Day 53 - fear of death, the ultimate void. And general lazyness

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to cover up the fact that I'm going to die at any moment of breath throu conveying images of myself, conveying this superior idea of myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to cover up the true suffering I accept and allow within myself through positivity, which is ultimately founded by the fear of death.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate world events of war to nuclear war as who I am, as ifi must protect myself within my family, my culture, and all aspects of that why I grew up in, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to protect simply memories, just conciousness and us fear death, the ultimate inferior state the ego experiences.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate my self responsibility through trying to convince myself that because I have done this extended amount of responsibility, then I some how have the excuse to save sme convenience to hide in.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have been thus only making it harder for myself to walk my process through procrastination and then once I get emotionally driven and feel this sort of insanity I end u self sabotaging myself to feel better in my mind.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear what will happen and what I will go through ifi give up self interest in all directions, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself as life and breath through my journey to deminish and eventually completely dissipate these concious states, from the point of wanting to merely save them, and fear losing the,, and thus win this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create e fear of walking through the inconvenience, simply as an excuse to not give up the beliefs, the illusions that I've accepted and allowed myself to protect myself in this current world system.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear walking my process, to fear not having a purpose, to fear not having the illusion of superior than another.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make e excuse that others will attack me for it, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not breath, and walk through all points whether high or low, regardless of what resistance I face, what falls I make.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear losing self interest within my ohysical participations.

Guitar, music:  I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create procrastination from walking through e points of self interest within playing guitar, and thus become lazy within my schedule that I've set to play my guitar.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus catagorize guitar as something special, something more fun than any other participation, from the perspective of only wanting to control others through playing guitar to protect what I fear as a living expressions, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go onto YouTube videos to watch other artists play guitar and obsess over their music throughpositivelove and light energy.

I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to not walk through my actual life with guitar within self honesty, but instead have listened to others as a way of creating a void of my responsibility, and thus equally my expression with playing guitar, which requires responsibility to play it to beggen with, just picking one up is a responsibility, and this I forgivemyselfthat I've accepted andallowedmyself to catagorize challenges as negative or positive to protect the quick fix images that I've manipulated guitar and music in general with.

I'm commited to stop the Internet use when my schedule says not to, unless required for assignments and desteni related, and listening to music and browsing guitars simply to fulfill a high from images and sound.

I'm commited to thus push throu e inconvenience of not doing this, and writing myself out when and when I'm not playing guitar/music.

I'm commited to stop comparing myself to other musicians and people who enjoy music and playing it, only to supress the self destruction within my own relationship to music.

I'm commited to thus continue writing out my physical participation to guitar, which means following the schedule actually and not just having this tomorrow attitude all the time.

Exercising: I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have to be driven by a fantasized image to exercise.

I forgive myself that I've accepted andallowedmyself to not realize that this easily manipulated my bodies performance, and the schedule I've made to exercise to only fulfill e fantasized body.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to this just be vaguely knowledgable with what's good for my body instead of really researching and taking thati ego do some adjustments, or no adjustments if not needed, but in the sense of being self honest wi keeping it stationary as is.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate competition to being healthy, to working out, to doing vigorous cardio.

I forgive myself that I've thus not accepted and allowed myself to really enjoy working out here in the physical, instead of constantly thinking up fantasies of how my performance will make me money and give me this image.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear not being the way m body is now, or fantasies about.

I forgive myself for fearing being fat, and a little just not being as lean as I'm fortunate enough to have from genetics.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have abused my body with the notion that I don't require calorie restriction, or 8 hours of sleep all the time because 'I'm younge' and I have this body audits just who I am. Win this I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to realize that this whole body image protection is all from junior high and male adults and media, and is all nothing but what others have said, and I simply related the symbolism to myself and defined myself as that symbolism.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for excersising, for playing guitar, for wanting to play sports.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that I require just being whati fear and that I deserve not to be expressive, or enjoy my body in eating and exercising.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus relate what I enjoy to this competition drive, at somehow there always has to be this other person thereto beatin order for me to move, to enjoy myself, thus I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to be honest that I am brainwashed with definitions that aren't real, that I am brainwashed wi a hire simulation of myself to cover up my own self destruction.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus hold back to the destruction that limits other living expressions, which my point of fearing expressing myself while living is just aspects to cover up the ultimate limitation to expression in this world - death. Tus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death to protect myself under e survival of competition that causes death. I'm therefor commited to follow my schedule tomorrow, simply. I'm commited to thus write out hen I get super emotionally driven, Amanda or calm down untill I can walk throu writing more clearly. I'm commited to walk through the points of lazyness that I merely create to protect my energy selfINTEREST drive to doing things, and the excuses within it that I keep myself trapped within my mind to be lazy and un effective as a physical expression. I'm commited to thus stop creating voids through having the image of another person in my mind to impress with what I'm doing, thus I'm commited to follow my schedule to walk through the points of participating within this. I'm commited to write a blog at the end ofthe week of my limitation within my process in itself, or when in points of wanting to judge others for not walki the process I'm walking within. I'm commited to start investigating how I drive myself throu images, and how when I start becoming mind resistant, that this leads to masturbation, to verify my position win self interest and images, which porn specifically being a way to sort of like pat the lighter forms of images on the back to comfort them, like my mom holding me at night or excusing my abuse as a child, etc. I'm commited to thus investigate how I use what I enjoy within this form of sort of stroking my dick to make myself feel better from whati accept and allow as inconvenience,n which is only but a reflection of the abuse I've allowed within this world. I'm commited to now gather myself for bed, and walk through these points. I'm commited to go to the forum when/if I have a fall through masturbation or extensive procrastination, from writing or falling of the schedule in general. I'm commited to thus star walking rough the limitations from walking my journey to life, which is the ultimate responsibility of accepting my death.