So this weekend I will be seeing my partner. She is 5 hours away in a city called Denton, where she is attending college at UNT, and I am excited to see her. Now the points I want to face now, are points I can see within myself that could come up within me when I see her - excitement, happiness, sadness, frustration.
Now within this, I'm going to write out out self forgiveness for each of these emotions I see myself potentially experience, and what to watch out for in what would trigger these emotions,
So excitement - what would usually happen in the instance of excitement, would be when I am getting close to Denton, then when I pull up to the parking garage, then when I park and get out, then when I'm walking towards her apartment, then when she opens the door, and I jump up and give her a big hug. Then I walk around with her and just want to know all that she's been doing, and then eventually it runs out, and I just experience myself as Neutral.
Happiness - happiness would be the expectation of us having a great time, and me being with My partner, and expecting everything to be fine and dandy. Whether we are cuddling, cooking together, sharing our points with eachother, going for a walk around the city, going to get groceries, going to the movies, etc.
Sadness - this is usually where the happiness and excitement bubble bursts, where I then experience something from my partner, or my environment around my partner, to where something makes me sad. For instance, we may be having sex, and then I don't feel like I'm pleasuring her enough, then we finish, and then I become sad because I feel incompetent, or feel not good enough, then I lay down and cry to her, or isolate myself, and usually I blame her for my incompetence, etc.
Frustration - the point of frustration, would be the point of me being frustrated with what I'm holding in within myself that I "can't stand" about my partner. Usually it's where I project my emotions onto her when she finds something wrong within how we are interacting, and instead of supporting myself, and thus supporting her to where we can resolve the situation, I get frustrated and blame her for the situation.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to let excitement exist within myself before going to see my partner.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect excitement to be a necessary experience for when going to see my partner, within the relationship to going there, almost getting there, and then arriving at her door and seeing her and hugging her. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within excitement, and not explore other ways to express myself towards my partner while going to go see/visit her.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow this limitation, within the suppression of having been away from my partner, and wanting to release that held up tension of not being able to see her, through getting excited when going to go see her.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to get excited, within the pattern of going to see my partner, and then when I leave, getting sad. So within this, I see that the point of excitement, is the polarity of sadness, where when I am receiving something of value to me that ive defined as me, I get excited, but then when I have to leave it, or lose it, I experience sadness.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the potential consequence of experience within myself through excitement, of when I see that it is getting close to me having to leave my partner, I get frustrated, sad, and where I cling onto my partner, or want to have a bunch of sex, or want to do everything that will suppress the emotion of sadness, that excitement ended up fucking me over for.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor set up consequences of negativity, and thus potential conflict within myself, through accepting and allowing excitement to exist within myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate excitement to seeing my partner, out of the idea that it's a "new experience" seeing my partner again. Within this, I forgive myself that I've placed more value towards my partner of when I see her after haven't seeing her for a while, to where I then place less value of seeing her after being around her for a while. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that this is what created inequality within my relationship to my partner, and creates a point of not being able to enjoy my partner equally as when I see her, and also when I've been around her for a while.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create the emotions of frustration with my partner, for when I am interacting with her, and communicating with her, and then after doing it repetitively, getting "tired" of being in those conversations, and then going towards blaming her and being frustrated within certain situations of communication.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to generate sadness within wanting to feed off of the experiences of suppression, and buttering up the problems, such as frustration, excitement, our sexual relationship, our problems within communicating, how we interact, and then place all of that into the emotion of sadness, and helplessness, and fear of losing those personality relationships.
When and as I see myself expressing excitement as a suppression and limited point from the problems that lie within myself, when going to see my partner, I stop, I breath, and I look at where I had suppressed which point within myself, in order to express and generate excitement within myself.
When and as I see myself defining my partner as who I am, in a personality related sense, within excitement and sadness, is stop, I breath, and I investigate the points I've defined as myself with my partner, and I forgive those points and replace the excitement with being here, in and as breath, and learning how I can express myself within the physical environment, and not on the expectation of seeing my partner.
When and as I see myself clinging to my partner, I stop, I breath, and I walk back to the point of where I had accepted and allowed myself to define my experience of excitement, to me having to cling to my partner, or smother her, and thus within this, I commit myself to investigate where I cling to my partner, where I've defined my partner as myself through fear, and where excitement and sadness and frustration underlies those definitions.
I commit myself to build an equal point within myself in relationship to my partner, as when I see or don't see her, or when I've been around her for a while, and investigate those points of inequality, in relationship to the definitions I've placed within my mind towards my partner as an unequal value.
I commit myself to investigate the points of our communication, our sexual relationship, our activities, and how all of this interconnects within my experience towards my partner, and learn how to build an equal and supportive relationship that is physically related, and not emotionally related.
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