Day 44 - categorizing my relationships, thus fear of being categorized

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to catagorize my relationships. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus create the point of self interest within my relationship to my process, to my music, I listening t music, to masturbstion, to falling, to working, to excersising, to health, to the way I look, to thus vis versa towards judging others. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor deliberately create self blame towards myself when I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in potential abuse within my mind, and thus participate in self interest. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create the point of expecting myself to get to a point at some sort of expected time period, to please my self interest within universally categorizing myself within relationship to my process, and everything else. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor catagorize the 'tough' points from the 'easy' points, and create a way therefor of protection to myself thin walking through those points, where I wil protect myself from being punished for participating in the point,or for being praised within walking through the points, and somehow being caught for what I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create therefor the sense of fearing actually having to walk alone wiout consent or without outside verification. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor try to change the outside first before change the inside of myself. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear walking my process and finding out who I really am as a being within this world.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to sugar coat this process with light and love within. Physical relationships, as if I'm changing the relationships and changing this and changing that, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor only intend on controlling these relationships to the utmost without looking at myself first.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not therefor walk through the relationships directly looking at myself to sactually start potentially changing the relationships inevitably.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to this create this want of attention to keep ,yield trapped in the old relationships, which once I realizeim participating this way, I want to go and masturbateto verify the excuses, to verify the judgment, the blame, the general abusetha I continue to accept and allow with just not writing myself out as completely directed towards myself for why my current relationships are the way they are.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to continue the convenience when I face these points of abuse, because I want to feel convenient about control other people, about creating the idea that I am winning and they are suffering, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use my process to take control over other people, to wish them to suffer so I can abuse my own relationship to my process to continue trying to create slaves over other people.

I forgive myself tha I've accepted and allowed myself to catagorize this point as I'm guilty of something, not seeing and realizing that this is exactly what takes me to the point of going back to making the excuse that e cause others participate, it gives me a reason to want to control the,, it gives me a reason to keep abusing them and try to find some way to beat the system and gain money and power, thus i forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to want to have this ultimate energetic experience that I didn't experience before desteni, because I tried looking for answers for so long and was so depressed and suicidal because I couldn't figure out why or what was so fucked up, and I felt s repercussive to express myself to tell everyone what I was experiencing, because I couldn't understand what I felt so bad about.

This point seemed to happen when I was 13. It was when my friend gave me some weed. It seemed that weed has possibly changed my entire reality and life even. It seems that once I smoked the weed, I became more and more aware of what I used as my preprograming, that I became more and more wanting of this, and then came the point when I knew it was all a lie, because everyone exposed myself of being an asshole, which was in regards to me trying to take control of others.

There was a point in my life in school, wherei looked at the buff coach, the taller kids, and made this decision, that I was going to get strong, and muscular, and beat these people. Of course, since I was so influenced by self interest being this good thing, I acted on this choice to live as this choice, like to be this thing, this muscular character, and that would be me.

I remember when I was 5 years old, I used to workout even then, and kept asking my dad "hey look dad, aren't my arms getting bigger" and he would just give hardly any notice, and then I just wanted to quite, and so I stopped doing it.

Ere was a point in school, where this specific friend, would sing, and then I started to sing, and then I noticed that once people were praising him more than me, I quite singing, I resented this friend. I toiled that once. Grew older, this friend started bullying me, but I mean really he would tell everyone to not talk to me, everyone agreed to not talk to me, I met him back in junior high, I nearly ended up fighting him for the harassment, but why was I recieving this treatment, was it because I was a bully to him, was I exploiting myself and eventually end up exploiting him, being jealous.

So then comes the point of guitar, when this specific friend was you to ding at the school talent show, I wanted to best him, now, everything I acted upon, I lied to myself for participating in these things for this reason.

Anyways, I decided that I was going to start playing guitar, but it was only 2 days before, and. Didn't have a guitar, I was too scared to ask my mom for one. Eventually though I picked up guitar.

Ok, so once I picked up guitar, I did the same pattern. I would play, enjoy playing, but then immediately have to show others, I would have to show my mom, I would have to show my sister, and then once they approved, I felt liked, and so I continued. En I had a girl friend for a very short time, and she said 'oh I love you playing guitar. Now, why did she do this, because it seems that when I'm specifically around this girl, she seriously goes into this emotional trance of love and light when I play guitar. Like I could just strum a fucking note for an hour and she would probably still enjoy that.

Did I lure her into my exploitation, and is this why our relationship and our multiple trials of being together fail so quickly. She told me that I was an asshole once, like she pointed out that I was inconsiderate but it was a suprise to me.

Anyways, I will continue focusing on the guitar relationship first.

So it seems that every single time I play guitar, I really fucking expect other people to give me attention, like really admire me for my music, and I know this is bullshit, but its Ike I really just feel like I should receive this attention, or else I can't play my music,I can't compose, I can't learn anything, unless I get this fix of others approving me.

So, now to the image of my physical appearance. Every time I wake up, ever e I'm eating, every time I go out, I expect myself to have this sort of image, or else I can't function, I can't be stable, like I really need myself to look a certain way, or else I'd probably kill myself, well, it wasnt to long ago before I utilized an extent of this point that I would probably commit suicided or just not be clearin my head unless I looked a certain way.

So this really seems to fit how I function within my relationship with my body, and relation with my music, and therefor both of these coincide with my attitude towards people, because these two things are such a dependent thing I hold, and also is how I relate myself to females, which is why I get so nervous around females when I'm playing guitar, I get so nervous and so insecure if I have my shirt off in front of a female, and feel intimidated by males, with either or. Thus, within my process, when I realize a point of dishonesty, I will hide through my music, and I will go and watch all sorts of music videos, and try to listen to all this music as a way that somehow, these songs will allow me to express myself, that I can create a reflection of what I'm limited within myself, when essentially I wnt create it, its a slim to none chance if I can't even be honest win my relationship and be completely aware that I've been dishonest as a being since the first day I had fear.


O how this really coincides with continueing my process, is that I keep these two points as a backup when I begin being self honest, I run to these points t verify the self interest, I run to music,Iran t looking a certain way, but I mean, these were two seriously intense points when I was even younger than 5. I like had a fantasy when I was 3 that I was going t play football and my dad would be proud of me for doing that, or I could beat the other kids in it. It seems music didn't come into the picture till I was about 8, at least when I wanted a guitar then, but once I got it I quickly quite the guitar and my mm put me in dance. It seemed that dancing was such a fascinating point, because when I went int dancing, I was completely surrounded by females. When I was dancing, I don't remember competent with the females, because I was the only fucking,ale in the entire studio, which had a few hindered people attending. I mean, I seriously cannot remember competing, and I loved every moment of it, yet there was still this background point of might fail, but it seems because I was surrounded by girls completelym I didn't have the male pressure to compete. I will make a part three tomorrow and utilize myself within my journal further before moving n, since I'm faced at a confusing point.