Day 94 - Wanting to masturbate to verify entertainment, pictures, postponing self responsibility through entertainment, self interest

Wanting to masturbate to verify entertainment, pictures, postponing self responsibility through entertainment, self interest:

So I've been through a semi point again within entertainment, it isn't as heavy tonight after work it seems, but of course I did have an easier night at work, so I won't judge this or catagorizee as if it's better or still the same extent I have been doing recently.

Now what happens when I do decide to write, or I do decide that I'm going to stand within my points, is that I will start taking self responsibility like getting ready for bed, but then I create this idea that there's something I need to experience before I go to sleep, and what long lasting distraction experience than to go on the internet. Now eventually when I tell myself I need to stop, like I literally turn everything off, or I'm about to, I then get the sensation to masturbate, which is like my mind saying 'oh no, no more internet, we'll now I need something else to please me', and it seems that even if I don't do it necessarily that night, we'll. the next night if I don't breath and really start directing myself here, and come home and eventually hit up the internet, we'll, it'll only show up more sudden and more intense, and if not then until the next night, and eventually until I have accepted and allowed misdirection to the point of just saying fuck it and watching porn or playing one in my head and getting a quick fix, and then I decide that since I got my fix, I will walk again.

So, I fear losing something that protects me from facing fears, from facing insecurities, from facing demons, from facing self interest that needs to stop, and I've tried driving myself as self interest within process, and have unlocked so much of this relationship with process, that it's quite exposed, and I've accepted and allowed myself to try to protect it through apathy, throuh just wanting my mind to dictate, to not direct myself, to not physically move within anything, and eventually when shits in front of me that I know I can change then, I just go and masturbate.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to go masturbate to try verifying my self interest patterns that I've acted upon for an extensive time, and in multiple personalities of these self interests.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear losing these personalities as to fear losing my way of remaining stable around my environment, and simply to feel comfortable, to want the illusion of myself to remain.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not will myself to stand up for life in these moments where I can change, but instead verify my self definition of myself through masturbation, and through the accumulated distractions that time loop these self definitions.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus pretend to act like what I'm doing is normal, and that I've been normal/life, not seeing realizing and understanding, that I'm merely creating characters of normal within myself to justify the abnormal acts and intent within myself, and that it isn't normal to force feed myself YouTube videos and any link I can use to distract myself from actually living and breathing for a change, and thus changing myself within and as life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow feelings of negative determine where I will next direct myself, which is to the positive, to the computer when I build up negative backchat at work, or where I will play my guitar to suppress negative back chat that I'm not a good enough guitar player, or just to distract myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to ultimately use masturbation as this gadget of the conscious mind technology system, and like a consumer I'm playing with myself, I'm fucking with myself by fucking buying out life with shit I don't need/don't need to be handeling with, like, I don't need to be handeling with my dick just because I couldn't decide to have some fucking courage to just step out of my comfort zone to actually make this world a place that can be in fact comfortable and welcoming for everyone equally.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus fear of losing what is comfortable: people, sex, games, internet, music, movies, bed, food, not seeing realizing and understanding, that I'm I fact deliberately harming others in this world just so I can have a secrete place to hide all of my shit to feel better than those I'm deliberately harming through indirect care and work to assure that everyone on this planet is comfortably taken care of.

When and and as I see myself wanting to verify such personality points within myself within this accumulation of trying to protect myself from facing a point within myself deliberately and knowingly, I stop I breath, and I drop the distractions, I drop thes pushing in front of me, I literally stop and breath in 4 counts, until I'm here to write, and I write the point out where and why I had fallen, or can really push through spoken statements to myself when like at work.

When and as I see myself creating excuses and justifications that what I'm doing in my mind 'is making me happy' ' is normal because this character and that character would say it is normal', I stop, I breath, and I understand to ground myself here as myself as life,and then really see the abuse and abnormal manifestations that I'm accepting and allowing within myself through distractions and through compulsion.

When and as I see myself wanting to go create distractions through consumerism, through games and music and movies and internet, I stop, I breath, and ifunderstand the foundation of who I am through working with what is here, and actually walk myself in and as breath and self responsibility to in fact value what's here, and not create a void of buying out something and pretending its value merely to suppress my lack of willingness to put forth effort of real value and real effectiveness in this world.

I comit myself to breath through these conmfirt points of isolation, and to start walking through these escapists, understanding within each word I write, each breath I take as assistance, that it is for this world and for me as this world, and that escaping me/this world, is only escaping what I have created, abuse, starvation, trauma of the earth, and it's beings, and that I require working to fix it, to expose myself to help myself become adequate to fix it without accepting harm any longer,a nod apathy that there's children that suffer far beyond my bullshit, and that people starve and die daily, and extremities happening daily, and people being traumatized by them, or traumatized while dieing to these manifested points of humans nature, and animals as well.
I commit myself to let go of these points within myself, and to start moving.