Day 138 - resistance and resentment towards my father

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience resistance when around my father, to where when I am around him, I want to just hide from him, and just put on a happy face and limit myself from being able to express myself openly with my father.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger and resentment towards my father, to where when I hear him coming in my room, or when I enter the house, I have this tendency to prepare myself in a suppressive state of appearance, to where I suppress the anger, and I suppress what I experience within myself towards him, to the point that I try to do everything I can to hold back from just being nasty to him, and to hold back from just yelling at him, or retaliating against him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist my father due to the anger that I have built up within myself, to where I go into backchat of positivity, to where "I'm better than him and everyone else, and it can do anything and he can't stop me because he's always been destructive, and been mean and nasty to me". Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself, based off of suppressing this anger and resentment relationship towards my father.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to please my father, and other people in my environment, within the idea that something is wrong with me, that is my fathers fault for feeling that something is wrong with me. Thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold anger and resentment towards my father, out of seeing that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression, and that this is somehow my fathers fault, for having been raised by him, and for having experienced myself negatively around him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe, that I have to live limited, under the resentment and anger that I've experienced towards my father, due to the fact that I've always accepted and allowed this point of resentment and anger to exist within myself, and shape myself, and make me who I've become. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my father, and become absolutely angry with my father, because I've seen and realized that I've become somebody who's limited, in constant fear, in constant denial, in constant suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hide and run away from this point, out of wanting to deny the experiences I've accepted and allowed within myself, and that I want to just hide and suppress all of this, because I've been so used to running away, and not facing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on male figures, to be there for me, where I want them to be apart of my life, and want myself to be apart of there's, but that when it comes down to a consistent relationship, and a consistent point of support, I fail, because I've related male figures as someone I have high hopes for to be there for me, but then when it comes to being in relationship to them, I simply resent them, and end up abusing them, and not having a healthy relationship with them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not slow down, and breath, and apply what is here, as a point of reference to slow myself down, and self direct what the problem is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect my experiences, and relationships, to be based off of the foundation that I've related towards my father, which is hope, followed by relationship, then followed by resentment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to give up, in fear that I can't face this point within myself, in fear that I will lose everyone, and fear that I will lose my support system, and family, and destenis support. Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize, that I have related my consistency to process, and to my relationships, as a definition of emotional attachment, and emotional dependcy, to remain stable, and to remain in the point of feeling stable, when not seeing and realizing, that this has all been a self deceptive mechanism to remain stable in my old approach to relationships. Within this, I commit myself to let go of this point, to look at what's here, and apply myself within self directive principles, and breathing.

SCS will follow in part 2.