So what I've realized in when communicating with my partner via skype, or cell phone, is that there will be consistent moments of where I will feed into old personality relationships, and habits, that will seem great in the scheme of things, but then when I participate in an emotion, or personality that relates to my partner, that causes emotional distress, then I can see allot more of how it operates within communication to my partner, and how I lead to a point of wanting to control, and manipulate her with these personalities..
So now is the point to discover and face myself, through investigating the context of these behaviors, personalities, emotions, backchat, etc. to where I can finally see where the issue has lied in my relationship to my partner
Today I will start with a point that I've had for a while, and it came up while I was talking to my partner about it.
So there is a point I have of feeling incompetent within myself as a partner, to where whenever my partner mentions her old partners/relationships, I go into a defense mode, where I tell myself "I'm better than them, they we're mean, I am not good enough because she's still stuck on those relationships, and I won't ever meet up to the expectations as they will". I then go into a point of trying to control my partner eventually through this, where I will look through her pictures on fb, or Instagram, or try and find guys she's talked to, to where I'm so jealous that I have to invade her freedom of expression and way of life.
So a problem here, is that I am accepting and allowing myself to limit my own self expression as a person, to where I go and blame my partner for having expressed herself with having pictures of whatever she likes, or may not bother with because they are old, or the fact that she imminently had past relationships that were potentially the same construct as our relationship we currently have, and so for this reason, I want to limit my partners self expression, and potentially her friends/peers expressions, by getting onto there case and blaming them for talking to her, because what's going through my mind is that "she's my girlfriend, not yours, and therefor you can't talk to her or have anything to do with her".
What this usually leads to is a potential consequence of where I will attack my partner and blame her for having these pictures of her past self, or with other people. Then it will usually lead to me defending my point when my partner confronts me about it, and where I will make up all kinds of excuses to where I justify the point of invading her freedom of expression, and in reality, trying to limit her way of expression, simply because I'm too incompetent to actually face myself and my insecurities, and so therefor I project that onto my partner, and tell her that she's the problem, when I'm actually the fucking problem.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my partner having an emotional connection with her past/old relationships. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear her having pictures of old partners, or old friends that I then perceive within this fear, that "they are more important than me, they shouldn't be there because I should be the only one in her pictures and am the most important out of all of them".
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel incompetent, and therefor attack my partner in my mind, with the notion that she shouldn't have others that she still has emotional connections with, and therefor shouldn't have pictures of them because "I'm her boyfriend/partner". Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that she is going through her own freedom of choice within her process, and that regardless of how I perceive how she experiences her emotions, or what she is doing with her pictures, I have no place in trying to control her or limit her with her self expression, or with her process. Thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to have the intent on potentially limiting my partners process, and self expression, through wanting her in my mind, to let go of those emotional connections, or get rid of those past pictures with herself, friends, and past partners. I also forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have created a limitation within what she does with her pictures, from past situations where I attacked her for having these pictures, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have attacked my partner for having these pictures.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit my own self expression, and prevent myself from accepting and embracing myself as my partners spouse, by accepting and allowing self judgement of my incompetence, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure, and to therefor attack my partner in the past, and currently in my mind, as a projection of my own insecurities.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have the feeling of guilt, for when she ended up deleting her pictures because of my want to control her, and for my actions of trying to convince her to take down her pictures. Within this, I also forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when she tells me that she took down more pictures because she "understood that I wouldn't have wanted them posted", and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to make the situation much bigger in my mind, than what it really is, and to not simply replace the situation with a practical self directive point, instead of allowing the fears, emotions, and intent to accumulate to further consequences that could possibly relate to other points within myself, or points related to my partner.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for what I experience within and as myself, in relations to incompetence, and thus the self judgement, when not seeing and realizing, that I require self directing these points, and reflecting on these points, to where I then can investigate where am I blaming my partner when I feel incompetent? What triggers these reactions and patterns when she says something, that relates to these pictures she has posted?
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to control my partner emotionally within the pattern of wanting her to not have these pictures, or to not have these emotional connections. Thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not let go of the emotional connection I have with my partner, and to not utilize myself in an alone state of mind, to where I'm alone within discovering who I am, and then within that, being able to discover who I am in relationship to my partner.
Part 2 will continue with more self forgiveness...
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