Day 121 - scared of myself, scared of changing old relationships

So it seems that currently I have been faced with the situation of seeing my relationships for real, and realizing how abusive I've accepted and allowed myself to be in these relationships. I have been experiencing allot of resistance, and is resistance comes in the form of freight, of allowing my mind to observe that I'm losing these old habitual patterns, and am at a gate that will only open if I dedicate myself to changing these relationships - emotions, self definitions, the general chemistry that I've used to survive from, to keep my mind stable.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear change, to the point of accepting and allowing the point of "this is too scary, I don't want to face that". Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance from facing myself, by going into reaction, and not slowing down, breathing, or practically applying self forgiveness to stabilize myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by my mind when facing these relationships, when facing the true nature of self. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create more extensive points through reacting to the point of possession.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take the time to be stable and write/correct myself as preparation to when facing these points within myself again. Within this I commit myself to over time lay out effective ways of remaining stable, and applying activities, and physical work to bring myself back to breath.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become confused as to how I should be moving, what I should be doing, and then becoming scared of losing myself in possession, not seeing and realizing that I require developing a support system/physical dependency to help me when in such experiences. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to build trust and intimacy with physical things and people/ those in my immediate environment to be able to assist myself to bring myself back here.

When and as I see myself going into reaction to a specific point, or go into the experience of intense discontent, I stop, I breath, and I forgive myself for the experience, and slow down, breath, and allow change to flow and let go of the resistance.

When and as I see myself going into a point of possession of fear, I stop, I breath, and I slow down, work with something, release it through self forgiveness, talk to my support system, and walk through the experience by exposing what had initially caused the intense fear, or the intense emotion.

I commit myself to work with a support system, and build a more effective relationship by doing my part in ensuring that I stay in line with my process, and being honest with those in my immediate environment, and also working with physical things as self support when I require building self intimacy.