Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Day 121 - feeling trapped

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience being trapped in my mind, trapped in my body.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try recovering from the experience through money, through desires, through personalities. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give up on self responsibility/self honesty when experiencing myself trapped in my own mind, trapped in my body.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that this is my minds way of healing itself through following desired experiences, comforting experiences to feed the mind.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience being scared of losing my old habitual relationships, within this experiencing being trapped, with the preconception that if I let go of these old relationships, that I will end up in starving or suffering, or even dead.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use others within this experience of fearing myself, where I try to hide myself, and use others as a leverage to hold myself up in these old habitual relationships.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into panic when confronting these relationships, when realizing that these relationships are in fact what I'm trapping myself within. Within this,
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience powerlessness, helplessness, when realizing these old habitual relationships.

I commit myself to open up one specific relationship each day, in which I find relating itself to this experience of feeling trapped in my mind, trapped in my body.

I commit myself to start focusing on physical things that have an equal purpose - what's best for all, what's most supportive for me and my environment. Within this, I see and realize that by initially moving myself with physical things, open up my accepted and allowed limitations/what I've trapped myself within my mind and where I've related this point of being trapped with my own body in regards to the minds chemistry.

When and as I see myself trying to heal myself with desires, with future projections or self admirations, I stop, I breath, and I do not follow this, but instead replace these experiences with what's here, with what I can do physically here.

I see and realize, that these frightening experiences when confronting myself, is simply my mind resisting change, is my mind wanting to heal itself, and trying to hide the true nature of myself within the old habitual relationships. Therefor, when And as I see myself becoming scared, trapped, I stop, I breath, I slow down, I take a walk, have a cigaret, talk to my family and friends, etc. and let go of the experience, and release the stress and fear through that which is here, that which is simple and practically available.

I commit myself to open up the point as to why I latch onto specific people, why I find it difficult to be alone with my own acceptances and allowances, and thus build integrity to where I no longer put my trust in emotional dependence, and reconstruct myself to build physical dependence in replacement.

I commit myself to focus on building back up to a new foundation of what I will and will not accept to be myself, as myself, and within this, facing these intense experiences of fear when facing myself, when realizing myself, when opening up the reality of my relationships.

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