Day 47 - Wanting light and love, denying the real relationship.

S in the past days, it seems I've been facing consequences of resistance, regardless if I've been writing or not. So I've been facing the point of my relationship with females, and how I've accepted and allowed myself to create this relationships of having to convey this sort of appearance to females, like this 'beautiful' appearance. Last night I had seemed to accumulate mind energy of protecting this inherently to the point of anger, I had cried and yelled twice at work, and so I had to chill out before I could be at least stable enough to work the rest of the night. S it seemed that I'm really willing to abuse others, by making others nervous through raging and crying and just being an asshole and making it more stressful than it already is working in a restaurant for the waiters and waitresses. Sfortunatelyi have not had to work today and get some rest, and so I've caught up on this point with females. Now t cut to chase, what I'm currently experiencing. It seems I'm like at this urg to just give into masturbation, but I can really see the deminsions this time. Like the ascension, the god, the controller and abuser that I want back so badly fom what I had written out before. So, to relate to last night, it seems that by each day, I keep becoming more and more nergy hungry, the more I confront this issue, and the more I have this sort of withdraw from the dose, like a heroin addict who can't have heroin and goes through all kinds of instability with his body. S I want to protect the image, the self image, the energy of having an image which moves me to doing things, instead of just moving myself physically here, but since I won't be recieving a dose of need, that is to inconvenient for me, and I just want to go the easy route in feeding into this image character towards others, towards females. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to convince myself that this mind fulfillment of light and love within females is real. I forgive myself tha I've accepted and allowedmyselfto make the excuse that because I had experienced this light and love with females before, that it must be something that exists. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the void of self expression throu light and love with females. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to tr to obtain the memory patterns of lit and Ove with females, as a at to supress the insecurity that I had experienced from females in the past. I forgive myself tha I've accepted and allowed myself to be on this brink of wanting to follow light and love, or stand up for what is best for all. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make e excuse that 'its too hard' to push throu the energy, the fear, walk throu it. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not will myself to give up my convenience, and thus I forgive myself that ve accepted and allowed myself to be willing to abuse others justnso I can get a feeling, an experience of happiness, which is infancy the very cover up for what I fear. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create self interest win my process to try to protect this light and love between myself and females with the image of this intellectual person. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor make my process this personal experience to gain control over females, and thus win the competition between the males. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor make the excuse that because others are participating win this, then that must mean that its ok if I participate in it. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not investigate my process through complete self honesty of what I use as self interest within my process. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create fantasies of where I will be in my process, and not coming back here to what's relavent, which is - "ok I experienced this reaction, now I require taking self responsibility for it and deminish it untill it is no more", and therefor wherei will no more abuseothersmin the name of mind energy. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect to move myself through the imagery of his self image in order to write,in order to work, in order to play music. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to just want to run and continue the energy the more I lose both polarities, to try to verify the mind relationships. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am abusing children this way, I'm abusing plants this way, I'm abusing animals this way, throu only wanting to indirectly participate in this world as equal to this world,, throu light and love, self interest greed, and directly effecting those around me, and compromising them from changing within my living example as proof. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to have others change e world for me. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to create this image as only a void from actually changing myself t change this world. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not actually understand that the moment I actually stand up, is the moment wherei can take action through every reaction I face, and not continue to compromise my self responsibility through trying to protect the very relationships that only limit myself as life. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest its the fact that these reactions are only preprogrammed functions to keep me enslaved within the physicals to make me a product of my environment through memories that I've accepted and allowed to define as who I am. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to y and deny the fear that is within me, to try to verify the energetic dependency of light and love. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor try to be dependent on other beings. To try to convince myself that I have to require what the normality is as who i am, and thus through life and love look at the fear that society and culture creates to keep me locked in this trap of having to gain approval of my expression, of being self honest, therefor meaning that I know I am life because ive walked throu this point and this point etc. that I've shown myself that these are lies, that ese reactions are the very cause of my self destruction, because I am only trying to survive as culture, to survive as my sister, my other, my father, my friends, I'm only trying to exist and thus survive as something I'm not, and personality based expression, from the personas that resonate into polarities. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse that simply because no one has come up with the desteni material (which maybe some e did and just didn't have popular access), that must mean that I need to continue depending on society, to continue depending on patterns, that this somehow gives me the excuse to just go and try to be these memorie patterns, which are COMPLETELY lies, because I preprogrammed them in same from the fear I observed from my parents when I had no defense system from this, and then my brain boggled up the imagery and then it deminished my relationship with my physicalselfinevitably since e only memories I had and he patterns that these memories created were of love and light to supress from the abuse, and that was the only way to defend myself, but the fact that I had to defend myself was a false hood, but obviously e fear was well resonant. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor fear being lone, to fear walking this process in fact, because I'm still trying to protect the intense fear I have in compounded memories, and only intend on protecting myself, when there is nothing t protect from to begin with, because all it is is fucking thouts, just memories that have absolutely nothing to do with my expression here,nut because I've accepted and allowed myself to be defined as these momeries, it is only natural as this design to want to verify, and thus I forgive myself that ve accepted and allowed myself t deliberately create the action of pushing through resistance, as a bad thing, when this is only infancy my design perceiving it as bad, because my mind/design sees it as a contradiction to itself. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have to go back not memories of thinking of things bernard said in viseos to push through my writting, therefori forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to idolize Bernard's, to make him greater than I am, and thus inevitably creating a void through actually walking as myself as equal life. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is how my functionality has worked with my father.where he deceived me into all of these lies, to control a woman, to punish her for asking a mistake, to abuse her because she messed up, and then implementing this int me, through saying I messed up, how dare I ese up, and then this then bring the programming "I am a mess up, thereis no way out, just protect myself from messing up" then comes the point of being stuck from changing this very fundamental notion, that I can't do anything valid, that I cannot change the abusive relationships, the very mind itself. Thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that there's something wrong with me, and then wanting to feed that pattern with protecting myself as this image, like trying to protect myself within my fathers relationship, that I did something eit, and now he will be proud of me for that. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed,used t thus create the notion that I must do this the same way with my process. I need to stay 'beautiful' physically, because others told me this in the past, to supress not being this great godly image to thus fear the bad image of messing up, or of being ugly, just flat out not wanted to be around. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to thus protect mylf within my moms resonance to me. Where she would tell me I'm adorable and cute and at I'm special for this and that, but then tempering her indirect action to stop my father from abusing me, and then just hugging me and then just going back to him as if he's doing nothing wrong, and then just being submissive to him. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame her for whyi feel this way. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be defiant of her and not listen to her, because I never was able to lookup to her for what was right or what was wrong, because my ather punished me, he hit me, he yelled at me, he dragged me holding my hair and slammed me up against the stair case, he gripped my neck and forced me around when we went groceries shopping, and my mom didn't respond, because she was submissive, of course she was the female, he was the man. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor actoutragous and think I can just be outrageous and not have consequences because my mother never stood up to my vp father for his outrage towards me. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want t cry, because the confusion I had from this, and at the same time trauma I experienced mentally from like "omg why are they doing this to me, why is my mom and dad pulling my arms and legs and stretching my body this is really fucked up and it hurts allot, but I don't know if I should be punished. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor want to be submissive t males and females and confused on how to talk to them because I don't want to be punished for saying something wrong to them, and then if I experience anything that triggers these emotional patterns, I just want to hurt them emotionally and become the center of attention for them to be submissive to me. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take a stand in changing myself to stop this from happening to other children, t stop the child abuse, to stop the world child abuse that even if their was a much healthier relationship and no physical abuseothersmin the child this world will still get to their heads, and they inevitably have to follow. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to deny my enslavemtn to males and females/personas, egos, and thus be enslaved fundamentally to my mom and dad. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to keep blaming my mom and dad for the abuse I experienced as a child, and thus give into the very patterns I created frm the abuse I experienced as a child, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed,use ft not realize that light and love is what I supress from these fears I experienced as a child, these points of my parents making me feel helpless and fear expression when I was achild, because I would be punished if I made the wrong move, I had to be submissive to what they told me was valid, t be this adult character, to be what society tells me, to listen to mr president. I forgive myself that've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is irrelavent to what I had experienced, and what is relavent is to change myself from the fear that had happened through these experiences to change who I am as life, and to stop making excuses to dwell on these fears and protect myself as these fears, when I well know at I have the tools to change myself, and then if I ever had a child, I could raise him and not scare the shit out of him with what my father and mother Brought on to me, and not limit his expression and make him fear other people to talk to, to not fear playing music, to not fear to stand alone as he/she had at birth. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I require to change myself through these reactions to stop both mind polarities, and realize that I am only fucking myself in the feari experienced as a child to be submissive t everyone else's bullshit in this world, the bullshit lit and love, the fucking bullshit god and Allah and fucking bullshit spirituality, the bullshit they represent to hide from themselves. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to need approval from these people from the point of trying I tell them to stop hurting me, like saying that the fear memory patterns I went through as a child but just knew was so fucked up, I wanted to tell them "stop fucking hurting me is is fucking ludicrous, but I had no way to put that in a sentence, and then trying to exploit this towards others as if they are the cause for what I experienced as a child, as these memories of being fucked with my whole life, but not knowing how to tell anyone, and us just had to go through and be submissive. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to self victimize myself as a way to supress myself from the very memory patterns of when I had to gointo self victimization to supress the fear I was experiencing from school, from parents. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to resent everyone in the current world system and be frustrated that others will tell me that what I'm doing is false, and then want to be condescending orporove to them something. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've been in abusive relationships throughout my life, because the fucked up experiences. Had with my family and thus that only accumulated far worse through my schools and then teachers would unison me, and I just fucking hated everyone. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not slow down in my breath to realize these patterns are false, that they aren't me, and that I can change what I've accepted and allowed I therefor forgive myself hat I've accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself as life within these patterns, but to only continue dwelling on the past and to keep surviving. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself t cry from the relief ofthe built up mental pain that I've experienced frm all of these un accounted points. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I'm already living now, that that does not require emotions, because otherwise I am only trying to fool myself into these very fear and submissive patterns again, to supress the reality that I am alone, that I d not require others t tell me what I'm doing is right or wrong. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear what will happen if I actually walk through these submissive reactions, the very emotional that I will face and will require t walk through, all alone, without having to keep fearing being enslaved to mom and dad. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel trapped under what my parents presented to me, and not being able to walk away, to stand alone, because I could never leave the house, I could never leave and actually be comfortable, because I had this emotional attachment to receive fear from the dad, and then get supression fom the mom. I forgive myself that've accepted and allowed myself to not benselfhnes that light and love is n fact the trap to keep myself in fear, t kee myself from being alone here, as an expression, without what my parents presented to me, without them having t be there. I forgive myself that've accepted and allowed myself tnot realize,that my father told my that I was inferior as an expression, and then learned that my om for the oust part told me I was superior, therefor I forgive myself at I've accepted and allowed myself to try to show this image to girls, to females, and then at he same time resent them because at the same time I received my moms approval towards y father of what he told me I was, what he expressed to me ohysical whoi was. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to get r, very angry frm this reaction, where I don't want to hurt anyone, but I just want to like throw shit at the walls, and just yell, as this way of hurting my dad, of like getting back at him, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to just want to get attention for what I'm experiencing as this pain. Like have somebody somehow experience what I experienced to like show me this sympathy and tell me that I am not inferior, or that it is ok If I play music, it is ok If I can express myself, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into rage and crying as an emotional release to self sabotaging myself from memories of my father telling me how my expression was wrong. I forgive myself active accepted and allowed myself to therefor go into self blame for the reactions I experience, and hating myself for being confused, as if I should be punished for being confused, and therefori forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to resent other beings as they punish me, and then try t impress the,. And then when I can't impress them enough, I get outrageous and begin to cry and give up. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize at I've been fooled to what's relavent and what's irrelavent by my own fears, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that these emotional experiences of intense resentment towards others is only fear, it is only mind patterns, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize at I am only potentially manifesting his and resonating this towards others. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only consider what I experienced emotionally, and continue sly trying to protect myself as this emotion, and not write self forgiveness to take self responsibility to eventually consider my physical environment that doesn't consist of these emotional patterns anymore, these abusive patterns that if accepted and allowed, regardless of what happened and what built up. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this submissive pattern is what I've accepted and allowed to keep me involved in the fear, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the very fear itself will try to keep myself submissive toit through light and love, meaning victimization, blame, self sabotage, and thus eventually ill just start trying to fulfill the specialness of images and pictures t others to protect myself, to say submissive. Part two will further utilize.