So it all started at the point of seeing that I was over eating, and where I was not taking self responsibility in controlling myself from over eating. I had seen within myself that I was facing a point within taking my medication, and so I ended up going into fear of the appetite increase that the medication has been giving me. Within this, I had also seen, that I had the fear of what would happen if I took myself off of my medication due to not wanting the appetite increase, or the potential consequence of gaining weight while taking the medication.
I ended up going into a point of, "I need to find out how I can suppress my appetite, how I can get help so that I don't gain weight, within this, not seeing and realizing that I was actually provoking fear within myself, to where I had abdicated self responsibility, and not had actually slowed down, sat down, and written out as to why I was feeling hungry on the medication, and forgiving the points of having over eaten, and seeing the specifics of where I have accepted and allowed myself to had over eaten in my past, while on or off medication.
So I ended up finding the tendency, to go on forums, and ask how I could suppress my appetite, or prevent myself from gaining weight. Within this, I had decided to also call my partner, or tell her about what I was struggling with. Now telling her about my issue in itself wasn't invalid, or mis directive in a general sense, but how I accepted and allowed myself to create the starting point of fear within telling her, provoked a consequence of become irritated with her, and blaming her for her saying certain things that I within my mind took as a personal attack, when really she was just trying to support me.
Now the points to investigate and utilize, are to see where I had fallen into fear of my medication, to where I then wanted to share it with my partner, and then to where I blamed her for when she was simply confronting me and telling me the truth about what I was experiencing, and also seeing where I had felt as if she was being unsupportive, or where I judged her words as an attack, or trying to put me down, when I in fact accepted and allowed myself to take her words personally, because I already limited myself with fear, and thus projected myself onto her as her trying to limit me.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have provoked and generated fear within myself, to where I was simply facing a point about my medication, and to where I had used that point, to create fear of facing it, and went into reaction of "what if I gain weight on my medication", "I need to get off of it", "what if my relationships are compromised and I can't deal with my health and my relationships". Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to have written out the fears, and to have utilized them, and correct myself and set up a plan as to how I will further support myself with these points while on the medication.
I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to have realized, that the very reason I spiraled into fear, was because I was not allowing myself to self direct myself throughout the day beforehand, and that in consequence, I allow fear to generate within facing this point, for the fact that I wasn't allowing myself to focus, due to abdicating self responsibility before hand.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have thus not further taken the time to investigate the points in relationship to my medication, and the fears I had, or have been self honest with myself and pushed to see where the points lied in alignment to my relationship with health, medication, and my relationships.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have instead of investigating my fears first, instead shared my fears on forums, and with my partner, to where I had created a starting point to where I would not have accepted support, for the fact that I was self sabotaging myself to begin with, in relationship to facing myself with my relationship with medication, and with facing myself with gaining weight, and the initial concern for my health.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have thus brought these fears to my partner, and made excuses to have these fears, and then share them with her, without having investigated them beforehand, and facing them myself, and then actually sharing with her what I had found, and what I could correct within these points with my medication, and the fears I was facing in relationship to the medication, and gaining weight/over eating.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have used my partner, as an energy source of venting, instead of participating with sharing with her, what I've realized within myself, and what I have discovered about my points. Within this, I thus forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have expected her to give me a convenient attitude, to where I expect her to tell me "it's ok, you will be fine" instead of facing the fact that she was simply telling me the truth, and confronting me about the fact that I was making excuses and placing her in an uncomfortable position within me provoking fear, and me wanting to vent to her my fear. Within this, I thus forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame her for supporting me/telling me the truth, and not instead allowing myself to breath, and assess the situation as to why I was accepting and allowing myself to remain and fear, and what position I placed her in when telling her my fears/points, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to self sabotage myself while she was trying to support me, and then just telling her excuses about how I was feeling, instead of actually just listening, and allowing myself to learn from what she was telling me.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus hold resentment towards her, from the point of her not giving into my self sabotage, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to potentially abuse her within communication, and compromise my support from her, for the fact that I was compromising my own process to begin with.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus fear having faced myself within this situation of her confronting me, to where I didn't want to give up the personality relationship I've placed value on in relationship to my partner, and to where I wanted to go and feed off of suppressing the emotion, through feeding and continuing to feed the fear of wanting to figure out how I could control her, to where she would potentially give into my shit, or to where I would continue living in the pattern of abusing her in this way, to where I compromise her support, and my ability to receive support from her.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus judge her as "not supportive" within the sense that "she doesn't know how to support me", when not seeing and realizing that I in fact am not willing to receive support from her, because I'm too shit scared to support myself. Thus within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself, to see and realize, that I have actually suppressed my emotions, and in facing myself, and seeing the abuse in where I blame my partner for "not being supportive" through trying to tell her or show her how "I'm being supportive". Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not see and realize, that I have sabotaged my support systems, with not only my partner, but with others, out of trying to impress them with how "I'm being supportive".
I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself, to see and realize, that I have used this defense mechanism of others not being supportive, and me being "the most supportive" out of the fear of actually being more supportive and capable of being more supportive, than I allow myself to be, and thus in return, blaming others for when I don't feel convenienced for when I go to them and self sabotage myself in talking about the points and fears I'm facing, instead of just fucking facing them and taking self responsibility for the fears I'm facing. Which means, stating self forgiveness, self corrective statements, and applying those principles, without the expectation that others will know about it. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to fear actually standing for what's best for life, and applying tools, and what I discover within myself, and living that out in self application, and thus instead, just writing it out, and then just telling everybody what I'm facing and not doing anything about it.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus fear facing myself, and actually taking self responsibility, within facing the point of actually stopping patterns of self interest, and actually thus being willing to face the real shit within myself, and facing the real points that I require facing, and seeing where I can actually see the full hardcore truth about my own mind. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to fear my own truth, to fear my own mind, and to fear my own abuse, to fear my own details of my mind, to fear my bullshit, how I interact with others, how I've self deceived myself in delusion. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus butter everything up just to be able to function within my own delusion, instead of actually breathing in every moment, and applying what I've discovered within myself, step by step, and living and breathing self responsibility, living and brewing what's best for all life, within the points I'm actually facing. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize, that my lack of self responsibility, is the lack of pushing myself, the lack of giving up all self interest, and the lack of actually committing to changing myself within the commitments I've written out.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not actually push through my points to get to the nigh gritty of what's actually within me, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to use the excuse of telling everybody my points, and "sharing" my points" when I haven't actually shared my own points with myself, but instead just have had the intent of writing in order to show other people what I'm doing, in order to create that void from facing myself, and then applying those points of self correction to my everyday life.
I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to thus utilize the point of pushing through my fears, my emotions, my points, and applying those self corrective statements, while learning at the same time how to share my points. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not see and realize, that within any moment I "feel" like sharing with my partner, or with anyone else, that I must take self responsibility in actually understanding the point first, and actually applying it, before even seeing that I even require to share that point.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the personality of "supporting others" when not seeing and realizing, that I must support myself first. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to thus utilize how to support myself first, without the intent of sharing it with others out of fear of facing myself, and creating that void from facing myself, to the point where I can support others, in a slow and light way initially, but then gradually building the ability to learn how to actually in fact support myself.
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