So, there have been a couple of things I've noticed when deliberately triggering self interest as a choice, instead of breathing and slowing myself down and standing as equal within what I face. So I will specifically point out music, and working. When I play guitar, I've noticed that a number of patterns occurs. I will begin playing, and immediately have to pretend within that moment that another is watching me, and that I require functioning and being stable and accurate within playing through energy, through playing as an image, instead of actually playing the music, and in fact, when I play as an image, as this beautiful picture in my mind, I will jockey deminish the enjoyment, and become very insecure and mess up more, than the times I found myself actually playing with the music, which has been a very rare case for me, and actually got tohysicaly experience this much better than I have probably since I was a child.
With working, I will notice that I have this inherent idea that what I'm doing is bad already, like, I require feeling insecure to work, and I find this because, everyone around me is gossiping about another person, or the attitude of the others towards eachother and myself is this attacking punishment manner, like "g do this" with this side effect persona of 'or else'. I noticed that once I started working at my job first, I had no thought of anyone around me, and it all seemed very simple, and I just did it, but then of course everything built up over time. Then once I started competing with the males as ego, the females comeintoplay where I think they're trying to grab my attention attractively like, and I just keep hiding from talking to them because I don't want to mistreat the with what I participate in.
Actually, there's thus one more thing that really has been quite the burden within all of this. The thing I notice within this all, is that I base all of this shit off of how I look,like my physical appearance, and because how I fortunately resemble what I would like to look like, I'm stable, in fact, I went through extreme depression from when I thought I was far, and looked ugly, like I seriously just isolat myself for a good 2 years because I hated how I looked, I almost resented everyone I was around because I was so self concious that I thought everyone around me thought I was the ugliest thing to have come to this planet, seriously, I thought literally anyone was better than me.
This point seemed to intensify when I got second hand high the other night, and was around multiple people, while playing guitar. Which, once I started smoking weed in junior hi, I faced all insecurities, and one day a girl told me I was ugly, and I took it so personally that all I did and could do was isolate myself, which in fact I would eat junk food and hide in my room and watch movies and eventually become addicted to porn from this point. This became my entire reality, that I had to look a certain way to d anything functionally.
So, basically this point was less intense before the second hand high, but afterwards it all just hit me, and now I've suppressed a load of layers.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience comfort with the idea of my body image, my physical appearance.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to put self blame towards myself for having this effect me, as if I'm guilty for being this selfish to be so insecure about image.
I forgive myself thative accepted and allowed myself to thus create self interest as a reaction to the self blame to create is sort of cpetition with others through wanting to just get my self forgiveness over with and this whole process done with ski can stop feeling like shit.
I forgive myself that I've not accepted myself to consider patience, breathing, the here, which is always moving and evolving. Us I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to simply want a quick fix to my self, not allowing myself to write myself and walk through the self interest repreccusion, to understand that everything takes breath, takes what's here, and thus takes days and nights, months and years, which is something ive simply defined as a relation to my selfnterests so I can create cnvenience of when ill receive the next dose of energy to supress my fears.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the moment I add an image to something participating in, or will potentially participate in as an energetic experience, that I willimmediately deminish my effectiveness as what's actually occurring practically, and that that image in my mindis a suppressant of a fearful simulation, and thus require the positive simulation to kee it alive to keep the very mind experience alive.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear what will happen ifi give up this energy, this image dependency.
I forgive myself to I've accepted and allowed myself to fear what I will lose as a relationship to images, and thus possibly will go through low points that will create body changes or less playing time with guitar etc that I would percieve currently as inconvenient - the CON intervening with my participation Here to get me to the convenient point.
I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myselfto thus not stand up for wht is best for what is here, because I'd rather continue being conned by the concious bullshit thative made up to keep me conning myself and others in abuse and competition within ophysical expression.
I'm commited to continue my physical participation shpchedule to insure that I continue reaching these points, and reactions within these physical points.
I'm commited to stop the mind participation, and where I will continue buying into the CONvenience of mind energy that throws me off schedule to stabilize self.
I'm commited to redefine my relationships to what's best for here, as ohysicsl, and not as images that deminish physical.
I'm commited to walk through these points to actually understand what it means to stand for what is best for all, here, physically.
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