Day 51 - fear being alone in this world in all ways - deluding myself through attention desire

So in the past weeks I have been gradually coming to this point, and it seems I keep telling myself this as f to cover up the reality that I'm still much trapped in many dimensions within is delusion, as if to keep myself in this delusion. So the next point that triggered this for me, is music. I remember actually having a reaction from a kid who was riding down my alley - while i was dumping trash - on a bike and he said something and I thought it was towards me so I said what's up to him. I didn't see the boy behin him which he was talking to, and he simply old me he was talking to him while passing by. Immediately I had e reaction as if my dad was yelling at me for making a mistake, simply a calm respond from the kid and this comes up. So I was about to clean sme more in my house, but this led me to just blowing off existing and sweeping for tomorrow, which I made this as an excuse, and then went to playing guitar. Now I've set up a nice schedule for when I play guitar, which I was supossed to clean the house first though,minutes I just went with what I made more convenient. So anyways I started finishing up learnig a song, but within this I slowly noticed that there was alittle of this point of wanting this audience,more tending there is an audience, just having to drive myself with energy when playing music. So after I was done, I was going to write, but then of course I went on the Internet instead as a void from doing so, then I went and looked at more guitars, videos, anything to stay mind busy. I eventually came to the point of self interest point, where I tried to verify this point of self interest, of money frm making music, of fame, all the fantasies.

So this is clearly a point of trying to have others verify my expression for my, in fear of being humiliated, in fear of having this somehow taken away from me, where I have to gain attractiveness from females, be complimented and praised for my shit.

I've noticed that what goes around comes around, as in, all my relationships will cycle with my preprogrammed patterns, all equally limiting, but just some fit the convenience and other parts don't. Like writting, writing does not fit the convenient point, because I'm facing myself to stop convenience, to stop self interest and supression. So, how does my very aloneness come into this, well, my writing process, playing music, eating, exercising, shiting, dieing, everything happens alone, but regardless of how I've proved this to myself through what I've changed in myself, it seems that I keep wanting to hold on to my relationship with these things, but these things aren't real, the relationships I mean, because, after all, they are depictions of my imagination, the image - mi - nation, its the image of my nation, nationalism, my culture, my family, its all brought down to the nation, which, like, fearing losing these relationships, is like when I was a child and I would be shared shitless if I got lost in a store, like really, I would think that I was about to die if I didn't find my mom, because I everyone was a stranger my parents told me, I had no education what to do, but the result was just fear of losing my parents, completely irrational, because why, I was preprogrammed to be dependent on the relationship that they conditioned my with.

My mom: with my mom, she would be constantly around, constantly video taping me, constantly holding me, constantly babying me, just doing everything to my convenience at least 95% of the time.

My dad: my dad would 75% of the time be yelling at me, hitting me, telling me I can't do anything, getting mad at me for making mistakes, griping my neck and forcing me around when I was with him at the groceries store because I was super active as a child. So, what did I do, I ran straight to mom and stayed around her away from dad as much as possible, so I would always run away from dad to stay around mom. When they got divorced, I think this is when I really got influenced by this, and once I started growing onto this cognitive resonance as I was growing up, because of how fucked up shit was with my parents, and my relationship to them. When I started getting older, I had more f the independent choice to stay with my mom, so anytime I was asked to go over there at my dads, I would immediately say no. In fact, there was a 3 year process where I just couldn't wait till I was 13 to be able to choose to live with my mom permanently under my own free will.

It seemed that I lacked the necessary education therefor from my mom, of how to be considerate, common sense, because I was so fucking concerned on the convenient escape from my father, the stress, the physical reality of the situation between my father, and I didn't know how to deal with it but resent my mom for not have done anything to stop his bullshit constant aggression towards every expressive move I made it seemed around him. Like I essentially knew all the convenience and the different polarities growing up were fucked up, but I just didn't know how to match everything together with just having these patterns control me so much, its why I hated school, because I was so focused on how to move as an expression win this pattern as these two completely opposite polarities and felt limited as fuck to express myself that I would either be abusive and justify with the fact that it was my expression, or I might of had the oppurtunity of a self honest expression and the pattern took over with needing attention for my expression.

So, basically I really require my dads approval, I require the males not tell me I'm shit at guitar, and the females to like comfort me with praises.

I remember when I lovd dancing. I remember a point where I had a recitle, and I had fun, just danced and then went to get something to eat, and my mm just was on my ass about how much she loved me and how much I was good and everyone who thought the same and just this constant bragging towards me in my ear untill I have into it, and then it seemed the more I payed attention t that the less effective I became, especially once I started junior high school.

So, I'm stuck here untill I face these dimensions of my parents, the 7 year process, everything that I've lived off of throughout my existence as the image and likeness of my nation, my parents, my imagination, and the hardest thing for me to face is being alone without the protection of this illusion of who my parents are, and I will make all excuses in relation t the patterns of my parents, and I will procrastinate with the patterns from k parents, and I will abuse and will not care for the patterns of my parents. I have the tools, and I'm not willing to in fact use them as me because of the patterns of my parents. Like, I have a pare of personalities that I've rented until my death, like, who I was before my biological mom and dad fucked and before that I was this here, just not this form, and in this forgive rented a pare of illusions to abuse my form and then ill fucking die and have left the consequences for other forms and then this form will just form into other shit and feed the earth, and then maybe nuclear war will happen during my life or after and then the earth will lose its current form and die into something else after the extensive abusen the life on it experienced as their forms, and Im making that consequence irrelavent from me only to make what's really irrelavent relavent to escape as the pare of rented illusions.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to require others to give me attention in order to supress the fear of them humiliating me or attacking me.

I forgive myself that ive accepted andallowedmyself to deminish my communication with others that I know could be intamite with the patterns of fearing ring attacked for expressing myself.

use I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed,yield to resent males around me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself t want to hurt males around me for attacking me in the reflection of how my father attacked me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I a, my fathers design, I rented his design and expression along with ,y moms.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want t have this deep connection with everyone t somehow prove to them that I'm friendly and wnt hurt them, when my very intent is to control them to supress the fear of them controlling me.


I forgive myself that ve accepted and allowed myself to verify this by going on Facebook and taking advantage of my process through trying to make this false image that I care about others deeply when I only intend on controlling them as this cnvenience I received from my moms side to supress the reality of me wanting to control others from my fathers side. I forgive myself that've accepted and allowed myself to resist further writing in fear of facing all directions of dishonesty and facing my physical relationships equally with my dishonesty. I forgive myself that I've thus accepted and allowed myself to try to verify isolation and delusion to supress from what I fear expressing myself within in fear of being attacked for whatif doing. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse that because others have this aspect that must mean that I can't change myself as what I've accepted and allowed to be means this designof a false face, of something I'm not and pretend to be to protectmyselfnasan Mage in fearnofnothersnattacking me, in fear of the system. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to stop this equal suffering for others, I require using what I've learned from this experience with desteni as they have walked throu to help me, like bernard walked through completely alone without help to help potentially billions of people, that I require walking through my hardships, my fears, my suffering even physically which I wouldn't doubt could very well be the reality in the future, maybe even near future. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not walk through my inconsiderate nature as energy and ego to understand what it means to actually care, to actually thus care for myself. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to paint myself wi pretty pictures of looks as a resemblance of how I care, when in fact I use this as a way to only protect my survival in a using others, in abusing women specifically, to control them to like me and trust me so I can verify this image and likeness of abuse. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuses that because no body else cares about whatif doing,that that must mean I should stop because I'm not getting approvals thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only make a further excuse, which within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the mind will excuse itself to stay alive in all ways, like walking by a person, you bump int the person and have the friction, butmjustmexcuse them, like thoughts bump into eachother naturally and excuse eachother to keep walking and accumulating more thoughts. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus be driven to write out my accepted and allowed nature from the driving point of having others try t verify my nature of my preprograming, us I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have looked as others and everything else but me as too big for me, like I can't do anything, I'm powerless, my dad said so, and my mom verified it through being passive and with love and light, and look what that fucking does. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to cry to realese the abusen feel from my father, to get depressed and to get the mother soothing supression deception that 'everything's ok, he just slammed you against the stair case while picking you up from your hair, but everything's ok, just suck my fucking tit. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed this completely unhealthy behavior within myself, and have allowed myself to continue trying t keep myself fucked in this point of just being conditioned to what's convenient, and just having the moment of good feeling and then going to the point of fear to go to the point of love and so on. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think I'm not good enough to walk my process, that the other destonians are better than me and that I am worthless, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not walk through this pattern of that I'm not good enough and am just weak and that there is nothing I can d to change myself but just wallow in self pity from the fear, instead of facing the fear, like, not allowing myself to be effected by resistance through walking through what relates to those patterns. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the belief tht I'm strong, this idea from movie pictures of lifting up and thus I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself t want to defeat my fears instead walk through them, thus I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to walk through the resentment of my father, or my mom, I'm commited to continue following the schedule I made and to not fall back into mind wants and resistance. I'm commited to stop the resentment of others as if they are the cause for my suffering, when I'm only experiencing and intense reflection of my father and mother towards others. I'm commited to stop dwelling on my fathers shit only to keep myself stressing with my mothers supression of my fathers shit. I'm commited to stop wanting to cry and have nervous breakdowns to supress the fear and t keep myself comfortable in my own shit. I'm commited to stop being enslaved and feeling good about being enslavedbecauseive accepted and allowed myself to stroke my dick with others in the system who've yet to walk the processin merely privileged to discovermt be walking to help the less fortunate. I'm commited to walk through the point of what it means to actually walk through the mind, to go beyond limits of the mind regardless. I'm commited to understand the ent some sudden breakthrough, but a step by set process, because things take time to develop in the physical, and thus im commited to learn how to take it easy in the physical participation of work, music, exercise, writing, cleaning house, organizing things, but not being easy for my mind. I'm commited to thus write out for 10 minutes after each participation, and at the end of the day write my blog, and discover how I relate to these physical points. I'm commited to start thus considering the physical, and not diverging it to get some mind high to please my old patterns, but actually changing these points to change myself to equalize myself and thus change his world for what's best for all. When I find myself in heavy resistance, emotional,n raving for attention, craving for sex, my mother figure from the father, the stress, I will slow down with whati am participating here physically, and walk through to start investigating how I operate physically be comparing one point to what I experienced my father in relation to the though, and then go to how I supress this fear with the mother, and then forgive myself once I've actually slowed down, and become more stable. When I find myself become way overwhelmed and just not stopping in my mind, and just overwhelmed with everything. I will breath, I will relate this to how I've perceived myself as powerless due to my father attacking me for so much of my expression, and then seeing how I make excuses to supress this through the mother figure to just not walk through the fear I experience from my father. I'm commited to focus on what ive set for myself here, and to not fall off into some other points to protect myself from somehow failing, and us I commited to slow myself down with creating this as convenient. I'm commited to walk through how I make physical effectiveness into this acknowledgment point of being confident within a self interest point, and how this relates to my fear of punishment for expression from my childhood throughout school, and my parents. I'm commited to wak through to becoming therefor effective wi my commitments and actually considerate and not driftmoffminto my mind where I only try to protect this little bit of convenience. Therefor, I'm commited to go to bed, listen to some music, and sleep and slow down here.