Day 122 - redefining stability part 1

So in this blog, I'm going to be opening up sources within my environment, within myself, and within the reality of my circumstances in which I've created suppressive definitions of myself to remain stable as the mind and my minds relationship to specific circumstances where I've accepted and allowed myself to feed off of these self definitions as the superior side of myself. Within this, unlocking what I really exist as if I didn't have these suppressive behaviors and definitions, which I will be mentioning one self definition in each part of my redefining stability.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as "having to be fit and look good with my body ". Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear how I would be treated if I didn't attain this self definition of myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to the medications I'm on, as the sideffects have been causing me to gain weight inevitably. Within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define having more fat on me as unattractive, as something that people will judge me and abandon me because I don't "look fit, look attractive"

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate how I look to my circumstances, which when faced with more difficult circumstances within myself and my environment, I go to look in the mirror at my body to try to get a feeling of harmony for "being the good looking guy", within is,, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea that people will treat me better if I look a certain way, if I'm 'fit' - fit in.

Part 2 to continue

Day 122 - allowing emotions to dictate who I am/following the emotions

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become emotional/react, and then follow the experience within the context of fearing my own emotions, thoughts, triggers. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to cross reference past consequences in which I had became possessed and followed it. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not slow down, and breath, and step back/let go of the emotions, or take any directive move within my beingness to STOP the participation of such emotions and thoughts.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become scared of my own thoughts and emotions, under the preconception that the thoughts and emotions are going to manifest, thus within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to imply to myself that I'm separate from my own accepted and allowed thoughts and emotions, and thus becoming scared as if the thoughts and emotions have a separate life force, not seeing and realizing that I am the one who accepts and allows thoughts and emotions when under such experiences.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become unstable when faced with the negative polarity, to the extent of claiming that I have no willpower to STOP myself, breath, and release the points through self responsibility, self honesty, self forgiveness. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not work on a point of self confidence and strength/writing self forgiveness when in stable moments during my day to day living. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to cross reference with emotions and unstable thinking when faced with the negative polarity.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my own acceptances and allowances when faced with the reality of my own thoughts and emotions.

When and as I see myself experiencing emotions and thoughts that become visible, I stop, I do not follow the experience or further allow it, and I breath, I let go of the pattern, and then I take self responsibility through self forgiveness, and self correction. Within this, I see and realize that I am capable of not becoming possessed by my accepted and allowed thoughts or emotions, and can always come back to breath, and understanding that thoughts and emotions will occur, but can always be directed by my beingness, within this also realizing that I require spending as much of my time with physical things, with responsibility to my immediate environment in order to be more effective when facing thoughts and emotions.

I see and realize that I have created and accepted and allowed my own thoughts and emotions, and the chemistry between myself and my outside reality. Within this, when and as I see myself fearing this, or going into wanting to suppress these accepted and allowed relationships, I stop, I breath, and I let go of the fear through self forgiveness and self corrective statements, through doing something physical, to where I can manage myself to where I'm self responsible and equally functional when walking through the experience of what I've accepted and allowed as myself - embrace myself and not run away.

I commit myself to become more attentive to writing, to working with the physical, in order to build that foundation of self honesty, self confidence, and self responsibility, and to use this as a cross reference for stability. Within this, when and as I see myself becoming unstable, I stop, I brea, I slow down, and I go and act on that which assists and supports me, as well as finding what's most helpful in certain circumstances or when facing particular points within myself. Within this, I commit myself to keep myself physically busy throughout each day to support myself to writing more clearly and effectively, and facing my points more clearly and effectively.

I see and realize that I cannot blame others for my own experiences, and that this is but a suppression that compensates within not being willing to actually face myself self honestly as what I experience as thoughts feelings and emotions. Within this, I commit myself to practically remain introspective, understanding that blaming in itself is a Paton that requires work, and so being self aware to let go of blame when facing myself and what I experience.

Day 121 - scared of myself, scared of changing old relationships

So it seems that currently I have been faced with the situation of seeing my relationships for real, and realizing how abusive I've accepted and allowed myself to be in these relationships. I have been experiencing allot of resistance, and is resistance comes in the form of freight, of allowing my mind to observe that I'm losing these old habitual patterns, and am at a gate that will only open if I dedicate myself to changing these relationships - emotions, self definitions, the general chemistry that I've used to survive from, to keep my mind stable.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear change, to the point of accepting and allowing the point of "this is too scary, I don't want to face that". Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance from facing myself, by going into reaction, and not slowing down, breathing, or practically applying self forgiveness to stabilize myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by my mind when facing these relationships, when facing the true nature of self. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create more extensive points through reacting to the point of possession.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take the time to be stable and write/correct myself as preparation to when facing these points within myself again. Within this I commit myself to over time lay out effective ways of remaining stable, and applying activities, and physical work to bring myself back to breath.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become confused as to how I should be moving, what I should be doing, and then becoming scared of losing myself in possession, not seeing and realizing that I require developing a support system/physical dependency to help me when in such experiences. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to build trust and intimacy with physical things and people/ those in my immediate environment to be able to assist myself to bring myself back here.

When and as I see myself going into reaction to a specific point, or go into the experience of intense discontent, I stop, I breath, and I forgive myself for the experience, and slow down, breath, and allow change to flow and let go of the resistance.

When and as I see myself going into a point of possession of fear, I stop, I breath, and I slow down, work with something, release it through self forgiveness, talk to my support system, and walk through the experience by exposing what had initially caused the intense fear, or the intense emotion.

I commit myself to work with a support system, and build a more effective relationship by doing my part in ensuring that I stay in line with my process, and being honest with those in my immediate environment, and also working with physical things as self support when I require building self intimacy.

Day 121 - feeling trapped

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience being trapped in my mind, trapped in my body.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try recovering from the experience through money, through desires, through personalities. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give up on self responsibility/self honesty when experiencing myself trapped in my own mind, trapped in my body.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that this is my minds way of healing itself through following desired experiences, comforting experiences to feed the mind.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience being scared of losing my old habitual relationships, within this experiencing being trapped, with the preconception that if I let go of these old relationships, that I will end up in starving or suffering, or even dead.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use others within this experience of fearing myself, where I try to hide myself, and use others as a leverage to hold myself up in these old habitual relationships.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into panic when confronting these relationships, when realizing that these relationships are in fact what I'm trapping myself within. Within this,
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience powerlessness, helplessness, when realizing these old habitual relationships.

I commit myself to open up one specific relationship each day, in which I find relating itself to this experience of feeling trapped in my mind, trapped in my body.

I commit myself to start focusing on physical things that have an equal purpose - what's best for all, what's most supportive for me and my environment. Within this, I see and realize that by initially moving myself with physical things, open up my accepted and allowed limitations/what I've trapped myself within my mind and where I've related this point of being trapped with my own body in regards to the minds chemistry.

When and as I see myself trying to heal myself with desires, with future projections or self admirations, I stop, I breath, and I do not follow this, but instead replace these experiences with what's here, with what I can do physically here.

I see and realize, that these frightening experiences when confronting myself, is simply my mind resisting change, is my mind wanting to heal itself, and trying to hide the true nature of myself within the old habitual relationships. Therefor, when And as I see myself becoming scared, trapped, I stop, I breath, I slow down, I take a walk, have a cigaret, talk to my family and friends, etc. and let go of the experience, and release the stress and fear through that which is here, that which is simple and practically available.

I commit myself to open up the point as to why I latch onto specific people, why I find it difficult to be alone with my own acceptances and allowances, and thus build integrity to where I no longer put my trust in emotional dependence, and reconstruct myself to build physical dependence in replacement.

I commit myself to focus on building back up to a new foundation of what I will and will not accept to be myself, as myself, and within this, facing these intense experiences of fear when facing myself, when realizing myself, when opening up the reality of my relationships.

Day 120 -" feeling good" from the medication to not take self responsibility

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse, that because the psychosis shot makes my physical body feel relaxed, and the numbing aspect of having chosen to get this type of treatment, that I do not have to take self responsibility, to still remain self aware at all times how the mind operates, where I'm lacking, where I abuse. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate how I feel mentally to "well, I don't feel like causing harm to others, so therefor, no need to follow self honesty or responsibility.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to use how the medication makes me feel as a point of self support, as a point of using that medicated feeling as a point to self investigate within my relationships that I face daily.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that by taking these sedative medications, that I am walking the consequence where these points which I've accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as separation, are in fact going to compound. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to still place my writings, my physical application within walking the points and circumstances that I'm still able to, and understanding that these medications are simply a handicap to support myself to be able to function daily in a society that requires my attentiveness, vis versa.

I commit myself to take accountability equally as if I was not medicated, and to investigate how the medications coincide with my day to day living, within this continuing to build up to functioning in day to day living with making sure that I have a reference of self awareness that I can work on in each relationship.

Day 120 - believing I can control others

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to resort to the idea that I can control others behaviors, control/trigger them in certain ways, when facing anger, facing more intense points within myself. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being called out for the points in which I've accepted and allowed myself to use as to try and attempt to control and abuse others as life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to act out deliberate personalities as a way to prevent from this point of being called out for my shit, to impede my self awareness, or impede others from being aware as to who I've accepted and allowed myself to really exist in and as abusive.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into fear when facing this point, within trying to defend the memories of when I had believed to such an extent that I can control others through different personalities. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accumulate the idea that I am god, or that I am capable of manipulating my environment to suit my self interests.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus burden others within trying to manipulate them just so that I don't have to face myself, face the accepted and allowed systems in which I've accepted and allowed myself to 'naturally' take advantage of life, of others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to beLIEve that I am capable of reading others personalities. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use others personalities/what's 'made apparent' as a way to try to survive within 'reading them' not seeing and realizing the consequence of abuse accumulated within both parts of them and myself as life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus deliberately attempt to create external conflict with others, to try to bring them within a point of conflict as the reflection that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as anger.

When and as I see myself deliberately trying to use others as a point to fight my mind, to accumulate the points through the beLIEf that I can control others, I stop immediately, I breath, and within this, coming back to reality, coming back to the real relationship that is required to assist and support the other person within initially laying out what's most supportive for myself within that moment. Within this, I equally commit myself to stop fucking around with points through flirting with them with firer delusion, and face here points practically, as this is ensuring self responsibility and consideration for those I had tried to abuse through the beLiEf that I could control them.

I commit myself to stop deliberately acting out personalities to suppress the reality of my thoughts, and to instead make these points apparent in terms of breathing through them, in terms of making sure I'm as stable as possible when around others, and facing the consequences within that which I make apparent to others.

I see and realize that I can not manipulate things to suit my self interests, and hat the physical proves this as false, within this, I see and realize hat when having experienced this idea of being like a 'god' that it was simply an avoidance of breathing, of release anger through self forgiveness, and practically coming to terms with the consequences I had manifested when having arrived at the mental hospital, within that environment trying to survive within my own delusion. Within this, I commit myself to further investigate daily as to what I had experienced at the mental hospital, to ensure I do not further accumulate the points I used as survival within the mind.

I commit myself to face the burden in which I had deliberately tried to abuse others within this beLIEF that I could manipulate them. Within this, I commit myself to face what I've preprogrammed into myself as a manipulative system towards others to not have faced the anger within myself when at the mental hospital.

I see and realize the extent in which I am willing to abuse just to gain my own satisfaction within like vs like. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to fulfill positive energy through the idea that I could manipulate other personalities. Within this, I commit myself to focus on this point daily, as to ensure that I do not further attempt this ever again.

I commit myself to further remain assertive and introspective with whatever reactions which occur that I experienced at the mental hospital, and to debunk these falsities and come back to stability and reality within my environment here at home.

Day 119 - reacting to stern/assertive mannerisms/resonance

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to stern/assertive mannerisms/resonance.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have judged S. when manifesting stern/assertive mannerisms/resonance, while not seeing where had judged myself in relationship to a stern/assertive mannerism/resonance.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into negative backchat when hearing sternness/assertiveness.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into predetermining a 'positive intent' when hearing someone express sternness/assertiveness.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus protect my position that I've accepted and allowed as positive energy within hearing a stern/assertive mannerism/resonance.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have deliberately placed myself in the position of backchat, by searching youtube videos which thus, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feed consciousness through watching others play video games online.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse that "they're just mean, so I don't require writing about it"

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abuse my immediate environment/relationships through entertaining backchat with others talking/ expressing stern/assertive mannerisms/resonance.

When and as I see myself reacting to sternness/assertiveness as negative, I stop, I breath, and I investigate where I have placed myself win the position in context to the reaction using the 'one point method'(writing 3 paragraphs about one detail within the participated Patton) initially.

I see and realize, that S. was practically expressing sound, in which I reacted to as 'stern', within the context of memories within relationship to sternness negatively.

I commit myself to always be here within and as breath, to confront all backchat in relationship to sternness, to assure I'm equally assertive to always remain introspective, and always seeing and investigating the point/Patton in which with doing this, it am creating the only effective tool in solving a reaction to sternness/assertiveness, by using outside assertiveness as self support within using this tool.

I commit myself to not overthink the point of sternness to suppress the reaction, but to always remain here, inevitably thus introspective, to when I react to sternness/assertiveness.

I see and realize that any point of protection, is in fact abusive, and must require assisting myself with physical support/self confrontation clearly, assertively, while equally remaining calm/here as breath.

I see and realize, that when searching/placing myself in and as positivity/abusive, that I will inevitably react to mannerisms, and thus self judgements, within this, I commit myself to once a day, watch a youtube video, any one at random, to write out with the 'one point method' within the reactions I potentially accept and allow when watching them.

I commit myself to stop fucking around and remain self responsibility as breath here, within this, building after deconstructing and disclosing points of self limitation that I've accepted and allowed myself to trap myself in the polarities of positive and negative, in relationship to stern/assertive mannerisms/resonance.

I commit myself to within these self corrective statements, remain humble at all times/in breath, within my current process, to support building relationships with those in my immediate environment, yet self introspective/assertive.

I commit myself to investigate with the 'one point method', within my accepted and allowed reaction to assertive expressions from others.

Day 118 - eating to suppress self responsibility

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to over eat in order to distract myself from what is here.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to realize that over eating is only feeding the self definition that I am not comfortable within my own skin, with co existence to what is here, and therefor "I must eat to feel comfortable"

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate by over feeding my body, within this, I see and realize that over eating, is like giving myself extra food to feed the mind energy, to feed the thoughts. Within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to verify thoughts and emotions through eating more than my physical body requires using as fuel.

I commit myself to go back to schedule, to what's here, and to as well utilize a regiment initially of counting calories, to build the intent of feeding my body what it needs always, and not excessively giving myself food.

When and as I see myself experiencing the sensation of wanting to eat, when I don't need to, I stop, I breath, and I feel where my body reacts to the thought of eating, and I place myself back into position to what's here through utilizing these physical sensations I experience when I think I'm hungry.

I commit myself to utilize myself to a point of where I feed myself when I'm realistically hungry,

Day 118 - finding the proper way of approaching my process

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not fully consider where I had messed up within my process from considering where I require firstly basing myself under the initial starting point of what is most supportive to first start walking.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not fully walk the process within this, out of multiple egos that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as a way to impede myself. Within that, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to realize, that, if I go into intense reaction to a point, it means that I require taking a break from the point for a moment, not further reacting, not go into fear and into further resistance or self judgement, and then walking the steps that most support myself logically within what is here, as in terms of what is here to follow what my process shows me, what I'm capable of understanding and applying, and what I'm incapable of understanding and applying.

The following: when and as going into confusion, into intense fears, I stop, I breath, I do not further go into suppression, and I go straight to the point of applying myself back to writting, back to confronting the reactions.

When and as I see myself further reacting and going into fear, regardless of how much I'm breathing while writting, I stop, I breath, and I listen to interviews, I read blogs, I bring myself back to here, back to the point of self application and using what I read, or hear, as a directive point to go back into my process, to starting again and retrying, and building relationships which most support the process, which most support myself within understanding myself and my relationships that I currently start to focus on that are require to be most attended to - eating, writing, cleaning, driving, sleeping, shiting, showering, and physical resistances, how well focused I am when writing, how well am I considering the full context of the circumstances that surround these specific necessities and these points that I practically cannot live without.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to thus fully consider the point of where I require eradicating that which compromises my process, and that which compromises the point of understanding my intake with knowledge and information, and applying myself to best support walking through those self limitations to understanding my process, and how to walk my process.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not apply myself to the biggest problem that I see that impedes me from my process and the point of walking my process, to where I thus fully recognize the circumstances I can move around to support myself within that starting point of understanding what is most required to take self responsibility for, and to keep onto that biggest point that requires the most possible attention, to where I can equally apply myself to living, apply myself to functioning, feeding my body, showering, cleaning my house, and using a physical support system which I'm most currently capable of equally supporting.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not use the physical, use supporting and assisting myself through what ever I have to in order to not further accumulate reactions, further accumulate future consequences to being bigger than what they already potentially are, if I do not stop within myself here, and take those consequences within myself into consideration to what I have to possibly do in order to bring myself back here.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to thus see and realize that I'm already walking the point of process, that process is always here with me within supporting myself, but understanding and realizing that I cannot go into fear, into reaction to preconceptions that "might" support my process, when in fact it only feeds the consequences, feeds the accumulation of reactions and further not taking self responsibility here, and applying myself to what's here as a point of understanding where I can possibly function and move within my process.

I commit myself to start focusing on the initial starting point that I had made most apparent to myself when having found the point which I most consistently am able to function other, and to build up from that, and start evolving the principles of equality and what's best for life, around that initial point that I first found as most effective, and basing myself closely around what is most practically effective, and what I can currently function under within what I know most supports me here.

I see and realize that it will require pushing, facing circumstances, and walking through these physical necessities, in order to face myself within where I had separated myself in relationship to these points, in relationship to the fact that I will require focusing on how to become most decisive physically with these relationships, and to also point out all personality relationships which impede my functionality to these relationships, and to build and equal and mutual understanding surrounding these relationships.

I see and realize that whatever point I have separated myself from the physical, from my relationships, that I practically require looking at the consequences in what relationships I participate, and stop any relationships that further feed the foreseen potential consequences IF not directed, by basing myself practically around relationships that will support myself most effectively, keeping myself from relationships that will make it MUCH more difficult if I participate in them, and assuring, that any time I am entering that point of hell, that that is when I know I missed someone, that that is when I was not fully directive, and was following an in directive path, or that I was not willing to let go of an ego that I accepted and allowed myself to relate to that supportive relationship.

Within this, I commit myself to thus finish what I require finishing when facing myself in a point of transcendence, and to stick with that point of transcending until it is done, and to cross reference with the commitment I initially stood by in the beginning of that relationship, and then ending it with full completion, with every spot of physical capability I had within myself that finished the job, and understanding that following breath when I know I'm directly in the point of breath, is as effective as I can walk, and to then to realign myself to a consistent relationship within the step by step process, which requires understanding that process, means MY process, and what best supports myself most consistently to where I don't go into mayhem in the mind.

Day 116 - laziness is an inside job self corrective statements

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not 'want' to take self responsibility when having a 'weight off my shoulders'. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into the point of laziness, when creating the experience that "I just want to chill right now, I just want to do what is fun" within not seeing and realizing that this convenience is merely a pattern to then, when faced with conflict, I go into negative reaction within my circumstances.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus see that this experience is a "up" experience point. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not have taken into consideration of the fact of what I had realized when having had faced it within that moment, but instead taken advantage of addictions and of what I wanted to feed off of to where I had thus gone into the manipulative patterns of "ok, I'm in the clear" within this, not seeing and realizing that this is simply what I accepted and allowed myself to use within and as my mind to not face myself within the moment I had the chance to.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that whatever experience I have, that it isn't real, and that any experience of whether high or low, is always the point of separating myself from what's HERE. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse to protect my convenience, that "It's just my freedom of expression" when not seeing and realizing, or considering exactly what it is that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate as something real.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus go into the pattern, of wanting to experience this high, and then when it is disproved, go into self sabotage, go into guilt, go into this self manipulation to where I simply protect the very pattern that exists within myself. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor not see and realize, that I have fed the point of experience within highs of myself, within feeding happy clappy experiences when not seeing and realizing that this is the same system demon within. The same pattern of abuse, simply the other side of the coin.

I forgive myself that I've thus not accepted and allowed myself to fully face the full polarities of the ego patterns within and as myself. Thus within this, I see and realize that feeding the high polarity is the very point of not pushing through facing the entire spectrum of the patterns. Within this, I thus forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into suppressing the consequences within myself.

I commit myself to thus write this finish writing myself out from the points I had finished writing in the last blog.

I see and realize, that when I verify experience as the effective point, that I am in fact using it as an excuse to not realistically face the consequence in which that experience exists. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to realize, that the experience/reaction, is merely the point in which I've accepted and allowed to keep myself trapped within the consequence in which relates to the experience having been accepted and allowed within myself.

I see and realize, that 'falling' for feeling, can always practically be corrected within the moment I see myself not being supportive or focusing on being most supportive for what is here. Within this, I commit myself to apply this practical principle to what I actually experience within my environment, within seeing the simple point that feeling and experience is not a cool point of participating within, and that it is only a way to prevent myself from actually standing up within within self responsibility.

I commit myself to actually apply these points towards what I've accepted and allowed myself to define as within experience to my environment, and thus actually start walking through specific detailed points in which I now know how to apply these principles to my environment.

I see and realize that accepting and allowing any point or emotion loose within myself, that I will inevitably react more intensely and be more Unstable within my environment, and towards my relationships in which I've accepted and allowed.

I see and realize that what ever relationship or opening of not wanting to take self responsibility, and through creating these voids of "I'm better than them" or of blaming others to not see myself within practically walking experiences, that it is simply a way to attempt to get away with being here within breath, to being here within and as my requirement to taking self responsibility. Within this, I commit myself to thus continue writting, to continue deconstructing relationships, and to find out where I have accepted and allowed myself to be the center of what I accept and allow within my circumstances.

I see and realize that when I do not face a point, that when I react, that it am the point and reason within that reaction, and the cause of reacting to that relationship.

I commit myself to cross reference with what to avoid when going into excuses not to take self responsibility, and within this, I commit myself to further face points introspectively, within allowing this through breathing, supporting what's here, and knowing what's not supportive and what is by practically not feeding feeling.

Day 116 - laziness is an inside job - standing back up and self corrective statements

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fall into self judgement, to fall into blame, to fall Into indecisiveness deliberately and intentionally, as a way of not 'wanting' to take self responsibility for the point I was facing. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to no stand up within retrying fully, or to fully acknowledge what the point is that I've accepted and allowed to dictate me from expressing myself within walking through it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to verify feeling as real, from the intent that I 'can't do It, it's too much'. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to my points, instead of practically breathing and finding out what is the most supportive way to walking through it. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have made the excuse that "the feelings just seem too real" not seeing and realizing the consequence within having gone into feeding the feelings, in which within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to imply to myself, that I am weaker than what I am experiencing. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify feeling, within the very experience of it, as if I'm somehow incapable of walking and standing up for the point of what's best for all life within that moment of experience.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus dictate my life through feelings, and dictate my principles with money, with what 'feels good' not seeing and realizing that wanting to feed desires, is simply my own acceptance and allowance of defining myself as inadequate. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus see where I have fallen, but not actually taking the effort to walk back to get through patterns of feeling and patterns of enslavement.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not see and realize, that when I go into points of accepted and allowing myself to become further inadequate to supporting myself, that I will inevitably go into an intense spectrum of instability, which includes blaming others, which includes thus blaming myself, and generally self inflicted points that I've accepted and allowed to define myself as who I am internally.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself within inadequacy.

Within this, I thus commit myself to write out commitments to the last post -

I see and realize, that accepting and allowing any moment of abuse, or any moment of prolonging myself from supporting myself, that I am ALWAYS the one who is implying to myself that I am not willing to support myself or my environment. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that feeling in itself is a point that requires being dissected fairly carefully, and that is something that needs to be extensively prevented from furthering when seeing just a small bit of feeling exist within myself. Within this, I commit myself to dissect every area of "misunderstanding" within and as myself within cross referencing to previous posts, and also by following a consistent schedule in which best supports myself to pointing out each detail of myself that I can eradicate in order to fully learn how to support myself within my environment, and also within my process.

When and as I see myself going into major voids, or multiple voids within my environment, I stop, I breath, and I immediately slow myself down to the point of where I can see what I've accepted and allowed to use as addiction, or as a physical excuse to not fully walk through points that I require facing NOW. Within this I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to push through these consistent addictions, by pointing out the details within myself in which lead me to acting on these addictions. Within this, I commit myself to thus firstly slow down, and take my objective one step at a time, within the deliberate consideration of what would be ACTUALLY supportive within that moment. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see or realize, that the point of trying to feed my mind, is from the act of feeding myself within physical addictions - eating, driving, masturbating, playing music, watching movies, etc. thus within this, I commit myself to ONLY participate within these activities, by utilizing myself inherently as to why I'm playing music, why I'm eating, why I'm watching movies or playing a video game. Within this, I see and realize that I can not fuck around and just let these points loose to where I end up entertaining thoughts, and to where I verify thought patterns through eating, through playing a game, playing music etc. thus within this, when and as I see myself going into a routine of conveniently participating within these activities, I stop, I breath, and I ACTUALLY consider what I need to be doing here/NOW, within the context of actually considering every single consequence and outcome will occur within what I'm doing, within this slowing down, taking a possible break, and considering my consequences within what I am doing.

I see and realize, that any point of anger, any point of rage that I experience towards others, towards myself, is an indication that I'm fucking around, that I am not fucking doing what needs to be done HERE. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to get an ego when telling myself what I need to do, within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus state these self commitments and self forgiveness statements within the starting intent that "others will see me be all glorious and take self responsibility. Thus within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to be specific within the details behind "bullshit act". Win this, I commit myself to make another blog that will deconstruct certain aspects of acts that I use to impede myself from stopping unnecessary and unacceptable participations in which are potentially dangerous and not cool to face if not stopping them.

I see and realize the pure capability that exists within myself inherently. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define these personalities that I use to feed laziness, as a definition of inherence, not seeing and realizing that when trying to protect these definitions, that if am merely accepting and allowing myself to feed something that clearly I am not, and thus clearly what I am not supposed to be in order to in fact be supportive within and as existence as life and in what's best for all life around me. Within this, I commit myself to break points of self definitions that I've used as voids from not reaching my full capability, in which that full capability being the Essenes of who I actually am within this physical reality, and thus I commit myself to always use the physical, as a support system to showing myself who I actually am here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create an ego within supporting life. Where I go into self righteousness within my statements, claiming that "I will support life" not seeing and realizing that within this statement, I am not actually breaking down points within myself that need to be faced in which in fact supports life within actually applying the statement - "I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not fully realize, that I know what is most supportive, and that it doesn't matter what the feeling is that I experience, because if I actually act towards what is best for myself and other human beings, other life". Within this, I commit myself to actually start applying myself within blogs and blogs as to what the actual points are within myself that I require walking through, and understanding within this that it really doesn't take great effort to know when and when I'm not being supportive. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that by constantly trying to point out the general principles of equality, is only a void from actually walking my process to REALLY understand these simple principles. Thus within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to fully walk through my process as actually experiencing what I have accepted and allowed as abuse, and what it actually means to live principles of equality. Within this, I see and realize, that sometimes in situations, I'm just going to have to face them without a scape goat of knowledge, in order to get what I'm doing, in order to get what I've accepted and allowed, and in order to get the point of taking self responsibility for real. Within this, I commit myself to thus stop using knowledge, to stop using intellect within my process, and to actually see what will happen if you put me under a few circumstances that show me who I've accepted and allowed myself to become, and learn THEN what these principles I boast about actually mean. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to boast principles, to speak out when I have not even walked through experiences to where I've hardly if ever applied these principles. Within this, I see and realize the extent in which I have decided myself in using an ego of "I'm standing for life" dictate my capability to practically walk through points within my life. Within this, I commit myself to expose all egos and all voices and persons I've attached to myself to make myself feel better about the abuse/rage/desires/emotions/consequences. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make excuses to these consequences, and have sugar coated them within the ego of "look at me I stand for life" within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fuck with other beings and fuck with my own head within the pure fucking intent and excuse that "I'm better than them, I'm better than the other destonians, I'm a fucking god to them". Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus use my own self fulfillment as an excuse, because of this ego of "I'm better than them, they don't fucking know anything as well as I do". Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold back self responsibility to the real extent of my abuse, through using this ego of "being better than life/destonians" as a point in my head to thus go into the blame, go into the procrastination from seeing myself as to what I've really fucking accepted and allowed within myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that "I'm a good person" within using is ego "fuck them I'm better than them" as a way to deceive myself from walking equally together with life, and with therefor destonains. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to realize that this is the reason I can't seem to walk through points clearly, because of the excuse that "I'm better than them why the fuck should I care". Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold shy to exposing this within facing points NOW, to show exactly what I have done, and actually face these points within knowing what I've done, and within living up to the consequences. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to approach facing this point within the personality of "I'm an asshole". Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to face myself within the intent of exploiting myself deliberately, to feed the point of going into self sabotage and of self manipulation to feeding this pattern of "I'm better than them" and then when facing the real point going "fuck now they know, everyone knows, why the fuck bother now. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor compare myself with others within the points I face, through polarizing others processes, to where I've accepted and allowed myself to create self judgement within myself as to what I have accepted and allowed. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into postponement within facing myself, through these personalities of "I'm fucking better than them, they are therefor the reason why I can't get through facing myself". Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into self sabotage of creating a pouty face, or of crying, to where I know that I am bulls hiring myself, but feed here little faces and these little points of gestures and mannerisms.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus go into memories of this where I have accepted and allowed myself to be a total dick to others, but then when I require facing myself, and when they make it apparent to me, I go into the pouty face, go into the crying, go into self loathing, go into not practically seeing myself within that moment. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus try to blame others and use others as a void and as a point of reference to not face myself within my consequences, to not face myself within and as anger, rage, and that these points are outrageous, are completely unnecessary when I clearly have accepted and allowed them, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into negativity, and the point of positivity to when facing outrageous feelings, and seeing the outrageous circumstances I've accepted and allowed myself to create towards other beings.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus act outrageous, and have created outrage, to the point of where I had accumulated consequences within my environment, to where I thus forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have created a bullshit game with others and have verified this game through not practically facing myself within physical support. Within this,no forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus think I'm better than everyone else, to where I have created this to such and extreme to where I have had very disgusting and dangerous intents towards others, just as a way to protect this point of convenience within wanting power over other human beings. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor fuck around within not actually seeing the super ego of myself, in which I've accepted and allowed myself to not fully remain here and within breath as a principle to showing that my acceptance and allowance of ego, is the point of not seeing really how much of an asshole I am being when I just let myself run free within what is convenient for me. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not be fully self honest within this fact that I am accepting and allowing these thoughts to exist, and that I am responsible for accepting and allowing these mannerisms, and these abusive behaviors of acting like a raging asshole towards others exist within myself to where it effects these power games and these struggles of wanting to verify times where I've fought and abused others physically. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize, that I don't have the time to go and feed my convenience, because any form of easy convenience is just the verification of accepting and allowing myself to make the excuse to not live within and as breath, to trust myself to in fact live within the moment of self responsibility. 

Further points of self corrective statements to follow these points.

Day 115 - laziness is an inside job

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not realize, that any opening of laziness, that when I accept and allow reactions of laziness to exist within myself, that I am in fact implying to myself, that I basically would let any circumstance become an abuse consequence within my reality. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have created multiple personalities in which I've accepted and allowed myself to use which builds the relationship of laziness. Within this, I forgive myself that I've thus not accepted and allowed myself to realize, that laziness, is simply my own preprogrammed definition of laziness, which in itself is an acceptance and allowance of prolonging my willingness to stand up for what I've accepted and allowed as abuse, and thus inevitably, create an outflow of consequence within not standing up for my consequence of preprogramming.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that, any moment I go into a void, or any moment I go into wanting to eat as suppression, or any behavior, or any movement or act in which I've accepted and allowed myself to use as suppression to protect myself from facing myself and my reality, that this is laziness.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use self sabotage, to use blame to use anger, to use rage, to use extreme points of the mind, just to not drop the bullshit act, and face the consequence I've accepted and allowed within my past, and thus within what is here as myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that within any moment, within any time of day, regardless if it is confusing for a moment, that if I push myself as hard as I can, breath as much as I can, stop and see what's most supportive within my environment, that I am perfectly capable of supporting my environment, and that there is no excuse that can prevent me from changing myself within according to my environment that would best support it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not fully realize, that I know what is most supportive, and that it doesn't matter what the feeling is that I experience, because if I actually act towards what is best for myself and other human beings, other life, the physical existence, that it will counter act with supporting me to stopping the bullshit excuses, to stopping what isn't real. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to polarize 'bullshit excuses' as something negative, to where I've accepted and allowed myself to relate self judgements to what I know is unsupportive, just as a way to not actually take self responsibility for my reality, when clearly it's THE only way that is effective.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse that "it's too much" when not seeing and realizing, that I'm implying that I will abuse life, just because "I don't feel like taking self responsibility" not seeing and realizing, that buying into the very feeling, is only a way to trick myself into a catastrophe. Thus, like a real catastrophe in the world, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to realize, that by not fully engaging my time and energy into making sure that I prevent as little unsupportive consequences  as possible, and fully focusing myself towards what I'm most possibly capable of supporting within my environment, that I will inevitably face the consequence of abuse within my circumstances, that I'm just as much responsible for the atrocities in the world as much as the people who directly create them. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize, that I am as much of an abused to the extent of which the nature I accept and allow to exist within myself. Within this, I forgive myself that I've thus accepted and allowed myself to allow really fucked up intentions loose within myself, when going into the reaction of "laziness".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow abusive patterns and instability occur when going into laziness, and then when facing those consequences, blaming others and attacking others, for the fucking thing that I didn't allow myself to fix or walk through when I had the perfect capability of doing so. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize, that by indirectly solving my abusive patterns, that I am directly accepting and allowing those abusive patterns as myself, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have accumulated such irresponsibility and despite to create the consequence of having outrageous anger towards others, to the point that I'm currently having to face a specific "demon". So therefor within this, I see and realize that the "demon" is practically there as a consequence of having deliberately not stood up for myself within each point I had faced in the past, however, understanding that I perfectly have every bit of physical capability to walk through each relationship in which I've accepted  and allowed myself to have attached this "demon" to.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that I require facing myself within what I KNOW the physical is showing me, regardless if there's a "demon" at stake or not, because if anything, every thought, every point of separation is as much of a demon as any other, in terms of it being the same foundation of separating myself, from what I KNOW is abusive when doing so.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of facing myself, in terms of being afraid to let go of fears, to let go of that which is irrelevant to what is supportive for my environment - money, time, activities and behaviors I've related to money and time. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the relationship of definitions, not seeing and realizing, that these very definitions these very moments in where I can refuse, or at least acknowledge these definitions, is the only way I will in fact see fully what it means to live, and to what it means and understanding how actually living here operates. Within this, I thus forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to realize, that any moment of reaction, is inevitably a definition, in which following definitions, or further following a definition that I simply might have not been previously aware of before, is going to create a consequence within my process, regardless if I'm aware of it or not.

I forgive myself that I've thus accepted and allowed myself to hold on to certain definitions that I've related to my process, to where, I have a preconception/convenient preprogrammed behavior in relationship to my process, and then just blindly acting on those points, not seeing and realizing that, every detail of my process, every trial and error in which requires going through to assure that I progress within my process, is crucial to breaking limitations and to breaking egos in which have no-relevance to walking my process. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that I'm always walking my process, and that simply any point of mistake, or unsupportive point, practically needs to be eradicated in order to support what's best for all life, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to fully apply everything in which I state within myself as self honest and self forgiveness.

Part 2 will be released with self corrective statements.

Day 114 - compulsive relationship with my health/physical appearance

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear how I look, fear how my health will effect how I look, to the point of where I act compulsively towards my health, and towards my relationship to the way I look - constantly checking body fat %constantly looking in the mirror, exercising too much, or exercising when my body is under too much stress to begin with.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate my body image to health, vis versa, to where I have the expectation, that because I exercise, or diet a certain way, that my body will apparently just change within my convenience of what I accept and allow as the expectation of "how my body needs to look".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus want to manipulate my body in extremes, to where I will cut my calorie intake way to low and exercise way to much, or where I will over eat just to rapidly gain muscle, with the consequence of gaining fat, etc. within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize how unhealthy and unsupportive it is, for me to put my body under extremes just to get a satisfactory result of appearance.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to initially judge myself, that "I'm not good enough unless I have a lower body fat %, or unless I have more muscle mass", and then within this, going towards these extremes that I put my body through. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be dictated by fear, to the point where I am abusing my body within doing extremes.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that with moderate exercise, healthy diet, and enough sleep, and supporting myself to reduce stress levels, that I can allow my body to go through stresses, but understanding within this that my body will eventually correct itself, and within taking care of it generally, and as best as I can, that it will stay healthy, and functional.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define healthy, and functional, as "my abs and frame needs to be defined, and I need to have bigger muscles, I need to focus on how my body looks". Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to use health, as an excuse to feed these energies of self consciousness, of insecurities that have no relevance to actual health.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not realize that by relating these insecurities, and ideas to health, actually only puts stress on my body, and impedes me from perceiving health in a much more practical and supportive sense, and thus actually contradicting being healthy, by accepting and allowing myself to participate in an unhealthy relationship within myself towards my body.

When and as I see myself behaving compulsively, and constantly checking myself in fear of how I look, I stop, I breath, and I consider who I am within what's here, how I relate to my body, and what exact points led me to being fixated by this image I've related towards my body. Within this, I commit myself to only look in the mirror morning and night, to decrease my exercise regiment intensity, and to stop checking measurements, which essentially are useless towards any aspect of taking care of myself, unless it was absolutely necessary.

I see and realize that exercise, eating properly, and taking care of myself, is realistically as far as I need to be concerned, and that the expectation of how my body will react to that, is simply me trying to control my own body within my mind, simply out of wanting to look a certain way. Within this, I thus commit myself to confront all points of when I expect myself to look a certain way, or where I want to act in extreme ways to manipulate my body figure. Within this, I commit myself to intake proper and stable nutrition, to get plenty of sleep, to focus on other things that are relevant within that moment, and to generally take care of my physical health when it is realistically relevant.

I commit myself to stop participating in extremes, or to where I'm deliberately manipulating my body just to fulfill my self interest in looking a certain way, and to only participate in things like fasting, cutting, bulking, when my body realistically needs the rapid change, but currently, seeing that there's absolutely no reason for it with the fact that my body is just fine and simply needs a consistent healthy regiment.

When and as I see myself going into insecurities of myself, that it need to look a certain way, I stop, I breath, and I walk through the points of why I've come to the preconception that I'm not good enough unless I have a certain amount of fat, or muscle mass, and deconstruct the memories in which relate to this obsession with wanting to look a certain way.

I commit myself to let go of the need for control over every little detail of my body, and to start building a relationship, where I can naturally trust my body, and support that trust by practically taking care of my body.

I commit myself to redefine health, as a practical point, and within this, investigating the preconceptions I've accepted and allowed towards health, and as well as investigating insecurities that I've related to health.

I commit myself to equally build a healthy relationship within myself, in relationship towards my physical body, while equally taking care of my physical body through healthy eating, exercise, sleeping, and reducing stress levels.

Day 113 - excuses not to stop energy participation, and realizations

So over the past few months, I have sort of 'withdrew' myself from the point of breathing, self investigation, writing, and generally just anything that was self directive as a whole for myself. I have gotten allot more connected with my health, which is cool, but even within that, there's allot of barriers and fears that very well could relate to myself.

So anyways, the point that I grew to the point of 'giving up', was due to not accepting and allowing myself to see a very simple and practical point, which is that, I either can take responsibility or not, I can either participate in energy or not, I can either apply what I've written, what I know, what I essentially understand, or not, regardless of what emotions, what feelings occur within myself.

For example. One of my biggest habits was to go on my fb account and rant, simply as a way to feed anger, to feed blame, to feed the point of self inflicting self judgement. I would deliberately want to cause controversy with others, and then when it would occur, then I would just allow myself to build more energy and anger. Instead of practically slowing down, investigating, finding out how a real supportive conversation functions, I would just accumulate and accumulate, to protect the feeling, to protect the position I placed myself in. Instead of just stopping, letting go, taking self responsibility of the point for what it practically is, and moving the fuck on to something supportive, something chill, or what ever I was supposed to be doing. Which from this, I can REALLY see now, how easily emotions and self definitions of myself can easily cause me to be a big asshole if I allow them to dictate who I am within and as each moment, which within this, taking each moment I'm being an asshole, as a initial building block to fixing the problem within myself, instead further accumulating the emotions by trying to protect this idea that "I'm a good person, I'm damned, oh no", when essentially, this is the perfect recipe for self sabotage, up to the point of overwhelming myself and being confronted with more extreme points.

Another realization I've had recently, is that when I was facing a 'demonic' point at the time, I had this preconception that I couldn't stop myself. That I was forever enslaved into the feelings, the emotions untill some magical switch in my brain happened, when really, I didn't consider the fact that I had built up all of this anger, rage, to where it lead me to that extreme point of potentially allowing myself to become possessed by my own thoughts and emotions. I let my own self inflicted insecurities, and self judgements dictate my ability to be able to control myself, and I allowed those emotions to be this long term self infliction, instead of practically facing them for what they were, and moving on to the next point, and remaining in breath, meaning, remaining in the point of breathing, but not holding on to the past point, or relating that breathing support to protect points, or to protect a position.

The most impacting point that I had came across, was with 2 experiences. One day, i was siting in my room, all depressed and stupid, and I asked myself "why am I really this depressed over this, like is it necessary for me to be so in-directive, lazy, and treat my body this way, just because of a fucking feeling I have?" Within this, I sort of got this sensation of "time to grow the fuck up" or basically, "time to start supporting myself, supporting my environment" which in itself is vague, but was something that I needed to tell myself, that I either can allow myself to be empowered, to be able to support life for exactly that purpose, and to stop playing this fucking game in my head, to stop the excuses, the voids, the envying, the polarity points, obviously none of this shit is working.
         The 2nd experience, was in regards to my relationship with music, but in the end, seeing that this relates to everything. So I was watching a nice guitar player named pierre bensusan. I saw how freely he was with his instrument, and how expressive he was. Within this, I had seen that I have been limiting myself in each relationship, to participate in my music, in exercise, in conversations, simply to please others, to try to get some verification. Thus, this was another point that I knew practically needed to be worked on, and that, expressing myself was a point of self support with who I am as a physical body, and to as well open up the reality that it is an equal expression, and not a point or competition of the mind, because as any musician reading this knows, that when you try to think, and when you implement irrelevant concepts to your work, you inevitably become less effective, less expressive. So this opened up the point, of how I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my physical expression as life, in regards to trying to protect the game, the ego, and not letting go.

The final point that I have gathered from the last few months, is that I've never realized, that it am WAAAYYY more capable of controlling myself, of improving activities, of supporting myself and others, than I define myself as. It's this preconception, that because I apparently feel unconfident, or because I allowed myself to abuse that moment, or not have enough compassion or integrity, that apparently it'll take me till eternity to change that application, and that confidence. Now realistically, there's just points that we won't get through, until we walk through it enough times, and walk through each detail of the point, but what in really trying to say, is that, a portion of the inadequacy, can be changed and improved pretty quickly, just like facing an intense emotion, and then just simply stopping yourself, and then your perfectly fine and dandy, on to the next thing. Or when I would talk to someone, and have all of these self judgements that would just dawn on me for months on end, when really, I could just let go of a good portion of points right then and there, and function and be just fine.

So, throughout the next few days, I will be implementing the blogging regiment into my schedule to start posting my experiences through self support, for others to read as support, and in general, approach the point of writing as more of a tool to fix what needs to be fixed, not as a point of relief, or as to accumulate a position I'm trying to protect. Also, taking points on one step at a time, and not creating an obsession with a point to feed a related emotion or energy that I've related to my writing, which wouldn't be really writing or self applying anyways. And therefor, understanding that writing my journey to life, is no different than building a car, learning an instrument, because REAL learning, is applying what's here, what's practical, what's best, and not what's irrelevant, preconceived, or skewed by useless emotions and opinions.

Day 112 - being moved and dictated by expectations

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have expectations, which dictate who I am, how I experience myself, to where I would go into instability if these expectations aren't met.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to generate discouragement within myself for not seeing the expectations of a physical appearance that I'd want out of self interest within my workout program that I've been doing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have masturbated out of wanting the 'quick fix' that I didn't get with the results I had expected after so long of doing this workout program. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have abused myself out of wanting to gain a positive experience in opposite to the accepted and allowed discouragement from the 'results'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become in a depressive state for not 'feeling' that I've met a certain set of expectations; a certain physical appearance, a good musician, a stable being, etc. within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear not surviving as what I expect as positivity.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to give up and allow myself to become further unstable, within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not stabilize within breath, and within writing in order to stop myself, slow myself down, and to correct what I've accepted and allowed as unstable.

I commit myself to investigate further as to what I've accepted and allowed as expectations, as survival, and to slow myself down and walk through each point.

When and as I see myself creating this point of discouragement from the expectation of wanting to have a certain physical appearance from the workout program, I stop, I breath, and I understand that I am as physically fit as my body gets, and to do these workouts as physical support, and to not feed into insecurities.

I see and realize that I had used picture images to fill in this void that I've accepted and allowed as wanting to look a certain way. Within this, when and as I see myself becoming discouraged, or judge myself, I stop, I breath, and I do not further feed the energy, and I forgive the point of self abuse, and correct myself.

I commit myself to slow down, to take a break, and to set a list of priorities, and then walk through them daily, and to stop allowing myself to have an unstable schedule.

Day 111 - thinking instead of doing part 2

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize and fully understand that by doing instead of thinking, that progress will be made, within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to think about what I 'will do' in fear that what I've already worked with isn't 'good enough'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not build up physical confidence through working on music/writing, and instead stress over this self definition, self categorized definition of 'I'm not good enough".

I forgive myself at I've accepted and allowed myself to thus be dictated by comparing myself to others in my mind as 'I need to be this good now', not seeing and realizing that I'm cross referencing with thought, which thus impedes how practically good I am, and thus what I have to practically work with.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus hold myself back from doing, through the fear of not surviving to deluded expectations, within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that I 'have to be this good at exercising, writing, art, music, etc' when in reality there are things that I still need to build up to and work on that realistically isn't something I'm able to do currently.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not be self honest with myself with what I'm practically capable of, and then working up with what's here/what I'm capable of.

When and as I see myself thinking about working on something, out of procrastination to actually doing it, I stop I breath, and I see what's here, and align myself to where I will get to it, now or eventually.

I commit myself to us consistently work on my daily activities to unlock the reason for why I think and procrastinate time, where I have fears.

I see and realize that thinking up images of 'what will be', is but a suppression to not face fears of lacking ability, of inadequacy.

I commit myself to consistently remain on schedule we my activities, to deconstruct and disclose points, thus transcend myself within here activities.

I see and realize that knowledge not lived is useless bullshit, and thus I commit myself to apply what I know and understand within my activities, through living it out.

When and as I see myself in a state of laziness out of self judgement of 'not able' I stop, I breath, and I practically move with what I require participating in, and I get it done.

I see and realize that with putting in work, that results will be made, and that this as well takes time to have any point of progression.

When and as I see myself initially defining myself before actually working, I stop, I breath, I let go of what I've defined/categorized myself as through self forgiveness, and I work/eventually work on what I require doing.

I see and realize that what I'm able to do, that there is always tools to cross reference with at what I'm practically capable of, and that trying to cRoss reference with what I think will only create a barrier from that.

I see and realize that there are points that I'm not able to reach yet, and that it takes work and practice to get to points, to strengths, to understanding, to ability, which requires being self honest wi what I can and cannot do.

I commit myself to work on self honesty and actually doing my activities through breathing, and cross referencing with scheduled participations.

Day 110 - thinking instead of doing part 1

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think about playing music, or writing, out of the lack of moving myself in the physical to actually work on music, work on my writings.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in reaction to thinking about music or writing, that I'm 'never going to get it done, I'm not good enough' instead of investigating why I'm having the lack of moving myself physically.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus drive myself through images, out of the fear of lacking ability to move physically with music, with writing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not in fact move and transcend my commitments to playing music or writing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back with knowledge of what I need to do, with not actually living what I know and understand about music or my writings.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus allow laziness, within this judging myself initially as 'not able' when I am not giving myself the time to physically move with music, with writing.

Day 109 - sleeping in, fear of missing part of my day

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to over sleep.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse that it's my medicine that makes me over sleep. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not practically adjust myself to sleeping my 8 - 9 hours as support to not let myself oversleep.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear missing time I could've been awake, out of the fear of not accomplishing certain tasks during the day.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will miss workout time or music time due to having slept in. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate the fears of failing, to sleeping in.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not practically let go of these fears, and to initially get my sleep schedule utilized to where I can participate regularly in what I'm destined to participate in, to where I can then utilize those fears of failing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not actively arrange myself when having slept in, to be able to utilize my activities in relationship to getting proper sleep to be able to remain in stability.

I commit myself to set an alarm, and to go to be earlier to where I get proper sleep.

When and as I see myself in the chance to wake up after my 8 - 9 hours of sleep, but want to go back to sleep, I stop, I breath, and I get up and move around, and cross reference with my schedule to get used to being awake earlier than what I would want to sleep in more.

When and as I see myself having over slept to an extent, to where I practically don't have time for certain tasks, and then become fearful of losing that time, I stop, I breath, and I practically arrange myself back to getting proper sleep, and then utilize those fears the next day when in participation with them.

I see and realize that I have fears of not accomplishing certain tasks, which result in fears of failing when missing out, and thus, when and as I see myself in fear of missing out of workout time or music time, due to sleeping in, I stop, I breath, and I see what I fear losing, and I forgive the point, and practically correct myself to a stable sleep schedule to where I can practically participate in these activities.

I commit myself to get back on a regular schedule to where I can stabilize myself within my activities and my day to day living, by giving myself a stable sleep schedule to where I do not over sleep.

Day 108 - fearing failure

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear failure, to fear not being able to survive in a monetary system within my own idea of what I perceive as winning.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to make it through certain activities within my life, within the idea that I'm not good enough, or won't be able to make it to this superior extent.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have this predetermined notion of 'where I will be' and then having the fear of not reaching that expectation. Within his, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself to where I placed myself on this higher point as suppression of the fear of not doing well.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become demotivated out of allowing these expectations weigh myself down when I see that it takes time to get good at what I'm participating in.
Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not use what I can here as physical support to practically enjoy myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus hold onto this idea that I have to be more than others, where I want to have this competition/survival.

When and as I see myself in the fear for failure at something, or continue with this trance of stress, I stop, I breath, and I deconstruct what exactly I'm fearing, and why I have created the idea of wanting to win.

When and as I see myself judging myself as 'not good enough' out of having placed myself in a position of survival, I stop, I breath, and I let go of the money relationship, come back to what is relevant as support, and then state self forgiveness on what I have judged myself, or compare pd myself with.

I see and realize that having this image of fantasy is only the opposite of the fear of failure, within this, I commit myself to deconstruct my usual fantasies and ideas of what I 'will be'.

When and as I see myself having the experience of laziness, or of not wanting to continue in participation, I stop, I breath, and I deconstruct from the point of what I had used as energy to motivate me before, and I forgive the point p/idea which I use as positivity.

I see and realize that wanting to be better than another being for self interest is only a reflection of fearing of losing within my own idea of survival. Thus, I commit myself to disclose this separation that I have within my life of 'not being good enough' or 'losing' at.

Day 107 - losing direction part 2

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into wanting to be entertained as the mind, instead of using time to give myself stability and direction.

I forgive myself hat I've accepted and allowed myself to do this out of wanting to run away from 'negativity' and thus not take self responsibility for moments that I experience myself as negative. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus only accumulate points by feeding both polarities deliberately through entertainment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become indecisive with what I participate in as support, through having fed polarities, and not having breathed and stated self forgiveness on polarity points within daily participation.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to generate fear of losing myself within participation, not seeing and realizing that I have the tools, and the ability to change myself in any given moment to where I can properly direct myself through whatever participation.

When and as I see myself losing direction in the context of giving into the mind, I stop, I breath, and I immediately find a starting point hat supports myself ashy sisal, such as breathing, and stating self forgiveness, or seeing what I can work with here.

I commit myself to continue following my writings on schedule, and by also supportive what I do outside of writing by focusing on stating constructive and conclusive self forgiveness statements that support what I'm participating with here physically.

I see and realize that I can always direct myself through directing myself with what I require working with in the given moment, and that I am not dictated by my schedule, but simply that the schedule is there to cross reference with supportive things that I could do/should do.

I commit myself to not let self judgements take over what I require taki self responsibility for. Thus, when and as I see myself going into self judgement, I stop I breath, and I walk through that self judgement through physical direction, and deconstructing these judgements as much as possible to where I am no longer dictated by them.

When  and as I see myself wanting to entertain myself instead of directing myself and structuring myself , I stop, I breath, and I find a way to direct myself with what is here, and I let go of the excuses or what I had fallen into, and change myself within hat moment to assure that I am and remain as consistent.

When and as I see myself wanting to entertain myself as to run away from 'negative' points, I stop, I brea, and I do not give into entertaining the mind any further, and I find a way to direct myself back to what's relavent/around me, and I do not feed into wanting to release energy, and I bring myself back to consistency, whether I like it in that moment or not, understanding at it is what's best.

I see and realize that when I feed these polarity points, that I will become indecisive inevitably, and thus, I commit myself to practically keep myself on bringing myself back to directive principle, and thus within is, always knowing that I can direct myself through working with what's here.

I see and realize that there is no excuse to not being able to direct myself, and that I can always brea, I can always state, and write self forgiveness, and I can always cross reference with what's here.

Day 106 - losing direction, and not following supportive participation, part 1

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to lose direction within the context of what best supports myself as life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become indecisive out of not following my writings, or my physical participation. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have allowed my mind to direct itself into wanting entertainment, or not allowing myself to direct myself within breath to where I could consistently continue such direct support.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself direction within this point of losing self direction. Within this I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can always breath, and stand up in any moment which could give myself proper direction and stability. Within this, I forgive myself at I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse that I must be dictated by my scheduled participation, in order to not see what I have to work with in front of me, here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus expect a certain value in order to support myself, within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place self judgements and limitations in front of what's most supportive for myself within writing and other participations.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to go into wanting entertainment for the mind, to suppress points that I've allowed to accumulate from not giving myself consistent direction.

Day 105 - fearing indecisiveness, or inadequacy

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that how I structure my time in communication, exercising, or music that it is in an indecisive manner or in fear that I am inadequate within how I structure myself within such participations.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that I won't progress 'as good' or be as effective within how I structure myself within communication, exercising, music, etc.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare myself or judge myself to others, as a void for not being willing to fully commit to working with what I have, what I have structured for myself, and what I can possibly do within that structured time.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus categorize myself in these comparisons and judgements as either a well structured personality, or a indecisive personality. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create competition in fear that I am indecisive within how I structure my time in communication, exercising, music, etc.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become in stress over whether I'm well structured, or stress over whether how I structure myself in time will be effective 'enough'. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place resource value on communication, music, and exercising, as if I'm going to lose these participations, or lose confirmation for being able to participate.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it takes physical movement and practically what I have here, in order to see and experiment, experience what works within communication, exercising, and music. Etc.

When and as I see myself generating fear of indecisiveness within how I structure my time in activities, I stop, I breath, and I practically see what I have to work with, how well I can approach these participations, and practically work with that, and then continue with natural practice and experimenting.

I see and realize that I will be as effective as I can be, which is enough to work with, and that fear is just to want more in the mind, and not be willing to work with what's here, Thus within this understanding that what 'could' be is completely irrelevant than what I can manage here.

When and as I see myself creating images of others as inferior or superior within the fear of being indecisive, I stop, I breath, and I stand one and equal to myself, accepting what I have to work with,and thus not placing judgements or categorizing myself or others.

 I see and realize that I have created this dictatorship of allowing myself to be placed as less value than these participations, thus within this I see and realize that I am equal to these participations, and that they are simply there to support myself as life, as I am there to use these things, and participate.

I commit myself to thus have the starting point of these activities be as physical support, and to always breath, to see how what works, and how these relationships function through further experiencing and investigating myself in relationship to them.

Day 104 - inpatients and self judgement when playing music, part 1

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect something I work on, like music, to just form into something or be built over night, without seeing and realizing that it takes time to build and form.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself that 'I'm not good enough' when working on music, within the context of what I place myself as inferior in comparison to other musicians.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be dictated by judgements when making/playing music, as if those judgements move myself as expression as the music.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus want to rush a project I am working on, in fear that I am the negative judgement/'not good enough', and then wanting to be that superior position as the motive.

When and as I see myself wanting to rush through a project as if it can be done over night, I stop, I breath, and I look at what I practically have to work with, and what I have created/built, and continue supporting myself as what is here to support myself and enjoy that which is here.

I see and realize that I am equal to other musicians! but simply require working with what is around me to build myself as a musician! and to thus make music EQUALY for others to enjoy it EQUALY, without having to place judgement or standards in relationship to other musicians.

I see and realize that I am only limiting myself self expression I music by creating negative and positive judgements, and that I am postponing actual movement through trying to fulfill these points in my mind.

I commit myself to further deconstruct these judgements and relationships I have created in relationship to music and who I am with playing and working on music. Within this, I commit myself to practice breathing with working with music, to investigate the separation I have made with negative judgements, and with eagerness.

Physical participation day 103 - pushing for glory

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to push myself through exercises out of wanting to be glorified at the end of the exercises.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to look in the mirror after an exercise as wanting to have this sense of positivity/accomplishment that I 'am strong, worked hard'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus workout initially out of physical support, but then throughout the exercise, start using my mind that I will gain a positive image to push myself through the exercises extensively/not using breathing to support myself.

When and as I see myself creating a relationship to wanting to glorify myself at the end of workouts, I stop, I breath, and I understand that I am only creating a useless ego towards my physical support to create a void from actually working with what my body is truly capable of within the current condition it's in.

I see and realize that exercising is merely a form of physical support, as any other activity, and that I am creating abuse by exploiting myself and thus over stressing my body through acknowledging it in context to wanting to 'be more/bigger/fitter'

I commit myself to focus on breathing within sync to each move I do, as a way to build physical support through tough exercises, and thus correcting what I would usually use as a mind push, and thus not over working my body.

Physical participation day 102 - fear of messing up/not being able

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear not meeting standards that others are able to reach. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others, in fear that I will make more mistakes, or won't be skilled, or able enough as others are.

I forgive myself that I've accepted  and allowed myself to judge myself that I'm 'not good enough' or 'won't be able to get any better'. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame myself as if I deliberately made myself unable, or inadequate, within the point of comparing myself to other beings.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place myself within competition against others out of the fear of not being able to make it, and then placing this predetermination of beating the others in my mind.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not practically support myself with what I am able to support myself and others with, and to instead create self interest and desire for gain, such as in exercising, music, day to day life.

When and as I see myself creating the point of comparison out of fearing a position that I've created by relating this superior factor over myself, I stop, I breath, and I identify what physically is available that I can support myself and others with equally.

I commit myself to consistently forgive and correct self judgements that I make in comparison to others, and by supporting myself, looking and identifying what practically I have physically worked win and built to support myself here equally.

I see and realize that to want more is her ear of surviving within what's been made universal as myself, from media and from environment, and that I can accept and allow myself to participate as competition, or I can participate as giving and taking equally, and supporting myself instead of abusing myself just to gain from competition.

I commit myself to follow through with corrections I've made within these specific activities, as to support myself to continuing them, and deconstructing their elation ships that I've built over an accumulated period of time, and to also slow myself down and give myself breaks to support myself.