Day 35 - utilizing myself within co existence to desteni

Firstly - I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to masturbate as a way to escape from this point.

I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to create sexual imagery within my mind to fall into masturbation.

I'm commited to continue with this point, and afterwards utilize my relationship with masturbation in regards to this point.

So, the point It seems I have within co existence to desteni, is that I expect myself to hold a specific position within the group. I create the point of expecting others in the goup to acknowledge my pointss throu the likes on fb. I will become defensive with those who attack desteni, and who attack my process in regards to desteni. I will go into self sabotage when others continue sly tell me that I'm in a cult, that I'm in a religion.

I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to make my process as a personal expectation.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make my process as a point of wanting to gain something out of it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor expect the self interest of gaining acknowledgment for my process from the other members.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being punished for not following my process within desteni.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have misinterpreted deliberately as being punished in certain circumstances when I was being supported by the other members in a situation and time frame of beng irresponsible.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor word out what I will do, as a reaction of hop g that I will not be punished, for instance - I will make another blog, I will do this art this blog, I will now go do this, I will now go do that, etc. thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself in relationship to the other group members.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor rush my process as if " ok ok I have to d this now I have to do this and now I have to do this, because if I don't x and y will punish me for not doing it", and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to self sabotage myself, and then relate my own fear of my own expression, to when someone is telling me that I am being irresponsible.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor catagorize what I've done irresponsibly, in order to make the excuse not to stand up within the points or irresponsibility.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take it at a timely pace, in fear of 'ok I can't face consequences because if I do ill act abusive and then Ill be punished for it", therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to stand up for what is best for me, to not get punished within my process, to make a mask over myself as a way to protect myself from being blamed, from being called an asshole, from being attacked.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus create diversity within my relationship with desteni.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use desteni as a form of hiding frm the world.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not understand that this is a contradiction to what the 'group' stands for, which is that one must co exist wi reality, the physical, in order to direct oneself as physical, which therefori forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not co exist wi the material in order to see what's practically true or not, but to instead use it and manipulate it within my mind to try to take control of others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor not realize, that religion, beliefs, all these things come frm the point of fear, and that all ideas that come from fear can sound intricate and have allot of explanation, but it will always has manifested fom a point of one trying to control others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor try to control others within my process from fearing being able to control what I've accepted and allowed as fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor try to keep my points of self interest and keep the points of abusive relationships between myself and others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor try to keep my male power.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to verify all the points of praise that have happened in the past, and that ive accepted an allowed to embrace as me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to keep my relationships with females valid, which is where I want to look attractive to females, where I want them to merely acknowledge something about me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to keep this alive win myself currently, and thus i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not transcend from this point of sex.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect the image and likeness of myself within co existence with desteni, that is influenced by my allowed relationship with sex.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify transcending frm this point, by telling myself that I'm special and deserve to be treated 'more lightly' from what I've accepted and allowed because I somehow have a reason for beng able to keep my selfInterest relationships.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor use this as a defense mechanism to the excuse of self sabotage from the times I had deliberately misinterpreted support with punishment, which I thus forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have tried to validate y self interest relationships through self sabotage at the time I was being supported, and therefori forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to justify my abuse with having accepted myself to be sabotaged at apwhats ever point in my life, and then telling myself its ok to keep abusing, because I'm more special.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus limit my expression within desteni and my stance as a being because I've accepted and allowed myself to try to continue sly verify my relationship to self interest through self sabotaging myself within the group, and victimizing myself in order to hide behind self sabotage.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create the consequence of reacting to those who counter the message, whether its a discussion, or someone attacking and posting hater videos and intending on harassing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus merely reflect what I essentially am diverse wi desteni, and then creating the urg to want to go back not my old relationships, the excuses etc. and then react to those who counter through fighting this urg with the self sabotage, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate the point of wanting t keep my power, and comparing it to fearing what others think of me for expressing myself as life, simply because I fear expressing myself as life t begin with, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse to not stand actually in co existence to what's valid, to what's co existent to my being, simply because I can't even be self honest with the actual being I am.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not transcend my relationships to take on expressing myself self honestly through writing out self forgiveness. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to exist as a mind instead of a ohysical being, and then inevitably going through all of these defense mechanisms to verify my relationships currently to others who still participate in the mind. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not utilize my physical relationuships to make this point smoother on my being. I therefor forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to just wait untill I accumulate inconvenience within my process, and then go make the excuse that I can go play guitar, or go on the interned, and then when I quickly find the dishonesty within this, I want to go and masturbate, which can really throw off direction through physical self, since it verifies the mind t its highest form. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge others outside of desteni, as if they are bad, and I am good. I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the fact that there's abuse in this world, is because we all have abused, and justified, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a reflection of fearing changing myself, onto others as if they are to blame for what I'm experiencing, and then blaming them for not being apart of desteni, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the belief, that those who are not apart of desteni are bad, and then when others tell me its a religious cult, I go in defense to protect this fear/beLIEfe. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that all forms of religion, are but ways to make abusing this world pretty, because religion is a way to keep feeding the fear in ourselves, in order not to be self honest with who we are - life. I forgive myself that ve accepted and allowed myself to therefor create the assumption that what is best for all life is a belief, to more of the extent of real, but simply influencing what is real with what I fear changing, and then blaming others for not understanding what I understand with what I've walked through I thin desteni. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself not to want to therefor utilize the points that are religious within myself, in order to in fact stand up as life, and therefor the fact that I've been given the ability as life to take responsibility for the other life forms on this earth, but have denied my responsibility through survival, and the fact that other animals have to survive in this world. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want t rush to assumptions about life, which I therefor forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not 'want' to utilize a further point of dishonesty I thin myself that is attached to this. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus be lazy and not want to utilize these points to the point of stability. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus simply want to go back to the quick fixes, and to the points where I can make excuses not to write out the fears that occur from the points of self interest. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed to therefor try to keep a precnvenience of reals within stating my self forgiveness. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not transcend from the point of trying to have my power within my relationship to desteni. I forgive myself that ve accepted and allowed myself to this keep my purpose fulfilled. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor catagorize when I can take self responsibility, and when I don't 'have to' take self responsibility. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor not 'want' t completely utilize the points of dishonesty, before I set out to make a schedule that ill stop the relationships that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to acknowledge my point within my process in order to keep myself from fully confronting the points that I've accepted and allowed within myself. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse that it is to boring to write 'after a while' and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create what's convenient over what's best for all life. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not fully utilize myself, and understand that I'm stable, and know that im stable when I'm writing. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to continue to judge my writing as an illusion as if someone is watching me write this. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor rush myself I thin my writing to somehow "hurry up and get this posted" as this sense of accomplishment. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to then go into thinking that I'm better than the other,embers with my process, as this point of trying to keep my control, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to potentially abuse others simply because I can't stand up in fact for what's best for all life. Im commited to walk this point in relation to the pre convenient activities and thoughts I participate in through following the schedule I had made strictly for 2 weeks. I'm commited to stop the participation with sex in relationship with females, music, driving, exercising, etc., and A commited to utilize these points. I'm commited to stop the point of wanting to keep my image of power within my mind, and thus I'm commited to stop trying to keep myself in a sort of special position within my process. I am commited to breath in the moments of dishonesty, and walk through the tough points, and therefor in fact be ale to utilize the points that I've accepted and allowed within myself. I'm commited to therefor stop the participation within my diversity to desteni. I'm commited to sop the participation with gaining attention for what I'm doing. I'm commited to stop abusing my physical body through stressing myself out frm limiting myself from physical expression. I'm commited to stop myself from separating myself from others in relation to being unaware, or 'outside' of the desteni group, and thus I'm commited to not react in fear when who ever happens to counter me with what I say that is n regards to what is best for life, and not self interest, which thus I'm commited to walk through all points of my own self interest resistance. I'm commited to therefor take these points at a practical pace, and correct the pace I'm at currently over time through the schedule I've made for myself, and utilize the flawes within the schedule, and possibly having a schedule to begin with. I'm commited to actually write with meaning, and not categorize writing with time. I'm commited to therefor unlock the points that relate to this limitation within my relation with writing self forgiveness, and my diversity within desteni. When I find myself reacting to these things in fear, and the accumulation to masturbation, I breath, and I bring it back to self, I bring it back to the fact that the beliefs that I'm accumulating in my head are all simply fear that are protecting my position of power, my position of abuse, and therefor is merely but exposing this within myself. When I find myself trying to protect that point, I breath, and I slow myself down in my mind, and I focus on what I practically need to be doing within the current moment. When I find myself make excuses that others around me are stressing my out, I breath,I slow myself down, and I USB myself to focus on the task at hand, and then when I decieve the oppurtunity, I walk to an isolated area, and do 4 count breaths, and investigate why I accumulated to that point of becoming overwhelmed. I'm commited to not categorize the points that I confront as a way to protect myself from facing tougher situations, and therefor when I find myself rushing to stop writting, I breath, and I understand that what is relavent is what I'm writing. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor do that within this spblog currently, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to catagorize self commitment statements, from the memory of seeng these statements mostly her the 'end' of ones blog. I. Commited to utilize the point of laziness, and to not create voids of trying to get attention when I know I have not fully applied myself. I'm commited to slow myself down now, focusing on my breath through the rest of the night, and focusing on my schedule for tomorrow.