Day 69 - not knowing what to write- the consequence of inconsistency

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to in consequence becme lost within points where I have to think extensively on what points I need to take care of, due to inconsistent focusing and manipulation for self interest purposes.

 I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus create this point of forgetting due to falling into lazyness, emotional releases, and ways I manipulate myself to not walk through points .

 I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create this apethetic mood due to the awareness of having to actually write in rea physical time, and not back up with some point of self interest which I had utilized to an extent.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to find it difficult to push through real time due to having to lose the selfINTEREST attachments currently in order to walk further through current points.

 I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go over my break time limit n order to have this self interest fulfillment and an excuse that it is a break time, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of the oppurtunity to slow down and breath and enjoy àn activity.

 I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create relationships with others, and have made the excuse to continue lacking effectiveness deliberately, because ive accepted and allowed myself to create limitation and self abuse as something t be comfortable with, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I'm in emotional drive, and in lazyness, I am going to have deliberate misdirection with what's valid to do, and when I'm effective, then I can actually work with what is here much more quicker and effectively and clearly, instead ofthe vagueness which mind imagery maniulationg creates, as a way to keep myself fucked in my mind, to fuck with my physical potential, and consideration.

 I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not take the chance to give myself a physical practical direction for my points. Within this, I thus commit myself to focus on a point which can circulate around my writings throughout the day, which to make this even more effective, find the coolest point to focus n in my physical participation journal, to therefor have the most concious activity at the omens when writing about my physical participations, and en bringing that similar activity up at the end of the day and to thus have a better conclusion on the more fundamental reasoning for my physica participation limitations within those moments. I commit myself to thus walk through this to better practice walking step by step, and self creating the understanding of pushing through, but staying patient with point by point, where I don't just self sabotage for missing points that I over thought and then just lose the energy in my mind.

 I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I'm going to ware myself out physically in relationship to self process, to however it operates, but generally because my mind will relate to my physical as manipulation to go through the excessive patterns where I manipulate my physical participation as smething uneeded, and where I will want to take longer resting periods, and also will become less effective with pushing through details within writting.

 I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate pushing throu details, as this ultimate point of facing a deeper punishment for what I've accepted as myself, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed mysef to self sabotage myself to requiring more extensive work in certain moments, due to having manipulated real time work with having to impress peers with working hard, and then when I feel too exploited and too rushed and worn out, have this amount of time where I will self sabotage myself for working to hard, since I deliberately created the point of over working to where people can feel sorry for me, and tell me in working 'way toohrd' and so I then use that in relation to the transcending option when I realize this, and then just go easily with maki the excuse that because I've worked s extensively, that I can just take is massive period of lacking ability and not aspiring within myself as life to progress wi ability.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to however create self interest within progressing within ability to control others and try to beat others within process, as the reaction to trying to be effective as considering life, simply because I fear ill be punished for my points, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to catagorize the relationships with my points and the consequences these points potentially and will have, in order to not physically walk throu them to practically eradicate each point, due to the very fear of losing this fundamental fear of punishment and its dimensions with what I've related to consumerism, my appearance, money, and survival in general.

I commit myself to redefine my relationship t what I've accepted and allowed as abusive and n considerate of life, as something that is practically unnecaptable, and thus building the understanding through walking through points, to eradicate the polarity of feari punishment, where I thus no longer compromise my ability to walk through the points wi the excuses I've always protected frm feari punishment and manipulating my clarity with how to change myself through just relating punishment towards past, and future.

I commit myself to thus redefine my relationship with time, to where I can use time to practically move with what's here, and not manipulate it through relating fantasies and fears of failure with time to thus only distract the value of considering what's best for all life, and thus become effective with timing and a more natural progression within my process as life, and not as a worried consumer of losing relationships with money and control I've placed towards the relationships.

I commit myself to thus walk through this process, and thus gradually understand that the feelings that come up in reaction to this process, are all manipulative and deceptive and limiting, and thus I commit myself to not make e excuse that because I'm still preprogrammed with feelings, that that must mean that its too difficult, because that statement in itself is implying that Im merely limiting myself with a feeling to think I either have to rush or just give up, and thus I commit myself to thus cross reference when in this moment of fear, thunder stand, that it takes step by step, because its practical evolution, it is space time. It takes the basics -the bread, then you go in more depth - the cheese and meat, then you expand to what really places it together - the lettuce and tomatoes, and the you see what causes it t resonate - the dressing.

When I find myself in this position of placing lazyness and this apathetic writ on my shoulders as if its just difficult to push through points to consider become more effective practically, I will breath, I will understand that I am simply working with what's here, which takes one step, two step, and then the next, and thus create clarity of pushing through points, and thus pushing rough process.

I commit myself to thus walk through this understanding to build relationship with my process in itself as being consistently in wider frames of space time, and thus where I build a fundamental understanding and thus consideration of what's here as space time, as myself in it, then the animals plants and humans, then the earth, then the universe. Thus I commit myself to eradicate expectation of understanding this quickens, and walk through point by point, to understand that this process will require step by step participation to all levels, and to every extent of space time. Which thus, when I find myself considering expectation of past and future over space time, and what's here, I breath, relate the step by step points, and then come back here, to the moment by moment reality, the physical.