Day 128 - forgetting that this process is self responsibility

So I have come to the understanding, that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow patterns in my mind, to such an extent, that I had to come to the point of realization, which is that I have the tendency within myself, to fear facing myself so much, because all I've ever tried to do when I allow myself to get scared of this journy to life process, is verify my personality relationships. I have built further relationships off of personalities, and deception, that I had went into the scared mode again, but there is one thing that I have yet to let go of. I have yet to allow myself to let go of losing everyone, and within this, I have the tendency to try to tell everyone what I'm going to do to fix myself, but the funny thing is, is that I never end up doing anything, or in other instances, I'll progress to an extent, but I will still be trying to fix my problems, off of the invalid foundation, that other people HAVE to help me, or HAVE to understand where I'm coming from.

I have gone my whole life, wondering why I still make the same mistakes, and why I am so confused about myself, and it always leads to the realization of self, what I'm really doing and how I'm abusing others, but then, I go into instant self sabotage, to where I then proceed to feel the need to tell everyone that "I'm ganna do this, I'm ganna be self supportive" when not actually just fucking doing it, alone.

I realize within all of this, that I require being very careful with my communication with others, and to breath, and look into how I proceed to communicate in this way, of trying to "call for help/get saved.

Bernard and desteni itself, has taught me allot, but the thing that I always miss, is self application for real, and it seems I had to learn the hard way in order to figure out, that I can't keep trying to control everyone around me to my convenience, in order to feel better about my bullshit, and as to why I can never actually change, or ever actually get out of my mind, step out of the bubble, and forgive myself for my entire acceptances and allowances, and just embrace myself in the life I've accepted and allowed, and the people I have abused.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to forget, and not see or understand, that I require taking self responsibility and support myself for myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to convince everyone, that I need them in my life to be capable of helping myself, when I never gave myself a chance to truly help myself to begin with.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to fear taking self responsibility, and to fear helping myself, because of the fear of losing everyone and everything in the process. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to bring others down with my fears, with my lack of support and lack of willingness to support the very people who have been there to support me. Therefor, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to abuse others, in order to feel better about my own self sabotage, and to believe that I will get better, as long as I have someone to be there to lift me up, not realizing that I am inevitably going to end up abusing them, within the context of my unwillingness to truly forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into the same patterns within my personalities, and to continue blaming others through self sabotaging myself initially, to where I place and thing my problems are there fault, because "they don't want to help me, they think I'm a horrible person, so I will project that feeling onto them". Within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abuse others, and my partner, when they in reality only want what's best for me in my life, and are the ones who truly care about me. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to lose them, without being aware, that I am in reality going to push them away and lose them through blaming them, through clinging onto them, and by allowing myself to be possessed by insecurities, which is completely due to not allowing myself to simply forgive myself, for all of the abuse, and then accepting and embracing my past and abuse, but then changing myself consistently, without calling their names to aid my self destruction, and self pity and bullshit.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to always have the idea in my mind, that I have to wait for them to "love me again, to forgive me, to help me", not realizing that this is the fear that I'm going to lose them in my life, when they have proven countless times to me that they were always there to support me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to forget who I am within this world when thinking of spending my whole day, just trying to please others, and my partner, hoping I won't hurt them, and that I will change myself, not seeing and realizing that I am only compromising my time to take real self responsibility, and thus potentially compromising the entire relationships that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of.

Day 127 - forgetting the reality of myself, letting go of myself, effecting my partner

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to let go of myself, and forgetting about what I require taking self responsibility for, through allowing emotions and energies in my mind to accumulate and to take manifestation.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abuse my partner, and others, simply because I chose not to take full responsibility of how I require utilizing myself within the construct of my mind, within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize how this also abuses myself, and how this hurts my relationships and my opportunities to support, and to allowing others to not be pushed away from my inability to be self responsible.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in patterns that I know are abusive, and in which I require being fully aware of how I require utilizing these patterns, within writing and within physical self application.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become scared of taking self responsibility because of the fear of losing these things, not seeing and realizing how destructive and demanding it is of my mind, which creates havoc in my life, to where I can potentially lose relationships, and myself within the process.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor make excuses within myself, that "it's not that bad" and then allowing loose ends to occurs, not realizing how consequential those loose ends are. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to lose sight of the abuse these patterns create, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to only have self interest of myself, within accepting and allowing these patterns.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only want to do something about this, when I realize that I will lose my partner, or something apart of my life. Within this, I forgive myself that I've only accepted and allowed myself to consider what I will lose, and not fully consider the abuse I am creating towards my partner, by participating in these patterns.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not change myself in the past when I had multiple opportunities, and within this, making these same mistakes, due to allowing loose ends, and allowing myself to forget why I'm doing this process of change.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not see how I am hurting my partner, through allowing these loose ends, and to where I will use excuses and pretty talk to work my way out of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only want the easy route, which is to accept and allow these patterns as myself, not seeing that I am capable of changing myself, for the betterment of myself, and for my relationship with my partner.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see how great and supportive my partner is, by allowing myself to participate in abusive patterns. Thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not see and realize, that if I were in her shoes, that I would see all of the shit that I do, and how bad it would hurt me if I were experiencing what she is experiencing from what I accept and allow.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for my mistakes, and to where I have accepted and allowed myself to project my emotions and mistakes within myself on to her, to where she has to suffer even more for what I accept and allowed as an abusive manifestation of myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only care about how my partner feels when she shows me how hurt she is by this, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make excuses, and allow myself to abuse her, until she shows it to me. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse, that "I'm doing better than before" or "I'm trying" when I am not realizing that I must do everything in my power and highest potential to utilize myself, to where I don't hurt my partner or myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to get side tracked from jobs, and money opportunities, to where I make all of my focus and importance on that one thing, to where I make the excuse that "I'm successful because of a career and money, so I don't have to be as responsible" not seeing and realizing that I require taking responsibility for all aspects of my life, to where I can support my partner in all ways. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that I am only making an excuse to abuse life, with my own self interest, and with the idea that I have power over another, being my partner, because I "am the one who is making money, with a career, so I can abuse because I am contributing in one way"

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give into habits, and patterns that are abusive, out of the idea that they should be there to please me when "I'm stressed", and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that my partner is the one who I should know is there to support me when I am stressed, and instead, I am going to these addictive patterns.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abuse my partner, because I have accepted and allowed myself to give into old patterns that I have justified as my first result, and thus not seeing and realizing that I require applying myself towards my partner to where she is there to support me, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of my partner, through using old patterns to run to, and then going to her only to abuse her.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only want to stop working within my limits of understanding, and not pushing through those limits, to see the deeper aspect of the abuse I have caused my partner, and what I am allowing within myself to continue. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my life, and thus my partners life, due to laziness of learning the context and construct of the reality of myself.

Day 126 - writing out of self interest

So today, I had realized that I had another fall in my process to life. Now, was I ever thinking or considering that I was on a process to life, no, because for the past year, I have been "taking a break" from being self responsible in regards to directing my emotions, thoughts, feelings, actions. So basically, I have thought to myself, "now I will write, because I had failed at something, and so now I can just write it out and start writing again, because NOW I want to change". This is a clear indication that I still continue to live in self interest, and that my only intent of writing before hand all the time, was out of self interest, or out of fear of not surviving in the current system.

It seems that all I've ever aspired to do was make money, be a better "person", and to please other people to get my way around the system, and to get my way when it came to attracting success, or attracting positivity. So why is it that now I'm writing?

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to write, within the intent of making money, of fearing failure, and of being successful in manipulating other people around me, with knowledge that I took advantage of from the desteni process.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make excuses to not write/take self responsibility for real, or for the purpose of what's best for all,.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of my relationships, through using knowledge of the desteni material, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not have applied the tools and knowledge for the benefit of all life, but instead only for my personal relationships, which within the self interested intent, still turned out to have failed.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have made the excuse, that because I wasn't writing, that it was all because " I needed a break" when not seeing and realizing, that I was simply not interested in writing anymore, and thus I actually stopped  writing because I never was writing out of the intent of what's best for all life to begin with.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that this whole time of "taking a break from writing", I've merely been accepting and allowing myself to participate in my mind, and to participate in energy, in a point of misdirection, and thus not actually taking self responsibility, simply because I allowed myself to accept the mind, to accept abuse, to accept the system.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize how much I could've prevented abuse, and how much I could've supported myself, and others around me, if I would've kept writing consistently.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not realize that I had not been applying change from my writing, which is an indication that I wasn't writing, or stating SF, SCS for real.

When and as I see myself stopping consistent writing, or seeing that I am writing from a self interest point, I stop, I breath, and I start over, and write again, or continue with what I'm writing, with the knowledge as to why I am writing, which is what is best for all.

I commit myself to write daily, or at least do the desteni lite course, to assure that I am taking self responsibility every day, to direct my emotions, thoughts. And feelings.

I see and realize that directing thoughts, feelings, and emotions, should be within the starting point of breath, and of understanding why I am directing these things, which is to support my life, and others lives equally.

Day 125 - investigating the reasons for thoughts with other women while in a relationship, part 1

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts with other women sexually, and not have a direct understanding and point to follow within the principle of whats best for all, but instead have self interest of participating in desires, that are due to reasons of stress, fear, and anxiety, or self consciousness.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have the thoughts, out of wanting a new experience, and thus have to want to fill in this void, from the fact that I require staying and experiencing myself in an agreement to one partner, to one marriage.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear what will happen in the future with my partner, and thus resort to wanting to rebound in my thoughts, by having sexual attraction towards other women.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts of sex, or sexual parts with other women, out of wanting pleasure from something different, and to have this diversity, out of not being fulfilled with my desires within myself as "I'm young, and I need to have a broader and more open sex life with other women". Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want this, not considering why I would want this while in an agreement with my partner, and even if not in agreement, as to why I haven't directed this notion, that I just need to lust after some of the women that I see.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to created paranoia of being around women, in fear that I'm going to have the thoughts, instead of just calming down, and seeing what I truly am experiencing, and letting the thoughts flow through, and then investigating as to why they are happening.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to  want to have sexual thoughts about other women, out of the attraction of them, when not considering that these attractions I experience, are nothing but a void of experiencing a directive attraction with my partner.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to experience sex with other women, out of the idea of "being free" and just wanting the sexual pleasure from them, due to the pattern of wanting a feel good experience. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself, to express these desires toward my partner when I have these thoughts.

Day 124 - having thoughts about other women while in a relationship with my partner

So, this is the beginning of utilizing my feelings, emotions, thoughts, and intent in my relationship. Currently me and my partner are going through  really difficult time, but at the same time it's made our relationship much more healthy. It started when I decided to tell my partner absolutely everything I feel, have thought, my relationships, my past, the deepest and darkest secretes, and all of it took about a week and a half to completely come out on the table, because I was scared that I was going to lose her, or hurt her if I told her. It is all working out though, and Her and I have made an agreement that we would go through our own process, to make our relationship stronger, and something that can develop and be long lasting.

Now I'm going to start off, with the thought's I have with other women, and dreams I have, and what I experience with these thoughts and experiences. So the thoughts I have had about women have been sexual, or I will simply get and exciting feeling or arousal from looking at them, or there body parts. Now I will do self forgiveness, and self corrective statements, in order to expose and share these experiences.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have sexual thoughts about other women, to where I will see them, and then I will think about having sex with them, or I will picture pornographic images. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to get a feeling of arousal, or excitement, when thinking about having sex with other women.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that when participating in these thoughts, that I am not being directive with my relationship, and that these experiences and thoughts are a problem, and can cause me to look away from my partner. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have not taken care of these desires before hand, or have been more careful before deciding to get into a relationship with my partner.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to mentally cheat on my partner, to where I just willingly allow these thoughts to come up, or even if it's automatic thoughts, that I don't breath, and forgive the thoughts when having them, in order to prevent having these thoughts and experiences any further.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that I require investigating the reason behind these thoughts, and utilizing the points and breathing, and slowing myself down, as to why I have had the thoughts to begin with.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear of having these thoughts again, in fear that when I tell my partner, that she isnt going to trust me with taking self responsibility for my thoughts and experiences in relationship to being attracted or having sexual thoughts about other women. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not let go of the fear that I'm going to lose my partner, when not realizing that I can only lose myself by not confronting myself with these experiences, and that I require, and have required fixing these experiences when knowing that I was going to be in a relationship with my partner, and while I was in a relationship with my partner.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within having these thoughts, that I'm a bad boyfriend, or that I will never change because I'm just a bad person, not seeing and realizing, that it is simply something I was inevitably going to face, and that this is a process that I require taking in order to get rid of these experiences and thoughts, and that doubting and judging will only compromise my progress in getting rid of these experiences and thoughts, to where I can become more directive, and honest and trusting with my relationship with my partner.

when and as I see myself having thoughts about sex with other women, I stop and breath, and I forgive myself in the moment of the thought, or the feeling of arousal or excitement. I commit myself to start breathing more when around women I would find attractive, and focusing on the fact that they are equal, not apart of my life or are my partner, and I think about my partner, and resort to thinking about sex with her instead. I'm also committed to start keeping myself busy in order to prevent built up tension or wondering thoughts,

 I'm committed to take self responsibility for these experiences I have towards other women, and that I make sure that I created a directive intent towards my partner. Within this, I commit myself to write daily, to breath always, and to do activity, and to do therapy with myself alone, or with my partner in order to get past these experiences towards other women.

when and as I see myself not breathing, or where I was not taking self responsibility in the commitments I've made when having the thoughts, I resort back to these writings, and I make sure that I apply these tools when experiencing such thoughts.

I'm committed to daily investigate within myself, as to why I'm having these thoughts about other women.

I commit myself to investigate the reason as to why I fear losing my partner, and to dig deep into what I feel towards my partner, and as to why I m so scared to have these thoughts, instead of simply letting go and enjoying myself with my partner, and by myself around other women. Within this, when and as I see myself fearing that I am going to have thoughts about other women, I stop, I breath, and I let go of the fear through stating self forgiveness.

I see and realize, that this is a process I require walking, not only for the sake of my relationship with my partner, but for my own mental stability, and for the fact that I require directing any emotion I experience, or anything I experience in regards to the mind.

Day 123 - utilizing anger and resentment in a relationship, self corrective statements

When and as I see myself  wanting to control my partner through anger and resentment, I stop and breath, and I reasses myself and my emotions, my intent, and also ask why I am getting angry, why am I wanting to control my partner through arguments, through throwing my phone. Within this I see and realize that I am only projecting my emotions and insecurities towards my partner, and that I am only getting angry out of noticing within my owne go that I am not able to control her.

I commit myself to always reflect my anger towards myself, and to always utilize my emotions and my own ego before ever deciding to start an argument with her, or acting out in anger or resentment.

When and as I see myself blaming my partner for something she says that I find inconvenient, or for her having issues or problems, I stop and breath, and I reflect back to the reason I'm blaming her for her expressions, her problems, and always focus on myself and my own emotions and my own reactions from what she says, and how I react to her having problems, whether they have anything to do with me or not.

I see and realize that I cannot blame anyone, including my partner, for my own reactions, for my own emotions that include them, because it is my own self created manifestation.

I commit myself to not bottle up these emotions of anger or resentment any further when I experience them, and to alway breath and state self forgiveness and self corrective statements, and to stabilize myself before continuing my relationship with my partner.

When and as I see myself becoming fearful of my own thoughts, emotions, reactions, etc., I stop and breath, and I do not continue with fear or continue with feeding and allowing these emotions of anger and resentment to run wild. Within this I see and realize that I can always bring myself to stability regardless of how unstable I might find myself. Therefor I commit myself to always breath, write, and do physical activity to bring myself to stability, and to always utilize instability.

When and as I see myself holding onto tension with my partner, I stop and breath, and I let go of everything I've ever tried holding onto that is unhealthy, controlling, unnecessary, egotistical.

I see and realize that I must initially give myself space from my partner when things get too out of hand, and to stabilize my emotions alone before ever trying to communicate with my partner. Thus within this, I commit myself to continue writing myself out on these emotions in relationship to my partner, until I am stable and can be around her again without any movement in the mind.

Day 123 - utilizing anger and resentment in a relationship

So recently I have been going through emotional instability in regards to my relationship with my partner. I seem to have suddenly "out of no where" get this rush and tint of anger and resentment, and even jealousy towards my partner, to where it's caused inappropriate behavior such as throwing my phone against the wall when reading her texts, and arguing and projecting my emotions and feelings towards her when she did nothing wrong, which shouldn't ever be the case regardless.

The emotions I've experienced within this situation of anger, resentment, jealousy, etc., has been fear, becoming scared of my own intent, and whether I'll ever be able to calm myself down and not look at our relationship as superior vs inferior, and whether our not I'll ever be able to experience myself as equal to her as she is to me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become angry and resentful towards my partner, out of the intent of wanting to be superior to her, and out of wanting to control her and limit her self expression within our relationship as well as my self expression.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel this anger and resentment, out of blaming her in my mind as her being this bad person. Within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame her for her having issues, and making the excuse to blame her for this as if she is nitpicking at me or is trying to hurt me or attack me with her own personal problems/issues.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make assumptions/get angry at my partner, when she tells me something that I find inconvenient, as if she is nitpicking at me, or intending on blaming me, not seeing and realizing that I am blaming her for my own instability.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not look at myself first and analyze and utilize my own emotions before ever choosing to react at her with anger or resentment, whether I'm verbally attacking her or whether I'm holding and bottling up within myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become fearful of my own emotions, not seeing and realizing that I can utilize and write these emotions of anger and resentment out, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow these emotions to manifest within myself, not seeing and realizing that it is necessary to write these emotions out and utilize my self, and stabilize myself in relationship to my partner.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to let go of all the emotional tension I have. Towards my partner, to where I want to see her everyday, to where I simply want to control her in my little bubble of emotions, not seeing and realizing how abusive this is and how unstable it is.

Self corrective statements will continue in the next blog....