When and as I see myself wanting to share what I am feeling, as a self sabotaging point, with my girlfriend, or with others, or someone else, within the consequence of thus setting myself up to place others in a position of fear, and thus not actually supporting anyone through allowing myself to self sabotage, I stop, I breath, and I instead of sharing, immediately go to writing SF SCS, and do not what so ever allow myself to share how I'm feeling with anyone, with my partner, or desteni, and to only share the points I've found out for myself, and know officially that I have corrected and understood, in order to receive support in how I can see the points better, and change myself and face myself better. Within this, I see and realize that I self honestly cannot share points with my partner, or anyone outside of desteni who are my buddy, until I for sure am certain that I will be supporting myself, and not abdicating self responsibility, or placing the other in a position of fear, or in a position of being abused by me within me self sabotaging myself through sharing my points.
I commit myself to never share my points individually, or on my fb page, with anyone, unless it's absolutely vital, and I require actually getting support to see where I can face myself in a more effective way, in seeing where I am missing something, and only discussing this with the forum, or my buddy, and when seeing the time is right, with my partner.
I see and realize that I cannot vent to my partner, and that I must in fact have assessed and investigated, and forgiven and corrected the point myself, before ever discussing it with my partner, under the principles that I am not self sabotaging, or trying to create a void in telling her my points. Thus within this, when and as I see myself, self sabotaging, and blaming my partner for telling me the truth and confronting me about the point, or what I'm not seeing, and I get a reaction of defending my feeling, or the fear, within the context of where I want her to tell me "it will be ok, sweetie, I love you" I immediately stop, breath, and state self forgiveness - "I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not see and realize, that the reason why I am not willing to receive support from my partner, is because I am not willing to face what she's telling me, and apply it through self forgiveness, and be self honest, within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to self sabotage, and excuse the fear and points, and blame her for supporting me with facts and truth, instead of embracing the truth, and facing myself within what she's telling me, or face the reactions to what she's telling me" " I commit myself to face myself in my reactions to what she's telling me, or what she's expressing to me, and to not what so ever blame her, or even try to support her or say anything further past the point of what I'm already experiencing myself within these fears and self sabotaging and blaming points"
I commit myself to apply these statements when in the experience of self sabotaging, and placing my partner, or anyone else, in a position of fear or abuse, to where I want a convenient pep talk, and to apply these statements, within the understanding that if I'm reacting in fear, or positivity, that I have a big problem required facing, and must face it immediately, and not further escalate the experience of self sabotage and projecting my emotions onto her, or blaming her.
When and as I see myself resenting my partner, due to the point of not letting go of wanting to control her within wanting her to butter up my points to where I don't have to face the fact that I'm abusing her and trying to place my shit onto her through me self sabotaging myself within what I'm facing, and thus potentially further compromising me receiving support from her, and her being able to support me, due to my unwillingness to support myself, I stop, and breath, and I immediately look at the point as to where I have accepted and allowed to project my points and fears onto her, to where I had not thus listened to what she was confronting me about that I was accepting and allowing, and I reflect that point of resent back onto myself within the understanding that I am the one who accepted and allowed the reaction of self sabotage, and wanting her to treat me within my convenience, because I feel incompetent of facing myself. Within this, I see and realize that resentment towards my partner out of her confronting me about a point, or her telling me how she feels with what I'm doing to her, is simply my excuse to not take self responsibility in my position of accepted and allowed abuse, and accepted and allowed fears, and points, and self interest. Within this, I see and realize that I thus am only projecting this onto her, when she confronts me about how she feels and experiences herself in the situation of me self sabotaging myself and venting fears to her to make her fear supporting me, due to me not being willing to support myself.
I commit myself to thus make sure, make CERTAIN, that I am in fact supporting myself, before going to my partner to share points, and that there is no room for self sabotage, to where I can lead up to the point of resentment, or blame, within the understanding of doing this, so that I do not further participate in this pattern to where I resent her, to where I self sabotage myself, vent to her, provoke fear towards her, compromise our relationship of support, blame her for her confronting me about how I'm abusing her, me seeing her expression of her being abused, and then the resent.
I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself, to see and realize, that seeing my partner aggravated, or upset with me, is actually me, it is a representation of what I've accepted and allowed to place onto her, and is in fact me, and that me resenting her for how she is expressing, in fact is me seeing where I've abused her, and where I've abused and compromised our relationship, and thus to resent, or to blame, is in fact only an excuse to not face myself within the acceptance and allowance of old patterns manifesting, and that her expression, is the result of what I'm accepting and allowing to occur between us, and is in fact a manifestation of what's inside of me, and is me.
When and as I see myself judging my partners expression, as if she's doing it for no reason, or just to hurt me, within the fact that I am blaming her and self sabotaging myself to not face my reactions and consequences to why she is expressing herself that way, I stop, I breath, and I understand that I am in fact what she's expressing, that me reacting and feeling what she is feeling, is in fact a result of what I've accepted and allowed to participate, and create. Thus within this, I see and realize that I cannot blame my partner for how she expresses herself, nor control it, and that I can only see within myself where I am reacting, and where my points relate to the reason of her expressing herself a certain way.
When and as I see myself judging my partner as "not supportive", out of the point of me actually wanting to impress her as how I'm supposedly "more supportive" within the fact that I'm too shit scared of actually being supportive for myself, within facing my shit, and the real abuse I've accepted and allowed, I stop, I breath, and I reflect back on how I've accepted and allowed myself to try to impress everyone, how I've made myself out to be in supporting others, when I never even gave myself the chance to be IN FACT supportive for myself. Within this, I see and realize that I am not ready to support others to the extent of giving them advice, and must utilize how I can stay quiet and simply talk, and walk with my partner, without trying to give her advice, or force support of advice on her, to where I make certain that I am supporting myself first, and initially.
When and as I see myself just self sabotaging myself with sharing my points with others, and expect sting others to know about my process, and not actually write it out for myself to see, and then actually face the point head on, and then apply principles of what's best for all life/what's most supportive for myself, and living that out, and then blaming others for when the confront me about it, such as confronting me about me making excuses to not take self responsibility, I stop, I breath, and I thus commit myself to stopping the point of sharing freely my points, and to for now keep them to myself, and actually use this point of keeping it to myself, to not further accumulate new patterns, but to actually use it, in order to apply principles, and face myself. Within this, I understand that keeping my points to myself, means that I will not share points when I just feel like freely sharing them, for the fact that this point of self abdication is so deep rooted, and thus automatic, and must be taken precaution to not freely share points, and as stated, to only share them with my buddy and the forum ONCE investigated, and only if needed help with facing the point in a practical way, and a more effective way, or if it's vital to talk to the forum or my buddy.
I commit myself to push myself within the understanding of facing my points in the perspective that it's vital as fuck that they are eradicated, because they are abusive, they can create consequences that I do not want to create, and that I am potentially facing hard, and deep rooted points that require attending consistently, intensely, and with integrity, in order to get myself out of my own accepted and allowed limited, consequential shit hole of a mess.
I commit myself to first and foremost, make sure I push myself through every sf statement and every SCS, and then sharing it with my buddy or the forum, to make sure that when I face a point, that the buddy or forum requires assisting me with, then they will be there to support me to push within the right understanding of what I missed before, and to have the valid perspective, in order to face the nitty griddy shit, and to get through it for real.
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