Day 7 - doubt in self change (part 1)

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create doubt in my self change, which usually occurs the moment I begin to wake up.

 I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor hold the notion that I must go through some form of trauma to have to 'want' to write out my blogs, and that I must experience so much bullshit to like reconfirm what I'm doing is valid. I forgive myself that I've accepted and speed myself to not realize that I'm creating these random openings of hesitation simply due to the fear of his others view the world. For instance: I look at a comment on Facebook that shows somebody saying they believe in god, or somebody saying ' I don't care what others think' and then going into this rant how everyone but them is the problem, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go throu the sort of runtime where I will wake up, and depict what I'm going to have to protect myself from within the world conciousness system, or basically what I will universally run into, and then is triggering the sort of memory where I feel confused and uncertain of how to percieve anything, which this being the effect of already having uncertainty in myself, and the potential relations that are going to occur throughout my day.

 I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to in reaction to this, to go into excuses of why I shouldn't continue my process of self change: "well how I'm feeling right now towards my process must be valid, because clearly I'm experiencing this reaction, and this reaction has always told me what I'm feeling is true", when really this reaction is a feeling of apathy due to the built up stress and confusion I've accepted and allowed from my past reactions to others claiming that what I was doing was valid or invalid.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself tho therefor define what's valid by having to confirm with what someone else says, and thus this in itself is the very thing that tries to convince me that what I'm discovering within myself throu self honesty isn't real, and therefor I must create this drive of going and telling other people and presenting my self discoveries, or giving input within relation to my self realizations within what ever the topic is, and therefor trying to create a higher simulation within my own process, due to this stress and fear of someone attacking me and 'disagreeing' with my self honest explanations, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create distrust within my relationships, thus this showing that all my relationships that ever existed in my life, was a way of convincing myself to hold only distrust, which has been layered with that dishonest point, and therefor I'm merely going trough a current process of finally understanding that the relationships that actually exist in co existence to me is one and equal.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor be diverse within my process, which have I really understood what a process means? I mean, I can explain all of these reasons for why I haven't been consistent with equal relationships, but then I say "I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor be diverse within my process", when the whole time stating that, I convince myself that that diversity is real, because I'm clearly not able to fundamentally explain why it is diverse.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor compare myself to others situations of diversity. I will think about how that her destonians will look t what I'm writing, and confirm what I'm writing by liking it. I will therefor compare myself to others self abuse, and feel as if I'm the same way, and then immediately go towards the feeling of having to accomplish myself within writing, and therefor creating these openings of diversity within my writing, and therefor not fully understanding the meaning of what I'm stating, because that relationship of my self within coexistence is based on deception of myself, therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself. To continue to have this sense of trying to deceive myself while I'm writing out self forgiveness, which is but my mind creating a defense tactic for itself to survive, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create my writing process as me ending against what I'm writing, by creating these higher simulations of myself with others praising it, or me feeling better after I'm writing, therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the boredom and struggle through being able to write and self forgive consistently.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor be unequal within my breath while writing, and thus while doing anything, because I constantly try to create a higher simulation that is completely or relevant to the equal relationship, therefor I, trying to dominate that relationship in itself, to simply feed the ego, which will inevitably manipulate that relationship, and only but cause myself to create this deep end opening of losing, and therefor I only accumulate and continue the busy or potential anise that manifests from that mind energy.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor manipulate my process, through creating blame of myself within what I've accepted and allowed, and then in effect I go through the need to put myself on the deep end within my process, and therefor and manipulating the very relationship that is helping me rid that manipulated, that ego, and then manipulating the process which comes from self honesty, as the higher points of 'accomplishing my limitations' which the drive of accomplishing in itself is from the comparisons to the specific points I  apply self forgiveness towards, and creating those points that I accumulate within my mind as the reason why I'm not able to change myself, instead of simply understanding that  breathing through and self directing these accumulated points.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor procrastinate the process itself by running to self interests that are outside of writing, since Im being self honest within this point, its to Inconvient to my self interest, and therefor I have to accumulate a different pattern of abuse which I've accepted and allowed, like sex, or music, or cleaning, or any other relationship that can give me my mind feel.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor only intend on accumulating patterns of fear to help my self interest survive, as creating these monuments within the moments, so therefor instead of actually breathing, and actually living, I only intend on circulating the patterns of self abuse and fear through feeding the habit by running to accomplishment feelings, or masturbation, etc.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor never really live in what my bodies doing, and what my body functions as physically, but instead feed the function of ego, or fear, of hallucination, and to only but procrastinate my expression within writing, or within any other self responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to now realizing this, percieve it as "awe man well that sucks" when not realizing that there's nothing that I was ever struggling with when I was breathing, but this "awe man that sucks" reaction is but me still trying to convince myself that that fear is real, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that writing is what is going to get rid of these definitions that I've accepted and allowed, and that the only way to rid myself of these defintions is to live through writing, and not protect my definitions, and that writing is the very thing that allows me to breath, and actually and in fact walk through these points of fear, for what's best for myself, for what is in fact best for all.

Therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to never want to do what is in fact best for all within my process of living, but that any form of support given from me would be manipulated by my mind to feed the fear of failing, and therefor would manipulate what's supportive for myself and others as is higher simulation point to make my self feel Better under the coexistence of that equal relationship, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is the effect from comparing myself to my environment, and that I've accepted and allowed myself to interpret my environment as something that wants to attack me, and therefor I must dominate, and therefor within any of my expressions i will clearly become drained, because I've created my relationships as this circulating battle, and therefor just tire myself out from nothing, just bullshit thoughts.
I therefor forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate my breath as something that is this hard responsibility, since I've created my thoughts as something more important than my own breath itself, therefor not understanding that my thouts are what my breath allows, and therefor equalizing my thoughts with my breath, is the very thing that is occurring when I write, and therefor when I breath, it is the reconfirm action that I am that breath, and therefor what ever accumulates in my head that is trying to dominate my breath, therefor only intends on dominating life, should be breathed into equality, and therefor that is what will in fact bring my back to my natural equality to within all co existing relationships. It is all chemistry, everything, and the ego is the abstract hallucination that will inevitably manifest unequal actions, and should not be justified as and equal relationship, otherwise that is a statement created by the deception of our egos.
Within all of this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to continue my relationships to my environment, as the relationship that my father presented himself to me, and thus creating the distrust he manifested towards me as life, and justifying his actions as who I am, as I justify others actions as who I am, when it never effected my living organism in the first place, I simply unconciously accumulated his actions through osmosis as me, and layered it until now, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to layer justifications within the distrust of my writing process, within responsibilities, relationships, etc.
Self correction

I'm committed to not manipulate my relationships through creating higher simulations of myself to feed the very thing that has caused the fear in the first place. I'm therefor committed to understand that there is already an eaual relationship between what I'm experiencing, and anything which would convince me otherwise is but a reaction from the fear and distrust of my coexistence, which derives from the osmosis which I received from my father when I was fairly young, and that I've merely layered that distrust through these higher simulations, which will only be stopped from accumulating, if I in fact breath, and therefor equalize my thoughts and breath when what I'm already experiencing within that equal moment, and therefor I'm committed to create my writing as an equal moment of expression,a don't it this point of trying to relieve the distrust which but accumulated from the distrust of everything else. I'm committed to therefor not accumulate that distrust in my self writing by justifying the fear that I receive from osmosis, by creating confusion whether my process of self writing is valid, since I'm but subconsciously telling myself, that all of the other moments when I've accepted and allowed distrust, must've been true, simply because the higher sensations I received from the distrust would validate the manipulate causing this distrust, and therefor I'm committed to uphold my breath within the physical, and therefor understand that writing is but equalizing my thoughts within the breath, and stopping separated and accumulated thoughts, the accumulating which a accuses life for being invalid, and therefor accuses equality for being invalid. Wen I find myself rushing accumulated thoughts, and therefor high sensational experiences, I breath and equalize myself with those thoughts, thus investigating - investing my breath to bring back the thoughts to what is here, and reprogramming myself to the program I already am, I'm the program which runs the system of nature, and keeps the engine of nature going, therefor getting the wires and settings in my program back to default. When I find myself creating a defense mechanism to keep the preprograming surviving through comparing my reprogramming to others reprogramming, or in other words creating my reprogramming as an accomplishment, I breath, and equalize myself within the moment of with which I'm writing NOw, and not accumulating - accusing that others are great and better than others for reprogramming, therefor only protecting myself in my preprograming, by manipulating the relationship into a position, flipping it around - relationship - repositioning myself within the moments I experience as an dual relationship. I'm committed to to therefor equalize my relationships within what I experience day on and day out, through making plans that are equal to what's best for myself now, and what's best for all with what I'm experiencing now, and with playing music, with writing, cleaning etc. and breathing through every moment as equal to what I'm supporting. And not accumulating higher positions within what I'm doing and therefor only intending on implementing ego within my living process. When I find myself creating higher simulations within my ohysical process, especially when I've gotten through the coexisting relationship, I breath, and understand that finishing that moment or writing, of cleaning, of practicing of playing the song, is just as equal to the beggening, and that there was never a time frame within what I was doing, because I already experienced moment by moment, and am still experiencing the moment. I am thus committed to equalize myself with my moments, and not create one particular moment as superior than other moments, therefor not accumulating myself on the deep end since I'm relating the beggening 'past moment' as I've already failed and then once I finish I compare this as the 'future' of when I will somehow not fail again, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare my moments as the past and future, And therefor both requiring patterns to keep the moment diverse and elf destroy the moment I'm experienceing. I'm committed to therefor not manipulate moments as past and present, and therefor not relate past and present to the ohysical moment that is happening, and therefor am committed to investigate what I relate to as past and present to the moment now, and thus actually self write, and equalize myself within the moment of breath, and concepts and words.