, or masturbation, pornagraphy, etc. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have ever been defined by having I gain the orgasm within what causes me to become self destructive in the first place - being introverted, having t confirm everything I'm doing through getting attention for it and encouragement. Im committed to breath, and gather myself when I become overwhelmed, and take action for what's tactical when I accept and allow myself to become overwhelmed by this universal perception which I've accepted and allowed. I'm committed to not go int any further lingering if I d however end up hiding, becoming upset and aggressive or restful towards others etc. I am committed to not feed int energy of positivity when I find myself becoming overwhelmed, or find myself inferior within this universal perception, and instead breath, and take necessary actions to what can calm down what I've accepted and allowed, and self correct my steps to make sure I do not linger any further. Thus this is where I will self correct myself within how I will manage myself when in situations of becoming overwhelmed with discouragement, where I participate in my mind to feed off of energy which causes me to hide. When I find myself around my parents, and I find myself becoming irritated, I will simply keep quite, breath, let them speak, and walk away and continue my responsibilities within the given moment, or self write what I xperience within those irritations. When I find myself that I cannot walk away, and maybe are driving in the car with the,, I will stay quiet, breath, and gather how to respond rationally, and practically. If they happen to linger towards a point of wanting to out me on the deep end, or create and argument or point of manipulation, or if I feel vulnerable as if they are doing this, I will breath, and find myself win that given moment, and simply respond wi what's practical, or keep quiet. When I find myself around others, and I find myself trying to impress the,, or feel vulnerable to specific people, I will breath, and simply not involve myself as much as possible within what I've allowed to accumulate, and continue breathing, or if possible, go away and write, or take part in y responsibilities, or maybe go play the guitar to compose music or learn health etc. When I find used out in public with someone where I'm hanging out, and I find myself feeling intimidated, or vulnerable within this universal perception and cannot leave within the given moment, I will breath, and self correct my self, and manage how I respond to the others around me. I am committed to be by myself more, thus focus on myself to not create openings where I'm trying to help everyone or please everyone, or worry how others percieve things etc. I'm committed to not beat myself up when I find myself accumulating this energy, and instead breath, and focus on what schedules I've made for what I need to take care of, or self write, or play my music, or go outside and walk or play basketball, and find myself within each moment of breath I'm participating in individually, and without the having to have it as this image for others to see. I'm committed to take self responsibility for myself as life, and do it because it is what's best for myself as life, and not allow myself to accumulate points of self interest t the point of intense hiding, and self hate etc. but to always trace back my steps through breathing, and self direction.