Day 5 - justifying reasons to not transcend

A after a few days of self writing, I go into a process of reacting in denial within my responsibilities. This is a reaction caused by my feelings being deminished day by day, and through fear I immediately grow this uncertainty of my transcending, and whether it is valid. I will use opinions and the aggression within my environment to justify not being able to transcend, because I've accepted and allowed myself to be brainwashed by things that trigger fear within myself, and become confused how to transcend, or just generally become overwhelmed with this fear of being brainwashed, which therefor will manipulate my process as the same to a much smaller degree however. I've found that this is all completely me justifying my accepted and allowed brainwashing, and that it is a defense mechanism to keep myself within what I've accepted and allowed as universal, and therefor justify that by allowing myself to be brainwashed by things within the system, or my environment, or maybe something on the Internet or t.v etc. So I've realized that the only way I will understand my process, and understand what is best for all and that practical reality, is to not give into the feelings, which obviously I will again, but instead is time breathing, and then realizing that that feeling is but generated by the fears tht I've accepted and allowed to generate within what I'm presented from the physical. S therefor I must understand that these fears are but an enslavement of the system, and that I justify these fears through confusion, and will justify the confusion from being confused before, and then fear that confusion, and as you see I already get caught in my own trap. Also I've realized that when I apply self forgiveness, I'm never expressing the words with fully understanding the,, because I continue to hold fear of uncertainty of my process, and therefor I try to force the words to understand them, and wonder why I can't understand them completely and then second guess myself with feelings/fear. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify my feelings through others aggression, and what they participate in, as well as media, certain content on the Internet, etc. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to loop the good feelings through feeding off others aggression and then therefor justifying to myself why I am having the good feelings is because of THEM, and therefor it is that very feeling deceiving me into keeping my feelings existing. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor become confused of what is valid or invalid, because I'm not allowing myself to be consistent within transcending, and instead still have feelings that I'm trying to protect deeply, and therefor I use a defense mechanism of relating those feelings to my environment, and quickly try to verify those feelings because my environment merely triggers these feelings, and therefor instead of writing my self forgiveness to transcend myself from this enslavement of feelings, I instead create confusion of 'well my feelings have always told me its this way' and therefor I'm in fear of transcending that into what's best for all life, and continue to be hoodwinked into bullshit love and light, and will especially try to justify this after I've fed off of enough aggression, which is the very thing that keeps the feelings of good which protect from the bad. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create aggression within my process. Where I will create others who are still buying into the system as the aggressors, and refer create there aggression as an excuse to sort of create my writing as a way of more so venting my acceptances Nd allowance from the aggressors, and therefor once I lose what ever portion of self interest of that venting, I become confused n how I'm supported to 'want' to kee writing, and therefor I misconstrue the whole meaning of writing with feelings, and then my mind try's to disprove it as invalid, because the feeling is essentially never going to exist if I'm transcending from bullshit feelis themselves. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor try to help others or procrastinate my writing throu helping others understand desteni, and obviously being very fearful of sharing because I haven't even applied any real change in myself of actually being able to live the words, because I've accepted and allowed myself to not live the words when I'm writing. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to rather hide in my words from the fear I've accepted and allowed, and use it as a way of protecting the good feelings from the fear, thus I forgive myself at I've accepted and allowed myself for fear to define my so much that when I self write, I'm exposed to these fears, and then react in hiding through procrastinating any further self direction, and the go into trying to have others understand, or wishing others would understand, which is but me creating a dependency in environment still, and therefor creating myself as vulnerable to my environment, for the fact that that environment in itself is what creates the generations in my mind of good feelings, and therefor causes me to be confused as t why its so hard to transcend. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to continue to hold dependency towards my environment to survive as feelings, and as the mind, and therefor my mind becoming subtle to the environment, and then manipulates my process in itself because I've accepted and allowed myself to use my process as a way of protecting from my environment, which is sending on my environment, and therefor dependency, is what deepens the enslavement of feelings, because I've accepted and allowed myself t be layered by feelings because I've been enslaved. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not take my process into consideration tht its best for myself, and that my process is supported to be about myself, and myself living as physical, and in relation to the physical, therefor transcending from relationships of enslavement, and thus not actually transcending old relationships which required feeling, but instead creating an I'd type of relationship within my process, and therefor manipulating my process like I manipulate all of my other physical relationships, and therefor will manipulate the manipulation through justifying its very existence. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not self write when I overwhelm myself with manipulation, but instead accumulate it for the very fact that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear it, and therefor once I do realize I must self write, I create self writing as a way to suppress the fear, and then that manipulates the self writing, and then I'm only open to once again fall int the manipulation of feelings, and en et confused on how to solve it, because I've created my relationships as manipulation, thus a distrust within those relationships which actually are supportive for what's best for me, and therefor misconstrue my self writing at some points, or at least my mind will attempt to succeed in misconstruing it, which usually happens by going back into memories of hearing others tell me desteni is bullshit, or spending on gurus/philosophers like alan watts to tell me what's valid and nvalid, therefor the fact that there was no certainty within my coexistence within those relationships, I related it to myself, and therefor am keeping myself prisoner from myself, and continue to cease to be able to understand what it means to truely transcend, and to be unconditionally expressive win writing and self responsibility, and also what I enjoy, which really is self responsibility. I mean we've been presented by our parents and teachers that self responsibility is this 'DO IT NOW OR ELSE!' And therefor anything that's actually good for us is misinterpreted as this thing we have to push ourselves through, and therefor can't even trust our own expressions within self responsibility to what ever extent, because we've been conned int the conciousness representation, that you must fear and hate certain responsibilities/expressions, and then others that counter to those hated ones are the ones that you 'like' because it but creates a higher simulation of expression for the fact that its an escapism from the expressions which you percieve as 'boring' and 'hard' and 'useless' and therefor distrust all forms of expressions, because the fact that we have lived by the very notion that there's expressions that are boring and useless etc. causes a limitation within the ones we 'like' because it creates this unnecessary drive on analyzing and criticizing to merely physical expressions that program our feeling reactions. So therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate myself to writing and self responsibility for what is best for all in this sene, because I've tried making it as this 'I like what's best for all more than what's best for my self' which is completely contradicting what is best for all in the first place, because what's best for all holds no limitations of self interest which holds this very bulks hit notion, so therefor when I realize that my self interest isn't pleased with what's best for all, my mind tries to lead me back to self interest, and then when I realize self interest is but traumatizing myself as a being, I run and hide in what's best for all. So I'm really fucking myself within my whole process and not getting anywhere within transcending within this acceptance and allowance of self interest manipulation. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to best myself up as a way of self sabotage within self interest, and therefor using self sabotage as a way to manipulate myself back to the good feelings which hides me from the fears which I'm accepting and allow, which this prevention from myself transcending clearly generating much fear, because the reality of living in the physical in itself is completely alien to what I've accepted and allowed in and as the mind, so self sabotage of what I've accepted and allowed is clearly a cleaver way fr my mind to feed itself, because its how its always fed itself from the get go, due to the fact that my bullshit illusions don't really exist, and it will find ways of self sabotaging itself to feed itself again, like when an alchoholic gets drunk while hating himself for drinking, and use the hating himself to feed the energy to drink some more, and then will go out and tell everyone he's a fuck up, and then have others feel sorry for him, and then he can feel sorry for himself even more through self sabotaging, excuses excuses excuses, and therefor the mind itself is an excuse mechanism for its own existence, and therefor its impossible to ever get rid of our excuses unless we get rid of the source of what creates excuses and justifications, and will not know when our minds triggers excuses unless we self write, because self honesty is the tru that were an organism, and therefor deminished the excuses that would suggest otherwise, and therefor the more we write the more we can depict what we justify in and as our mind, and thus we begin to actually live as a physical being once we can depict our reality more and more to what's practical and not judgements created within ourselves that merely reflect the excuses for the bullshit that we manifest as judgements. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not fully transcend, to not fully apply myself to transcending, but instead making excuses tha its the beggening of my process, and therefor using that as an excuse to keep some of the feelings, and somehow I will just get rid of involving myself with the mind through riding myself of the involvement to an extent over the days, when that statement in itself shows that I'm not willing to transcend from my involvement in the mind, and of course will therefor use my process in these manipulative ways, and will but keep the mind surviving and existing as long as I live. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create scenarios of my future self when I won't be completely involved in the mind, which is my mind creating the process as a self interest point, and will convince me to stay in my mind through creating my very process as a position, and will d this more intensely the more I walk my process, because my mind wants to survive within its relationships. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor get tired and off track within writing, where I will be consistent and then after a while I will detract slowing down and the confusion comes back, which shows that I'm continueing to try to survive in and as feelings within what I'm doing, and that I must require feelings within my process, the drive, which is but surviving as the fears against fear, and running to writing, and try to create this high simulation of my writing, and therefor once I try to fulfill this 'achievement/ fear from failure' I will fall back into the direction of fear of fear, and will continue to distrust myself within my process. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not adapt to actual transcending through writing, but instead think that I have to live by definitions of fear to have the expression if writing, or really a drive, so therefor I will open myself to feelings, and wait until I've accumulated enough fear to want to write again, instead of writing simply as an expression from opening up why I generate these fears and feelings in the first place, which is really what self writing is, and not this way to accumulate fears, and then hide from those fears through writing to therefor feel better from the very fears being accumulated. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor beat myself up as a way of self sabatoging myself from understanding the true meaning of writing, and therefor continue to cycle myself through these built up fears, and then hiding etc., and prevent myself from in fact transcending myself by actually understanding why I write, and the practical reason for writing, which is to record self direction to life, and away from living as a fear driven illusion, or s driven by feelings, thus I forgive myself that I've generally been driven by feelings within self responsibility and my writing process. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go therefor go into fear that I will go back into the feelings and misconstruing after I am done writing, which thus still trying to manipulate myself back into the system of feelings by justifying that others participate, and therefor I must still be participating if they are - justification if the mind to continue existing, so therefor my mind is fearful of my writing, and I accept and allow myself to continue myself as mind energy for the fact the mind has to exist for it become fearful, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the mind, and therefore implement my mind within my process by justifying others who participate in their minds as who I am. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create this idea that 'oh well now my mind might manipulate me again if I'm not careful' which is but a defense mechanism of the very awareness that I've accepted and allowed myself to live in and as the mind, so thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use the very universal perceptions that I know are accepted and allowed, as a way of 'thhinking' that I can't empower myself as life from these bullshit perceptions, therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define my own brainwashing as more powerful than my own empowerment within my process, and thus accepting and allowing myself to be vulnerable to my own mind, and therefor accepting and allowing myself to be vulnerable to excuses and justifications. I am committed to not fall into notions and concepts and decisions which aspire based on my mind, and that when I find myself trying to manipulate my process for the benefit of keeping my mind surviving, I will breath, and understand that transcending from the mind itself is what will actually get me to becoming a living process, an actual supportive organism for what is best for myself, and these bullshit ideas and opinions that my mind tries to generate are but excuses to keep the energy in itself surviving, thus being justifications for the very position of abusing myself as life and others as life, and that justifying others minds and that this system has been accepted and allowed by everyone, and therefor epthe fact that everyone presents their decisions to this very system makes it ok for me to as well psrticipate. Therefor I'm committed to not be enslaved by a system of manipulator ps and decieve rid to keep myself surviving, and that I will not fear this system, which is only myself fearing my accepted and allowed participation, and thus the confusion is whether or not that participation was valid or not, which is my mind trying to convince me that its very existence is valid due t coexisting minds/egos , which this is but how e system of abuse stays alive, it will manipulate others to participate when they are children, and then those children will do the same to there children, it is the ones who were manipulated who will as well manipulate others to kee there position, which is but a false illusion that they were manipulated in, and then they fuck themselves and therefor will fuck others, and will create love and light to justify it, and then really keep it up and going, and the males will rub their heads with the hand, which the hand being the manipulator (physical presentation) to make the head fee good for being a dick, and then when the dick is satisfied with its position as the head feeling good from the hand, it must go implement its head onto others, and then those others will become afraid of the dicks and become the pussys that accepted and allowed the head of the dick. It really all is just ourselves excepting the grace of fucking ourselves and eachother. Self correction: I am committed to write at least the moment I wake up before my day gets started, to the moment before I go to sleep. I am committed to therefor transcend from fucking myself, and therefor writing and living as breath is observing what I'm actually experiencing, and not as the mind, the head, like masturbsting. Therefor I'm committed to not masturbate for a total of 21 days, and after 22 days, physically masturbates, and observe the actual experience that occurs when my sexual organs are exposed to physical touch, and therefor learn over time what sex really means within enjoyment of expressing sex, just as it is with everything else I do physically. I'm committed to drop all relationships with mind energy, and when I find myself in and as the mind tryi to manipulate the practical relationships, I will breath, state self forgiveness the first time, and then every 5 times only breath, and after 5 times state self forgiveness again. I'm committed to therefor equalize my relationships within all expressions. From cleaning, writing, exercising, working (the 'boring') to playing music, playing video games, buying items that I'm interested in, sports, eating, etc (what I 'like' or would more so prefer). When I find myself causing manipulations within these relationships as creating one more inferior or superior than the other, I breath, observe what I need t do, or am participating in within that very moment, and self forgive the first time when I have the opportunity, and the next 5 times proficient breathing, and repeat. When I find myself trying to create higher simulations of myself within my process, therefor create the circulation of confusion and uncertainty and fear of being influenced etc.m I breath, I investigate, and if I find it too overwhelming to investigate win myself, I ask for help from a destonians, or investigate the material, and then self forgive. After I have investigated properly and self applied properly, a practice breath ping the next 5 times, and repeat. I