Day 12 - fear triggered, panic, justification

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to generate fear and panic.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create this fear and panic from the starting point of playing guitar outside wi the amp, and worrying if others will hear me play.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create panic due to this time pushing myself through not playing n the hope that others will hear me play, which when I started to play I began enjoying myself, but then of course I triggered a thought when I heard a branch crack or hat ever it was, and immediately assumed it was a person, and then I started playing the songs with the imagery hoping that others would be listening to me while I was playing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accumulate this panic when playing guitar in front of other, due to me self confronting myself this time, not seeing and realizing that it is simply another dimension that I must correct.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create justifications of self interest to not correct myself, to protect myself from actually riding the pattern of fear in itself.

I forgive myself that I keep going back to the point of mediation. Is like such a fucking intense point that tries to impede me supporting myself. Like simply a thought, that has nothing to do with me breathing, or connecting with myself, knowing myself for who I really am, but instead I create this point of immediately assuming that meditation and not doing anything and just shutting off my thoughts is what will support myself, when I can't even support myself while I'm playing guitar. How am I really taking care of myself through having to DEPEND on a quite room with no distractions and just sit there and shut off my mind. What happens when the same reactions continue occurring over and over and over the exact same way..

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor depend on outside forces, on what philosophers and gurus talked about, not seeing realizing, that I already have myself. These thoughts that keep coming up in me is telling me that I need to depend on some form of energy and being to be stable, not seeing and understanding that I'm already living, why can't I be SELF HONEST with this, like this opposite of what this world has been. This world has been nothing but people deceiving and abusing eachother, all frm what, apdis honesty, lies which manifest from being dishonest with who we are, that we are living, that we are therefor equal with life, its that fucking simple, and all I want to convince myself with, is fucking meditation, I mean am I fucking serious. I haven't been able to have any integrity mp throughout my life, and I've only but allowed myself to be dogged on by people, to be fucking gulable to everyone, and never focus on myself, and never be self sufficient, just like the meditation, its alan watts in my head saying, oh no don't 'confront' yourself, because that's ego, when actually it is being self honest with myself with words, that's like saying to myself, I have no rights to my breath, to my words, and therefor I am not allowed to be self honest, to self direct myself, but instead, I must depend on meditation from the point of fear, to not self direct, but go sit and do nothing about what has been happening in this world, and therefor only allow myself to be apgulable to more bullshit stories.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take my self forgiveness breath by breath, but instead expect the reactions. I'm commited to as of now breath and stop worrying about whether meditation is valid or not, and discover what is practical..

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself for having depended on others to tell me what's valid, and get deceived from those who gave false presentations.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create confusion, like I did when I was a child, where I would be deceived, but I would get so confused because I knew that I should be participating in something which is best for all, but I just did what the others told me because. Didn't want to get punished, which punishment being founded by what's universally presented as the system, punish,ent and rewards, therefor Im creating all of the bullshit portions of what alan watts talked about, like accepting feelings, and opinions, and love and light, and therefor I'm recieving the exact same effect universally in comparison to him talking about meditating.

This requires me to investigate, I cannot depend anymore, and cannot rely on others anymore for what I do. If I'm going to ever support myself, I must self direct myself, but I've been a deceived otherwise that I'm accepting and allowing the intense fear of distrust in myself t take over me, and therefor when I am more stable and applying self forgiveness, I'm still doing it with a tent of having to depend in others to clarify what is wrong with me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not have trust in myself, and t fall helpless when I realize that it requires self directing myself in order to stabilize myself within my breath.

I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to create the dependency of feeling better after self directing myself and when I post my blog, not understanding that I'm not actually knowing what breathing means, but instead creating a barrier towards myself, its like there's a man on top of the barrier who keeps telling me to stop climbing or ill fall, and so of course I know I need to climb it to stop being improvised, but its relieving knowing I won't fall if I dare to climb it.

I forgives self that I've accepted and allowed myself to not understand that I'm my own master. I'm living, therefor I express as life, and me, this life form, can express words, and therefor I can express words to represent myself as life, because I'm already life, and I must therefor self master myself as life, and not keep making excuses to keep being enslaved to others, to keep being deceived.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest for me, but to be self honest for others. I, still depending, m still creating the stress for myself, the patterns, and therefor I inevitably going to create the excuse to just escape and meditate/ go into the universal spectrum which consists of love and light/ fear, which is the very thing that is enslaving me, and will by all means make excuses to tell me not to self direct myself, and not live as life, and express myself as life, but to manifest under the starting point of fear, bullshit manipulative deceptive fear thoughts gong through my head directing me to fuck myself up and others, just like those throughout my spchild hood.

I'm commited to gain ohysical confidence of myself, to not give into dependency, to not give into manipulative bullshit thoughts that only but keep me staring at the barrier, and never mastering myself and pushing myself to 'over'come, to get over myself, to fucking stop trapping myself, to shut the fuck up when I'm trying to define myself from fears, and just stop and breath.

I'm commited to therefor stop judging myself in situations of expression, to stop judgment from deceptive thoughts, and create helplessness in myself.

I'm commited to not depend on energy anymore, to not be driven by energy, and to not justify it with self interest and supression, and to not hide when I'm overwhelmed after accumulating a much of it.

I'm commited to self master myself for real, and to stop fucking justifying all of my relationships that I've accepted and allowed universally, and to take self responsibility when and as I participate in the mind, and just breath, com pe back here, and know who I am, I am, my own master, or I can depend in disaster.

I am commited to take self responsibility physically, to d it because it is me doing it, and not doing it to fulfill energy, not do it because it might get me an award, but to do it because it is me expressing myself as life for what is best for myself as life, and therefor what is best for all.

I'm commited to continue writing,  continue my process to discover myself, and to in fact self master myself.

Day 12 - fearing being made fun of, embarrassment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being made fun of, or getting into situations that I would percieve as embarrsing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed to express myself in the first place.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not realize that this embarrassment is simply something triggering from when I had been made fun of, or the jestures, or expression I was presenting was looked at as inferior by others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into patterns of wanting to hide or find some other form of superiority to supress what I feel embarrassed to do.

I forgive myself that I've had this sort of e areas,ent with writing, where I fear myself failing because my expression isn't good enough, or I fucked up and it somehow got noticed by something, when really it is just me building the characters that I have in my memory, and simply relating those jestures and attitudes towards my expression.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor fear others attacking my expression, or making fun of it, where I will be open to others, and not realizing that this is simply relating the memories of being attacked, or made fun of in the past, and then relating it to what ever situation I happen to get involved with.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify this fear pattern by telling myself' its ok if I procrastinate expression, and hide and find something to make me feel better' instead of expressing death and self correcting myself. In the moment, which does not consist of characters, but simply me expressing, and self guiding myself back to me as life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to then go into 'ok cool now I'm getting better at expressing' from the starting point of fearing being attacked somehow or made fun of towards my expression in the first place, which all happens through just me relating that scenario in my ind and becoming fearful.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take this embarrassment out on others in my mind, and then feel guilty for immediately doing it in that moment, or will become more touchy with my cat and excessively play with him.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have this fear within playing music, where I will become paranoid before playing in front of others, and the immediately I have to create myself as some superior image to protect myself from the intimidation.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel embaresed to play sports, which was when I was attacked and made fun ofthe most, where I was made fun of for how I ran, for not doing well in much sports.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have put myself down all of my life for the potential I had to take care of myself, due to starting everything with trying to please the people around me.

I'm commited to walk outside, or learn how t jog outside and excersise and listen to music when I find myself accumulating these fears, and gathering up my breath before I write, to assure myself that I'm experiencing now, here, and there is no punishment, or no attack to me, and never essentially was, but. Accepted and allowed myself to layer fears that others have participated in as well, and got so dogged on and manipulated that I tried to survive in it so much that I failed, and created confusion frm this, simply due to me trying to survive under the intense patterns that are within my mind.

I'm commited to not dog n myself when. Expressing myself, to know itching is wrong wi me, that I'm living, and its that simple, and to not dog on myself when I'm writing, and thus not try to decieve myself not to write when I experience this fear, and to understand that it is knowing myself as life, as an expression through speaking through self honesty towards myself, that it is honest that I'm self -true that I'm life.

Day 12 - what is self interest - self correction, and breathing

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to buy int self interest.

I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to accumulate self interest from patterns of fear, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself, and for not breathing and self directing myself HeRE when I find myself accumulating such fears.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accumulate self interest by justifying that others participate.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is merely me being in fear that I will be somehow affected by the fear that others present, and thus justifying confronting his internal fear through running to self interest.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be self sufficient, but instead dependent on others for a sort of confirmation of what's valid or invalid, not understanding or seeing that this is but a defense mechanism for self interest, to keep an extent of the pattern there, to feed the fear and enslavement.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create paranoia of others harming me, thus even when it gets intense enough, creating fear of others in desteni harming me, which is merely from the trolls and haters that I've been presented its, and knowing that its bullshit, but still just letting the fear stay, and not being self sufficient through self honesty that it is only but fear, it is not what is supportive for myself, and therefor not what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create optimism in my process from the dependency fear, thus creating my process as dependable in itself, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to find a purpose in my process, which this purpose merely being me trying to supress what I fear as what I've accepted and allowed myself to become, and therefor not  in fact accepting myself as myself within what I've accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create this thus towards all relationships. Where I have distrust in myself already, and therefor when I find such distrust in myself, I create this distrust towards others, and become paranoid, and only overwehlm myself even more.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to attempt t verify fear to begin with, and not in fact understand that fear is all bullshit, it is not me, it is programmed reactions from memories of others manifesting their programming onto me, and layering the fear they show to me with delusion which is exactly what they did when it was presented to them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not breath in such situations, but instead creating the pattern of fearing of being brainwashed, when in fact I accept and allow brainwashing, I accept and allow myself to be influenced by fear, I'm consciously capable of being self honest, and therefor I'm just as consciously capable of accepting fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that accepting fear and fearing of being influenced by fear is fear of losing my self, my definition of what I've accepted and allowed myself to become.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create resistance from self honesty through this fear of loss, and instead justifying my self interest, and therefor inevitably being influenced by fear situations.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor protect my position in self writing, and therefor I writing as this way of defending myself from what ever is dishonest, and therefor when and as I find myself being presented by universal fear, it all comes together and reacts to the fear of losing my position in my process, and a I'm really just completely fucking myself here haha.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the void of my own protected position through creating separation towards others, where I will react to people specifically who I'm usually around most of the time, and that will also react to me, which of course is the effect of a coexistence manipulative relationship.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to therefor protect my position of 'being good' of 'winning' and therefor compare myself to others, and therefor to my process as a definition.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not realize that these definitions will are all but ways of manipulating myself from understanding that I'm life, and that my actual relationship to everything is one and equal.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accumulate dependency when all of these fears accumulate, which when I start understanding myself and thus the world around me, I have to o around and tell everyone and try to prove them something, which this being the defense mechanism to protecting my position of self interest.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify dishonesty, by telling myself 'oh well the feelings too intense, so therefor its cool if I continue feeding it, which not realizing, and understanding, that continuation of feeding it, is but from the starting point of fearing losing my position within my process, and therefor I feed into, and then of course I beat myself afterwards,instead slowing myself down, and understanding that is completely irrational, its not me, and simply I must change myself from these patterns.

I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to therefor create the notion that I must experience these patterns in order to change, not seeing and realizing that this is still depending on my definitions of fear, and that it is only to keep my fundamental position surviving.

I'm commited to not accumulate mind energy from this fundamental notion, and begin becoming self reliant, and self sufficient, and not depend on mind energy to drive me, or really just drive me down hill from actual self responsibility.

I'm commited to not create drive in what I'm participating in, but to breath, slow down, not best myself up, and simply change myself through self correction.

I'm commited to not depend on my relationships universally anymore, therefor not make universal excuses, and instead know myself, embrace who I am, and therefor actually focusing on myself as myself, and accepting what I've allowed to accumulate, and en change it.

When I find myself participating in fear, and justifying fear for the sake of protecting fear, and universal fear, I will breath, I will embrace who I actually am, I will self correct myself under that circumstance, and not limited under dependency of energy, or of having to have this sort of starting point of winning, and losing, or valid or invalid, or separation, since these are all mechanisms used to defend my position.

I'm commited to take my process one step at a time, to not accumulate fear, but to accept it, understand it is only a reaction, and self correct myself.

Day 12 - what is self interest? Part 1 - investigating

S it seems that the second I wake up, I have this reaction after a few seconds of conciousness, which consists of my jaw tightening up, but with this good sort of energy. I will begin to create this energy with some form of accomplishment, as if I didn't fuck up the previous day. Its my mom. She would bitch at me, and avoid me, untill I did something that pleased her expectations, and then if I woke her up in the morning when I needed something, or if we were supossed to do something, she would give me this grin of like ' oh yay I don't have to deal with my sons bullshit today because he FINALLY did something right'. S this is a point to open in regards to the relationship I have with my mom.

The next point I experience is picking out something that sounds primarily confident to what I 'want to acc list' and immediately I start to drift into this delusion that I'm winning, and I'm not failing, and everything might actually work out this time. Tough it seems that every time I create this self interest, I quickly get discouraged, and everything around me is tense, and its like I'm trying to protect smething.

The next point is with my writing. So, I've realized that within writing, I have had to universally be driven to do it, therefor mind driven to write. At first it will all be chill and ill enjoy it, and then ill begin to create boredom towards it, simply because it doesn't fit my primary self interest. So my resistance in writing, is simply due to not wanting to write because I 'want' to do something else, and then also because Im trying to protect the patterns that I've accepted and allowed which in effect is self interest, and en I start trying to find all sorts of bullshit ways to make it true, through justification, throu purposefully creating confusion on myself, and generally just allowing the kind to accumulate to protect itself.

So, basically the feeling always emerges, which obviously will take a timely investigation. Now this is actually the next point, which is, that when I find myself accumulating this energy, I do not slow down, or breath at first, but instead tell myself "god damnit you fucked up" as a reaction of really just trying to protect self interest, since I already created the starting point of 'winning' in my process, due to fear of failing, which therefor fear of losing the self interest which layers this fear, and therefor is why I have resistance in the first place.

So, erector when all of these different aspects of self interest occurs, or what ever resistance or restriction hits me, I just go to straight beating myself up over it, instead of just slowing down, and breathing, and realizing 'well fuck I'm here breathing, lets continue this, and stop the thoughts and self correct", but of course there was a dimension that was preventing that common sense reality, which was fear of failing my process, and thus fear of losing my purpose and position within my process, which of course has its own dimensions in itself.

I will create a part 2 for self investigating the details through self correction and self forgiveness...

Day 11 - anxiety and paranoia when playing music around others - correction with ohysical practice

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create intense anxiety when playing around others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify e anxiety from currently experiencing it before.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create this justification to go hide back in the normal patterns, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate self responsibility of what I generate as fears, and instead trying to hide and supress the fear, which suppressing the fear is exactly what it sounds like, the fear does not go away, it is still there, just caked with painkillers in the mind, and then when I realize that these painkillers/supressions are bullshit, I become fearful and anxious that it is in fact bullshit.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is the cause of why I accepted and allow myself to resist writting, and create the notion that its boring, because I would rather go and hide and supress myself through the exact source of fear that I've accepted and allowed to accumulate.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to then go into making excuses from this layer, and telling myself 'oh well remember I'm confused whether meditation is the answer or not, and writting is but ego driven, when in fact it is my ego telling me ideas to hoodwink from self responsibility of deminishing the pattern.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to currently justify my fear and supress the fearful relationships that I've accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate the fears to how my body is currently feeling now on caffeine from the coffee I had drank earlier.

I'm commited to stop right now, breath, correct myself, go on a walk, and slow my mind down to observe what's happening practically, and not further accumulate bullshit in my mind, and also calm my body down from the caffeine I've consumed.

Day 11 - giving into manipulative relationships

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold my relationships from a source of fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to continue these experiences instead of breathing and focusing on myself in physical co existence to the relationships.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify these relationships through the old patterns, and telling myself 'well this fear I'm experiencing is just too much, so I have a reason to give into it and not slow myself down"

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor rush my expression within relationships to make sure I'm 'one step ahead' from getting manipulated, or failing the relationship.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify these relationships through the high fulfillment a of self interest that are caused from the fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience this currently from drinking too much coffee and having the high feeling intesified from the coffee.

Im commited to slow down, and breath currently, and find myself in co existance to my writing, and not my mind.

I'm commited to not create guilt through writing or breathing, nor acknowledge when I realizeim breathing, or create some kind of accomplishment or relief that I'm breathing.

I forgive myself that've accepted and allowed myself to therefor acknowledge when and as I'm actually experiencing my physical self, and then once this happens I begin to acknowledge the bullshit relationships, as if somehow I've always had to acknowledge myself to prote t what ever I create as a fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to follow the acknowledgment, and not slow down and realize that I'm already a experiencing what has always been, and that it is my ego influencing me by trying to feel good about breathing, instead of simply correcting myself when and as I am participating in the mind, and jut breath.

I'm commited to breath, and slow down when I'm participating in and as the mind, and do not accumulate relationships with the manipulative mind, and find myself where I currently stand as a physical expression.

I'm commited to live as equal, and not as this idea of equality,.

Therefor I'm commited to live as life, therefor what is practically best for all life, and not a relationship of self interest for my mind.

Day 10 - correcting habits

So it seems there are many habits that I seems to loop through on a daily basis, and lately I've noticed them more clearly once I've stopped participating so much. Its not exactly what I'm participating in, but its how I'm approaching these things, from a starting point of escapism, gain, or what ever fulfillment that I receive.

 I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to play video games from the starting point of consumerism, where if I have money, I will want to spend the money on a game when having the chance, even though 7/10 I won't enjoy the game. Thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to percieve games as an experience of gain, or to fill in the gap of shit, instead of enjoying the game I'm playing and buying the game because I actually sincerely intended on wanting to play that game.

 I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor create games, or any of my items as possessions, and then will use ese possessions as in comparison to others who don't have it, really just when I'm particularly upset at the person, and when they use it I purposefully take it away from their access for ego fulfillment. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create video games, music, as a form of escapism.p, or to fill in the GAO again of accomplishing or just generally feeling superior. I will simply want to buy all of this shit for my music, that's in fact very benificial, but its shit because I turn it into this shopping spree of having all of this stuff and then making it at some higher value than what it really is. And thus I forgive yield that I've accepted and allowed myself to as well fill in the gap of missing something within playing music, where I depend on goals, and accomplishing something or playing a complicated song to show everybody how big my dick is with holding a guitar.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor compare myself t others within my items, and within my qualifications.

I forgive myself for creating escapism, like watching YouTube videos and justifying that I'm enjoying the video than to self correct or self write.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself t escape to masturbation, and justify its entirety of self interest after escaping enough and falling for it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that masturbation is the emotional realese through high simulation mind energy, like with guitar and video games etc.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not investigate myself further through self correction, or stopping masturbation for 21 days and then experimenting with it again.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create sex with food, and thus create my body to crave bad foods when I'm hungry.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to smoke ciggerettes as a form of escapism p, or getting the realese from the drag.

I'm commited to stop all habits through making myself a schedule for responsibilities and gpgenerally what I need to take care of.

I'm commited to investigate myself fired within habits through self corrections when participating in music, video games, cigs. Etc.

I'm commited to not masturbate for 21 days.

I'm commited to become a vegetarian, and study health.

I'm commited to write every morning and every night.

I'm commited to not create a starting point of self interest or denial of this self interest when writing, playing music, etc.

I'm commited to get a job to support myself.

I'm commited to not create others hassling me as a barrier :0(such as my mother and father especially)

I'm commited to focus on myself day in and day out.

I'm commited to do what is best for my self and thus what is best for all through supporting myself, and not be ruled by bad habits.