Day 138 - Dealing with anger, and resistance to change, while out and about

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry, and resist directing my emotions, an my realizations, while out and about.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to become angry when I see something in facing, and so within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to suppress facing myself throughout my day, instead of practically directing myself beforehand, and living that consistent directive principle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on other people, as a positive energy point, of wanting others to be nice to me, instead of reflecting and seeing that I am the only one to face myself within these emotions.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that directing these points of anger and resistance, will take time, and consistency, building, and applying tools and creating myself, to the point where I can be more effective in managing anger and resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to depend on my process emotionally, as a want for success, instead of practically using my ability to apply myself, through what's here, and what I require taking self responsibility for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to therefor fear failure, when not seeing and realizing, that I can always apply breathing, focusing, and reflecting, within my best ability, and that I can always bring myself back to directing my feelings of anger, and what interconnects with that anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing mysel to create anger while taking self responsibility, within the idea that I am inevitably going to abdicate self responsibility. This within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself., to have created and existence within myself, as abdicating self responsibility, self awareness, and self direction, and self management to my experience with anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to depend on others, as a emotional suppression system to not face myself, and to not work with these points of anger, which within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize, that this will and is the cause of resistance to facing myself in and as the experience of anger.

When and as I see mself resisting, I stop, I breath, and I focus on reflection to what I'm feeling, and I focus on breathing, and I do not judge myself within what I'm feeling or expressing, but direct it as much as possible, in order to manage my anger.

Day 137 - resentment and anger

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have resentment and anger, and to have defined myself as resentment and anger.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become resentful towards F when I feel he has the intention of keeping me trapped within my emotions, when not seeing and realizing, that I have all control over my emotions, and that he is simply a point that I've kept within my mind, to where I have built up anger towards him, and resentment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience anger and resentment while writing this, instead of breathing and applying self forgiveness, as a practical release.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to verify this emotion of resentment and anger, to where I have embodied it within myself, to where I have made it out to be difficult, because I've simply accumulated it within myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel anger and resentment towards f,when he comes off to me as blaming me within my perception, or trying to place myself as inferior to him when doing something.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have anger and resentment towards F, for when I was a child, he would tell me I did something wrong with a mannerism and voice that came off as negative, to where when I hear him say something that I perceive as that negative experience, I go into reaction, of wanting to retaliate in my mind, or blame him for what I'm experiencing within myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into denial of this point, through positivity, or to where I want to focus my attention towards other things, such as other people, or wanting to eat, or wanting to play music to suppress the fear and the emotion within myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame F for my experience of resentment and anger, for growing up with him durring my life, and being at a point of unconfident within myself  to where when I see that I'm starting to feel confident, I gradually start to experience an unconfident point within myself, to where I relate back to what F had told me.

Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience anger and resentment towards F, when I remember the times he told me that "you aren't doing it right, you're stupid" or where he showed aggression, and I picked it up as negative.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try and analyze my mind, without actually directing it physically, and not learning how to direct this anger and resentment towards F, and to simply let it go through self forgiveness.

When and as I see myself experiencing resentment and anger towards F, I stop and breath, and I direct myself to understanding that these emotions are from one point in my memory, that I require deconstructing, and figuring out what the reasoning is for that particular point of resentment and anger.

When and as I see myself activating resentment and the want to retaliate towards F, I stop, I breath, and I let go of the blame, I let go of the emotions, through applying to what's here, and to focus on the point in a reflecting manner, to where I can release this point of anger and resentment towards F.

I commit myself to apply myself to breathing, and focusing on what I'm doing around my responsibilities, and to let this point go.

Day 137 - fear being alone within my fears

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone within my fears.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear experiencing turmoil within myself, and then not being able to direct that inner turmoil.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be defined by inner turmoil, and fear, to where I expect myself to be comforted by other people.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have anger and resentment within myself, to where I've covered it up for so long, to the point that I've created a consequence of facing inner turmoil as resentment and anger, and allowing that turmoil to dictate how I experience myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within the consequence of my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to escelate the thoughts and emotions through blaming my environment, and blaming where I'm at, and how I feel around that environment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold back from self forgiveness, because I've always expected myself to suppress these emotional experiences, through the very pattern of wanting to be safe around others/use others as an energetic source, to not face myself here, and see the problem for myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within having had suppressive feelings and actions within myself, to where I have accepted and allowed myself to create the experience of resentment and anger within myself more and more.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to pretend to be happy, when facing these points, as a way to not face them, and to instead only verify the fears of facing resentment and anger more and more.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not face resentment and anger.

When and as I see myself going into emotional turmoil, I stop, I breath, and I direct the point with what's here, and I bring myself back to self application by forgiving all of the fears of facing myself, and I practically face myself.

I commit myself to face myself in regards to resentment and anger.

Day 137 - eating too much, and eating right before sleeping

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to eat too much, within the context of "I'm hungry, I need to eat more". Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only think I'm hungry, when not considering whether I'm actually hungry, or whether my mind is just using hunger, or wanting to eat, as a suppression system.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for eating too much, in a sort of self loathing way, to where I say "I'm a fat fuck who just wants to eat his life away, and can't stop eating". Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate eating too much, to being fat, in a negative sense, due to seeing and having this act of eating too much represent that I am only suppressing emotions, feelings, through eating.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to eat too much pizza, out of wanting to just have the experience of the flavor in my mouth, to where I want to experience sort of a release within having something in my mouth to chew on, and taste.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to eat too much when I just feel comfortable with eating too much, but then when I know I need to watch how much I'm eating, I feel stressed. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relate stress to having to watch what I'm eating, out of the idea, that not eating the amount "I want" is stressful.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not utilize myself within how much I'm eating, as a way to keep healthy, and prevent myself from causing any health problems, or excessive fat weight.

I forgive myself that I've accted and allowed myself to blame my medications for me gaining weight.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that because I've lost weight, that I can just eat as much as I want because somehow I magically won't gain it back, or that if I gain it back, I can just lose it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the experience of depression when I eat, not seeing and realizing that this is the relationship I've created to my body when it feels lathargic it over filled with food.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body with too much food, and not considering how my body will feel, or how the organs will function, or what health risks I'm putting my body in when eating such fattening foods at such an excessive amount.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not support my body with healthy foods, and a healthy amount of foods that support my body in being healthy.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to eat right before I sleep, not considering that this causes weight gain, especially if eaten at a large amount, which while tired only feeling worse physically.

Day 136 - how to apply facing myself in a practical way SCS

I commit myself to apply self responsibility to the best of my ability, and to understand, that that ability can be perfectly accessed through seeing the point, directing the point, and releasing the point, one by one, and to not allow myself to get overwhelmed by points, because I can only control so many within a day, and to instead, focus on practicing how to better direct more emotions, more effectively.

When and as I see myself judging myself as having "failed" in a conversation, I stop, I breath, and I direct myself back to here, and to focus on what's here, what can be directed, and how I can move within myself to face whatever fear is effecting me.

I see and realize that when I see a point not being applied enough, that instead of judging myself, I apply myself to do better in my physical application, and do not go into blaming others, or blaming myself.

When and as I see myself judging myself within my process, do to thinking that my mannerisms aren't right, is top, I breath, and I walk the point of what's here, I direct it, and I do not escalate it from fear of not having "the right mannerism.

I see and realize that I can practically move myself with what's here, and that no matter what I experience, I can practically do it, regardless of the experience.

When and as I see myself escalating the fears of not being able to apply self movement, application, and response-ability, is top, I breath, and I walk through the point that is hindering myself, within my reactions to what people say.

I see and realize that I can direct what I've allowed to dictate me and define myself with. Within this, I commit myself to apply myself, when and as I see myself going into my past, and dwelling.

I see and realize that sharing self forgiveness does not have to mean that I have to forgive myself within the idea that others expect me to do it effectively, but that I can build my effectiveness, and ability by supporting myself within practically focusing and looking at what details can be applied better.

I commit myself to let go of points, when they start effecting me, or when and as I see myself getting effected by points.

I see and realize, that what's here, is something that I can move myself within, and gift myself, by applying myself to enjoyment, and self responsibility.

Day 136 - how to apply facing myself in a practical way

So the main point I'm focusing on in this blog, is how I can apply self responsibility, in terms of facing my reality, and of doing things in my everyday life, and how this can coincide, in assisting and supporting myself to build consistency.

So the main point to focus on, is how do I apply myself with facing myself, without allowing the emotions or fears to dictate my response -ability, in facing each point? How can I face myself in each point, by at the same time, doing chores, playing games, playing music, exercising, socializing, playing with dog, going to the store, driving, smoking, drinking a coffee, etc.. How can I not allow myself to let myself be directed by emotions, but instead, allowing myself to be directed by response-ability?

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize, that response ability, is something that can be applied to throughout my day, while still going through experiences and emotions.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize, that emotions and experiences, are simply what they are, and that it takes time to utilize how to better face myself within experiences and emotions, by simply applying what's here, by focusing on the task at hand, and not allowing thoughts or experiences to dictate my understanding, and consistent application of applying self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with fears of "doing responsibility right" and then focusing so hard on trying to do self responsibility right, without considering, that I am inevitably not always going to do each little thing correctly, and that I am able to do what I'm able to do, and to simply be here in every breath as much as possible, and to stand within what I have to take care of within myself in relationship to my environment, without judging myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with the expectation that I have to say the "right thing" or have the "right mannerisms" when talking to people, and wanting to enjoy talking, instead of just practically talking, and breathing through the conversation, focusing on what the conversation is about, and within that conversation, seeing what's most supportive that I can apply to the conversation, and how I can be most supportive within my mannerisms, and let them flow through, and not judge myself. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within my process, when I feel that I have "failed" in a conversation, within the context of these points.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that my thoughts are "bad", where I will proceed to create knowledge that I've related to judging myself in practical responsibility.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that "I'm not going to be able to do my process, or succeed", within this, not allowing myself to practically apply self application. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within my process, through this definition of failure.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to please others with "right mannerisms", to where if I don't have a "right mannerism", that I then tell myself "I'm a failure, I can't do anything, I can't do my process. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within my process with this point.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when someone says something that triggers negativity, to where I then say to myself "I'm a failure, I can't do my process, or speak self forgiveness, or enjoy myself, or do what I require doing in my environment".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow my past, within the consequences, and experiences I've had, to dictate my ability of confidence, and ability to apply self forgiveness, and self responsibility, and enjoyment, and self application.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accumulate experiences and emotions, through judging them as "bad", to where I then escalate them, instead of practically letting them go, and focusing on what I need to move myself within what's HERE.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge my sharing of self forgiveness, from the idea that "I'm doing it wrong" or "it's not good enough". Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to practically build my self forgiveness, within focusing on the details of what I'm writing, and doing my best to get to the point more clearly, and effectively.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow one point to dictate my entire life, and experience, to where I will make it the main thing that effects me, instead of just letting it go, through self forgiveness, and self movement, and application, and knowing that what's best, is to forgive, and let go.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect something better than what's here, instead of just practically enjoying what's here, and practicing that.

Day 136 - gifting myself the ability to stand within myself

So within this blog, I am going to share my experience with going into the mental hospital, and what points I realized, and what points I have gifted myself with in terms of understanding and discovering myself.

So this past week in a half, I have been in the hospital, for multiple reasons - I was in a state of high fear of myself, and I didn't want to face myself within what it was I was experiencing, so to me this was like a big point, because to me, I thought facing myself, was this huge gigantic ability that "other destonians had, and I am not up for that because I have too many fears that dictate me, and I don't know how to stand up to them". So this was the main point, and other points that I feared facing followed - relationship issues, not knowing what to do in my circumstance, and not knowing how to face my biggest fears.

So when I entered the hospital, I was intimidated, and scared. I thought to myself "I'm here in this place, and something had is going to happen because all of these people have issues, and I'm going through issues that are this big fucking mountain, that I'm going to pretty much die in here". And from that point, I isolated myself in my room, and didn't want to be around anyone.

The more and more I just allowed myself to walk through facing myself in this consequence, I realized something within myself, but it just wouldn't spark. So at first I saw that there's people around me to talk to, I have a room to write in, there's a smoking area to do some exercises with, and there's books, a shower, and that I could move myself within these things. So I applied most to it, especially the writing, but I just didn't feel comfortable to talk to people because I was still shit scared within myself that something bad would happen.

So eventually I was moved from the yellow unit (the area with rooms and a lobby that held patients that weren't able to really function), into the green unit, which was where higher functioning people were, and which was allot more calm and less people, more freedom, etc. so after being placed in the green unit, I felt more comfortable, but it was simply out of my convenience of not being around an area where patients would get into conflict, which didn't really even happen, but it was simply an awareness. But for the most part, the freedom to go outside more, and to be in smaller groups was more comfortable, and put my mind at ease for alittle bit.

So while in the green unit, I was just doing my writing, and was talking to my family and friend, and my desteni buddy, and was doing my thing with applying what's here. Now the thing that I realized before, that didn't really settle in with me, sparked after talking to my buddy. Which was that - I have been applying myself, and dealing with all of these fears, but I just didn't know exactly what it was that was holding me back from really facing myself, which was, that I always payed so much attention to what I was thinking, what I was feeling, what I was experiencing, whether I was pleasing someone, or myself in relationship to someone, whether I was saying the right thing, and within all of this wanting everything to be "right". Then I realized, that all it takes to face myself is to be HERE. Focusing on doing everything that's HERE, and taking self responsibility for that, without all of these limitations, and useless points of trying to focus my attention on every little experience, every little movement, and to just focus on myself, in relationship to my environment, to the best of my ability, and to not push myself so fast to try to solve every fucking point, and to not create fears into fucking mountains. Because fears are simply fears, and experiences are simply experiences. It doesn't have to dictate who I am, and who I know I am in this moment, which is - confident, knowing what's best, and knowing hat I can apply what's best.

It's empowering to know that all it took was seeing that focusing on what's here, isn't scary, it's actually something I can enjoy, and continue my life with, and share with others. And I want to thank desteni, and everyone who has shared their experiences, their support,  their points, their application to this world and what's best for this world. It's truly something that everyone can embrace, and is something that I will continue to apply and embrace, untill I'm unstoppable with my experiences, my thinking, anything I've been taught, told I couldn't do, and have been limited by all together.

The next blog will be on how I will be applying all of this within myself.