Day 35 - fearing losing direction, and thus myself. How this effects my expression.

So I had just currently experienced an accumulation of fear.

I had thought to send two friends I had met with yesterday one of Bernard's videos, and the forum for them to check out. Clearly there was a dishonest point within this, since now I'm experiencing much fear after a discussion with one of the friends, which the other had posted on my timeline and I had requested for I'm to visit the forum.

So, the discussion was actually smooth, and stable. But of course, the moment I saw "is this a cult", I lightly reacted, and gave a simple explanation, and further suggested to visit the forums. Though, e moment I realized that I reacted to this friend due to not agreeing with the message, I had reacted in fear, so therefor the starting point of even doing any of this was to try to convince, and not to support.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create voids of trying to get others to notice the group, to an extent of this being a void from have continueing my next blog.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have done this in the fear of being able to express myself within my next writting, and therefor had to seek approval and attention from others to supress both points.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have acted in trying to convince others to join the group, instead of supporting others outside of the group. I'm commited to not send out links anymore untill I can handle more so rationally with counter reactions from others, and also say something or send something understand and being self honest with taking those actions.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accumulate myself to the point of trying to convince myself after we had finished our discussion, with going and looking at the forums to see if is friend had taken the time to post something.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to hide from my dishonesty after accumulating so much mind energy, and erector I forgive myself for not accepting andalwing myself to understand, that I cannot keep suppressing what I've accepted and allowed, and that I require to take self responsibile for myself as life first, regardless how intense I experience the fear from the ind.

I forgive myself thati e accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others, in fear of me not being able to understand me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate the rest of the world to me, as if someone else tells me that what I'm doing is some religious cultish thing, I go into "maybe I am apart of a religious cult". Therefor, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not investigate this point, but instead accumulate a point of trying t protect self interest that is in relationship with desteni.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not slow myself down at the moment to breath, but to instead try to run off to self interest or masturbation or guitar to ease the discomfort.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create a potential of abusing others frm running to these points.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the moment I try to verify a point of diversity within myself, I will accumulate actions of diversity, where I will judge others, where I will innevitably hold back expression and then try to create all sorts of voids through other beings.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not stand for what's best for all life, regardless of whether the whole world disagrees and or attacks me for it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus try to gain this image and receive attention for what I'm doing, as a way to prevent myself from standing alone for what's best for all, and instead using my process as a point to still want my power, my self interest, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to still want to have power over others, and therefor continue abusing others, just because I can't get off my ass to face the shit I need to face.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor want to run to masturbation when I realize that I'm bullshiting myself, and so to fulfill my lazyness, I just wip out my dick and cum and feel like shit and then go for like a week or 2 mappconfinuesky masturbating and having all these sorts of emotions and then eventually start crying.

I forgive myself at I've accepted and allowed myself to fear this occurring, and therefor I forgive myself for accepting andallowing myself to self sabotage myself from what I've accepted and allowed  in the past, in order to make an excuse to accumulate abuse here, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest with the fact that I am responsible for me, and that I am the only one who will wip my dick out, who will grab my dick, who will keep going to the point of ejaculation, it is all me moving, no ones putting a fuckig gun to my head.

I'm commited to therefor utilize the points of fears in part 3, and before this next blog, go walk outside and stabilize myself within my breath.