Day 133 - falling within losing focus on what's best

So today I have chosen to sort of be a free time day. Within this I had not actually seen the point as to why I had chosen to do this, and not find the time to write, to do chores, to do something in regards to financial situation, or to communicate more with my partner in a directive way, including those around me. So basically today was a day of accepting and allowing myself to lose focus on what's best, through simply following the blind ways of my mind, and just doing what "feels good", instead of taking a whole day of free time, to direct myself,a nd learn or discover myself in how I use my free time, and where it leads me within my mind.

The point to where I had fallen, was over eating, and masturbating. I had wanted to feed more mind energy through food, and self pleasure with abusing my body out of not even seeing where I was following my mind.

So tonight's blog will be a point of learning how to use my free time, to where I can stick with a. Consistent schedule, and also how I can continue investigating myself and applying previously made commitments, while I have free time.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use free time, within my day, as a point of following self interest and not being self directive, to the point where I had fallen into over eating, and masturbating.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that within a time of freedom to explore myself, I have always used these times to waiste, and not actually use it to take self responsibility, and discover myself within how I can use free time to do what's best for all.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have followed the patterns of - music, videogames, eating, driving, and chilling. Within this, I see that these are the points I have to change within this blog, and redefine myself to when I have free time.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define today as "free time", not seeing and realizing that this is a verification of my mind, to state that I can freely accept and allow abuse to continue, to allow myself to be limited, to allow myself to lose focus on what's best for all, and to just allow my mind to roam free.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use today as a point of self interest to over eat. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to stick to my commitment of discovering my body, and health, and how I relate to my body, and how I can build a healthy relationship with my body.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use today as to play music, as a point of wanting to feel accomplished, and good, and "heading towards being a musician" within wanting to play music all day, instead of using today to be more physically creative with building a new self, to building a better version of who I can be in times where I don't have any scheduled requirements.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use today's time to talk and drive with my "friend", and to waiste time getting cigarettes, when I could've been taking self responsibility for my life.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to non scheduled required day, to write, to investigate how I can better myself as a human, as expression, or to apply what I have written, such as getting in tune with my physical health, or going to the gym and working out, or walking outside, or eating healthier meals instead of fast food.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself, to use today as a point of spending more time with my dog, and supporting him.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to use today as an oppurtunity to call my brother and ask for the landman test book, so I could take the test to start working for my brother and get better financial support, or call Davison company to talk about my invention idea in order to potentially have opportunities in that area, or to go find manual labor.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to use today as studying desteni material, or studying cognitive behavioral therapy to where I can figure out which would be the best professional treatment to get due to my stay in the hospital.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to lose focus of what's best for all life, and to allow self interest, and the mind to guide me in the wrong path, to where I would potentially face consequences that I've accepted and allowed my mind to lead me towards. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to use all of the time I have within my life, to find better opportunities, and better ways to better myself, in order to better this world.

When and as I see myself waisting time on music, eating, chilling, driving, I stop, I breath, and I immediatly go to my room, get my journal, and write out a scheduled day as to what I should do that I see best in bettering myself, in taking self responsibility, and not losing focus on remaining stable, and self directive.

I commit myself to use my self commitments as tools to use as self responsibility in my non scheduled days, or "free time". Within this, I commit myself to start working on excersise, eating healthy, and investigating how to get in better health with my body. Also I commit myself to investigate my relationship with what I want to do financially, such as the career options I have, and spend time educating myself, in seeking out better opportunities that could support others/what's best for all.

When and as I see myself wanting to masturbate or over eat, I stop I breath, and I see that I am simply feeding energy, and must stop, and redirect the point to a self responsible schedule, of what's best for all.