Day 2 - making plans to feel accomplished

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create happy feelings when I become aware that I need to create a schedule to help me keep stable through my weeks. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus create these schedules from the confounds of self interest onstead of what's best for myself as a responsibile being. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to always create schedules in my mind to thus procrastinate actual self responsibility, thus the starting point of needing to write a schedule doesn't completely fulfill what and when I need to fulfill ech individual responsibility, but instead as a way to fulfill the self interests that have always run throu my head. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create this sort of bore and impatience within what I schedule, due to the idea that I'm going to get somewhere and be successful with what I'm going to do. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor use schedules as scapegoats to feel better about all the other times I failed, and thus writing don what I'm going to do and will 'win' this time will prevent my 'failure'. I forgive myself ythat I've accepted and allowed myself to hold this idea of 'ill do it tomororrow' and making schedules therefor creating the fantasies of what I 'will' do once its schedule, thus suppressing the fact that ve always procrastinated self responsibility for the betterment of an ego drive. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is a form of self improvement, of trying to better myself to the standards my ego will be pleased with. For instance: fearing 'not' getting through my self writing and failing, thus my ego manipulates that fear through writing schedules. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel fear of failing my process, as if I will give up again. Therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow fear of absence to be the starting point of wanting to participate. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor feel tired, and bored when I actually do begin to anticipate in responsibility, and in this case writing. Where I will suppress the fear of failure through wanting to rush through my writing to just be like "well ok I did something at least I accomplished through that one and didn't fail. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be defined by failure, to go through all thoughts that can deceive me into actually practically achieving my fullest potential, by anything which counters my ability or potential ability. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to get overwhelmingly fearful and escalate these thoughts as if they are really ,e, and as if I should really listen to them and make them as truth - "oh nick you know you're going to question your process again, because its WRONG, and you need to stop and feed me, the mind, and I will manipulate your practical certainties by whatever way possible to make sure you fail" like a demon possessing me. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor depend on the acknowledgment of others, to confirm that what I'm doing is and will be a valid outcome, or 'successful' due to the intense fears. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have always depended on my environment to tell me what I'm for is valid or invalid, that writing self process can only be valid if the majority of people in the world say Its valid, or just more people than the current number of destonians. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor depend on society and spathe world conciousness system to empower myself as a being, therefor eliminating my full potential already as life throb what others have participated in and as an ego, even those who had supportive answers of questions, still participated and manifested this ego. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to idolize these individuals, or really feel the need to have to idolize somebody to confirm that what I'm doing is valid, instead of practically living this expression as life. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor be influenced by all of the people who ever told me I was going to fail, to al the people who were aggressive towards what I was doing, and easily being vulnerable to there bullshit. Y. I forgive myself that I've Accepted and allowed myself to therefor not participate in expression or responsibility as my physical expression, but as this fucking thing to please others, to have to get others to acknowledge this, to have to show somebody that I'm getting results, therefor running to the masturbation I commit within self improvement. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate the mind energy of self improvement to responsibility, thus creating all of these higher simulations of myself that I 'will' get 'better' I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus create these simulations when I'm practically expressing to but manipulate my expression to please this ind simulation, thus inevitably abuse myself potentially and others for the sake of the self interest of that simulation. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to acknowledge everything that is cause and effect within my expression or responsibilities, for instance; right now my mind created the idea that 'oh look how much I've been writing, this is superior than others, feel good about this now, because you were just expressing you should be proud of that nick' I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the need to feel superior or proud within my expressions or responsibilities, to but only suppress my fear of failure, and thus not fully experience what it means to express and take full and consistent responsibility. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to always have to create some window opening within my expression or responsibility as this thing that needs to give me an orgasm, this thing that must give me the feeling of power, instead of experiencing my living expression and what that can I fact empower my being. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor still depend on the thoughts of failure to continue my expression and responsibility. For instance when I get these feelings, I automatically leave and opening to have the thoughts of failure, or what I've accepted and allowed myself to perceive as failure, to thus only feed the thought of accomplishment. I forgive myself that I've therefor accepted and allowed myself to blame the people or environment which I think of for my failure, and be judgmental towards them or that environment that its 'their fault' when it was always my fault, because I've always accepted and allowed myself to be subtle to imagery which triggers these failures within my mind. I am committed to not be driven by failure, but instead be a living expression within the moment, and make that what I'm doing, and not some competition within myself where I win here and lose there. I'm committed to not buy into the energy which generates, or escalate this energy more through feel is of accomplish nets. I'm committed to not run to rushing within my responsibilities to et this orgasm, but to stop and breath, and realize that my actual expression and self is here within what I'm doing. I am committed to not be defined by my environment as a failure, to not be guided by those who only intend on seeing me fail, and to simply breath, and realize that the only thing making me subtle to these things is my own mind and ego. I am committed to not go into introversion, or making schedules when I see myself participating in this form of failing happening within my thoughts. I am committed to not really on external beings to define when I'm doing seeing valid or not, and breath and realize my self writing, and responsibility is my living expression, freeing my self as is mind which becomes easily manipulative towards my expression through this. I am committed to not start things or begin my responsibilities or expression from the starting point of fearing obstacles or barriers within the environment around what I will potentially be doing, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to previously think of all of the things that 'prevent' me from taking self responsibility, if only but my mind judging that environment due to it being a possible thing that will not give me the orgasm my mind requires. I am committed to not expect any good feelings within my self responsibility or expression, or create any higher simulation within my expression when I notice that I've been physically expressing. I'm committed to not allow my past p to define my now, neither my future which I generate from the fear of what had happened in the past. I'm committed to not allow these thoughts to escalate fear within myself, thus inevitably leaving openings to feel the need to get the orgasms. I'm committed to write schedules and participate in these things from the starting point of a living expression, and what's best for my living expression.