So I have come to the understanding, that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow patterns in my mind, to such an extent, that I had to come to the point of realization, which is that I have the tendency within myself, to fear facing myself so much, because all I've ever tried to do when I allow myself to get scared of this journy to life process, is verify my personality relationships. I have built further relationships off of personalities, and deception, that I had went into the scared mode again, but there is one thing that I have yet to let go of. I have yet to allow myself to let go of losing everyone, and within this, I have the tendency to try to tell everyone what I'm going to do to fix myself, but the funny thing is, is that I never end up doing anything, or in other instances, I'll progress to an extent, but I will still be trying to fix my problems, off of the invalid foundation, that other people HAVE to help me, or HAVE to understand where I'm coming from.
I have gone my whole life, wondering why I still make the same mistakes, and why I am so confused about myself, and it always leads to the realization of self, what I'm really doing and how I'm abusing others, but then, I go into instant self sabotage, to where I then proceed to feel the need to tell everyone that "I'm ganna do this, I'm ganna be self supportive" when not actually just fucking doing it, alone.
I realize within all of this, that I require being very careful with my communication with others, and to breath, and look into how I proceed to communicate in this way, of trying to "call for help/get saved.
Bernard and desteni itself, has taught me allot, but the thing that I always miss, is self application for real, and it seems I had to learn the hard way in order to figure out, that I can't keep trying to control everyone around me to my convenience, in order to feel better about my bullshit, and as to why I can never actually change, or ever actually get out of my mind, step out of the bubble, and forgive myself for my entire acceptances and allowances, and just embrace myself in the life I've accepted and allowed, and the people I have abused.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to forget, and not see or understand, that I require taking self responsibility and support myself for myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to convince everyone, that I need them in my life to be capable of helping myself, when I never gave myself a chance to truly help myself to begin with.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to fear taking self responsibility, and to fear helping myself, because of the fear of losing everyone and everything in the process. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to bring others down with my fears, with my lack of support and lack of willingness to support the very people who have been there to support me. Therefor, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to abuse others, in order to feel better about my own self sabotage, and to believe that I will get better, as long as I have someone to be there to lift me up, not realizing that I am inevitably going to end up abusing them, within the context of my unwillingness to truly forgive myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into the same patterns within my personalities, and to continue blaming others through self sabotaging myself initially, to where I place and thing my problems are there fault, because "they don't want to help me, they think I'm a horrible person, so I will project that feeling onto them". Within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abuse others, and my partner, when they in reality only want what's best for me in my life, and are the ones who truly care about me. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to lose them, without being aware, that I am in reality going to push them away and lose them through blaming them, through clinging onto them, and by allowing myself to be possessed by insecurities, which is completely due to not allowing myself to simply forgive myself, for all of the abuse, and then accepting and embracing my past and abuse, but then changing myself consistently, without calling their names to aid my self destruction, and self pity and bullshit.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to always have the idea in my mind, that I have to wait for them to "love me again, to forgive me, to help me", not realizing that this is the fear that I'm going to lose them in my life, when they have proven countless times to me that they were always there to support me.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to forget who I am within this world when thinking of spending my whole day, just trying to please others, and my partner, hoping I won't hurt them, and that I will change myself, not seeing and realizing that I am only compromising my time to take real self responsibility, and thus potentially compromising the entire relationships that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of.
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